Are overweight ever attractive to others?

[Idkiibu]

I’m one of them, overweight people. I was never “thin”, but I was everything from mid range of a healthy BMI up to obese I. I don’t have an hourglass type of body, unfortunately. I’m “apple” shaped with fat concentrated around my waist, back, and my round face also quickly becomes chubby.
Being now in my mid 30s yo-yo dieting all my life I came to a realisation that it’s easier to accept my “unattractiveness”, rather than trying to get something I will never get.
I have an attractive (by today’s standards) face but it never mattered much because a girl with a thin (not even fit, thin!) body will be chosen any time over me. I’ve always felt how people are “allergic” to my type of “fat”.
Yes, I do have issues with food and the only consolation is that my children are not fixated on food like me, they are active, fit and healthy. I will never make the same mistakes as my mother did. I remember the first day I started to secretly get rid of my food. She used to comment on my chubby tummy (I wasn’t even overweight), but refused to cook anything healthy for me.
I’m married by the way. Although my husband and I never talk about it, we both going from normal weight to borderline obese and back over the years. I don’t “need” to be attractive to others, but the difference in how people treat me over my weight in every day life is startling and very difficult to ignore.
Could you talk to me about the mind shift in your motivation to lose weight from desire to become “attractive” to desire of just being “healthy”. I’m so tired of this battle.

I think attractiveness is closely linked to how confident you are and how comfortable you are in your own skin. I've got friends of all sizes from very thin to obese and some of the larger ladies are much happier and seem to be much more successful in relationships than some of the thinner ones.

One of my friends is size 18, curvy, gregarious, gorgeous red curls and totally rocks her outfits. Men can't get enough of her. Yet my lovely tall, blonde, size 10, desperately needy friend just can't seem to get beyond a second date.

It’s my favourite style, @Suprima. And just like you said, I can’t make this style work at the moment due to the body shape.

My best friend is overweight, probably even in the obese category and she is stunning. Definitely my most attractive friend. She dresses well, has great hair and a lovely smile (and great teeth).

She is trying to lose weight to be healthier but is taking a slow and steady approach. But yes you definitely can be overweight and attractive!

You are right to focus on your health rather than size. You don't have to be on a diet to eat healthily. If you follow the rule of 25%protein25%carbs and 50%fruit and veg you will feel full most of the time, less likely to snack and possibly lose some weight as well. Use wholegrain carbs as often as possible and don't guesstimate the portion sizes. Also, there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself a treat now and then (say once a week). I found out I was type 2 diabetic about 10 years ago and have not needed to use insulin. I have also lost over 5 stone in that time

I'm fat- size 18 to 20. Big bum. Big boobs. Fat face. I'm on a dating app and get men and women messaging me every day. I'm honest about what I look like. Doesn't seem to put many off.

Obviously overweight people are attractive to some others because you’re overweight but married with kids. It won’t be attractive to everyone but what will? I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks Chris Hemsworth’s a munter and wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot barge pole. That’s just life, you won’t please everyone.

One thing I do find hugely unattractive is ‘fat talk’ though. That doesn’t necessarily mean talk from overweight people because I have a slim friend who does it. She’s lovely and we work together so can’t avoid her but I dread going out with her. As soon as we get to Costa ‘oooohh I’d LOVE a cake. But I can’t… no it’s a bit naughty… look how many calories are in that one coffee, that’s so bad. I’m gaining so much weight at the moment.’

And that’s all before we get to the table and I hear about how many syns she’s done that day, while she eats the same cake I chose with very little faffing about. I hate hearing people go on and on about their weight/diet so that would put me off more than someone who is a bit chunky.

YANBU to be fed up with disrespectful, unequal and/or discriminatory treatment.

And to find managing food issues difficult. Many of us struggle with that.

YABU though to be focusing on others’ perceptions of your sexual attractiveness. I have two (thin) married friends who seem preoccupied with whether or not others fancy them. I don’t get it.

I'm a slim heterosexual woman and my DP is slim. However, I have found many overweight men attractive, it isn't something that I find off putting personally in a partner, and if sexually attracted to someone this would not be an issue for me.

This is just one person's opinion, but I don't differentiate: there's a healthy mix of big and slender men I've found equally attractive throughout my life.

As for women, whilst not sexually interested in them I have found overweight women equally as attractive (in terms of turning my head, thinking they're stunning, stylish, etc) as slim women.

My mindset massively changed when i started doing resistance training- its a thrill when you up your weights and the sense of accomplishment is great! I like feeling strong and changed my diet to fit with a healthier lifestyle, I aim to be strong and not skinny but with these changes i have lost a lot of inches too!

My BMI is “overweight” and I am a size ten and people would scoff at me if I was to call myself fat. I’ve never had any problem with attracting attention either, so yes.

@Kanaloa
I know it’s very annoying. I don’t see the point of drawing more attention to my issues anyway. Funnily enough everyone I know loves food a lot, just not everyone is overweight like me.

For me, I was always unhappy at being the size I am because I personally don't like being overweight. I have yo-yo'd up and down for years. I'm in my early 40s and feel menopause is gearing up and I do not want to spend the next 10 years fighting twice as hard as I did from teens through to now and still being miserable. I am short, wide back, big tummy and clothes look horrendous at the moment - lockdown really messed me up. I have spent months on end 'starting' on a Monday only to decend in to pure chaos of binging by Friday all the way through to Monday again. If you are into podcasts, Dr Chatterjee's on youtube are free and really got me thinking about why I eat the way I do and what I can do to help me be healthy. You don't 'need' to be attractive to anyone, you need to take care of yourself and the desire can only come from inside you. There is no magic pill or diet, there is never enough food to fill the hole.(believe me I have tried) My good friend is a 20/24 and oozes confidence and sex appeal, never spent an unhappy day worrying about weight. I've always known inside that being bigger (for me) does not make me happy or feel healthy.

