Are overweight ever attractive to others?

[Idkiibu]

I’m one of them, overweight people. I was never “thin”, but I was everything from mid range of a healthy BMI up to obese I. I don’t have an hourglass type of body, unfortunately. I’m “apple” shaped with fat concentrated around my waist, back, and my round face also quickly becomes chubby.
Being now in my mid 30s yo-yo dieting all my life I came to a realisation that it’s easier to accept my “unattractiveness”, rather than trying to get something I will never get.
I have an attractive (by today’s standards) face but it never mattered much because a girl with a thin (not even fit, thin!) body will be chosen any time over me. I’ve always felt how people are “allergic” to my type of “fat”.
Yes, I do have issues with food and the only consolation is that my children are not fixated on food like me, they are active, fit and healthy. I will never make the same mistakes as my mother did. I remember the first day I started to secretly get rid of my food. She used to comment on my chubby tummy (I wasn’t even overweight), but refused to cook anything healthy for me.
I’m married by the way. Although my husband and I never talk about it, we both going from normal weight to borderline obese and back over the years. I don’t “need” to be attractive to others, but the difference in how people treat me over my weight in every day life is startling and very difficult to ignore.
Could you talk to me about the mind shift in your motivation to lose weight from desire to become “attractive” to desire of just being “healthy”. I’m so tired of this battle.

Without wishing to sound crude, you have children so someone found you attractive enough to have sex with more than once.

Attraction is a mix of things - physical looks but also personality, values etc. you sound very critical of yourself which is not going to be an attractive quality. Focus on you - being healthy, active, a good role model to your kids, and the rest will fall in place.

Your title doesn’t really match your post

I think it's more about your confidence than your weight. I've been everything from size 16-24 as an adult, I'm not particularly fantastic looking but do have some nice features like my eyes and good shaped lips. I've been chatted up by strangers and told I'm beautiful, my husband thinks I'm beautiful.

If you are down on yourself then that comes through to the way you see yourself in the mirror and the way other people see you. It may benefit you to see if there's anything you can do to improve your sense of self worth and self esteem.

I'm with you OP. I am currently a size 16 -18 and carry weight on my waist, back and torso so I just look like a solid rectangular block of lard.

I know women who wear a size 16/18 but are curvy with big arse, tummy and boobs but slimmer limbs and shoulders, relatively trim waist and look fantastic. They have no trouble attracting partners.

I read on here and on SM that fat = curvy but in my case, it's anything but.

I agree with the poster that a lot of it is about confidence. But if you don't like what you see in the mirror, it's difficult to feel confident. I'm in my 50s now and I am invisible. My tall, blonde, slim, same age friend still gets men approaching her in the street so it's not just my age. I am comfortable with no longer being able to attract men and I don't miss attention from men other than my DH but I like to wear nice clothes and be healthy and that is my motivation to lose weight now.

Slimming world is great for focusing on health and avoiding the fad/unrealistic dieting.

More than half the adult population is overweight or obese. Are they all single then?

@Betwixtlives

Your title doesn’t really match your post

Yes! I thought it was just me but it's a bit confusing.

I'm overweight. Obese even. It hasn't stopped me from finding a very attractive, slim and successful boyfriend - my weight is a work in progress and I've lost a lot since the start of the year, but he has met me while I am still fat and loves me and fancies me anyway. And gets cross if I say anything negative about my body, because he says that all he sees is me, and every inch of me is gorgeous. We met online and I was nervous meeting for the first time, in case he was disgusted, but his only nerves were whether his covid test would be negative or positive

It depends how you carry yourself. Do you wear clothes that are frumpy and loose to hide your body, or do you wear attractive items and look after yourself?

Hair, teeth and posture make a huuuuuge difference to the attractiveness of another person, no matter their body shape.

@DontLookBackInAnger1

Slimming world is great for focusing on health and avoiding the fad/unrealistic dieting.

Funniest thing I have ever read!

I’m so tired of this battle.

What battle - you're married, so presumably don't need to be 'attractive to others' ?

@DontLookBackInAnger1

Slimming world is great for focusing on health and avoiding the fad/unrealistic dieting.

No it's not! Good lord.

