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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do?

68 replies

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 16:52

I bought my mum a weekend for two in a hotel with a murder mystery theme night, for Christmas. I told her it would be great if she took a friend and had a nice time, but if she couldn't find a friend who could go, then I would be very happy to go with her. She found a friend and I helped her book it for next June. Everyone was happy. Then a month ago my sister phoned to say that my mum's friend could no longer go and that she was going instead. I was a little upset and so I asked my mum about it and she confirmed that my sister was going. I reminded her that I said I would be happy to go if her friend couldn't and she got angry and told me that I'd said it was her choice. So her words confirmed to me that she chose to go with my sister instead of me. The way I see it is that she has chosen between her two daughters rather than just going with 'the person who bought the tickets'. I was a bit upset on the phone and now both my mum and my sister haven't spoken to me for more than a month.(Incidently, I bought my sister two days in a spa hotel in the Swiss Alps for Christmas so it's not like she was missing out.) Do you think I am wrong to be upset by this? Should I apologise?

OP posts:

MurmuratingStarling · 12/03/2022 18:48

On the face of it, anyone you buy a gift for (like this,) is entitled to take whoever they want. Howeverrrrr, I think your mum should probably have asked you tbf. OR if she had asked your sister, and you were miffed/sad about it, she could have said she is really sorry, and maybe you two can do something together another time. The way she and your sister are behaving is proper nasty and petty and childish.

I'm so sorry. I have no answers. I do feel for you Hopefully someone will be along soon with some good advice. You do have my sympathy and my hugs though.

NotABear · 12/03/2022 18:49

@CantStandMeCow

On that basis, if your mum took you and not your sister, would you expect your sister to feel like your mum loved you more than her?

No because she bought the tickets. And she’d expect her mum to default to her other sister had she brought them. It makes total sense and I’d be a bit sad too, OP.

That makes no sense to me. I wouldn't be jealous/upset my mum was taking my sister.

The person who you bought the tickets for has chosen who she wants to go with. It's not a personal attack on you that she hasn't chosen to take you.
Your mum hasn't chosen your sister over you on the grand scheme of things. She's decided who to go with her. And that's her prerogative as it is her gift.
I'm sorry you feel upset

DedalusBloom · 12/03/2022 18:56

There is a disconnect between being a "very close family" and your mum saying "just deal with it" in my opinion
I think the other incidents will prove to be telling.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/03/2022 19:00

So this Xmas it's 2 tins of Roses and they get 1 each..

roses2 · 12/03/2022 19:02

Seems more to the backstory here. Have you got an easier life than your sister? Are you considerably better off than her?

Iwantamarshmallowman · 12/03/2022 19:15

@Chely

It is a gift and her choice so if you want to have a relationship with them you'll have to suck it up an oppologise. You don't have to mean it though, I think they are dicks tbh.

This. It's up to her who she takes but considering you brought the ticket I think it was very rude not to invite you, it would feel like a snub to me. Its horrible to stop speaking to you and still go on the trip you paid for. I'd stop buying them such expensive gifts in the future. Just out of curiosity OP what did they buy you?

Stressedout1009 · 12/03/2022 19:20

@DedalusBloom

There is a disconnect between being a "very close family" and your mum saying "just deal with it" in my opinion I think the other incidents will prove to be telling.

I was going to say this. Your statements are contradicting each other. How can your dsis be your best friend but the last few years there were issues

Chikapu · 12/03/2022 19:25

You should have bought tickets and invited your mum to go if you're that determined it should be the two of you. You bought a gift of two tickets so she gets to decide who goes with her. Gifts with expectations/obligations attached are a bag of shite.

NotABear · 12/03/2022 19:31

@Chikapu

Yup

ListeningButNotHearing · 12/03/2022 19:39

Sounds like your DM is emotionally unintelligent.
To have not spoke to you for a month is just adding insult to injury.

BobHadBitchTits · 12/03/2022 19:51

Cancel.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 07:24

@DedalusBloom

Well I don't see how it is relevant to my question, but since you ask ... a couple of years ago my mum asked me to be power of attorney. She said it was a difficult question and she didn't want to be asking it, but felt that it was a sensible thing to do. She said she was asking me because I am the oldest. I said yes of course and whatever you need me to do (meeting with solicitor, signing papers etc) just let me know. She didn't mention it again, so after a month or so with my summer holidays coming up (more time on my hands) I asked her if she had contacted a solicitor. She said that she had, and it wasn't necessary any more as she had spoken to my sister and she was going to do it instead. My sister hadn't mentioned this to me. I was a bit miffed, because my sister is not brilliant at managing her money, but am definitely not going to be one of those people who argue with family over inheritance matters, so I just said "ok cool". She was also going to put my sister as executor too, but my brother suggested that she put all three of us, so she did. That's all, we are all close, we see each other as regularly as possible and do family holidays together every year. We talk every other day on the phone normally. So no, there is not a disconnect but I agree with ListeningButNotHearing, I think my mum is emotionally unintelligent.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 07:35

