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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

75 replies

TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:10

There’s a really big back story here that I won’t get into, because I just want some support with this isolated situation.

DH and I had a disagreement last night. It sounds ridiculous and really it is. So he was at the sink washing dishes and I needed a utensil that he had. He said he’d wash it and give it to me as soon as he’d rinsed it off. A minute later, he went to the bathroom and I popped my head out the kitchen and asked if it had been rinsed off yet (was sitting next to the sink). He said “I’m just blowing my nose, wait and I’ll sort it in a minute.” Thinking I might as well just go and sort it myself, I said “awww it’s okay, you’ll still need to wash your hands”. Then went to the kitchen. DH was really cross with this instantly. I shouldn’t be telling him when he needs to wash his hands. I explained that’s not what I meant, I just meant that he’ll be a minute so I’ll just go and clean it myself. Apparently the way I treat him is not okay. Im slightly OCD and hand washing is a big one for me. So I have from time to time checked he’s washed his hands if he’s making me food. I know that’s wrong of me and I’m improving and still working on that. He was getting more and more upset so I kept explaining that I didn’t mean it in the way he thought i did. This didnt appease him so i said let’s just drop it. He said “no I won’t just drop it thanks!” And continued going on as I took DD(8) upstairs.

Then DH came up and I found DD upset in her bedroom telling me she doesn’t like us arguing. I consoled her and then asked DH to come up and talk to her. He said he was too upset to. I explained that his 8 year old daughter’s feelings were priority.

I chatted to DD in front of DH and then left them to chat. DD came out the room saying daddy said he was too upset to talk to her about it. He then came and found her 15mins later and had a chat to her.

I’ve just found out that during that chat, she said “daddy, you look like you’re about to cry.” He said “I’m just so upset with your mum right now.”

I’m really upset by this. In my opinion, this is totally the wrong thing to say to her. She’s only 8 fgs and was upset herself already. It’s not fair to put that on her.

I’ve told DH how I feel about what he said and he thinks this shows that I don’t care about his feelings!

I’m literally so confused here. I don’t know what I’ve done that is so bad that I deserve this backlash. What was so bad that he felt he was so upset with me and needed to share that with our daughter. He says that arguments happen occasionally and that DD needs to understand that. I told him I’m not okay with that. We should be able to have disagreements without arguing in front of the kids. im just so confused! maybe im the problem here. help!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLionSleeepsTonight · 10/03/2022 20:49

@igiveupallthenamesiwantedareg0 Utensil is the wrong choice of word. It was the bottle for the soda stream. I wanted some cold fizzy water as I had only had one drink all day after being stuck at hospital with our child and being busy making sure she was okay. I kind of forgot to stay hydrated. Yes, I could have just had plain water but I really fancied fizzy.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 20:50

Listen to @CheekyHobson and the others who question your husband’s behaviour. I suspect these are the people with some actual experience of what they are talking about.

glitterfarts · 10/03/2022 20:50

He could have taken 10 seconds to wash your utensil BEFORE going to the toilet and the whole thing would have been avoided.
He sounds annoying as fuck to me, and very pernickety if he'd also get annoyed at you washing it yourself.
If you have OCD and a thing about washing hands, then he could just reassure you he is washing his hands!

HE is being horrid to be sitting with his head in his hands and moaning to your 8 yr old. He is the adult. I bet that's not all, is he "always right?" Honestly, he'll get worse. I think it's borderline emotionally abusive to your child, it's making it all about him not her. And making her parent him. Very unhealthy and pathetic.

that would totally annoy me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 20:51

So he deliberately kept you thirsty and waiting for a drink? Knowing you’d had little time for yourself? And would have reacted badly if you’d just done it for yourself?

There’s a problem here OP, and it’s not you.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/03/2022 20:53

Yes that was a complete overreaction from him but it's hard to tell if it was justified or not without knowing what's going on the rest of the time. You say he floes off the handle at you all the time, bit what for?

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 20:55

Without the back story it's really impossible to say much, but it sounds like you were both being unreasonable - you for making a hand washing comment (when you know there is an issue with this) and him for having such a strong reaction.

You were also both unreasonable with your child. You for making a fuss in the first place - parents argue, all you have to say is - yes, sorry, we're having a bit of a debate about something, we'll be quieter and leave it at that. You don't help your kids by encouraging them to be upset by a bit of conflict. He was also unreasonable for making her part of the argument.

If this isn't a one off, then to him and try and agree a better way forward. If you can't do that alone get some marriage counselling.

MerryMarigold · 10/03/2022 20:55

There's obviously a big backstory for DH to have reacted like that so I think that's where the issue has come from. Fwiw I think it was fine he said he's upset with you. Children know these things so to be open about it, and also when things are ok is actually reassuring for them. Shows you can have disagreements and get over them, can feel upset but forgive etc. 8 is not really young, a good time to learn these things. You do come across as quite controlling and perhaps controlling situations as well as the ocd has led to DH's 'last straw' reaction. You need to talk to him.

Also, why did he need to wash his hands if he's washing up? His hands will be getting washed!!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/03/2022 20:57

she doesn’t like us arguing. I consoled her and then asked DH to come up and talk to her.

Why did you make such a meal of it with her and tell DH to talk to her (about what?) I think he is a prick.

