His weight gain, my clumsy approach

[TeacherJen]

I love my husband to bits. I still find him attractive. We have been together 18 years and have no kids and have, for the most part, enjoyed a reasonably good sex life despite our busy lives.

We have always been faithful and I don’t look at other men but over the last 4-5 years he’s put weight on.

I’ve always been fairly fit and made an effort because - if I’m honest - I’m the wrong side of 40 and I don’t want him to look at younger women and compare me too unfavourably.

For the first year or so of him being a bit overweight I didn’t say anything. I’ve always cooked healthy meals but he snacks a lot. In fairness he does put on weight quite easily.

I am NOT a fat snob and I’m not saying he’s massive but I don’t find him attractive the way I used to and it’s not very arousing for me these days when we are intimate.

I did nag him about his weight for a while (4 years ago) and I accept that was a bad move and I shouldn’t have done it and after that I stopped.

Anyway - we’ve been having sex a lot less often in the last year or so and he keeps bringing it up and saying I never make advances towards him any more - and it’s true - I don’t.

He’s mentioned it so many times over the last year that I finally opened up and told him that I don’t want to hurt him but I find him less physically arousing because he’s let himself go a bit. I don’t recall what exact phrase I used but I tried not to be too harsh but I think I worded it badly and inevitably he wasn’t going to want to hear it but he’s clearly very upset and then got angry.

I feel that he could maybe have made a bit more effort to exercise and not eat so much junk, like I do for him - but he says that’s my choice.

He’s hurt that I said anything and I replied by saying I’m sorry he’s hurt but can’t he also see that for me maybe it doesn’t make me feel too great that he seems to have stopped making an effort and I think he doesn’t care about me.

That was the final straw. He says I’m “insane” and he’s leaving me and that it’s “ludicrous” for me to feel that it shows he doesn’t care about me just because he’s put a few stone on.

I’m sure I have been unreasonable and I am so sorry I have hurt him - but my question is - am I unreasonable to think he could have made a bit more effort and that would have made me feel special and made me want to have sex with him more often? Am I being selfish?

He works fewer hours than I do and I cook a meal every night and have less time than him but still do my best to exercise. Maybe I’m being unrealistic.

Thanks for any input. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I don’t want to embarrass him. He’s a very good man and I do love him - I just didn’t want to keep pretending and making up reasons not to have sex.

An overweight man with a big belly can be a very unconfortable experience it's not sexy to feel squashed and short of air

It's always going to be controversial when someone you love starts becoming obese, and it's always going to be clumsy when you say anything. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If you do the cooking OP, then why not cook less. Serve smaller portions.

This is such a difficult situation, and you really couldn't have won whatever you did. He asked you- you could have a) lied to be kind, but risk him suspecting that you're lying and potentially even getting paranoid, and suspecting there's another underlying reason for such a shift in behaviour - potentially even worse (I.e. an affair). Or you could tell the truth and try and do so kindly, which it sounds like you tried to do.

Keep reassuring him, as he's probably really hurting now.

At the risk of getting flamed, my husband and I had a really similar conversation several years ago. He used to be much bigger- he lost 5 stone before I met him. A few years into our relationship he very rapidly gained weight. I honestly didn't care and wanted to support him. But the speed of which he gained the weight concerned me. I could see his confidence was taking a battering also. He didn't look v happy. And if I'm honest, I found it really hard to maintain attraction. I love him so much, end hated myself for not feeling as physically attracted- I never thought I was in anyway superficial, I always thought I was always attracted to his personality only, but it was a revealing time and ultimately you cannot force yourself to have sex if you're not feeling it.

Like you, I told him how i was feeling. It was a really difficult time and a v hard conversation. In the end he started to become more healthy - most importantly for himself. I'm not sure if it'll help but he now tells me that I was brave to have told him that, that he's grateful I did because now he's happier in his own skin, and he knows I did it from a place of love.

Hopefully that'll reassure you!

YANBU, he sounds like a lazy slob.

Don’t cook for him anymore and if you’re not happy start thinking of life after him.

Just to add - having said that, I would caution seeing his own view of how he treats his body as a direct indication of his feelings for you.

Frankly speaking it has nothing to do with how much he cares for you. The fact he has reacted with so much hurt is a clear reflection of how much he clearly cares about your opinion of him.

Hopefully one day he'll understand that your comments came from a place of love and concern. And he'll start to be kind to his own body through a positive healthy, balanced diet.

He's pre-diabetic so it is understandable that you are worried about his weight.

He's put on a few stones. How overweight is he.

It is not unusual to get the ick when a man puts on lots of weight.

