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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you feel about your partner putting on weight ?

89 replies

smoocakes6 · 12/03/2022 21:57

Being vague so as to get honest answers . Does it bother you if they get a but chubby ? Do you find them less attractive?

OP posts:
MrsGHarrison87 · 13/03/2022 09:45

Doesn't bother me. My husband is attractive to me both skinny and chubby. He's gorgeous, sexy and cuddly.

Bananabutter · 13/03/2022 09:47

Of course. Very few people find being overweight attractive.

TheDuchessOfMN · 13/03/2022 09:48

I would find DH less physically attractive, yes.

And also, another reason I find him attractive (physically, emotionally and as my friend) is because he’s physically fit, and we do activities like cycling, hillwalking etc together.
I’d be sad if he became overweight and unfit/lazy and stopped all that.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/03/2022 09:49

Both dh and I have put on about 2/3 stone in the 15 years we’ve been together. It doesn’t bother either of us. We’ve got bigger fish to fry - lots of health issues (non weight related), Ds with severe disabilities, been through losing close relatives to cancer etc etc. It has made us realise that weight really doesn’t matter unless it’s literally impacting on your health (and ours isn’t; we were both skinny to start with and it isn’t creeping up and up).

Octomore · 13/03/2022 09:52

I don't find overweight men attractive. I am also attracted to men with active lifestyles/hobbies (like my own), so putting on a significant amount of weight would probably indicate that we were no longer compatible. And then there are the health issues.

So yes, I would have a problem with a partner putting on a significant amount of weight.

If it was just a few pounds though? I wouldn't care about that in the slightest.

SecondhandTable · 13/03/2022 10:07

My DH is much bigger now than when we met a decade ago. It doesn't bother from an aesthetic point of view as in I still find him attractive. However it worries me in a 'health implications' way as his BMI is now in the obese range. We have two young kids, I want him to be healthy to have the best chance at a long healthy life. His DGF died of bowel cancer and his DF also died of bowel cancer and the latter was only in his 50s. With this family history and his weight, it does worry me. I also know he hates the way he now looks and worries about it too but he now seems to have just given up on weight loss efforts that he previously would start and not stick with and seems to be resigned to his (ever increasing tbh) weight even though it upsets him. He is a HCP somewhat ironically too but mostly desk based. I am trying to support/encourage him but I don't want to go on about it too much as I don't want him to think I'm having a go at him, or that I don't find him attractive. I also appreciate its sensitive issue for most people and I've never been overweight before and seem to luckily have a fast metabolism so I've always eaten a lot of calorific crap without issue so I can't relate. If anyone has any advice for me I'd be glad to hear it, I love him and just want him to be the healthiest he can be. The only thing that is a personal interest for me is the fact that he started snoring more and more since he got bigger too which massively disturbs me at night and the ENT consultant suggested losing weight might improve that.

OneTC · 13/03/2022 10:40

OH has put on quite a bit of weight in the last 2-3 years. Comfort eating and inactivity. It isn't what I'd choose in a partner but there's alot beyond the physical attributes that attract me

R00K · 13/03/2022 11:00

My wife has put on a considerable amount of weight since we met. I no longer find her attractive.

SilverGlassHare · 13/03/2022 11:03

If DH had a BMI of 50, I think I would find him less attractive. A bit of chub/middle aged spread - not a problem.

Concestor · 13/03/2022 11:12

My DH has developed a belly that he is doing nothing about and I have to say that I do struggle to find him sexually attractive. It's also because he often doesn't shave, and his posture is terrible so he looks like a hunched old man and it's really off-putting.

Whereas I go to the gym, have good posture, look after myself etc.

It might be shallow but it's true.

NeverChange · 13/03/2022 11:12

It depends how much and why tbh.

Up to 2 stone, I think would be ok but anymore than that possibly not. I think it's not just aesthetics but also the health risks and also the attitude that may go with it, I give less of a shore, have let myself go, self esteem, laziness etc.

