thread for those interested in refugee hosting/sponsorship

[EezyOozy]

I thought I would start a new thread about this as I have just heard on BBC news that they are opening up a web form tomorrow to express interest. Apparently families/households can claim £350 a month (I assume for increased expenses) and refugees will be eligible to claim or benefits and work. We have large a spare room but live rurally so whilst I will express interest I'm not sure we will be taken up on it.

I thought I would start a new thread for those who are interested and to follow the progress of the registration procedure/how this pans out in practice.

Posted here because it's the only place I know gets plenty traffic, I will probably be asking for this to be moved but don't know where to.

@ShinyHat22 want to share? One of the biggest things I am struggling with is that it now seems to be my identify. Everyone congratulating me and asking me questions about it whilst we are out and about (for example the children's centre were expecting them) and I feel like I've lost me and my own life. I'm sure I will get it back.

@ShinyHat22 I am not struggling but amongst my friends who are also hosting, I appear to be the only one. I think we really lucked out with an incredibly respectful and decent person who seems to be really mindful of giving us our space.
On one hand I worry that she may not feel comfortable enough and wonder have we done something to contribute to this. On the other hand I am grateful that I am not experiencing what some of my friends are where they are feeling like guests in their own home and are basically waiting on the houseguests and doing pretty much everything. It’s definitely not easy but manageable if there is mutual respect

@Shelovespawpatrol This passes quickly but I found people who maybe felt it’s something they should have done now avoid me 😆

God, I would love to share, as every other local host I know seems to be having some amazing life enriching experience and that is so far from where I am at. We have had a 20 yr old female with us for 3 weeks. It has been tough from Day 1. She shows absolutely no interest in anything and nearly all of her time is spent in her room. She has dropped out of the language classes and the meet and greet sessions. As of last week she has stopped eating with us. She will meet another Ukrainian girl once a week for a walk, or a coffee.

She has a long term London based Ukrainian boyfriend who she goes to stay with at the weekends, and this relationship is the key thing in her life. He is apparently looking for an apartment for them, but it is all very vague and non - committal. We had a half reasonable chat yesterday, and I offered to help her find a job. I have had 6 offers of interest from employers within 24 hours, but she has now decided that it’s not worth pursuing as she might be moving in with her partner in 2-3 weeks. This is despite the fact that they have not yet found anywhere, and she has no regular income, which is surely going to be unattractive to a landlord. She is now even debating whether or not she should apply for UC, as it will involve actively looking for work.

Like PawPatrol, I feel like a stranger in my own home. This was not the package that was sold to me over the several weeks spent talking over social media. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I am frequently offering the chance to do things, from getting nails done to something as simple as going to the supermarket. She always declines. This opportunity to vent has been much appreciated. Thank you.

That sounds really challenging.
I think we are very lucky to have guests who have lived abroad before- the mum hasn’t been to England before but has lived in 3 different countries and I feel like she is quite good at knowing what questions to ask about how things work.
Hopefully things will settle down as you get to know each other x

@ShinyHat22 This sounds identical to my friends experience (minus the boyfriend) It’s very difficult

I am so demoralised by it all. My husband is more relaxed, but then he is out of the house working all day and has never actually spent any time with her, with the exception of meals. I am still WFH so it is a constant thing for me. It’s not even like there is an actual problem that I can take to the Council or anybody else to get support.

My DD said to me today "this isn't my house, this is my friend's house"- meaning the guests. I had to reprimand the girl (nearly 6) a few times for poking DD (3) and generally trying to wind her up as much as she could. I feel so bad for my DD as it has only been a day. I didn't realise it would be such chaos. The local school said I wouldn't find out until half term at the earliest, if they have a place and even then it could be a no.
I definitely don't regret doing this, as it is for a good cause. I just wish it could feel a bit more lovely of a time, as it sounds other people having been having.

Your last 2 sentences sum it up.

@ShinyHat22 sorry you are having such a rough time of it. It must be quite depressing because as optimistic people we want to see them moving forward and thriving. At the best of it, could you see it that, although she is withdrawn and essentially just hiding in her room, at least you have kept her safe. Maybe she will feel better soon when it feels more certain for her with the boyfriend? Who does he live with? She can't be there full time?

As far as I know he is in a house share with mates, but getting any info on this is difficult. To be quite honest, the sooner she moves in with him the better it will be for all concerned, as she clearly isn’t going to put down any sort of foundations here and I feel that we are very much a stop gap.

Shelovespawpatrol your story of your carefully scheduled plans being sunk by your guests drifting off on their own timetable, is making me twitch.

I've had this done to me by friends I've known for years and love dearly – especially those visiting from overseas. You know how tourists act like they only have the one brain cell between them? That.

I've come to the conclusion that people in a new place are frequently spaced out by the sheer amount of NEW they're processing.

And that will be on top of the normal issue that everyone has their own To Do list and doesn't see a pressing need to work to anyone else's.

Enraging, but I've never found a way round it.

It’s early days yet, Shelovespawpatrol. There will be a school place for her somewhere even if it’s not the nearest.