You need to love yourself enough to be good to your body and mind. I know that if I carry on I will be on the path to type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol. I am more than half way there now if I am honest. The damage I am doing/done is real now. Fine when you're in your 20/30s - as you go in to 40s/50s it can mean medications, pain and worse. The big belly is inconvenient for clothes, it is also surrounding my liver in fat and predicting a future of disease, it was cosmetic in my 20s/30s - its now life limiting.

I started intermittent fasting this week and already feel the difference. I have not binged yet and don't plan to.

There are plenty of thin people drowning in some other hell that you don't live through yourself, does not mean they're mentally well if they can fit in to a size 10. Think about how you want to go in to your 40s - you only get one life, if you're content the way you are then fantastic! More power to you. But if you're not, it's only you that can change it. Be good to yourself and it will be good for your husband and kids. Your kids watching you being unhappy has a greater effect than you think.

Are there only slim people in relationships/marriages?

[quote Idkiibu]@Kanaloa
I know it’s very annoying. I don’t see the point of drawing more attention to my issues anyway. Funnily enough everyone I know loves food a lot, just not everyone is overweight like me.[/quote]
Yes I think most people love food! I don’t personally know anyone who doesn’t, although I know there are some people who just eat for fuel etc. I think it just depends what food you love and how much of it though. I do love cake but the one I have at costa on a Thursday is the only one I have all week. I do still love it but don’t have one everyday. Same with a lot of foods really.

Do you mean attractive as in securing modelling contracts and being in magazines? Because 99.9% of the population wouldn't achieve that. Even when the models are a bit more diverse, it's still an unattainable standard.

As for sexual attraction, you're overthinking it. People want someone who is fun to be with and wants to shag them. It's not a particularly high bar really.

I don't really get the question. There are generally attractive qualities and no, being obese probably isn't one of them but there are men who specifically find obese women attractive. You're married and have children, so it doesn't seem as if you're struggling to find someone.
If your question is whether you'll be able to get the privileges of the exceptionally pretty, then no, but most people don't have that luxury because it requires some combination of lucky genetics, lots of physical work (and the associated sacrifices/ free time) and money.
It's also generally only available for a relatively small period of your life.

@Wat2do222
Thanks for your post, I agree to all what you say. I feel like I am able to be confident, even looking the way I am right now. It’s just very short lived because I’m looking for the confirmation from outside and it never happens. Due to my work I have my pictures taken sometimes (not entertainment industry or anything) and when I see the photo my heart just sinks. I have had lots of rejection in my life, including from my very emotionally unavailable parents and I always overreact on the fact I’m not accepted/criticised. You’re so right about health. It makes me so scared thinking that soon my body will start to show more and more signs of distress. Sometimes, and only sometimes I think that despite all the abuse I caused to my body, I’m still here with no (knows or obvious) chronic health conditions that cause me suffering and pain and I’m so thankful. So why it’s so hard to be kind to myself. Thanks again, your perspective really help.

Doobrywhatsit andEllejelly are right imo

I had major physical trauma last year and put on weight (half a stone) and lost muscle due to immobility. I had been berating myself for this then suddenly thought that actually my body was bloody amazing for surviving and my mindset changed. It was so liberating.

I started back at the gym and yes doing weights is fab. It's like cherishing your body by keeping it strong and fit for life. It's feels empowering.

I am not obese but I am a bit overweight ( BMI is 24). When I go out with my friends (all skinny) I notice a huge difference in the way bartenders treat them and how they treat me. Their faces lose the flirty smile when it’s my turn to place an order. The same happens to me at the mall. My super skinny, fit in tight clothes friend is the one that gets all the extra help an attention from salesmen. If I need help they lose the friendly faces and look annoyed. So I truly believe that skinny people get better treatment in so many situations. And I’m not even that fat, but still, I have been treated differently all my life.

You have my ear op, and I identify with a lot of what you say.
Having done every diet ( and eating disorder) going, I’ve found that ac way to be less apple shaped is low carb and intermittent fasting, as taught by Dr Jason Fung who wrote The Obesity Code. His primary aim is to cure/ limit type two diabetes.
I I’ve found that by low carbing I cut out my “ trigger foods “ sugar and wheat, and that has hugely improved my relationship with food.
I am also constantly looking for more health related rather than looks related motivation to lose weight. My best one is that if I have no sugar I don’t get it flushes.
I’m also having therapy to deal with the feelings that over eating stops me feeling.
Best wishes on your journey with all this op.

Well yea... I've always been bigger then my friends. Even as a late teen. Them slim tall size 6/8/10. Me short rounder size 14/16. Met my now DH when I was 18. still short still round still size 14 ish. Weight up and down. Yet 2 kids and married so I'm 99.9% sure he finds me attractive even if others and my self don't. I'm not ugly by any means but I'm not beautiful either. But he doesn't ever complain.

Everyone has what they’re attracted to. For some, being overweight is an immediate disqualification. For others, it isn’t. It’s just the way things are.

Antares if your BMI is 24 you're not overweight. It must be something else. Do you smile enough? And skinny isn't always attractive anyway. I had to dump a boyfriend once as his skinny body gave me the creeps.

You have a point here. Rough year, don’t smile enough 😊