Partner has said he doesn't want to be with me during and argument 3 times now

[iloveflowers2021]

So, I've recently had a baby, well 1 year ago. I've solely breast fed and I've not left my baby and as much as this is my choice (as I know it's not forever) I just want to savour every moment before I have to go back to FT work. I have obviously been sleep deprived, hormones all over the shop and genuinely feel like my partner should help more (I get he works really hard) but I'm sick of having to ask him to help. Its his child too.

We had a big argument last night (well, a very short not very loud one as we don't like to do that in front of our baby) I admittedly got frustrated and slammed the bedroom door. He then made a spiteful comment about how I wouldn't be so stressed if I did things properly. Bearing in mind I do EVERYTHING! All he has to do is come home and play with our son when he gets home (surely that's not a chore) but it gives me time to get some things done.

I'm not saying he's bad, but he just doesn't seem to have any empathy for how hard (but obviously rewarding) it is. I try to explain my anxiety's about going back to work and he just dismisses them. He just doesn't get it!

Anyway, last night for the 3rd time he said he's had enough, doesn't know why he's stayed with me this long and doesn't love me or our son.

I am just so fed up of no longer communicating like adults and being a team. It's a constant battle.

IF he wants to leave, then what can I do? I earn well, but have accumulated a bit of debt as wanted to have a longer time off work and so now I just don't know how I'd afford to keep the house, pay childcare and just generally live. I know I would survive, but it's daunting. Where would I even start! I don't want to sell our home, but not sure if I would be approved to take on all the mortgage. It's not a huge mortgage thankfully, but with the debt I've accumulated I'm a bit screwed.

I just feel like he's made a decision and I have no choice.

He's still here, but in another room playing with the baby. Its just an awkward atmosphere!

Xx

Call him out and tell him to pack and go. He is playing mind-games. What does he really contribute your and dc life? How did the debts appear, was he paying anything towards your household while you looked after your joint child. Let him go and claim CMS.

I agree call his bluff , he'll either leave or he'll change his ways . If someone told me I don't love you or our son once I'd be devastated but someone who says this again and again and doesn't leave is using it as a weapon to get you to change.

Tell him you agree with him, it's not working. Ask him to leave and see what his reaction is, I'd definitely call his bluff xx

Anyway, last night for the 3rd time he said he's had enough, doesn't know why he's stayed with me this long and doesn't love me or our son.

Whatever the obstacles you can’t stay with someone who says that. You need a plan to separate asap.

Have you accumulated debt because you've had to pay half of everything still or because you have no access to cash?

Third calling him out. Sit him down and ask him how he wants to work it. You presume he's happy to go as you have the baby and baby's needs matter most. Does he want to go through CMS or come to a private arrangement? What custody does he want? Is he expecting 50/50?

Wow what a prince among men! Totally agree with the other posters. He's using this as a way to control you into 'behaving'.

I'd be pulling the rug swiftly from his feet, by telling him to fuck off then if he feels like that. I'd also make it patently clear that he won't be riding off into the sunset with no responsibilities. He's your DCs father and therefore you're expecting him to parent 50\50, costs and time.

Then leave him with his DC whilst you have a weekend off. If that doesn't teach him to stop behaving like an utter shit, nothing will and you need to be ready.

He said he doesn’t love his own son? How disgusting. One thing to fall out of love with a partner but to say that about your own child is comprehensible. I’m sorry OP.

Let him fucking go, he sounds like a dick.

Jesus, saying he doesn't love you is bad enough, saying he doesn't love your son is unforgiveable. I don't think I'd ever be able to get over that.

Thank you everyone!

Totally agree to call his bluff. Without me he wouldn't have been able to grow his business have the house he has and now when I need him the most, he behaves like this.

He clearly hasn't thought any of it through, but what annoys me is, he thinks he can say these things and I'm just going to take it. I've always been super independent and financially sound, but I've lost a lot of that since being on leave.

He paid the mortgage and bills for 4 months, but I paid half of everything for 8 months including everything for our baby - clothes, food, well everything! My savings dwindled as I hadn't really expected to pay out as much as I have!

I have an expensive engagement ring and necklace he bought, so worse case I could sell those!

I just don't have the fight in me. Our child is the priority now.