For medical reasons etc. due to prescribed steroids etc would be different as they have no control over that.

A previous partner lost a lot of weight after he took up cycling & running and tbh I didn't find him as attractive as he got very skinny.

Fir me, I don't think it's about actual size. I think it's more about what I am attracted to day 1. Significant weight loss or weight gain tends to change the person not just physically but their personality too. Skinny ex got obsessed with early mornings, vegetarianism, no alcohol etc....it dominated everything and he just became zero fun.

Branster · 13/03/2022 11:14

A little bit wouldn't affect at all how attractive I find my DH to be.
What would bother me would be lack of self care or not trying to keep fit - that would be a complete turn off regardless of size.

lugeforlife · 13/03/2022 11:20

@Branster that's the same for me too. Dh is very tall with quite toned arms and runners legs naturally so weight goes on his tummy. He's been up to 15 and a half stone and down to 12 (he's 6 4 so even the highest weight isn't very overweight). I haven't cared.

I did care when he grew a beard and didn't get his hair cut. He looked so unkempt.

I have gone up and down quite a bit. He likes me on the chunky side as he's a boobs and arse guy but genuinely makes me feel beautiful at every weight I've been.

He doesn't like me with short hair though. I tend to keep it bob/shoulder length because of this.

He cut his hair for me, I keep mine for him!

RoyKentsChestHair · 13/03/2022 12:01

@NeverChange

It depends how much and why tbh.

Up to 2 stone, I think would be ok but anymore than that possibly not. I think it's not just aesthetics but also the health risks and also the attitude that may go with it, I give less of a shore, have let myself go, self esteem, laziness etc.

For medical reasons etc. due to prescribed steroids etc would be different as they have no control over that.

A previous partner lost a lot of weight after he took up cycling & running and tbh I didn't find him as attractive as he got very skinny.

Fir me, I don't think it's about actual size. I think it's more about what I am attracted to day 1. Significant weight loss or weight gain tends to change the person not just physically but their personality too. Skinny ex got obsessed with early mornings, vegetarianism, no alcohol etc....it dominated everything and he just became zero fun.

Yea this. My XP’s weight fluctuated a lot. The most annoying thing was dinner time/eating out etc We went to New York when he was having a healthy eating phase, so didn’t get to try lots of the foods that people associate with NY - pizza, hot dogs from a street vendor, real NY cheesecake etc. For me the main part of a holiday is the food and I felt like we missed out on a lot of stuff that we would have enjoyed if we’d gone any other time! Also meal times - I would cook him low carb xyz, order only kebabs from the takeaway as he wouldn’t eat rice, chips, bread etc so all other options were out. Then he’d go home and order Chinese with his DCs. So annoying. And the cycling/tennis/gym obsession, he’d set multiple alarms intending to go to the gym early, and snooze them all, so I’d lie there awake all morning while he dozed on and off. Then he’d spend the whole weekend out cycling (7 hours one Saturday) and turn up at my house knackered and sweaty and wanting looking after as he was too tired to be any fun.

I much preferred when we could eat out together, hang out watching tv, go for walks etc and just live a normal life. We watched several series of Masterchef Aus and then once he started dieting we had to stop that too as he didn’t want to watch food progs any more. It changed everything!

gannett · 13/03/2022 12:15

I always find it funny that a woman who complains on MN that her partner has put on weight gets a flood of "you can't help what you're attracted to" and "no coming back from the ick" posts, but a woman who complains her partner isn't attracted to her because she's put on weight gets a flood of "if he loved you he'd make you feel beautiful", "he's a disgusting shallow arsehole", LTB posts. Without fail.

It's not something I've experienced on either side myself yet but I've always thought the point of making a lifelong commitment to someone else was accepting that their bodies will change as they get older, but your love for them should override that. We're all going to get greyer, wrinklier and maybe fatter. We can put all the effort we want into keeping fit or looking nice but life tends to throw shit at you that undoes it all - whether illness, injury, mental health struggles, being busy, whatever.