That was the final straw. He says I’m “insane” and he’s leaving me and that it’s “ludicrous” for me to feel that it shows he doesn’t care about me just because he’s put a few stone on.
That is not on. He pushed you into explaining why you didn't initiate

There's a double standard as a pp said, if it as the other way round, it would be considered out of order. BUT, I agree with you, you've made the effort, he hasn't. Actions, or lack of them have consequences.

Also, women's bodies go through huge changes in life that men's do not. So I think women do have a right to a little extra leeway in this regard. But still, I think anyone in a relationship needs to be considerate of their partner, and that applies equally to both partners, age/ life changes taken into account and appreciated!

OP, YANBU. Weight gain is one of these things that we are told by society that we shouldn't mention or acknowledge at all, because yes, it hurts peoples feelings. And I get that, and I don't want to hurt people. But in your situation you were right to say something. If your DH is gaining weight by eating junk food then it's not only unattractive for you but its also bad for his health. Would you comment if he started smoking or binge drinking? I think that probably you would, anyone would, and I also think that smoking and binge drinking are comparable to binge eating junk food in that they're unhealthy habits that also might make you unattractive to your partner who previously adored you.

I am sure someone will flame me for saying this but I'm just being honest. I'd be put off if my (currently very athletic) husband if he started eating junk and stopped exercising and got fat, because I love his athletic appearance and how energetic he is because of his fitness. If he gained weight and stopped exercising, he'd lose these things which I love about him. Of course over time these things will lessen and fade with age, but like you said, I'd be secretly gutted if he just gave up on himself prematurely. I'm not a supermodel myself but I try to stay healthy because like you said, we should make an effort. I put on a bit of weight in the past and my husband mentioned it gently. Well, I asked him if he thought I'd put on weight, he tried to tactfully answer, and I reacted badly to his honesty 😂 Poor guy. It's hurtful, and not nice to hear! But I am so glad he was honest with me as it made me make the effort to get a bit fitter and now I feel so much better. It's not hard to lose a few pounds. I started cycling to and from work (30 minutes each way, but I also cycle home for lunch and back, so around 2 hours cycling a day snuck very nicely and conveniently into my daily routine! And very enjoyable). I also started intermittent fasting (only eating between 12:30 and 6) which suits me anyway as it's the time I feel most hungry. Weight loss can be easy, sustainable and healthy if there are no other issues like in your husband's case and it's just caused by lack of exercise and snacking. It doesn't need to be an ordeal. He could at least try, for himself and for you.

Your husband moans at you because you don't want sex but makes no effort to make himself attractive to you and also gets angry when you tell him the reason why you fancy him less? Should you have lied, in his opinion? Or should you have just carried on initiating sex and pretending you weren't put off by his weight gain?

Honestly you did him a favour by being honest, maybe this is the wake up call he needs? As much as we claim it is fine to get fat, it actually has many health implications especially if we gain weight just from sitting around snacking on crap.

You're married to him. You should be able to be entirely honest and open with him. You did nothing wrong.

If I were you I'd tell him you're just concerned as you love him, and leave it at that. He'll come around, because he probably knows you're right, and just needs some time to sulk and lick his wounds before he accepts this.

So much for loving the person

Don't feel bad, you are right. He asked you a direct question and got the answer. People should make an effort, not just for themselves, but for their spouses too. I don't subscribe to the concept of 'you should like him for his/her personality'. I don't think sexual attraction can be based solely on the fact you live him. I bet it is lack of effort as much as physical sides that put you off sex.
Of course there can be times of physical changes like normal aging, medical issues causing weight gain, pregnancy related weight gain but generally people shouldn't be surprised of the impact of lack self care on their marriage.
In regards to your husband.. Assure him you love him and it is his body, his choice but you felt it would be unfair to lie to him when he asked you about lack of physical attraction.

He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight.

Sorry, that completely changes this situation. He has absolutely no right to get upset with you for what you said.

None.

It doesn't 'seem' like a double standard, it is a clear and unambiguous double standard, he's unreasonable, you are not unreasonable. End of story.

I think he's clearly in the wrong and, furthermore, I don't think you're to blame for giving him a straight answer to a straight question. But I think his rather extreme reaction suggests that he's in denial about his health. Maybe he sees how hard you work to stay in shape and can't face up to doing the same himself. He does have a double standard and perhaps his denial is partly why.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for anyone to prefer that their partners look after their health and weight within reasonable limits, in fact I think this is entirely natural and normal. If there are medical or other reasons, that's different.

@TeacherJen

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

I can’t actually believe that, in light of this ^^ you’re going to go grovelling and apologising to him.

Please, kindly, get some self-respect.

Are you sure this isn’t just a case of good old going off him? You’re no longer into him, and maybe it’s just time for the two of you to go your separate ways?

He sounds kind of awful.

