Are overweight ever attractive to others?

[Idkiibu]

I’m one of them, overweight people. I was never “thin”, but I was everything from mid range of a healthy BMI up to obese I. I don’t have an hourglass type of body, unfortunately. I’m “apple” shaped with fat concentrated around my waist, back, and my round face also quickly becomes chubby.
Being now in my mid 30s yo-yo dieting all my life I came to a realisation that it’s easier to accept my “unattractiveness”, rather than trying to get something I will never get.
I have an attractive (by today’s standards) face but it never mattered much because a girl with a thin (not even fit, thin!) body will be chosen any time over me. I’ve always felt how people are “allergic” to my type of “fat”.
Yes, I do have issues with food and the only consolation is that my children are not fixated on food like me, they are active, fit and healthy. I will never make the same mistakes as my mother did. I remember the first day I started to secretly get rid of my food. She used to comment on my chubby tummy (I wasn’t even overweight), but refused to cook anything healthy for me.
I’m married by the way. Although my husband and I never talk about it, we both going from normal weight to borderline obese and back over the years. I don’t “need” to be attractive to others, but the difference in how people treat me over my weight in every day life is startling and very difficult to ignore.
Could you talk to me about the mind shift in your motivation to lose weight from desire to become “attractive” to desire of just being “healthy”. I’m so tired of this battle.

My bushland likes me fat or thin, currently on the fat side after baby. Working on trimming down for health rather than to be attractive, if I was bothered about that I'd not have yeti legs.

Husband not bushland, wtf auto correct 🤣

Just want to say look for the podcast Maintenance Phase, OP. It's about how crap the diet industry and our societal narrative around weight is. Cannot recommend it enough.

I've been all sorts of sizes and definitely get more male attention the slimmer I am. BUT I still always had male attention when fat/fatter - some men like fat women and some men don't care if you're fat. I'm no beauty either, just averagely attractive.

@Idkiibu I am with you on the pic thing, I always think I scrub up until I see a pic and then I am woah! I have many special occasions that I refused to be in pics because I felt shit about myself. I am only learning now that these memories are lost forever. We all carry trauma some can brush it off, others carry it like a weight. Parents can have a lot to answer for - again learning this on the job! Tbh whenever I used to hear the term self love or any of that I used to think oh piss off! By self love I mean actually advocating for yourself, making informed decisions about what you want, not shoving cake in your gob because it lifts your mood for 10 mins (me) I truly believe as we get older things shift, soon it will be wrinkles and grey hairs and how young we look compared to others. Comparison is the thief of joy. Get some books on emotionally unavailable parents (unless you have already) its a real eye opener as to why you can carry such a burden from childhood trauma x

I'm sit between a size 14 up to an 18. I've been as big as a 22/24. I've never struggled not being found attractive tbh! My DP carries weight but I think he is possibly the sexiest man on the planet and every inch of him is delicious.

@Idkiibu

Impossible question to answer. As some posters have said, some size 16-20 women will be attractive, hour glass shape, pretty face, nicely made up, nice clothes etc, and some will just look dumpy and 'fat.' (Sorry, I can't think of any nice adjectives!)

Also, I know a man who has always classed any woman over a size 8 (with a waist size of more than 24-26") as 'fat.' He always made sure 'his women' stayed thin. Not slim or athletic. THIN. Every girlfriend he ever had, put 2-3 stone on within 4-6 months of the relationship ending with him.

My DH thinks any woman up to size 16/18 is fine, and not 'fat' at all.

But (and I'm sorry if this sounds unkind) I don't think most people are attracted to very obese people (say, 35-40%+ BMI.) It's not attractive, and it's not healthy.

@Chely

My bushland likes me fat or thin, currently on the fat side after baby. Working on trimming down for health rather than to be attractive, if I was bothered about that I'd not have yeti legs.

Bushland! Tee hee.

@Kanaloa

Obviously overweight people are attractive to some others because you’re overweight but married with kids. It won’t be attractive to everyone but what will? I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks Chris Hemsworth’s a munter and wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot barge pole. That’s just life, you won’t please everyone.

Oh fuck no. Chris Hemsworth is gorgeous!

I get you though.

