Partner has said he doesn't want to be with me during and argument 3 times now

[iloveflowers2021]

So, I've recently had a baby, well 1 year ago. I've solely breast fed and I've not left my baby and as much as this is my choice (as I know it's not forever) I just want to savour every moment before I have to go back to FT work. I have obviously been sleep deprived, hormones all over the shop and genuinely feel like my partner should help more (I get he works really hard) but I'm sick of having to ask him to help. Its his child too.

We had a big argument last night (well, a very short not very loud one as we don't like to do that in front of our baby) I admittedly got frustrated and slammed the bedroom door. He then made a spiteful comment about how I wouldn't be so stressed if I did things properly. Bearing in mind I do EVERYTHING! All he has to do is come home and play with our son when he gets home (surely that's not a chore) but it gives me time to get some things done.

I'm not saying he's bad, but he just doesn't seem to have any empathy for how hard (but obviously rewarding) it is. I try to explain my anxiety's about going back to work and he just dismisses them. He just doesn't get it!

Anyway, last night for the 3rd time he said he's had enough, doesn't know why he's stayed with me this long and doesn't love me or our son.

I am just so fed up of no longer communicating like adults and being a team. It's a constant battle.

IF he wants to leave, then what can I do? I earn well, but have accumulated a bit of debt as wanted to have a longer time off work and so now I just don't know how I'd afford to keep the house, pay childcare and just generally live. I know I would survive, but it's daunting. Where would I even start! I don't want to sell our home, but not sure if I would be approved to take on all the mortgage. It's not a huge mortgage thankfully, but with the debt I've accumulated I'm a bit screwed.

I just feel like he's made a decision and I have no choice.

He's still here, but in another room playing with the baby. Its just an awkward atmosphere!

Xx

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese thank you! 🙌🏻❤️

Well you've decided now so it's onwards alone . You will need to formalise sharing your baby with him to save arguments. So next week look into doing that. Plus sort out finances.

However, I do despair when women kick their partner to the kerb in favour of their new baby. Which you knew you would do as you said in another post.

What happened to date nights, both parents making an effort to hang onto their relationship.

So you've had a first year of your son, which is always hard and exhausting, barely let him out of your sight, which is also hard and exhausting for you and the father, you're having a couple of rows where people say horrible things sometimes to each other, you check it out on a forum of randoms and now its over?

And thats it

No work, no talking it through.

You say he's now being a 'creep', perhaps he didnt mean it and like a lot of people they say horrible things which they cant believe they said and is regretful of that.

I’ve never accidentally said I didn’t love my husband is child, never mind 3 times in quick succession. Struggling to see how someone would tbh. No one is obliged to put up with this behaviour. Some things don’t get better with talking - someone being intentionally cruel and hateful to a new mum is one of them.

@bellac11 @justasking111 ridiculous comments

Yes, far better for everyone involved if OP continues to let her partner treat her like shit. Tell her he doesn't love her or their baby.

Swallow it all and say nothing so you can hang on to your man and not rock the boat.

It's not the bloody 50s.

Certainly ridiculous to put words in my mouth, I didnt say that she should swallow it and put up with it, but a lot of people say hateful things during a row, its a row, sometimes it happens

Talking things through and seeing if a relationship can work is not putting up with it or letting someone be treated like shit. Is she not interested in why he might be unhappy or what contributions they both need to make to each other for the sake of their child?

If I'm unhappy with my partner I talk to my them like they're a person worthy of respect. Especially as I chose to have a child with them

I don't lash out and say hateful things intended to hurt them. Even in a row. Because I love them. Even when we argue.

The OP is entitled to that level of respect. Her partners inability to behave like a grownup shouldn't be her burden to carry.

I'm sure if he approached her respectfully they could work out any issues.

He's not doing that though is he

I don’t have much to add but just want to say, even though I don’t know you, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! Proud you stood up for yourself. Proud you stood up for your son. And proud you knew your worth.

My Grandmother always used to say “everything will be alright in the end” and I truly believe that. It may be tough at the beginning but it’ll all be alright in the end. You deserve better x

@trollhunter22

If I'm unhappy with my partner I talk to my them like they're a person worthy of respect. Especially as I chose to have a child with them

I don't lash out and say hateful things intended to hurt them. Even in a row. Because I love them. Even when we argue.

The OP is entitled to that level of respect. Her partners inability to behave like a grownup shouldn't be her burden to carry.

I'm sure if he approached her respectfully they could work out any issues.

He's not doing that though is he

All well and good except you have no idea of the OP's behaviour during rows, people tend to be with like people, perhaps she says things she later regrets too. No one is perfect, its what happens next that is the issue.

Having a partner who says they don’t love you even in the heat of the moment just doesn’t feel like a safe position to be in. You and your son are very vulnerable. We all get angry and say stupid things, but that just feels like a step too far.

If my partner said he didn't love me or our child in the context of an argument, I'm not sure I could come back from that.

OP and partner will both now have the headspace to see if they actually DO want to be together or not.

