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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

75 replies

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:10

There’s a really big back story here that I won’t get into, because I just want some support with this isolated situation.

DH and I had a disagreement last night. It sounds ridiculous and really it is. So he was at the sink washing dishes and I needed a utensil that he had. He said he’d wash it and give it to me as soon as he’d rinsed it off. A minute later, he went to the bathroom and I popped my head out the kitchen and asked if it had been rinsed off yet (was sitting next to the sink). He said “I’m just blowing my nose, wait and I’ll sort it in a minute.” Thinking I might as well just go and sort it myself, I said “awww it’s okay, you’ll still need to wash your hands”. Then went to the kitchen. DH was really cross with this instantly. I shouldn’t be telling him when he needs to wash his hands. I explained that’s not what I meant, I just meant that he’ll be a minute so I’ll just go and clean it myself. Apparently the way I treat him is not okay. Im slightly OCD and hand washing is a big one for me. So I have from time to time checked he’s washed his hands if he’s making me food. I know that’s wrong of me and I’m improving and still working on that. He was getting more and more upset so I kept explaining that I didn’t mean it in the way he thought i did. This didnt appease him so i said let’s just drop it. He said “no I won’t just drop it thanks!” And continued going on as I took DD(8) upstairs.

Then DH came up and I found DD upset in her bedroom telling me she doesn’t like us arguing. I consoled her and then asked DH to come up and talk to her. He said he was too upset to. I explained that his 8 year old daughter’s feelings were priority.

I chatted to DD in front of DH and then left them to chat. DD came out the room saying daddy said he was too upset to talk to her about it. He then came and found her 15mins later and had a chat to her.

I’ve just found out that during that chat, she said “daddy, you look like you’re about to cry.” He said “I’m just so upset with your mum right now.”

I’m really upset by this. In my opinion, this is totally the wrong thing to say to her. She’s only 8 fgs and was upset herself already. It’s not fair to put that on her.

I’ve told DH how I feel about what he said and he thinks this shows that I don’t care about his feelings!

I’m literally so confused here. I don’t know what I’ve done that is so bad that I deserve this backlash. What was so bad that he felt he was so upset with me and needed to share that with our daughter. He says that arguments happen occasionally and that DD needs to understand that. I told him I’m not okay with that. We should be able to have disagreements without arguing in front of the kids. im just so confused! maybe im the problem here. help!

OP posts:

Brefugee · 10/03/2022 20:12

Well, you know it annoys him but you said it anyway (hand washing) and what were you doing that needed something that couldn't have waited 5 minutes?

You two need to learn to communicate better

Ridingoutthewaves · 10/03/2022 20:16

You’re right that your husband should have been able to prioritise your daughters feelings and comfort her, and it’s not great to argue in front of kids. Seems really hard to understand why your husband was so upset here without understanding the back story.

Jamoffmytoast · 10/03/2022 20:18

It sounds like you could benefit from couples counselling

Original poster

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:19

I think DH got really mad thinking I was telling him he needed to wash his hands, which I genuinely wasn’t. By the time I explained this, he was too annoyed to just back down, so it was my fault for the times in the past I’ve upset him when it comes to hand washing.

OP posts:

SpacePotato · 10/03/2022 20:22

He was nearly crying because you wanted him to wash his hands?

Why didn't you just go pick up the bloody utensil, dunk it in the sink or rinse it, presumably full of water if he was doing the dishes, then dry and use it without the drama?

LoganberryJam · 10/03/2022 20:23

I think your DH overreacted a bit, but I also think that you're overreacting a bit too! It's ok for an 8yo to understand that parents don't always agree, it would be completely different if you'd had a screaming row in front of her but it sounds like it was all fairly calm - a disagreement but without raised voices.

Honestly I think that none of what happened is a massive deal and both of you seem to be making it into more than it is.

Original poster

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:25

He was nearly crying because you wanted him to wash his hands?

Why didn't you just go pick up the bloody utensil, dunk it in the sink or rinse it, presumably full of water if he was doing the dishes, then dry and use it without the drama?

He’d have got upset with me for being impatient.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:27

@LoganberryJam you’re right, it wasn’t a screaming match. I would say his voice was definitely raised but I wouldn’t go so far as to say he was shouting. A slightly raised voice in quite an unpleasant tone.

OP posts:

ThisBloodyNoiseInMyHead · 10/03/2022 20:28

This is the most pathetic thread I've seen this week. You argue about such trivial things?

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 20:29

How much of an impact on daily life does your OCD really have, honestly? Because although on the face of it he's massively overreacted, in the context of a "straw that broke the camel's back" it might look rather different.

You shouldn't have involved your daughter and asked him to speak to her etc - you could have just reassured her that you were just bickering a bit and put her at her ease, rather than turning it into a 3-way interaction. If he was already feeling controlled over the handwashing, surely you can see why he didn't want to be ordered to go and reassure DD by you, and told that his feelings didn't matter.

Original poster

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:32

My OCD doesn’t impact daily life much at all since I did counselling a couple of years ago. So I don’t believe it could be the straw that broke the camels back.