Shinyhat - your guest is very young. I am not sure how well I could have coped with that situation at 20. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but don’t beat yourself up if she doesn’t seem to be thriving.
I would approach it in a similar way to the difficult bits of parenting by drastically lowering your expectations of yourself: your job is to get her to the end of each day still alive and safe, and if she is those things you are doing a great job.
There are so many much worse situations she could be in, not just in Ukraine but if she had fallen in with a dodgy sponsor here or elsewhere in Europe.

‘I've come to the conclusion that people in a new place are frequently spaced out by the sheer amount of NEW they're processing.‘

Very wise words.
I have spent periods living abroad twice when I was younger (once in Germany, once in Italy) and on both occasions I was unbelievably tired which I think was mainly my brain dealing with the foreign language and cultural differences. Imagine dealing with that when it isn’t a positive choice, your country is in turmoil and you don’t know what the future holds or when you will be able to go home.

Thanks Countess - I don’t actually have kids so I am completely out of my depth here!

Oh sorry! It was an unjustifiable assumption!

I wonder if the experience of parenting does actually make this kind of thing easier by giving one a series of templates to fall back on?

I’m sorry to hear about the challenging time some of you are having. This also seems to be the case with some other local families here. I think the trouble is that sharing your home with others is always fraught with potential problems, even when you know them well, let alone when they are strangers. I know I couldn’t live with Dh if I didn’t love him - he’d drive me mad!

We used to have lodgers, before the dc arrived, and it was a rare lodger indeed who just slotted into our way of life without there being issues to some degree or other. It takes assertive communication, flexibility and consideration on all sides to make things work smoothly. And sometimes there will just be personality clashes, no matter how hard you try.

Things are pretty harmonious here, but at the end of the day it’s just dumb luck. Our guests are lovely and we ‘get’ each other. We have a similar approach to living, even though our life experiences and opportunities have been wildly different.

I had been worrying about the teenager hiding in her room all the time, only wanting to talk to her boyfriend, but the school offer and subsequent long chat I had with her seem to have been a real turning point. Now she is following me round asking questions, practising her English on me constantly, and generally being very present! I think she maybe needed these three weeks to settle and come to terms with being here. She even collected ds from primary school this afternoon so that I could go and watch dd in a sports fixture.

Like Countess, I’m feeling a bit exhausted now. I’m working tomorrow (I only work one day a week) and I’m looking forward to thinking about something else!

Thanks everyone, I will keep you posted.

I think if it's going to work long(ish) term you need to move towards your guests being lodgers and you a friendly landlady, rather than their entire support service. You need to point them towards other services that can help and then clearly communicate your house rules, then largely leave them to it.
I don't envy those where both you and the guests have young children though - definitely need some rules about not feeding the other kids junk.

I can see a lot of people being given notice at the 4 month period. I also wonder how likely it is that after hosting, guest and homeowner are able to move the arrangement to a more formal one, potentially with money involved.

Totally agree, Fireyflies.
We have had lodgers before and ultimately that’s how I view it even though there are some differences (all the initial help, the fact we are sharing some meals and doing some trips or days out together).

We have been lucky though that our guests instinctively understand some of the boundaries, eg they have been scrupulous about asking permission to give my kids sweets.

I am sure there will be many cases where the guest becomes a formal lodger, particularly in areas where there are plentiful jobs but cheap accommodation is hard to find.

I agree this will happen . There should be more support for hosts and there is none.
We have a girl staying who is lovely. We have had the problem that she doesn’t want us to do anything for her . For example the food - she doesn’t want to share our food . So like poster she has taken over half our fridge literally. We suggested sharing basic food stuff and offered to provide meals but this was rejected.
She doesn’t like the weather here and the rain and in Ukraine they are used to hot houses. We have had the heating in when her room goes under 22 degrees.
Luckily we have an insulated house and separate upstairs heating system, so have accommodated this. We bought a higher tog duvet and extra blankets too.
The main problem we have had is that she walks home from work very late at night and refused to communicate finish times. Each night is different so we can’t just turn up. Luckily two weeks of this she has been persuaded to take lifts after colleagues explained the danger .
She hates the job (minimum wage pub job as she is a professional at home in Ukraine). I understand that and it must be hard . To be honest I don’t think she will stay long as she is planning to go to family in Poland when her biometric arrives.

@Dotdotdot21 it’s stressful, isn’t it?

A genuine question. What did you all expect from the situation - to host a complete stranger with a different set of cultural expectations and values. I cannot understand why so many people decided to jump into this with zero experience of even house sharing or having a lodger before.

It seems that half of you are disappointed that the guests don't cook or eat together, another half that the guests do cook and take space in the fridge for their ingredients. Independence is bad, non-independence is bad.

It is quite upsetting. Ukrainian chats are overflowing with people very unhappy about where they are staying, looking to cooperate and move to HMOs / rent together. Including stories of hosts timing guests' showers or not allowing to heat the room, or rationing the use of the kettle for tea.

Reminds me of those stickers - "A dog is for life, not only for Christmas". The excitement on this thread before was very much in the spirit - "ooooh we are getting a rescue puppy!". And now it seems it started chewing on the furniture.

And yes, you can buy lasagna sheets in Ukraine in your nearest supermarket, same as here. There is the whole range from value / own brand ones to posh Italian artisanal, same as here in the UK.