He made it clear to you that he does not like it when you put on weight. You work at keeping your weight down which is a good idea as you get older. A few years ago he was told that he is pre diabetic, has high cholesterol and he made no changes in his diet. I am sure he has got heavier since then.
So your sex life has gotten poor and he asked you why. You told him what he did not want to hear and he got thick with you. I would not apoligise for what you said to him. The truth is his weight is not attractive and he already has health issues.

I know a man who was given advice to lose weight by a female friend of his a few years ago. She was not a small girl either but she was worried about her health and his long term.
He had a child since then and has gotten even heavier. He now is diebetic, has sleep apnoea and high blood pressure. He will be lucky to see his child reach their teens at this stage as he is a heart attack waiting to happen.

He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight.

Yeah until this post he had my sympathy, I've always been a bit overweight but the last few years I've piled on the weight. Dh has also put on some weight but not half as much as me. I wish he hadn't put on weight, it doesn't suit him and it's not good for him. I bet anything he feels the same about me. We never say it though - he knows I would be utterly devastated if he did and I assume he would feel dreadful if I commented on his. I blame myself as well as I encourage him into bad habits!

My weight gain is absolutely ZERO to do with how I feel about him, zero, nada, zip. Mine is stress and boredom eating (and greed). I absolutely adore him.

Your DH's double standard is breath taking, he sound absolutely revolting and sex pests are the pits. How dare he expect you to remain perfect for him while he piles on weight? He hates chubby women WTF?! Any scrap of sympathy I had for him disappeared in a puff of Cadbury when I read that. I suggest any time he makes a comment about women on TV you start muttering about pots and kettles or less subtly just hold up a mirror and give him a hard stare.

@TeacherJen

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

As another poster said, this is key info. It makes sense of why you perceive his lack of effort as 'not caring', because he makes it clear that he expects you to make an effort not to be a 'chubby woman' (and you put the effort in accordingly).

I think this is something you need to point out when you talk tomorrow. Ask how he'd feel if you stopped making the effort for him!

@TeacherJen

I love my husband to bits. I still find him attractive. We have been together 18 years and have no kids and have, for the most part, enjoyed a reasonably good sex life despite our busy lives.

We have always been faithful and I don’t look at other men but over the last 4-5 years he’s put weight on.

I’ve always been fairly fit and made an effort because - if I’m honest - I’m the wrong side of 40 and I don’t want him to look at younger women and compare me too unfavourably.

For the first year or so of him being a bit overweight I didn’t say anything. I’ve always cooked healthy meals but he snacks a lot. In fairness he does put on weight quite easily.

I am NOT a fat snob and I’m not saying he’s massive but I don’t find him attractive the way I used to and it’s not very arousing for me these days when we are intimate.

I did nag him about his weight for a while (4 years ago) and I accept that was a bad move and I shouldn’t have done it and after that I stopped.

Anyway - we’ve been having sex a lot less often in the last year or so and he keeps bringing it up and saying I never make advances towards him any more - and it’s true - I don’t.

He’s mentioned it so many times over the last year that I finally opened up and told him that I don’t want to hurt him but I find him less physically arousing because he’s let himself go a bit. I don’t recall what exact phrase I used but I tried not to be too harsh but I think I worded it badly and inevitably he wasn’t going to want to hear it but he’s clearly very upset and then got angry.

I feel that he could maybe have made a bit more effort to exercise and not eat so much junk, like I do for him - but he says that’s my choice.

He’s hurt that I said anything and I replied by saying I’m sorry he’s hurt but can’t he also see that for me maybe it doesn’t make me feel too great that he seems to have stopped making an effort and I think he doesn’t care about me.

That was the final straw. He says I’m “insane” and he’s leaving me and that it’s “ludicrous” for me to feel that it shows he doesn’t care about me just because he’s put a few stone on.

I’m sure I have been unreasonable and I am so sorry I have hurt him - but my question is - am I unreasonable to think he could have made a bit more effort and that would have made me feel special and made me want to have sex with him more often? Am I being selfish?

He works fewer hours than I do and I cook a meal every night and have less time than him but still do my best to exercise. Maybe I’m being unrealistic.

Thanks for any input. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I don’t want to embarrass him. He’s a very good man and I do love him - I just didn’t want to keep pretending and making up reasons not to have sex.

I haven't read this whole thread and you do sound like a lovely caring wife so I am not criticising you for saying something at all, what you said was your truth and of course you should try to address it .

However, my first thought when I read your post ( I am the one with a weight problem in my relationship) was that I completely understood your DHs reaction, unreasonable as it seems. If this were me, I'd be thinking there was no future for us either

I know it is unreasonable because obviously physical characteristics play such an important part in attraction by I'd feel.you didn't really love the real me. I would also know that even if I lost weight I'd be unlikely to be able to keep it off ( most people can't) and that would alway be a problem between us. Also I spend my life telling myself internally how unloveable and unattractive I am because I am overweight, having my partner tell me something similar ( however kindly) would be frightening as it would be confirming my worst fears and I'd be really defensive. I'd be scared our relationship was over as in reality I know I will always be overweight.