I take your point on board that I shouldn’t have got DH to talk to her. I thought we should reassure her together, but he didn’t say a word. Just sat there with his head in his hands. That’s why I left hoping that he would then give her a hug or just reassure her in some way.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:33

This is the most pathetic thread I've seen this week. You argue about such trivial things?

But that’s why I’m so confused. It seems so trivial in my mind but it’s enough that my husband has to tell our child how upset he is with me.

OP posts:

Gowithme · 10/03/2022 20:33

You need to get treatment for your OCD, no one wants to be told they need to wash their hands all the time like they're 5. It's fine for him to say he's upset with you to dd, she was aware of the argument and it's normal for people to get upset with each other - but he needed to tell her that you were going to talk about it together and work it all out. That's how grown up relationships work. It sounds like you are not communicating well together at all and that you feel you need to pretend that everything is perfect all the time. That's not normal. Do you have perfectionist tendencies related to your OCD? You both need to get help OP, none of this is good for your dd.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 20:33

Apparently the way I treat him is not okay. Im slightly OCD and hand washing is a big one for me. So I have from time to time checked he’s washed his hands if he’s making me food. I know that’s wrong of me and I’m improving and still working on that.

I'm thinking your husband is at the end of his tether with being micromanaged. I'd be really pissed off if my husband kept reminding me to was my hands as though I'm a child. There's only so much of this anyone can take.

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 20:36

It sounds to me as though you've convinced yourself that it's not a problem since you've had counselling - I wonder whether your DH would agree. People don't sit with their heads in their hands for nothing, OP. He's at the end of his tether.

Maybe you should give him the opportunity to tell you how he's been feeling - shut up and listen to him, really listen.

Gowithme · 10/03/2022 20:37

@TheLionSleeepsTonight

My OCD doesn’t impact daily life much at all since I did counselling a couple of years ago. So I don’t believe it could be the straw that broke the camels back.

Does he think your OCD doesn't impact daily life much any more though or is that just your perception? Have you actually discussed the impact and how it affected him? It sounds like he's still got an issue with it or is holding onto resentment to me.

Original poster

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:41

I have probably said the “did you wash your hands” thing 3 times in the last 6 months. I used to be unable to eat at other people’s houses and lots of other things which I can now do. I wouldn’t eat food made by anyone but myself. I have come on leaps and bounds and it’s very rare I have a mild slip up, which I know must be annoying, but I’m trying and keep trying to improve more and more. He always flies off the handle at me so I’m also at the end of my tether to be honest. I would do couples counselling and have suggested it before but he won’t.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 20:41

Hmmmm

It sounds like he’s being deliberately frustrating and seeing if he can upset/ push you. Making you wait for something you needed, and could have just got yourself, looks like trying to force a row so that he could tell you you were wrong.

And the deliberately following you upstairs and carrying it on, especially in front of your dd, is not on at all. He should be able to put his feelings aside for her.

If you have diagnosed OCD he should be respectful of that as you can’t help it. Even if he doesn’t want to be told to wash his hands, he shouldn’t be getting annoyed with you for expressing the feelings this disorder gives you.

CheekyHobson · 10/03/2022 20:42

You're not the problem. Your husband believes his hurt feelings should become everyone's problem, even your child's, and is unable to manage his own feelings of hurt.

A reasonable person who genuinely took your comment badly would be able to accept an apology and an "Oh sorry I didn't mean it that way".

There's actually nothing wrong with your preference that someone washes their hands before they make you food, especially if your husband has a record of not doing it (which I'm going to guess he does). Are you diagnosed OCD or do you just say this because your husband has repeatedly told you some variation of the statement that you're "obsessed with cleanliness"?

The reason you couldn't get through to him by explaining yourself is that he doesn't care what your reasons are. All he wants is for you to grovel in apology and promise never to say anything about hand-washing ever again, no matter how uncomfortable you feel.

Refusing to drop an argument is a red flag of a controlling personality. Refusing to accept a reasonable explanation of a choice is a red flag of a controlling personality. Making everyone in the house upset when you're upset is a red flag of a controlling personality.

As you say there's a massive back story, I recommend that the best person to tell this backstory to would be a therapist, so they can give you a bit of perspective on what you're dealing with.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 10/03/2022 20:44

This seems like a lot of drama over washing hands! Your husband over reacted but you also seem overly sensitive!

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 10/03/2022 20:44

OP: you should see our kitchen drawers - we have many of EVERY utensils - it comes from of us both loving to cook, my FIL being a profi chef etc. Just open your drawer and pull out something else!

Movingonup22 · 10/03/2022 20:45

I suspect there is a backstory where your ocd has had a huge impact on him and maybe you have not/are not acknowledging that.

It’s hard to say obviously - and you’re clearly not open to the idea it might be that.

I would suggest a couples counselling srssion

toomuchlaundry · 10/03/2022 20:46

What else does he fly off the handle for?

wtfwasthatmate · 10/03/2022 20:47

Your husband reacted very badly in front of your daughter. Sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong. Getting impatient with you if you washed it yourself is ridiculous. Is he always like this?

wtfwasthatmate · 10/03/2022 20:47

Sorry I meant getting annoyed

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