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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do?

68 replies

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 16:52

I bought my mum a weekend for two in a hotel with a murder mystery theme night, for Christmas. I told her it would be great if she took a friend and had a nice time, but if she couldn't find a friend who could go, then I would be very happy to go with her. She found a friend and I helped her book it for next June. Everyone was happy. Then a month ago my sister phoned to say that my mum's friend could no longer go and that she was going instead. I was a little upset and so I asked my mum about it and she confirmed that my sister was going. I reminded her that I said I would be happy to go if her friend couldn't and she got angry and told me that I'd said it was her choice. So her words confirmed to me that she chose to go with my sister instead of me. The way I see it is that she has chosen between her two daughters rather than just going with 'the person who bought the tickets'. I was a bit upset on the phone and now both my mum and my sister haven't spoken to me for more than a month.(Incidently, I bought my sister two days in a spa hotel in the Swiss Alps for Christmas so it's not like she was missing out.) Do you think I am wrong to be upset by this? Should I apologise?

OP posts:

poetryandwine · 12/03/2022 16:54

I think anyone in your shoes would feel hurt. How does this fit into the bigger picture of the relationships amongst the three of you?

Unsureaboutit9 · 12/03/2022 16:56

They are taking it too far by not talking to you for over a month (Altho obviously they may not be, as I don’t no what you said to them). But YABU, it was a gift for her to choose with, not a trip bought together. You can’t give gifts with expectation like that and then complain about your mums choice.

fortunenookie · 12/03/2022 16:57

I can see why you’d be hurt
What’s the bigger picture with the relationships between the three of you?

pictish · 12/03/2022 16:57

On the face of it Yabu. It’s a gift and shouldn’t come with conditions attached. It’s up to your mum who she goes with.

Chely · 12/03/2022 16:58

It is a gift and her choice so if you want to have a relationship with them you'll have to suck it up an oppologise. You don't have to mean it though, I think they are dicks tbh.

CrustyCrackers · 12/03/2022 16:59

I'd be hurt too. Don't apologise, I think it's pretty poor of your mum though, yes, it's her present but come on, its not nice

NotABear · 12/03/2022 17:00

It wouldn't bother me.
Your mum has chosen who she wants to go away with and it's her gift
I can understand why you'd be upset but if your mum enjoys it, I don't see the issue. The whole point was so your mum could enjoy it

DrManhattan · 12/03/2022 17:03

Your mum has been pretty thoughtless imo. The polite thing to do would have been to ask you. Thing is, there isn't a single thing you can do about it.

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 17:06

@poetryandwine

We are normally a very close family, my sister is my best friend. But in the last couple of years there have been a few incidents that have been a little upsetting but I have just eaten humble pie. This time I feel really hurt.

OP posts:

Gowithme · 12/03/2022 17:08

YABU to insist she should have taken you if her friend couldn't go, it should be her choice who she takes - but I can understand why you're upset that she decided to take your sister rather than you.

The fact that none of you have spoken to each other over it for over a month - because I'm assuming you haven't tried to speak to them either - suggests there's either a history here or you're all really bad at communicating properly and dealing with things.

girlmom21 · 12/03/2022 17:09

If you're regularly buying nights away as gifts are you much better off than your sister?

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 17:11

@NotABear
I agree the whole point of the gift is so she enjoys it, but now I feel she is telling me indirectly that she will enjoy herself more with my sister than me. I thought she loved us both the same.

OP posts:

anotherheadache · 12/03/2022 17:13

YANBU to feel hurt. That's a really strange thoughtless thing for your mum to do. Unless there's more to it (is your sister going through a tough time? Does your sister love murder mystery? Reason at given by either of them?)
If not then I think anyone would be hurt. I'd step back OP and not make so much effort going forward.

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 17:14

@Gowithme

I phone my mum a few days after I had calmed down and tried to tell her why I was upset but she was just angry and she is very stubborn. We are normally very close.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 12/03/2022 17:19

" I feel she is telling me indirectly that she will enjoy herself more with my sister than me. I thought she loved us both the same."

I love my DD's equally, but I'd have an order of preference depending on what we were doing. You can love your relatives but be different people. It was supposed to be a gift for her.

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 17:19

@girlmom21

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 12/03/2022 17:22

[quote tjarvis1679]@girlmom21

I am better off than my sister. But my mum is always telling me off for spending money on her because she thinks my sister needs to learn to manage her money. I asked my mum why she didn't ask me and she just said "well that's the way it happened so deal with it'.[/quote]
I'd say your sister was probably either just there when her friend cancelled and offered to go or your mom thinks you can go away whenever you like but that it'd be a special treat for your sister

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 17:24

@Ponoka7

I have three sons and if one of them bought me tickets then I would chose the one who bought the tickets. The others would then know that I have chosen that one because he bought the tickets. Then if he said he didn't want to go, I'd ask the other two at the same time and let them decide.

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/03/2022 17:26

I’d be equally hurt.

And stop buying them lovely trips too but that’s just me🤣

Flatwhitetostayin · 12/03/2022 17:32

I can definitely see why you would be upset. I find your mum and sister's behaviour (or at least as you have described it) as very unempathetic. When my daughter calls me out (whether i am right or wrong) i would never just say 'deal with it' or not speak to her. Full disclosure - she is only 10 though!

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2022 17:43

[quote tjarvis1679]@poetryandwine

NotABear · 12/03/2022 18:13

[quote tjarvis1679]@NotABear
I agree the whole point of the gift is so she enjoys it, but now I feel she is telling me indirectly that she will enjoy herself more with my sister than me. I thought she loved us both the same.[/quote]
On that basis, if your mum took you and not your sister, would you expect your sister to feel like your mum loved you more than her?

CantStandMeCow · 12/03/2022 18:18

On that basis, if your mum took you and not your sister, would you expect your sister to feel like your mum loved you more than her?

No because she bought the tickets. And she’d expect her mum to default to her other sister had she brought them. It makes total sense and I’d be a bit sad too, OP.

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 18:37

@Flatwhitetostayin

I would never stop speaking to my sons. Never ever.

OP posts:

Original poster

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 18:39

@NotABear

No, Because she would not be choosing the person who bought the tickets.

OP posts:

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