AIBU to think that children don't need a phone until they're at secondary?

[irritablehead1]

DD is in Year 6. Everyone, it seems, is getting a phone. I hate the idea of her having a phone all the time but I also feel like we are getting increasingly isolated in our thinking about waiting till summer/secondary.

AIBU to think it's just so young?

@DelurkingAJ

I know some people who got their DC unsmart phones for Y6 for the walk to and from school and for going places more independently. Seems like a decent balance to me and we’ve discussed doing exactly that for DSs.

I did this with all 4 of mine. They started to walk to school in the final term of Y6 and got a phone at that time too.

to me it depends on the circumstances of the family
in our household no its not to young my now 11 y old(would be y6) has had his own monthly(always a good phone)phone since he was 3, but to us its used as an educational and communication tool, same with a tablet and a decent laptop, hes always had his own

we home educate (always have done, and will continue to) using the unschooling/world schooling method, this is completely child led

as a lot of our learning is outside of the home he uses/used google to look up things.
because of numerous disabilities hes a visual learner and because of a working memory disorder(one of many diagnoses)he needs apps and websites to learn.(there are thousands,)we also use YouTube a lot, there is plenty of educational channels, which he watches put and about and on journeys to get there. this is how we educate and learn.

he only has a hand full of numbers in his phone and that's only family and close friends.
he uses WhatsApp to keep in contact with friends and family and has tiktok, but tiktok does have educational accounts on it.

he also uses a phone to read(as do i)
he was non verbal till he was 6 and used his phone via an app to communicate.

people just think children of a certain age wants phones to text and go on social media. a descent smart phone can be used for so much more and adults need to open their eyes and brains to that possibility

@SpecialDay I used this guide from Apple mostly.

Both of mine had them at the start of year 6 for walking home. They're not on them very much, especially ds, who is 13. Dd is 11 and more sociable generally she uses hers to message friends, her cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents which is lovely.

Brick phone when they start walking home on their own and smart phone for birthday once at secondary.

We let my DTs have an old phone with no SIM and very locked down WiFi at nearly 10. They successfully demonstrated they were absolutely not ready for a phone yet as they massively struggled with coming off games and getting upset with only age appropriate apps we had down loaded. We will try again in 6 months or so. It was a useful exercise and until they can control themselves with that , then they will only be getting a basic phone for communication. Be that 11 or 13. They both have ASD and are quite emotionally vulnerable.

@SpecialDay

As a parent of younger DC, can I ask what are the parent controls everyone talks about? How do you actually monitor your child's phone and ensure that they are safeguarded?

I use Google's Family Link App - can track, monitor time spent on apps, restrict apps - and it's free

My son had a phone from summer term year 6 because he was walking to and from school. He couldn't download apps on it and handed it to me when he came in so he could charge it. During the day, his teacher kept switched off phones locked in her cupboard and handed them out at home time.

If you wait too long then your child goes from no phone to creating multiple SM accounts - one for "show" so their parents think they are behaving and one "real" account where they do what they want. I think "too long" is age 12/13 ish where they Google or swap tips on how to beat parental controls like location apps. If you start in y6 then kids are more likely to agree to heavy monitoring. Once they register for Snapchat then you're screwed and have lost control as the messages disappear quickly etc

l put very few parental controls on the dc phones. But when I held my hand out, I expected it to be handed over immediately so I could do an check on the apps that were loaded and the messages exchanged. That was the deal that was agreed between the dc and myself, the alternative was either no phone or a brick.
It worked for us...

If you do get them a phone, then I can thoroughly recommend either Family Link (which is an app that runs on the adults & your kids phone) on Android phones or setting up Screentime via the settings on Apple IOS. Both systems allow you to set up households & control / monitor your children's phone - so you can see what apps they download, control spending, find their phone & set bed/down times for either the entire device or individual apps. My 15 & 12 year olds have smartphones but as long as I'm paying for their accounts, I am the owner of the phone & have the main acc passwords. At bedtime, they are left with access to alarm clock, Google Keep (notepad), Kindle & calendar. As it's so dull they happily leave them downstairs to charge 98% of the time.

Both operating systems req a bank card added to the adult account before you can set up Family groups - we have a prepay Monese card that is used purely for the phones & only ever has £20 on it.

Let them have a smart phone but teach them how to use it & keep an eye on them remotely (as you would do in real life). As a household we have a policy that all family members have their fingerprints on everyone's phones so we all have trust til someone does something to remove it.

If they get a phone in Y6 then they are below the recommended age for the social media apps so you are well within your rights to stand firm & say no to those. All the problems I deal with at the Junior school where I work are due to the parentsnot controlling their kids phones & allowing them on apps above their age rating.

So many replies, thanks all! That's really helpful. Clearly, we need to start discussing it here...

