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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think husband should go on Sunday instead?

77 replies

feweekstogo · 11/03/2022 08:45

OH has to travel down to London to collect some things for work, he's able to collect from
Tomorrow he could just go on his own on Sunday when tickets are at the cheapest and come straight back.

However his friend is working all weekend so OH has told him that they will go on Monday instead when his mate is off work so they can "make a day off it"

Im 37 weeks pregnant and have SPD so OH has been around to help me with majority of the school runs to be honest so I am dreading this on my own. I also have a midwife appointment at 12 and have to picked DD up from nursery at 11:45 so I have 15 minutes to get there and we are not supposed to bring kids to antenatal appointments.

AIBU to expect him to go on Sunday? And not on a Monday when I need his help the most.

I can appreciate he probably wants to have a bit of fun but it's putting me in a rubbish situation.

OP posts:

Somethingsnappy · 11/03/2022 11:39

Honestly, I think all of our responses and opinions are a bit pointless really. If you need him, you need him and only you know if it is absolutely necessary or not. It's not up to him to decide if 'you will manage'; you're the only one who can answer that. Why don't you go for a walk together up the hill to see how you feel on Saturday, and also try doing the lifting into the car seat. If you can manage, then he could probably go, but if you feel it really is too much of a struggle, the only answer is for him to help you x

Riseholme · 11/03/2022 11:42

You could keep the little one off nursery and wouldn't be in such a rush ( or send her to London with her dad).

SantaCarlaCalifornia · 11/03/2022 11:48

YANBU at all. He should not be going for a day out while you need help. It's not as if you can just drop everything and take a day off from the pain of SPD, is it? Is being selfish one of his usual qualities or is it a one-off?

I'd be telling him that you won't be able to cope and he needs to listen and put you and the kids first. If he doesn't understand that you've got bigger problems than just this one day.

ANUsernam · 11/03/2022 11:51

"He deserves a break" when does OP het a break, from the pain, fatigue and physical incapacitation from growing THEIR child?

Besides which, OP isn't saying he can't have a break. She's saying he can't have THIS time off. Why is it her responsibility to find alternative care? OP has a midwife appointment, he's going to have fun. Her commitment was made first AND takes priority in importance so either HE can find alternative care or he rearranges his plans.

Underfrighter · 11/03/2022 11:51

I had SPD and it was fucking horrible, I thankfully only had it the first time not the second when I had a toddler to look after but I wouldnt have managed. I had to get help getting in and out of the car, I could barely walk more than a few metres etc, no way I could have done a school run.

I think its shit, can you imagine him being in the pain you're in, and you just nipping off on a trip you don't need to go on, him saying he was worried about how he would manage with the pain and hauling kids about, and you just responding 'it's only a day, I'm sure you'll manage!' and going off to have fun? I wouldn't

Underfrighter · 11/03/2022 11:52

I'd also tell him it clashes with your appointment so if he insists on going he will have to sort out alternative arrangements for pick up for your child. If he struggles just tell him he will manage

Crunchymum · 11/03/2022 11:55

Can they catch a later train so your DP can drop DS and then go?

You can keep DD off nursery to save the stress if collecting her and rushing to the appointment.

Not ideal but workarounds if you aren't going to ask him not to go (which is what I would do in your circumstances!!)

Faevern · 11/03/2022 11:55

So many suggestions of what the OP can do do accommodate her DH. Why? He already has a solution to accommodate her, she doesn't need to compromise further. A heavily pregnant wife, and her needs, trumps a mate date.

CaptSkippy · 11/03/2022 12:02

@Broads93

He deserves a break. If the gender roles were switched here the guy would be called all the names under the sun for not letting the mother have a day off.

I call BS on this.

Let's the reverse the roles and see:
Husband is struggling physically, has a doctor's appointment that day and also had to rush to pick up children from school/nursery. Wife decides she wants that particular day off leaving him to struggle with the kids and getting to the doctor by himself.

I am fairly certain she'd be judged worse than the man in this thread.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 11/03/2022 12:12

Fuck it.
I'd give the kids a day in front of the telly and wouldn't go out.
He can sort their tea, bath and bedtime when he gets back.

But then my DH hoovered up cat piss and let me walk in it and get it on my trousers (it splashed when I picked the tray up) then when clearing some space in the garage I got handed a leaking bottle of dettol spray.

🤬 He also keeps mentioning my birthday tomorrow - not that I'll get a card or gift -- just to point out how old I am. It's our WA too, and at this rate it will be the last one.