I think Tom Hardy, Leo DiCaprio, and Brad Pitt are gorgeous. My friend thinks they're all 'ugly.' She fancies Benedict Cumberbatch who is really unattractive and weird looking IMO. Ditto Cillian Murphy and James Nesbitt. Loads of women go gaga over those 2. I think they are weird looking too and couldn't fancy them if you paid me.

Horse for courses...

How you feel about yourself is the most attractive thing.

If you feel more attractive slimmer you are going to be more confident, more outgoing, happier, dress better and you’ll give off great vibes.

Whereas if you dislike being obese you are self harming by overeating and are going to be less confident, happy, outgoing etc. and other people including men will pick up on this and not approach you as often.

@WonderfulYou

How you feel about yourself is the most attractive thing.

If you feel more attractive slimmer you are going to be more confident, more outgoing, happier, dress better and you’ll give off great vibes.

Whereas if you dislike being obese you are self harming by overeating and are going to be less confident, happy, outgoing etc. and other people including men will pick up on this and not approach you as often.

This. ^ I feel hideous and ugly when I am 'fat.' (I am fat IMO at 4 stone overweight, and a size 20.) I feel really unattractive. And I look it because I am so unconfident that I CBA to even make myself up to look 'nice.' Yet several women I know are that size/weight, and OK with it, and look really nice/attractive.

My friend was really quite overweight and when she became suddenly unwell she was poorly treated in hospital and not taken seriously. A few hours later she was dead. I am very convinced that her weight made the medics take her less seriously.

An investigation is in progress and mistakes were definitely made but I doubt that this bias will be considered. Indeed they may try to use her weight as a reason they misdiagnosed her.😢

@Westfacing

I’m so tired of this battle.

What battle - you're married, so presumably don't need to be 'attractive to others' ?

Agreed, here I was thinking that here was someone I had something in common with in terms of the dating game and feeling confident enough to put yourself out there. Well clearly your husband found you attractive!

@MatildaTheCat

My friend was really quite overweight and when she became suddenly unwell she was poorly treated in hospital and not taken seriously. A few hours later she was dead. I am very convinced that her weight made the medics take her less seriously.

An investigation is in progress and mistakes were definitely made but I doubt that this bias will be considered. Indeed they may try to use her weight as a reason they misdiagnosed her.😢

this is a very real thing

Some overweight people can be very attractive. Plus size models prove that. But you're right OP, there is definitely a 'right and wrong' type of overweight depending on body shape. Plus size models are typically just a larger version of a slim hour glass. They are in proportion. So really, no great strides have actually been made in terms of valuing diversity in body size/shape. I think if a woman carries her weight in certain places it's very unlikely she will be seen to be attractive based on her body. However, that is just one aspect of her appearance and she could be seen as attractive based on a lovely face, great hair, good style, even her personality (shocker!).

@DontLookBackInAnger1

Slimming world is great for focusing on health and avoiding the fad/unrealistic dieting.

This could not be less true. OP you sound perfectly sensible but just in case... please ignore this.

@5128gap
Thanks for your comment.
I definitely agree on the way different “types” of overweight are treated differently.
I also am NOT in denial on how my particular type of “fat” is more unhealthy (fat around my stomach), but I’d love to see my type of people presented in the movies more, just to give myself and other people like me some sense of “normality”. I feel it would de-polarise the issue and reduce self hate leading to never ending cycle of diets and bingeing.
Just for the record, my BMI is 30 and I feel quite unhealthy at the moment. I felt the best when my I was 23.

@LittleGwyneth
I’ve never heard of a slimming world programme. I successfully lost weight on reducing carbs (but non keto), but also unhealthy fats and overall less calories. But despite a tremendous success in improving my health (proved by blood tests and scans) and looks I couldn’t keep it up and I feel like such a failure right now. I have food issues I’m too scared to get help with because I know it starts with me anyway, so what’s the point of dragging myself through the NHS, they are struggling anyways. My problem is I overeat, even though I prefer healthy food. It’s related to my anxiety and I usually eat more when I’m unhappy or stressed. If I’m too stressed however to the point of panic attacks, I lose my appetite completely and have a history of losing 15 kg in one month because I just couldn’t eat. Sometimes when I’m very excited or happy I don’t have appetite either, I can be satisfied with one bite here and there. It’s complicated. Pandemic was a bit on me.

Gosh I could wax lyrical for hours on this. I've been overweight all of my life ranging from a size 28 to a size 16/18 which I currently am.