Now, if we do go down the road of getting a phone, what is the best way to keep things to a bare minimum. Just phones and texts and very limited internet. Is that possible? To limit the internet? I have Zilch idea of these things.

@Firstworldproblems suggested some parental controls but any other recommendations

I got my first phone age 10 in 2001. I'll get DS one when he's 10. I don't think Year 6 is young really.

They don't need social media though, that's more the issue. Calls and texts only.

Year six seems a normal age as this is the age they start walking alone. I didn’t get my eldest a phone in year six as was waiting for secondary and he was the only one not exchanging phone numbers when they left. I made sure my younger two had one for year six.

DS had one for his 11th Birthday, he’s 18 this year so was a while ago. Whereas DD - 14 this month got one sooner, but it was one of our old ones and she didn’t have a sim, just used on WiFi until year 6. It did cause a problem in year 6, due to a class whats app group. Hold off I say as long as you can

We live in a three tier education area, so it's the norm for kids to get a phone in year 5 when they start travelling to school by themselves.
DD (11) has had a phone since year 4, lockdown 1, as have lots of her friends; it was a lifeline for her. However, we use Family Link, and have pretty strict parental controls. She can only use her phone between certain hours, the amount of screen time is limited, and we have to review every app she installs. She has no social media, and I will check through her phone at random.

Some of her friends have no apparent parental control on their devices, unrestricted screen time, and use apps like Instagram and TikTok which is mad.

@Waxonwaxoff0, totally agree with this. I’m in the US, my eldest starts middle school in the fall (so, age 11) and he’s getting the Light Phone (calls and text only).

There’s a sizable movement over here called “Wait Until 8th”, which is about waiting until 8th grade (age 15) for giving them a smartphone. Watching “The Social Dilemma” solidified my view that it’s for the best.

Mine has had one since age 8. Best thing I ever did really. The novelty has completely worn off. Half the time it's out of battery or she doesn't know where it is. Genuinely isn't interested in getting a new phone and doesn't understand why half of her friends at her club are glued to their phones.

@Waxonwaxoff0

I got my first phone age 10 in 2001. I'll get DS one when he's 10. I don't think Year 6 is young really.

10 year olds with phones were very unusual in 2001. But was your phone a smart phone? Could it connect to the internet?

@Waxonwaxoff0

They don't need social media though, that's more the issue. Calls and texts only.

Sorry, just saw this!

@Bitofachinwag no, it was a Nokia brick! Obviously there was no Snapchat/tik tok then.

I don't think it was that unusual, all my friends had one. My mum put £10 on it every month as it was pay as you go. We could only text and call, and play Snake!

It's so different depending on what "having a phone" means.

My eldest would say she "has a phone" as during lockdown I gave her my old one, no sim, so she wasn't using my email account (which is what our iPad is set up with for FaceTime) to FaceTime her friends each day.

So she uses it still now to FaceTime friends who live far away and she has a few games on it for when we travel. But it stays in a drawer in the lounge computer table, doesn't ever go in her room other than when she's FaceTiming. I don't want her anywhere near the internet unsupervised.

So yes, she got a phone age 8. But not really. But if others in her class were telling their mums then the story would be "Penny has a phone" as the kids are let going to tell each other all the caveats.

I don't think it needs a sim in it or for her to have it with her until she's going places without an adult.

Another one who got my daughter a phone in Year 6. My thinking was that I’d much rather she got to grips with messaging, WhatsApp etc with her group of primary school friends who I know, and also know their parents.

Rather than her being thrown in the deep end with a phone in Year 7 with new friendship groups, and a year cohort of 300 kids.

My dd is 12 and we’ve just got her a phone.
It’s so handy because she has more independence, I can drop her off at the park with friends or the youth club and she calls me to pick her up. It’s good for safety….but

It’s majorly distracting. You need to take it off them especially winding down for the night. They will do nothing whilst there is a phone in their face.

I love that she can chat to friends and she’s got a class group but last night I had to make her leave the group chat. It was horribly toxic. Girls in the class picking on eachother, getting into arguments and leaving foul language voice notes. Dd was sitting watching the drama but I didn’t want her getting involved. Some of the things said were totally vile. It shows these kids aren’t mature enough to be having a phone and engaging in group chats.
None of these parents know what their kids are up to on their phones. There was even some random girl from another part of the country in the group chat none of them had even met before.

I had one of dds friend use her dads Facebook account to send me messages and games requests. Her dad had no idea.

I think if they get a phone you need to be very careful and check it without feeling it’s an invasion of privacy. They are too young for unlimited rope.

Thanks so much all.

I am very ignorant, please help. Is there a way of having controls/restrictions on the phone so he can't excessively browse the internet or play any downloaded games (he wants one game on the phone, which is fine but I don't want him to play in/around school).

What sort of app/restriction would I put in place?