PuppyMonkey · 11/03/2022 12:19

@Broads93

He deserves a break. If the gender roles were switched here the guy would be called all the names under the sun for not letting the mother have a day off.

Lol. Good one.

Gottamakesense · 11/03/2022 12:19

@Franca123

I think if a woman is 37 weeks pregnant and has SPD and is saying she can't cope with the plan on Monday, we should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her that she can't cope.

I 100% agree.

inthehammock · 11/03/2022 12:20

OP, YANBU and I think the only thing to do is tell him you cannot do this Monday without him and he'll need to have his "day of it" another time. You can't take the child to your (very important) midwife appointment so that alone is reason enough. But moreover you should not have to struggle with SPD just so he can have a day of fun. I had utterly crippling SPD in both pregnancies and was on crutches by 22 weeks with the second, I couldn't move without being in excruciating pain and in fact just existing was agony. I was in tears most days because I was in so much pain and felt so frustrated that even basic tasks were beyond me - I am a capable doer but my DH had to do a lot for me and our older DC. Honestly my joy in the youngest being born was probably equal measure delight at meeting the baby and knowing I no longer had a baby's head rammed into my pelvis! I don't think those saying you should suck it up know how bad it can be. I had to chase after older DC at six months pregnant and spent two days in bed recuperating from the damage I'd done to my pelvis, managing Monday in your own could be very bad for you. Why should you have to do all this alone, when it's utterly avoidable?

Babynames2 · 11/03/2022 12:26

YANBU. I had SPD in all my pregnancies and having to do the school runs at this stage when pregnant with my third was horrible. I couldn’t do anything by the evening as I was in so much pain. Explain to him exactly how bad it is and that it clashes with your midwife appointment, honestly if he’s still going I would keep the kids off and tell him it’s because you physically aren’t able to do it. I don’t think that you can understand how painful SPD is until you’ve had it, even turning over in bed is painful.

SeaToSki · 11/03/2022 12:37

So firstly I think you should say you cant manage without him on a school day

If he absolutely has to go, can he wait until after your midwife appointment and go then? Can you pick up your eldest by parking and asking another mother to walk him down to the car?

mycatisannoying · 11/03/2022 12:39

YABU.

Sapphire387 · 11/03/2022 13:02

YANBU. He thinks you should struggle with crippling pain so he can go off on a jolly? What kind of partner is he? Awful.

mamas12 · 11/03/2022 13:06

He is dismissing you
I think you need to tell him to organise childcare that he can’t do now as he won’t be there
Please don’t put your health at risk for his ‘pleasure trip’

VainAbigail · 11/03/2022 13:17

I don't think yabu but that's because I come first

Do you? There are 8 people in my household and no one “comes first”! We are all equal!

wearingtheT · 11/03/2022 13:27

I would give him my blessing, move the appointment and have a TV day.

ChoiceMummy · 11/03/2022 13:50

I can not believe some of these responses. You are 37 weeks pregnant - I gave birth at 36.4 weeks - he should not be making a day of anything at the moment and needs to around to help you

I disagree.
The op has another 5 weeks in which she could give birth. He shouldn't have to give up everything just in case, as long as he's not the sort of person to get paraletic when making a day of it.

It's no different whether he goes Sunday or Monday with regards the op being 37 weeks pregnant!

The op presumably could mitigate some of this by not sending the child to nursery if such an issue. She's not wanting to at this stage. That's a choice as well.

Twiceover · 11/03/2022 13:51

I can not believe some of these responses. You are 37 weeks pregnant - I gave birth at 36.4 weeks - he should not be making a day of anything at the moment and needs to around to help you.

This. Doing the school and nursery runs and going to the appt on your own with toddler sounds really difficult with spd at 37 weeks. He should help you. Why wouldn't he?

balalake · 11/03/2022 13:57

I'd start by questioning the 'need' to collect things at all, and if really genuine, then Sunday is the sensible option.

CharlotteRose90 · 11/03/2022 14:02

Nope he’s a dickhead. He needs to go Sunday and come home Sunday. He can have a lads day when baby is here. You shouldn’t be lifting kids in and out of the car in your condition or a strenuous walk up a hill. Hes inconsiderate and awful to even consider it.

WouldBeGood · 11/03/2022 16:46

But on MN a lads’ day is definitely not permitted when you have a new baby 🤷🏻‍♀️

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