I am quite an extreme apple shape in that I have lost 6 stone in the last few years due to health issues. I could do with losing another 2. All my weight is around my middle and my bmi is 28 atm.

I thought at 5.5 ( so not particularly short ) and 12 stone.4 I would be about a size 14 ...

No chance! Not with my body shape. Huge 36ff boobs. Waist is still about 42 inches and I have a flat bum with size 10 legs ( I mean ridiculously skinny ) so I have to be sooo careful to wear 'balancing' outfits.

I agree with the poster upthread who said that most plus size models conform to the hourglass shape so the same as a smaller model and in proportion. Or ( and I'm looking at you PLT ) very pear shaped models with small boobs, large bum and thighs so jeans fit them very tight but they have very small waists.

I have been up to a size 26/28 when I was 18 stone plus and I still managed to get partners. I don't know maybe they liked fat women or maybe they liked my personality. 🤷‍♀️

I do genuinely think that if you project a certain confidence and look try your best to look lovely whatever your size it does make you attractive.

Confidence really is everything but I also know that's easier said than done.

Op this photo I've attached of me is recent. It's a size 16 dress ( I can wear an 18 and usually do - even a bloody 20 in Karen Millen curve stuff )

I just wanted to show you that it's possible to dress nicely for an apple - ok maybe a dress isn't your thing but you have to concentrate on the good bits and it will make you feel a million dollars 🙌

Do try and lose weight if you can and want to - you are not unattractive you just think you are.

The mindset is even more important than the weight loss - I don't actually think I'm treated any differently than my thinner peers.

I try to look good and project a positive demeanour - honestly work on that and you are 80 percent there!

@DoobryWhatsit

It's a bit of a cringey Americanism off Instagram, but it's a game changer if you're able to start nourishing yourself and exercising moderately because you LOVE your body, not because you hate it.

Your body isn't this awful thing you've been lumbered with, it's an amazing thing that keeps you alive, and lets you do everything you want to do. So it deserves to be loved and looked after.

I think this is spot on. I had been a bit of frustrated yo-yo dieter for years but recently have stopped 'dieting' and instead made healthy lifestyle changes that have the side effect of my losing weight. Which sounds like the same thing but it isn't. I had a few health issues that were made worse by being overweight and it made me realise that actually my body isn't a thing to be battled but something that is linked to my quality of life and taking care of it is something I can take pride in. If I live for an average amount of time I'm almost halfway through and being happy and healthy is what I want for the second half of my life so that's my focus.

@Wagsandclaws
You look gorgeous and I really mean it. You see, I’m not brave enough to wear dresses, but yours looks good!! I usually wear skinny jeans and oversized shirts… I know confidence is everything, I just can’t seem to digest how the attitude towards me has changed since I regained the weight. But I’m getting there!!

@Idkiibu honestly I'm convinced that the only reason that you think that attitudes have changed since you gained weight is because you FEEL rubbish so project that outwards.

I'm not for a minute saying that there aren't some people who actively treat more overweight people in a different way than they treat smaller people because that's just not true.

Perceptions of fat are ingrained in our society as lazy and horrible sadly.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I didn't let anyone treat me like that. I made sure I got served at the bar when my turn came 🤣

Your outfit sounds fine, pop a belt on your high waist so the top isn't like a tent and make the most of your smaller legs ( which I bet you have if you are an apple! )

There is a lot to be said for @WhyMeLord 's post. Try really hard to start to love that body that makes all of this possible, your children, your life, all of it!

You are still really young. I just tuned 50 and lost all the weight in my late 40's , yep I wish I'd done it earlier but here I am and nothing has changed, no one treats me differently now I'm smaller or because I am older.

Confidence is a very attractive quality. 'Fake it til you make it' is key with me x

You can change an apple shape to some degree with weights and get a more defined waist with yoga / Pilates. I’ve seen some stunning transformations at my gym where there is a bigger body but it’s all in proportion. They really work for it though.

[quote Idkiibu]@oioimatey
I’ve got good teeth and hair. I do hide my body because my body shape is very unpopular. Nothing ever fits or looks good when you’ve got wider back and zero waist and are overweight. My bottom half is 1-2 sizes smaller than the upper side lol
It’s so hard to wear anything pretty.[/quote]
A more fitted skirt with a loose top?