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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do?

68 replies

tjarvis1679 · 12/03/2022 16:52

I bought my mum a weekend for two in a hotel with a murder mystery theme night, for Christmas. I told her it would be great if she took a friend and had a nice time, but if she couldn't find a friend who could go, then I would be very happy to go with her. She found a friend and I helped her book it for next June. Everyone was happy. Then a month ago my sister phoned to say that my mum's friend could no longer go and that she was going instead. I was a little upset and so I asked my mum about it and she confirmed that my sister was going. I reminded her that I said I would be happy to go if her friend couldn't and she got angry and told me that I'd said it was her choice. So her words confirmed to me that she chose to go with my sister instead of me. The way I see it is that she has chosen between her two daughters rather than just going with 'the person who bought the tickets'. I was a bit upset on the phone and now both my mum and my sister haven't spoken to me for more than a month.(Incidently, I bought my sister two days in a spa hotel in the Swiss Alps for Christmas so it's not like she was missing out.) Do you think I am wrong to be upset by this? Should I apologise?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 13/03/2022 08:50

Maybe your mum feels that she needs to work on her relationship with your sister. Maybe she knows your dsis is having a rough time at the moment. Maybe she thinks your dsis has fewer evenings out or less disposable income. It could be all sorts of things.

Your mum is right, it is her present and she should be able to choose who to take without causing resentment.

crossstitchingnana · 13/03/2022 09:01

I am always curious when I hear "we're so close" and then there are huge failings out. My family "get on" and I would say there's a lot of love and affection, but we're not close. They're my family, not friends, and I certainly don't tell them everything. We have never, ever fallen out.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 09:09

@NameGoesHereoes here

Well I live in the French Alps and work in Geneva. My family were coming to spend Christmas and New year and my sister had flights for two days before everyone else ... the spa was on route. It wasn't such a big deal.

Theunamedcat · 13/03/2022 09:10

Don't apologise just dismiss it if she asks for an apology say what for? We are allowed to disagree on things sometimes it doesn't matter and move the conversation on if she persists tell her you will call back later just dont engage with it

Literally ring with a conversation in mind

And just buy small "thoughtful" gifts in future nothing lavish nothing to be shared

DedalusBloom · 13/03/2022 09:15

So given the power of attorney situation it seems your mum has done this exact same thing before ( prioritising your sister over you) but it's the repetition of the dynamic that this time has pissed you off? Because it's the same dick move she's pulled before, and I would want to talk to her about it and let her know how you feel.

She may well be emotionally immature but people can learn and change their behaviour.

Glad you're all executors though - I've seen too many families fall apart when only one sibling has that power over the others.

PleaseBeSeated · 13/03/2022 09:16

[quote kikidee1679]@NameGoesHereoes here

Well I live in the French Alps and work in Geneva. My family were coming to spend Christmas and New year and my sister had flights for two days before everyone else ... the spa was on route. It wasn't such a big deal.[/quote]
But where is the murder mystery weekend — in the UK? If it’s in the UK, and they’re in the UK, surely it makes sense for your mother to invite your sister, rather than for you to trek over from France?

implantreplace · 13/03/2022 09:18

Why on earth did your sister call your mother to cancel on your mother’s friends behalf?!

girlmom21 · 13/03/2022 09:19

@implantreplace

Why on earth did your sister call your mother to cancel on your mother’s friends behalf?!
Her sister called OP to explain the change of plan
implantreplace · 13/03/2022 09:20

Oh I see your sister told you

You have a lovely gift
However there was no obligation for your mother to select you
She chose her other daughter
I get that you’re hurt but you are creating drama around something that was a treat for your mother
Just bite your lower lip and wish them both a lovely time

And stop buying these kinds of gifts where you hold out for a cancellation so that you can benefit too!!

implantreplace · 13/03/2022 09:20

You gave

implantreplace · 13/03/2022 09:22

[quote tjarvis1679]@NotABear
I agree the whole point of the gift is so she enjoys it, but now I feel she is telling me indirectly that she will enjoy herself more with my sister than me. I thought she loved us both the same.[/quote]
Enjoying a specific activity more with one child over another does NOT mean she loves the other more

Onlyforcake · 13/03/2022 09:28

Definitely downgrade all of the gifts going forward. Be clear with your mother that you'd like the the chance to spend the with her, without lavishing money on doing that. It sounds like you can expect them to suddenly be very busy. Sorry op. Sounds very harsh being dismissed so easily.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 16:09

@Magenta82

I don't understand what you mean by a name change fail? I'm inexperienced with forums, particularly this one. After seeing everyone else's username on here I decided it might be better to not use my real name so I change it to the name of my cat. Did I do something wrong?

BobHadBitchTits · 13/03/2022 16:26

[quote kikidee1679]@Magenta82

I don't understand what you mean by a name change fail? I'm inexperienced with forums, particularly this one. After seeing everyone else's username on here I decided it might be better to not use my real name so I change it to the name of my cat. Did I do something wrong?[/quote]
No but when you use the same name, your posts are a different colour to the other posters so they're easier to spot. Or you can filter by just the OPs posts. You've changed names now so only those posted under your original name are a different colour/filtered.

People say name change fail as often, an OP will change names for a post and then accidentally respond using their normal username.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 16:31

Thanks for all your replies, it's really helped me and made me realise how important it is to sort this out. I'll be calling my mum soon and I definitely feel better about doing that after digesting some of your advice.

kikidee1679 · 13/03/2022 16:34

@BobHadBitchTits

Oh I see, Thanks for the explanation. Now I know, I'll be careful not to do that again.

BoredZelda · 14/03/2022 10:58

But in the last couple of years there have been a few incidents that have been a little upsetting but I have just eaten humble pie.

This makes it sound like those events were your fault?

BoredZelda · 14/03/2022 11:03

They're my family, not friends, and I certainly don't tell them everything. We have never, ever fallen out.

I’m not close to my brother, we fall out quite a lot. My sister is one of my best friends, I can’t remember the last time we fell out. Not since we were adults, probably.

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