@ListeningButNotHearing

I think you're correct here, she is emotionally unintelligent. My sister and I have spoken about this often. Her behaviour towards us all shows this. My sister doesn't handle it well and they fall out regularly and they don't speak for days, and sometimes weeks on end, and it's always my sister who has to eat humble pie. I rarely argue with my mum, I just accept her the way she is. The one thing I can say is that if I don't contact her, I am sure she will never contact me again, she is that stubborn. She's my mum and I don't want to fall out with her forever, so I know it will be me who makes contact and apologises and I really feel like I didn't do anything wrong.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 07:44

I am not determined to go on the trip at all, in fact if she had mentioned to me that her friend couldn't go I might even have suggested she ask my sister. It's so not about the trip, it's about finding out that she would prefer to spend a weekend with my sister than me and then not talk to me for over a month because I was feeling hurt by that. If my sons are feeling upset over anything I feel just as upset and I would do anything in power to make them feel better. Isn't that what mothers do?

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 07:49

Yes I totally agree. I've been wanting to call for several days now but just don't know where to begin the conversation.

Magenta82 · 13/03/2022 08:06

Name change fail?

peboh · 13/03/2022 08:11

Could it not be a case of sister was with your mum when friend cancelled and perhaps went "oh I'll go with you mum" and your mum just took her up on that, rather than offering it sister?

I don't think yabu to feel a little upset, but I also don't think it's worth hanging onto. Your mum and sister are also being pathetic to have not spoken to you for over a month.

Moyny · 13/03/2022 08:19

Name change fail, OP. And when you give someone a present, you can’t then tell them there are strings, or specify who is allowed to go with her.

As a pp said, if you wanted to go, you should have bought the tickets for yourself and invited her.

I also think you’re contradicting yourself about family dynamics. You say you’re close, but the set of relationships you describe are full of competitiveness, jostling for position and fallings out.

Thatsplentyjack · 13/03/2022 08:23

People saying its a gift and it's her choice are completely missing the point. Sometimes it's like People on MN are robots.

YANBU OP I really couldn't imagine my mum doing something like that, and I would be really hurt if she did. I would be pissed off at my sister too.

curlii103 · 13/03/2022 08:25

Why did you tell her to take a friend? Id infer that to mean you would go only if no other option. Id have thought they were not trying to upset you but i think its odd your mum isnt speaking to you. Xx

stimpyyouidiot · 13/03/2022 08:28

I'd probably stop buying expensive trips and stuff but that's just me...

Discodancinggiraffe · 13/03/2022 08:31

Your gifts seem over the top. Do you have more money than your family? You maybe coming across like lady bountiful. Giving them gifts they can't afford themselves. Which may explain why the poorer family members would rather share the treat. Or are you very needy? Because I used to buy my mum tickets to see a show every year. She could take anyone she wanted. Even if it was her partner at the time I couldnt stand. Her gift, her choice.

For them not to be speaking to you I suspect there is much more to the story. I would be interested in hearing their side.

Moyny · 13/03/2022 08:34

@Thatsplentyjack

People saying its a gift and it's her choice are completely missing the point. Sometimes it's like People on MN are robots.

YANBU OP I really couldn't imagine my mum doing something like that, and I would be really hurt if she did. I would be pissed off at my sister too.

I’m not missing the point at all. The OP expressed her willingness to go on the weekend if a friend couldn’t go. Her mother chose to ask her sister, not realising she’d entered into some form of binding obligation with the OP, and thinking that she had the use of her own free will over her present. Unfortunately, the OP is competitive and insecure in relation to her mother ‘preferring’ her sister.

NameGoesHere · 13/03/2022 08:36

Stop being so generous. Unless your sister lives in Switzerland, a spa trip in Swiss alps is OTT.

BloodyN0rah · 13/03/2022 08:49

Are you in the UK? With Mother’s Day coming up could you just phone her and arrange something without the whole humble pie bit?
I’d stop the expensive gifts as it doesn’t seem like they’re appreciated.
I think your mum either did this because she enjoys the drama and likes causing upset or she doesn’t realise she’s doing it. It sounds like the first one to me?
Also, your sister had the chance to defuse this, she could have backed out and said go with OP, was she behind the change of plan for power of attorney? It sounds like there’s a lot to unpack!

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