So no, I'm not attracted to overweight people to start with. But if after 10 or 20 years my slim and toned DP got a belly (or if slim and toned me did), I'd think it awfully shallow if either of us suddenly saw that as a deal-breaker.

Superbabe64 · 13/03/2022 12:18

Yes it did bother me and yes I did find him less attractive . DH had put on a bit of weight during his 40s and it did bother him too. He's nearly 60 now and looking bloody fab again and I still fancy the socks off him. And it works both ways...he likes that fact that I am still slim, fit and confident. We both have to work at it as we both like our food and wine.
Would I love him less...probably not...would I find him less attractive...yes.

Slipperfairy · 13/03/2022 12:24

I think women get a different response because:

  1. Women's bodies change during pregnancy, which obviously, men don't have to go through.
  2. Men (on here) tend to be able to find time to exercise but women don't.
  3. There may be quite a lot of overweight women on here.

If I put enough weight on to go up a dress size, I would not find myself attractive, so wouldn't expect dh to either. I do worry about menopause, but my mum didn't put any weight on then, so hoping I can do that.

Bunty55 · 13/03/2022 12:27

@R00K

My wife has put on a considerable amount of weight since we met. I no longer find her attractive.
Well done you for being brave enough to say this. There are far too many obese people nowadays - almost making obesity as the norm. Well it is not. It is unattractive and unhealthy and unpleasant to look at
Zazdar · 13/03/2022 12:28

He's been up to 15 and a half stone and down to 12 (he's 6 4 )

My husband is the same height and that isn’t far off his normal non-fat weight. He has been two stone heavier, over 17, and I prefer him not to be.

Sausagedognamedmash · 13/03/2022 12:33

DH has always been bigger, strong muscular legs and arms but definitely a belly too. He goes from being midsized with a belly to large with a belly, but the belly never changes. I definitely find him more attractive at a lower weight but I don't ever find him not attractive. He is overall pretty healthy, he does a lot of exercise, walks everywhere, does long cycle rides and goes boxing at least once a week. It's his body type and as I have gone from an underweight 8 to a overweight 14 over the last 10 years and 2 kids, I really can't complain.

HeatherShiver · 13/03/2022 12:51

My DP is broad shouldered and probably 4 stone overweight. I actually love his body, especially his belly. He's a handsome man and he looks good.
Ex had a 6 pack and I loved that when I was with him. I'm possibly a bit odd tho ha.

FTEngineerM · 13/03/2022 12:54

It’s complex.

Someone gaining weight, means their eating excessive calories. Mostly it’s caused by them not coping with something and turning to food. If I’d just met a guy and he ballooned immediately then no I would have the time or love invested in him to try and help him through it. If we were married/long term relationship then I’d be most invested in helping their mental health. So I’d not be bothered about the weight, more the cause.

FTEngineerM · 13/03/2022 12:54

then no I wouldn’t have the time or love invested in

Hope90x · 13/03/2022 12:55

My DH has got what I think we call an "athletic build", he's tall and very muscular and has a 6-pack approx 7months of the year. He puts a stone on here and there for some sort of "bulking" purpose that I do not fully understand and this never changes how attractive I find him.
Because of his build I feel he could gain about 2stone without it negatively affecting his appearance. I could deal with chunky, but not obese.

Surprisingly he prefers me to be "curvy" as he likes larger chest/hips/bum. I'm 5ft7 and a size 12-14.
12 is ideal for him. Size 10 and he thinks I'm "too skinny" lol. I'm closer to size14 atm and very determined to lose the extra stone

MrsVeryTired · 13/03/2022 13:00

Not if it was only a bit chubby, 1 or 2 stone extra, DP has in the past, as have I, both fine with it.
Lots of weight, not so much.