@oioimatey
I’ve got good teeth and hair. I do hide my body because my body shape is very unpopular. Nothing ever fits or looks good when you’ve got wider back and zero waist and are overweight. My bottom half is 1-2 sizes smaller than the upper side lol
It’s so hard to wear anything pretty.

@Westfacing
I don’t understand why you have to pretend to not understand:) I do not NEED it per se, but unfortunately our society works in a way we don’t always happy about. As treating people differently based on what they look like. I’m not ready to argue to anyone on this thread so if you can’t relate, that’s fine.

But you’re married? Your husband presumably finds you attractive whatever your size? Attraction is about so much more than how someone looks physically anyway.

You are too young to sound like you’ve given up. These should be the best years of your life … also waist weight is unhealthy for women

I think you should read any book about healthy weight (eg Fuhrman, Jason Fung, the why we eat too much book etc) and think about being a healthy weight to enjoy a long life … then go about making sustainable changes for you

Are there things you’d like to do if you were a healthier weight?

Btw, I have ranged in BMI from about 24-34 so I know it’s not easy and also that not everyone is going to be a size 6 (or even a 10 or 12). We have different shapes and sizes but we know if we are healthy or not in truth

@CthulhuInDisguise
I admire your confidence, I wish I was the same.
I’ve met my husband in RL after years of being ignored/unlucky in love. I’ve been in an ok shape at that time. I remember trying a few blind dates and… still can’t forget the disappointment on my date’s face :D We’ve been chatting for some time before we met and he was so over the moon over my “personal qualities” before he actually saw me.

My DH thinks he is overweight, but he’s very fit. He goes through phases when he can’t button his trousers and then gets depressed about it. I think he has a big build and that he wouldn’t think he was overweight if he didn’t buy trousers that were too small. I hate him going on about his weight - it’s boring, and I think he looks fine. It only comes and goes in phases, so mostly he is fine. I am very slender but not particularly fit.

@THisbackwithavengeance
I can relate. I’m definitely not “curvy”. I can’t really put a positive spin on the way I think about my fat because it’s also unhealthy to carry the weight around my waist, as another poster have correctly mentioned too.

Everyone is someone’s type.

I know more men who prefer slightly overweight women to women who are thinner.

I guess it depends on the age of the man too and if they grew up in the era of size zero models but most men like women who aren’t too big or too small and in the UK I’d say that’s anything between a size 10-18.

Have a look at Rebelfit. It’s about focusing on health rather than weight. Very insightful and supportive.

It's a bit of a cringey Americanism off Instagram, but it's a game changer if you're able to start nourishing yourself and exercising moderately because you LOVE your body, not because you hate it.

Your body isn't this awful thing you've been lumbered with, it's an amazing thing that keeps you alive, and lets you do everything you want to do. So it deserves to be loved and looked after.

I get it OP. I am married and have two kids. But I still get ignored in day to day life because i do not confirm to a social ideal.

You asked about making losing weight about health. My answer is that I had a health scare. I had a gall bladder attack at Christmas and genuinely thought I wss going to die (there is a history of pancreatic and digestive system cancers in my family, so I wasn't being totally overdramatic BTW!). That has stopped me from drinking and eating to excess. I never want to feel like I did at Christmas ever again.

I think with clever dressing and a smile anyone can be universally acknowledged as attractive or handsome.

I believe a certain body type can make it harder to be effortlessly gorgeous though. When I was heavier and was bigger of stomach, with back rolls and a chubby face, I couldn’t just chuck on a pair of jeans and t shirt, or a bikini and feel fabulous. I’d look nice in a structured dress and a pair of heels but it took a lot of work and I always felt trussed up. I’m pregnant now but once my baby is born I’m looking forward to getting back into exercise and feeling great in jeans and trainers again.

@MNSVigilante
It’s funny how our stories are almost the same. Pre pandemic I managed to lose so much weight and I looked wonderful, all due to a very bad health scare. Similar circumstances to yours. No gym, but a very healthy diet, lower carb, no gluten, veggies and healthier meats etc etc. But after the scare has gone, and pandemic hit, I regained a lot of weight and started to have wine again etc It’s soul destroying. It was so wonderful to be healthier and more attractive, to wear better clothes. But I’ve also found a job since after being a SAHM for years and I love my job so much. But it’s SO stressful and you know the story. When the day is over and my children are in bed, my fridge is always there waiting :D