@iloveflowers2021 just to have another perspective op because you seem to mention the DC a lot being priority etc, do you and DH get any time together?

If the baby is 1 have you left the baby yet so yourself and DH can have adult time?

I understand its hard leaving your baby with someone else I am exactly the same but found DH and I started arguing a lot and it was because I was always putting the DC first, I also do everything at home and it gets frustrating!

@Hmum0fthree

Totally agree with what you're saying. The thing is, I knew that when I took the time off I would be the way I am. I also knew that when my DS went to nursery I wouldn't rush back to work, I'd take another 6 weeks out, to 1. Settle him in properly so when I do go back to work, he's hopefully happy and content at nursery and 2. That time would also be used so my partner and i could have some lunches together etc.

We also have some things planned on holiday with our families, so they can have him for a few hours so we can spend some time together. It's just right now as work is looming I want to just enjoy what's left you know? Xx

I don't think there's any coming back from someone saying they don't love you or their child.

Either they really don't, in which case they should fuck off, or they do (in their own way) but are saying they don't because it is the most hurtful and cruel thing they can think of, the thing that will cut you deepest. In which case they should fuck off.

@WouldIwasShookspeared yep!!! Absolutely pathetic isn't it??

I've told him to in your words F off and now he's being all sorry and a creep. I am not budging and have said there is only so much someone can take and he's now pushed me too far.

I will be able to do it on my own. I'll find a way to keep the house.

It's sad, but rather this than be with someone who can say that.

If he doesn’t love you then there isn’t any coming back from that. The relationship is over.

Have you allowed him to have and build a proper relationship with his child? Bear in mind that once you split, you will potentially be missing out on 50% of the time with your child. Make sure you have plenty support around you because after a year of choosing not to leave your baby, it will feel very hard for you.

@TheSnowyOwl yes, agreed.

There is so much to process, but 50/50 will definitely be off the cards for a while. His business is doing really well, but that means a lot of time working. Obviously that will change over time.

I give him so much opportunity to be with his son. When he gets home I leave them to play, suggest he baths and reads to him, feed him dinner etc.

Saying he doesnt love your son is unforgivable.

As for doing it alone you absolutely can do it. I became a single mum when dd was 2 weeks old, I had to fund the rent through SMP and benefits until I got a job (was made redundant on mat leave) and had no support at all from her dad. It wasnt easy but you do what you have to do for you and your child even if it means things arent perfect for a while.

I totally understand feeling vulnerable, after having a baby and also worrying about what what’s going to happen next.
You said he’s not giving you a choice but you absolutely have a choice to decide what is best for you and your child. Fingers crossed for you with everything!

He said he doesn't love his own baby?

I couldn't forgive him for saying that, how truly awful of him!

Thank you everyone. I needed this.

He's gone. Tears and saying sorry! Nope. Too little too late. I feel relieved.

I have a load of shares I can sell which will massively help and then I'll look to buy him out once I'm back at work.

Why do I feel so confident all of a sudden? WOW!

@iloveflowers2021

Thank you everyone!

Totally agree to call his bluff. Without me he wouldn't have been able to grow his business have the house he has and now when I need him the most, he behaves like this.

He clearly hasn't thought any of it through, but what annoys me is, he thinks he can say these things and I'm just going to take it. I've always been super independent and financially sound, but I've lost a lot of that since being on leave.

He paid the mortgage and bills for 4 months, but I paid half of everything for 8 months including everything for our baby - clothes, food, well everything! My savings dwindled as I hadn't really expected to pay out as much as I have!

I have an expensive engagement ring and necklace he bought, so worse case I could sell those!

I just don't have the fight in me. Our child is the priority now.

Why hasn't he gone halves or more for buying things for the baby?

Who's the higher earner? And can he hide his earnings if you split?

Well done OP. Good job standing up for yourself and your baby, you should feel confident.

You got this!

@Nanny0gg

I was the bigger earner for some time as he was growing his business, now it's absolutely flourished he is now earning a lot more than me.

He used to ask me to tell him how much he "owed" me, but why just not put the money in the joint account as a lump and so it all comes out of one pot. I got sick of having to ask!

Mmmm he potentially can hide his earnings, yes. Although, I don't think he would!