His weight gain, my clumsy approach

[TeacherJen]

I love my husband to bits. I still find him attractive. We have been together 18 years and have no kids and have, for the most part, enjoyed a reasonably good sex life despite our busy lives.

We have always been faithful and I don’t look at other men but over the last 4-5 years he’s put weight on.

I’ve always been fairly fit and made an effort because - if I’m honest - I’m the wrong side of 40 and I don’t want him to look at younger women and compare me too unfavourably.

For the first year or so of him being a bit overweight I didn’t say anything. I’ve always cooked healthy meals but he snacks a lot. In fairness he does put on weight quite easily.

I am NOT a fat snob and I’m not saying he’s massive but I don’t find him attractive the way I used to and it’s not very arousing for me these days when we are intimate.

I did nag him about his weight for a while (4 years ago) and I accept that was a bad move and I shouldn’t have done it and after that I stopped.

Anyway - we’ve been having sex a lot less often in the last year or so and he keeps bringing it up and saying I never make advances towards him any more - and it’s true - I don’t.

He’s mentioned it so many times over the last year that I finally opened up and told him that I don’t want to hurt him but I find him less physically arousing because he’s let himself go a bit. I don’t recall what exact phrase I used but I tried not to be too harsh but I think I worded it badly and inevitably he wasn’t going to want to hear it but he’s clearly very upset and then got angry.

I feel that he could maybe have made a bit more effort to exercise and not eat so much junk, like I do for him - but he says that’s my choice.

He’s hurt that I said anything and I replied by saying I’m sorry he’s hurt but can’t he also see that for me maybe it doesn’t make me feel too great that he seems to have stopped making an effort and I think he doesn’t care about me.

That was the final straw. He says I’m “insane” and he’s leaving me and that it’s “ludicrous” for me to feel that it shows he doesn’t care about me just because he’s put a few stone on.

I’m sure I have been unreasonable and I am so sorry I have hurt him - but my question is - am I unreasonable to think he could have made a bit more effort and that would have made me feel special and made me want to have sex with him more often? Am I being selfish?

He works fewer hours than I do and I cook a meal every night and have less time than him but still do my best to exercise. Maybe I’m being unrealistic.

Thanks for any input. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I don’t want to embarrass him. He’s a very good man and I do love him - I just didn’t want to keep pretending and making up reasons not to have sex.

If you still find your husband attractive, why does his weight gain bother you enough to interfere with you wanting to have sex with him?

Just to add, his nagging and berating you about lack of sex/initiation is absolutely not on. You're allowed to not want sex for any reason, it isn't okay at all for him to get angry and have a go at you for it.

I would say your husband probably had an idea what the issue was with your declining interest in him and that's why he pushed it.
You've been together a long time so he can't be unaware of your attitude to weight/fitness in general.
I don't think his weight has anything to do with his feelings for you.
But equally if you don't fancy him overweight then you don't, the body wants what the body wants.
I hope you can convey clearly to him that you love him regardless of his weight.
He did jump very quickly to leaving the relationship though, has the lack of sex also been a symptom of you drifting apart or was he just lashing out hurt?

You feel how you feel re attractiveness. And you told him as kindly as you could because he wanted to know why you didn’t want sex. This big is reasonable. It’s not true everyone woulda think it was unreasonable if your sexes were reversed, you can’t make yourself fancy someone

You also told him that the fact he’s put on weight means he doesn’t care about you. This is unreasonable. People put on weight for all sorts of reasons - they just like food, they use it to regulate their emotions, they are unhappy, depressed or stuck, etc. Whatever it is for him it’s not you - it’s arrogant to think that.

Both the reasonable and unreasonable bits of this will be hurtful to him, so let him take some space. Tell him you love him, don’t want to loose him, and would like to talk when he’s ready.

When you do talk, you can explain the attraction this is just how you feel - you do not mean you aren’t attracted to him, just less attracted, and the amount you love him has not changed.

And see where you go from there. There is obviously a physical health factor to all this, but don’t try and flip the conversation to that at this stage as it will ring false. You could however ask questions to bring out what he feels about it.

How much weight gain are we talking?

Where's he getting the snacky food from is he a secret shopper like my friends OH ??

I've always been of the opinion on these boards that husband to wife or wife to husband, you should be allowed to say you're putting on weight and I'd like you to lose some, as long as it's said kindly. I'm very overweight and I don't know why we namby-pamby around it.

Of course, their response might not be one you want to hear but that's the risk you take.

And I don't agree with manipulation....if you loved me, you'd lose the weight. Because that's taking it to another level. It won't help them to lose weight and they'll feel under attack.

It was a reaction to the nagging about sex.

Has he apologised to you about pestering you for sex? If not why not? He can’t have it both ways, he asked you why youre having less sex, you answered him honestly because HE KEEPS NAGGING you. Can he see that it’s all connected?

I actually feel he’s so angry because he knows he needs to sort his eating out and he realises it’s a hard thing to do.

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

Stop apologising. You told him the truth which is what he was asking for. He’s not apologising for either nagging you for sex or throwing a massive tantrum when you told him why don’t want to do it as much as you used to.

You’ve had some interesting replies. Usually a man pestering woman for sex is called an abusive arsehole and she’s told to LTB immediately. But because the issue is his weight people are falling over themselves to make him the victim and you a shallow cow. You’re not. At all.

