His weight gain, my clumsy approach

[TeacherJen]

I love my husband to bits. I still find him attractive. We have been together 18 years and have no kids and have, for the most part, enjoyed a reasonably good sex life despite our busy lives.

We have always been faithful and I don’t look at other men but over the last 4-5 years he’s put weight on.

I’ve always been fairly fit and made an effort because - if I’m honest - I’m the wrong side of 40 and I don’t want him to look at younger women and compare me too unfavourably.

For the first year or so of him being a bit overweight I didn’t say anything. I’ve always cooked healthy meals but he snacks a lot. In fairness he does put on weight quite easily.

I am NOT a fat snob and I’m not saying he’s massive but I don’t find him attractive the way I used to and it’s not very arousing for me these days when we are intimate.

I did nag him about his weight for a while (4 years ago) and I accept that was a bad move and I shouldn’t have done it and after that I stopped.

Anyway - we’ve been having sex a lot less often in the last year or so and he keeps bringing it up and saying I never make advances towards him any more - and it’s true - I don’t.

He’s mentioned it so many times over the last year that I finally opened up and told him that I don’t want to hurt him but I find him less physically arousing because he’s let himself go a bit. I don’t recall what exact phrase I used but I tried not to be too harsh but I think I worded it badly and inevitably he wasn’t going to want to hear it but he’s clearly very upset and then got angry.

I feel that he could maybe have made a bit more effort to exercise and not eat so much junk, like I do for him - but he says that’s my choice.

He’s hurt that I said anything and I replied by saying I’m sorry he’s hurt but can’t he also see that for me maybe it doesn’t make me feel too great that he seems to have stopped making an effort and I think he doesn’t care about me.

That was the final straw. He says I’m “insane” and he’s leaving me and that it’s “ludicrous” for me to feel that it shows he doesn’t care about me just because he’s put a few stone on.

I’m sure I have been unreasonable and I am so sorry I have hurt him - but my question is - am I unreasonable to think he could have made a bit more effort and that would have made me feel special and made me want to have sex with him more often? Am I being selfish?

He works fewer hours than I do and I cook a meal every night and have less time than him but still do my best to exercise. Maybe I’m being unrealistic.

Thanks for any input. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I don’t want to embarrass him. He’s a very good man and I do love him - I just didn’t want to keep pretending and making up reasons not to have sex.

I thinknif this was the other way round and a lady saying jer husband had saidbthings to her shed be told to ltb

Thanks for your honesty. It helps if people tell me honestly that I am out of line.

Is he actually leaving then?

I don’t see you’ve done anything wrong, he asked, you told him.

Why are you doing all the cooking? Stop that for one thing.

Tell him to get to grips with his diet, stop the snacking and start exercising together?

He asked; you told him the truth. If it hurts then so be it. But make sure he knows you still love him.

I'm sorry that came across dreadfully (and was virtually illegible!) I think commenting on a partners weight is wrong. As a severely overweight person (I am losing weight) the last thing I would need is my partner saying things about how dreadful I already feel inside.

Im very overweight and it wouldnt surprise me (and I wouldnt disagree ) if he told me that its way too much (it is) but either he really still finds me attractive or he is being tactful (which actually is impossible because he is tactless)

I think that you need to re evaluate what you want out of a relationship because it feels shallow. This isnt someone that you have just met and people change over the years. What if he had a medical condition which meant that medication made him crave food or meant he wasnt mobile and so put on weight.

Didn’t come across wrong at all. I genuinely appreciate your input. I’ve been with him so long and I don’t talk to my friends about him that I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable and I thought this is literally the place to get opinions and I’m honestly glad you’ve been direct with me. I mean it. Thank you.

So he moaned on at you about you not make sexual advances towards him and when you finally caved and told him the reason why he had a massive tantrum. He doesn’t sound like that good a man to me, and honestly if you’re not attracted to him anymore because he’s fat there’s not much you can do about it, so it’s down to him to act if he’s bothered isn’t it?

I’m sure people will be along to say no you are totally right etc etc but if the roles were reversed your husband would be torn apart.

You were unkind and tactless by the sounds of things

He’s sleeping in the spare room tonight. I’ve apologised profusely and I hope we can talk tomorrow. I’m sorry that I’ve hurt him and I’m clearly being tactless. I just got fed up of being berated about not having sex enough.

He asked you and you told him. You were honest with him rather than making up some bullshit reason why you didn’t want to be intimate with him. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You can’t help what you find attractive. It’s up to him what he does with this information now he knows.