This may or may not be what your husband thinks but just wanted to share my thoughts from the ' other side'. I really hope you both can work through this and maybe your husband will lose some weight but you honestly need to ask yourself what you will do if he puts the weight in again or what if he decides to start exercising to feel better and to get fitter but he is happy at his current weight and will just aim nor to put on more .

Not read all answers.
YANBU

Why should you have sex with him if you are not attracted to him physically and don't want to?
You're both too young for a life of celibacy also!

Part of a healthy relationship is being able to communicate and express your feelings, have conversations, no matter how difficult they are.

I get how you'd equate his lack of action to not loving you enough. As you were telling him it's important to you but he was not taking action, so to you, that means he didn't care enough to do something that would make you happy.

I do think both people in a relationship should continue to put in effort to a relationship to keep it fresh - date nights, talking, showing each other kind gestures etc so as not to take each other and their relationship for granted. Part of that, if it is important to the couple and many many couples it is important, is to maintain a healthy sexual relationship.

If my DH told me he found me unattractive i would be so upset. But i highly doubt i would be surprised. As I'm sure I'd have already known i had 'let myself go' before he'd told me. BUT I would need to balance my hurt feelings with my partners real feelings of wanting to keep a good physical relationship in our marriage and also look at the real reasons i was struggling - depression, over worked, over whelmed etc.

Loving someone and being physically attracted to someone are two different things and no-one should be made to feel bad that they aren't physically attracted and don't want sex!

Please please please don't start just having sex with him to keep the peace! Can you afford to have marriage counselling?

My personal experience with my exdh - i told him for years, sensitivily, that it was important to me he attempted to eat better as he was constantly eating shit. We discussed it. He never stopped buying and eating the crap. Eventually i just fell out of love with him. I thought i had a low sex drive as i never wanted to have any. It wasn't until i divorced him and started my new relationship to my now DH i realised i don't have a low sex drive - i just had zero desire to have sex with someone who didn't put any value into making an effort to maintain the physical side of our relationship. Now we've divorced guess what - my exdh is doing 5k runs, playing football, going to the gym 😂😂 maybe if he'd put that effort in all those years ago we would still be together!!

And those saying what if you were disabled etc. FGS - that's completely different. He's NOT disabled, so he can make an effort with his diet and excercise.

@TeacherJen

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

Oh well he's a hypocritical wanker then isn't he?

Absolutely yanbu for very key reasons

Personally I do not subscribe to the idea that it's for a partner to keep looking a certain way. Honestly for me real love overrides physical attractiveness and after a reasonable time I personally find it odd to keep in shape for someone else.

However the important thing in my relationship is the rules are the same for both. He has zero right to get upset if he ever says about your weight to you. I get that weight is a thing in your relationship but it must be equal. If he comments on your weight then there is nothing wrong with commenting the same.

He can't have it both ways. For a variety of reasons dp and I have both swung in and out of being overweight, for us we never ever comment , it's a boundary for us.

If he said a damn word about my weight I would consider it perfectly acceptable to do the same.

It's nothing but honest to say you don't mind someone as physically attractive if they've put on a lot of weight and aren't looking after themselves. DH and I were both overweight when we met, me more so but we both wanted and were in the process of losing weight. We both understand the importance of physical attractiveness and how much better we feel ourselves when we are in shape. There's nothing wrong with being honest about that.

@TeacherJen

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

He's sounding worse and worse every post you make He nags you for sex, nags you when you gain a few pounds but gets the hump when you tell him he's gained so much weight you aren't attracted to him any more? What a twat

If your dh doesn’t like chubby women then why does he expect you to like chubby men?
He’s a hypocrite and I suspect he knows that which is why he’s flounced to the spare room.
The UK has the second highest obesity rate in Europe and 90% of diabetics are type 2. Your dh needs to get his head out of the sand.

@Riseholme

If your dh doesn’t like chubby women then why does he expect you to like chubby men? He’s a hypocrite and I suspect he knows that which is why he’s flounced to the spare room. The UK has the second highest obesity rate in Europe and 90% of diabetics are type 2. Your dh needs to get his head out of the sand.

Also he isn’t “chubby”. From the sounds of it - at least in his meaning - chubby means someone who is a perfectly healthy weight but would look better thinner. I would describe me as a bit chubby - I have a BMI of 24.5. I am perfectly healthy but would look hotter in a bikini if I lost a stone.

If he has put on a few stone he is overweight or maybe even obese.