It sounds like OP doesn't really want to be with him regardless. Nowhere in her posts is she talking about feeling devastated and hurt, just pissed off.

I very much doubt the OP is telling her partner she doesn't love THEIR baby.

Regardless of what he says/she says. That is an innocent baby for heavens sake

If my partner told me they didn't love our child it would be final. There would be no return after that.

I’m sorry I think he’s absolutely telling the truth when he’s angry people do that and then they backtrack when they realise what the implications of that truth after that cushy little life. If he doesn’t mean it and he is remorseful well he can date to the OP and their baby and he can win both of their love and trust back over a period of time cant he ?

Don't stay with, or let your child ever be near, an angry man who says he does not love him. For a father to say that of his child is unnatural.

Relationships break down. Yours has. He's ended it. Few ever say they do not love their children.

Stop 'fighting' and talking with him. You do not owe him any more words or communication. Pack, and go to safety.

Or boot him out.

Saying that about your son is utterly unforgivable, and only shows he intends to be a manipulative bully going forward.

Mmmm he potentially can hide his earnings, yes. Although, I don't think he would!

I don't know him, but from his actions so far, I wouldn't be so sure. If there is paperwork around, get it copied while you can.

Anyway, last night for the 3rd time he said he's had enough, doesn't know why he's stayed with me this long and doesn't love me or our son.

I don’t think that’s something you can come back from when he has said it 3 times!

@justasking111

Well you've decided now so it's onwards alone . You will need to formalise sharing your baby with him to save arguments. So next week look into doing that. Plus sort out finances.

However, I do despair when women kick their partner to the kerb in favour of their new baby. Which you knew you would do as you said in another post.

What happened to date nights, both parents making an effort to hang onto their relationship.

I despair when men think going to work is the only input they need to provide for their family, and everything else including half the costs is their partners problem. I wouldn’t mind if divorces had a clause where if a woman entered into debt on maternity leave and the man didn’t that the debt transferred to him. Half because it should be shared and the rest because he’s a fucker. (Obviously wouldn’t be appropriate 100% of the time, not all debt is necessary spending blah blah)

Bloody hell. A man repeatedly shouts that he doesn't love his partner and he doesn't love his child and she's actually advised to do date nights and make more effort and think about how tough things might be for him and accept people say awful things?

And we wonder why so many women are in shitty or abusive relationships.

And nobody. Ever. In the history of Mumsnet has ever left a happy respectful relationship because internet randoms told them to. By the time someone reaches the point they're posting asking strangers for support they have already tried everything and are deeply unhappy.

I would hope that every mother would prioritise their baby over a man who says he doesn't love their baby.

Oh, you don't love your 1 year old child or me and you don't want to be with me? I'm so sorry about that. Let's go out to dinner and a movie then I'll give you a blow job and make you feel super special again. 🙄

@WouldIwasShookspeared thank you so much for this. You've hit the nail on the head with every point!

Gosh, I've just read all of the posts. I understand everyone's opinions, but obviously I've not made some rash decision based on a few arguments. The lack of respect, empathy and love he has shown towards me is more than just a few arguments where we say things in the heat of the moment. When you have a child your life changes and he's shocked me as to how he's been. I never expected him to be like this. I've tried to sit down with him on numerous occasions to try and understand what's going on? Is he stressed? Is the business putting too much pressure on him? I've really tried to support him and it's just like banging my head against a brick wall. This life is perhaps something he doesn't want? I don't know and if someone won't talk to me, what can I do? I feel like I've tried. I can't do it anymore. I don't want a life like that for my baby! He will be better off both parents being happy apart. What's worse? Staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of a child who's going to be brought up in a hostile environment.

Tell him “off you fuck then oh and don’t expect your son to want contact with you when he’s older either “ another crap dad here who moan his son never sees him or has time for him when he’s older.

@user772263 thank you so much xx

Oh, God, I LOATHE the glee with which MNers latch onto marriages breaking down and egg people on to make huge disturbances when they are sleep deprived and coping with one of life's biggest challenges. Like tricoteuses at the guillotine lapping up other people's misery and destruction.

OP, you might choose to separate but it's not the only option. Take a breath, and ask your husband to as well. Have a grown up discussion about how both your emotions are skewed by exhaustion and the upheaval of a baby, by hormone changes for you and responsibility changes for him. It's an enormous strain on every marriage. Don't the two of you want to work through it like adults and come out the other side instead of petulantly slamming doors and threatening to leave like sulky teenagers?

He needs to acknowledge that what looks like doing nothing (sitting feeding) is exhausting. if he sat giving blood all day long he wouldn;t expect others to snap at him for not scampering around doing what he normally does.

You both have to accept the changes, be forgiving and humorous and thankful for what you have - your new baby.

Him saying he doesn't love either of you is very worrying but that doesn't mean it's true. It could mean he has some symptoms of PND which fathers can het too, and it;s worth addressing before you split the family up.

Spend some time reminding each other of why you married, what you love about each other, what you hoped to achieve as parents, long term, as a family long term and as a couple. It is possible to work through the bad times instead of assuming there should never be any.

hes a loser. ltb