FairyCakeWings · 10/03/2022 20:57

You’re trying to minimise the back story, but it will have made a huge difference. Honestly, if someone is trying to tell you that in that moment they feel too upset to do something, then listen to them. Don’t force them into the position you want them in and then act surprised when they can’t perform they way you want.

In an ideal world, your DH wouldn’t have been so upset in the first place, and if he was then you’d hope he’d be able to put it aside for a bit to do some parenting. But life isn’t like that, parents aren’t perfect and sometimes they have human emotions that make them temporarily incapable of being their best selves.

He didn’t do anything wrong by telling your dd that he was too upset to chat right then. He didn’t shout it at her in a temper or leave her believing that he would never be able to talk to her properly again.

CheekyHobson · 10/03/2022 20:58

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Sadly, yes.

FairyCakeWings · 10/03/2022 21:02

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

So he deliberately kept you thirsty and waiting for a drink?

That is a ridiculous over reaction. OP sounds like she has working kegs and easy access to the tap. The man got a snotty nose in the middle of washing up and went to blow it FFS.

FairyCakeWings · 10/03/2022 21:03

Grin legs!

Cherrysherbet · 10/03/2022 21:04

Do you think he might be depressed?

‘Flying off the handle’ could be a sign that he’s not coping with life for some reason.

Sit down and talk. He may open up to you, and you may find he’s really struggling. He might need help.

I’ve been in your shoes, and my dh had severe depression, that he was covering up quite well.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 10/03/2022 21:07

You both sound intolerable and a multitude of other words but as there is a child involved I definitely agree with a couple of PP's that some outside help is needed.

OatmilkandCookies · 10/03/2022 21:14

There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to wash their hands before preparing food or washing dishes. It would be vile not to.
The backstory could change things, but I think he massively over-reacted. Why did he need to go back and rinse the thing? Why did he start acting like this over such a minor conversation? Acting like he did in front of your child is out of order.

rwalker · 10/03/2022 21:16

it's sound like the straw that broke the camels back . Don't understand the drama should of just done it yourself .

Sounds like you micro manage and he's had enough

ButtockUp · 10/03/2022 21:17

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

So he deliberately kept you thirsty and waiting for a drink? Knowing you’d had little time for yourself? And would have reacted badly if you’d just done it for yourself?

There’s a problem here OP, and it’s not you.

No he didn't. She admitted that she could have had water but chose not to.
tkwal · 10/03/2022 21:17

I would imagine that living with someone who has OCD could be slightly wearing sometimes.Maybe he had a hard time at work, felt like he was doing his bit by doing the dishes and you wanted whatever you wanted when you wanted it. He's an adult, he doesn't need to be reminded to wash his hands. So yes, maybe he did over react but give him some leeway, he's entitled to the odd off day as are we all. I also think he was sensible to let his emotions settle for a while before talking to your daughter, it's not as if he left her for hours.

ButtockUp · 10/03/2022 21:18

You both sound like you're at the bickering stage of your marriage.
Couples counselling would help you both.

NeverChange · 10/03/2022 21:22

I don't understand why you would say there is a backstory but not give details of it.

I suspect the backstory will make his reaction a lot more understandable.

Wrenna · 10/03/2022 21:30

I suppose he might have been on the end of his tether But I absolutely hate him saying to your dd “I’m just so upset with your mum”. How dare he! Sure you can both say ‘oh sure we get on each other’s nerves now and again but we love each other!’ For him to worry a child about that shows it’s all about him no matter who it was, I’d be furious at that.

CheekyHobson · 10/03/2022 21:38

DH was really cross with this instantly.

He was getting more and more upset so I kept explaining that I didn’t mean it in the way he thought i did. This didnt appease him

He said “no I won’t just drop it thanks!” And continued going on

I’ve told DH how I feel about what he said and he thinks this shows that I don’t care about his feelings!

He’d have got upset with me for being impatient.

I would say his voice was definitely raised but I wouldn’t go so far as to say he was shouting. A slightly raised voice in quite an unpleasant tone.

He always flies off the handle at me so I’m also at the end of my tether to be honest.

I would do couples counselling and have suggested it before but he won’t.

I had only had one drink all day after being stuck at hospital with our child and being busy making sure she was okay.

This is absolutely a guess based on my experiences, but if you have a think about the past times when your husband has become very upset with you and required substantial apologies for you hurting him in some way, does there seem to be a pattern of those incidents occurring on days where someone other than him is the priority in the household?

For example, you have been busy with a sick child all day, it's someone's birthday other than his, you have received a promotion at work, there has been an emergency with your family or friends that you have needed to attend to, or you yourself have been ill and in need of care.

WulyJmpr · 10/03/2022 21:46

Very few posters picking up on gaslighting behaviour of the OP's partner and also emotional manipulation of the daughter

wtfwasthatmate · 10/03/2022 21:57

@WulyJmpr

Very few posters picking up on gaslighting behaviour of the OP's partner and also emotional manipulation of the daughter
Yep. Never mind she was at the hospital all day with their child. Then she had to come home and tiptoe around his temper to get a bottle washed.
Aprilx · 10/03/2022 21:59

@WulyJmpr

Very few posters picking up on gaslighting behaviour of the OP's partner and also emotional manipulation of the daughter
Do you mean the OP’s emotional manipulation of the daughter? 🧐 She dragged the daughter into this and made a drama out of forcing partner to go and speak to her … then complains about what he said when he did.