I don't think his weight says anything about how he feels about you?! But then I thought your comment about how you've exercised a lot as you don't want him to look for younger women says more about how you view weight. Honestly I don't think there is a kind way to have this conversation. My husband had a very similar conversation with me after I gained 1st post pregnancy/ childbirth and honestly over two years later I still haven't got over the pain and upset it caused me. He's tried to make me feel better about it and convince me that he still. Finds me attractive but the damage is done. So I can sort of see how this might be something your other half doesn't see himself as being able to get past to be honest. Just because keeping yourself a certain shape or fitness level is important to you doesn't mean that same "rule" should have to apply to your loved one in my opinion. His body, his choice.

I do all the cooking because I quite enjoy it and he’s a terrible cook. It was probably an irrelevant detail. I only mentioned it in the context of me making healthy meals. It’s not that we have takeaways every night sort of thing.

I posted too soon!

I was also going to add that you are being unreasonable to perceive that because he isnt watching his weight, that means he doesnt care enough about you (I know its not a simplistic as that in terms of your feelings but that is more or less what you're saying)

The two are not connected, they might be in your head but not in reality. Im not surprised he is hurt and upset.

I think this is a tricky one, you were just being honest about how you feel, but I also doubt your husband’s weight gain has anything to do with his feelings towards you.

I was very poorly with my mental health a couple of years ago and went on medication that resulted in me putting on weight. I still haven’t lost the extra weight now, I work so hard on keeping my mental health level and functioning day to day that I haven’t had the energy to put into weight loss. I wish I could as I don’t like the way that I look but it’s not easy. My husband is amazing though, he never makes any negative comments about my appearance (in fact he does the opposite) and him telling me I was unattractive and not caring about him wouldn’t do a lot to motivate me to lose weight.

You are not wrong for finding him less attractive. You can't help that. I also think its not wrong to have been honest with him about it. The alternative would be to have sex you didn't want or let your sex life die, neither of which are good options. I think it was a mistake though to extrapolate that his weight gain is a lack of value of you. The two are highly unlikely to be in any way connected, and it comes across as self absorbed and lacking in empathy for the reasons people gain and struggle to lose weight. It was enough to point out his weight was an issue, but a step too far to suggest it makes him a complacent partner, and he would have shut down at that point.

Thanks. I didn’t say it to motivate him. It was a reaction to the nagging about sex. It clearly was a stupid thing for me to say. Thank you though. I do appreciate people taking the time to reply and give me some perspective. I hope everyone doesn’t think I’m an awful b*tch.

That’s what I thought. That’s why I posted. You’ve hit the nail on the head. It is paranoid and self-absorbed of me to assume the two are linked. I feel so stupid for saying that. I will try to talk to him tomorrow.

You said you still find him attractive but you don't. How much weight has he put on?

I can understand people finding someone who looks entirely different being less attractive. I also have less sympathy with men finding women who have given birth to several of their children unattractive. But that's not the case here.

I do really hate the 'let himself go' phrase though.

Your self perceived 'effort' to look good for him is irrelevant. It's not fair to say he isn't making an effort for you; he doesn't have to.

If a woman was a size 12 when she got married but gained weight after pregnancy and because obese, should her partner tell her to make effort to be attractive to him? Or should he realise that sex isn't just about how your partner looks but the love and relationship between them.

Essentially you were backed into a corner where to answer the question you either had to:
A) lie to spare his feelings
B) tell the truth and potentially hurt your DH

Open communication is the key to a healthy relationship, he wanted to know why you weren't so interested in sex and you gave him an honest response.

This may have hurt his feelings, but at least this way he knows what he needs to do to get your sex life back on track, where would lying have got you?

Weight is often a sensitive topic but a sexless relationship is also a problem, I really don't think there was a way to keep everyone happy in this situation.

At his heaviest dh was just over 20 stone
Positions were limited - sorry tmi - and it was a bit cringey that we both knew but kept shtum as to why it was a bit predictable.. So I stopped making moves to avoid the awkwardness. Mostly for dh's feelings... I suggested we both stop snacking as I have gained a bit - thanks Covid and boredom /extra snacking! Losing a few pounds each gave dh the boost to keep eating better and hoping to see results soon .. Other stresses getting in the way now!

It's tricky. You can't pretend to fancy someone...or you can but it's not great. My DP was getting rather chubby in the 18 months after the first lockdown. I still loved him and wanted sex with him, but wouldn't have looked twice at him in the street. It took a nasty bout of Covid and losing a couple of friends in their fifties to jerk him into action, and he's lost about ten kilos. I look at him and think "phwoar" again. But the key thing was he had to decide to do something about it, not me

Your not unreasonable to not fancy him or to be honest.

He's not unreasonable to be hurt that you no longer want to have sex with him specifically- as in you've not just gone off sex, and he's not unreasonable to be upset that you equate his weight gain with a lack of feelings towards him.

Dh recently asked if I was losing weight for him, because he wouldn't want that, and I thought it was a mad question but I guess some people do focus more on their partners wants rather than their own.

YOU'RE sweet mother of all that is holy above indeed