And I know what you mean about being your best selves physically for each other as much as yourselves. MN is bat shit about weight. Apparently gaining loads only affects the person doing it and it has no impact on anyone else around them. When of course it does.

He’s the one who’s changed, you’re not obliged to feel the same. You haven’t said you don’t love him but you don’t fancy him as much and that’s fair enough. It’s not shallow at all.

On MN no one is owed sex unless they’re overweight and their feelings matter more than the person they want to be shagging. Very weird.

Thank you. Yes you’re right it was a reaction the nagging but I still feel like a shallow person for saying the truth. I don’t find him unattractive I just find him less attractive and I regret saying so now.

@TeacherJen

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

This would have been pertinent information to include in your first post tbh OP! In this case (if he criticises your weight gain and overweight people in general) he's being a hypocritical dickhead with a rather large dollop of misogyny - holding women to a different 'standard', for want of a better word, than men.

If my DH wanted to know why I'd gone off sex and kept nagging me about it, I think I'd be honest as well OP. You were asked directly - what were you meant to say?

I sometimes think posters on here aren't berating you for what you said, but for feeling that way in the first place. In fact that may be a thing in real life too - people pick you up on the words used when really they're angry about the content.

Anyway. He sounds like he can dish out judgement on your body but can't take you having an opinion on his. That's not great.

To be fair the initial op only says he keeps asking why you've stopped initiating sex, not that he's pestering you for sex or nagging you about it. And zero mention about his comments on your weight so those are almighty drip feeds and fair enough he's an arsehole. But he seems unlikely to lose the weight and was an arsehole before he gained weight so you're probably as well without.

Thank you. I’m not trying to be mean about his weight but two years ago he started having blackouts. They did blood tests and he was “pre-diabetic” and they told him he had high cholesterol so there’s the health worry too. He cut a lot of sugar out for about 4 weeks and then went back to his old habits and just insists I buy those benecol cholesterol reducing milk drinks which I don’t think is any solution unless he eats better.

He wanted to know why you didn't want sex as much, and you told him honestly. You deserve credit for being brave and honestly answering him, not a telling off because you dared to mention his weight.
And we're told that you should never have sex that you don't want. Well, for many of us, body shape does affect how attracted we are to someone, and it also affects the mechanics of sex. So if weight gain means you find someone less attractive and go off sex with them, what are you supposed to do? Force yourself to have sex when you don't really want to? I'm with @moonbedazzled on this - being namby pamby about it doesn't help anyone.
I'd say exactly the same if OP was a man. I've seen close friends have their marriage fall part because of this mantra that you can't mention if your partner's weight gain means you're going off them sexually. At least if this is mentioned sooner rather than later, the person who's gaining weight can seek help sooner if they choose to.

Sorry I was a bit nervous about posting and felt it was probably too long and rambling so I’ve probably missed out some key details.

He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him.

Omfg! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I repeat what I said in my earlier post….your husband is not a good man AT ALL! He’s a hypocrite, a nag and a bit of a sex pest too by the sounds of it. Stop feeling sorry for him!

Great post @AnneLovesGilbert- On MN no one is owed sex unless they’re overweight and their feelings matter more than the person they want to be shagging.
Spot on!

He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight

I didn't think you were in the wrong anyway but I've just lost all sympathy for the greedy, hypocritical sex pest.

@TeacherJen

My self perceived effort is harsh. I work very hard to stay in shape. He comments when I put on weight even a tiny bit so it’s clearly important to him. He hates “chubby women” and makes comments about women on tv who are overweight. It seems such a double standard.

Op! This is quite key info.

In this case the man is a sexist dickhead, and you were perfectly reasonable on both counts. Be robust in the morning (sadly for you I doubt that he’ll leave.. but perhaps you could encourage it?)

Reverse?

@TeacherJen

Thank you. I’m not trying to be mean about his weight but two years ago he started having blackouts. They did blood tests and he was “pre-diabetic” and they told him he had high cholesterol so there’s the health worry too. He cut a lot of sugar out for about 4 weeks and then went back to his old habits and just insists I buy those benecol cholesterol reducing milk drinks which I don’t think is any solution unless he eats better.

Also key info to have missed out.

I think you can safely ignore any critical posts from earlier, and focus on shoving Mr Lardy out the door

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

To be fair the initial op only says he keeps asking why you've stopped initiating sex, not that he's pestering you for sex or nagging you about it. And zero mention about his comments on your weight so those are almighty drip feeds and fair enough he's an arsehole. But he seems unlikely to lose the weight and was an arsehole before he gained weight so you're probably as well without.

Yes this!!

It’s not unreasonable to stop finding someone attractive because they’ve put on weight (yes, it’s fatphobic and probably to do with internalised ideas of fat being bad but we can’t help who we’re attracted to). I don’t think men who stop fancying their wives if they get fat are unreasonable either. My partner was chubby and unfashionable before we got together and honestly if we met when he looked like that, or he put the weight on again, there is no way I’d be attracted to him. I wouldn’t expect anyone to keep fancying me if I put a lot of weight on either.

That said - thinking it’s a reflection of how much he cares about you is ridiculous. I am getting a bit bigger than I used to be but despite fully expecting my partner to go off me physically if I became too fat, it wouldn’t enter my head to lose weight solely for him. It’s for me, because I want to look and feel better. It has no correlation to how I feel about him, despite me feeling that it would be justified for him to stop fancying me if I became too big.

However, you said he also comments if you put on weight so he’s a massive hypocrite and basically can fuck off.