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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think that children don't need a phone until they're at secondary?

103 replies

irritablehead1 · 09/03/2022 18:16

DD is in Year 6. Everyone, it seems, is getting a phone. I hate the idea of her having a phone all the time but I also feel like we are getting increasingly isolated in our thinking about waiting till summer/secondary.

AIBU to think it's just so young?

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 09/03/2022 19:18

@ChattanoogaShoeShoe

I would have agreed with up until about 2 years ago. But during lockdown a cheap sim in an old phone was a brilliant lifeline to my primary school aged DC for staying in contact with friends.
Agree and we did the same
BookwormButNoTime · 09/03/2022 19:20

I agree totally BUT we did get my DD a phone in Y6 but with strict rules. For example, checking her phone every day, what she could and couldn’t have access to.

It was actually the best idea as it meant that phone etiquette and how to behave online could be dealt with in a safe environment. There were invariably things said in WhatsApp groups that shouldn’t have been but because we had all known each other for 7 years it was easy to make apologies and work with other parents. My DD was on the receiving end of some negativity. We taught her to navigate through that (taking screen shots there and then in case they got deleted, not responding, blocking etc).

These are skills they need to have. Some parents waited until Y7 and the same situations arose but then heads of years got involved, plus in one instance the police (the child was expelled eventually).

I’m really glad we had Y6 to properly educate.

reluctantbrit · 09/03/2022 19:21

DD got hers at the Summer before Y6.

DD was walking to and from school on her own, learnt to use the bus to go into town to meet friends, was all day at the stable yard, kept in contact with friends at a different school, chatted with the grandparents.

It taught her independent without being afraid to be lost somewhere and no way to contact us.

I think Y6 started with 1/2 of them having a phone, by the end all had one.

Largethighsbadeyes · 09/03/2022 19:22

Mine got one at end of year 5 as he was starting walking part of the way home from school on his own. If you don't want yours to have a phone or you think they don't need one then don't get them one. Easy

Bitofachinwag · 09/03/2022 19:23

@BookwormButNoTime

I agree totally BUT we did get my DD a phone in Y6 but with strict rules. For example, checking her phone every day, what she could and couldn’t have access to.

It was actually the best idea as it meant that phone etiquette and how to behave online could be dealt with in a safe environment. There were invariably things said in WhatsApp groups that shouldn’t have been but because we had all known each other for 7 years it was easy to make apologies and work with other parents. My DD was on the receiving end of some negativity. We taught her to navigate through that (taking screen shots there and then in case they got deleted, not responding, blocking etc).

These are skills they need to have. Some parents waited until Y7 and the same situations arose but then heads of years got involved, plus in one instance the police (the child was expelled eventually).

I’m really glad we had Y6 to properly educate.

But you have to be 16 to join WhatsApp, don't you?
lovelyupnorth · 09/03/2022 19:25

YARNBU

13 is early enough for a phone.

tigerbird · 09/03/2022 19:26

The whole “it’s better to lead them gradually toward the cliff holding onto parental hands” stuff is massively naive IMO. If you saw some of the stuff I’ve seen on Discord, Tumblr and so on, you’d be absolutely horrified. Kids would be far better off if more parents said no, young teenagers really don’t need smartphones or social media.

I work with older students and they often say to me they regret being allowed to use social media at all as as teenagers, and that it’s caused and worsened a lot of mental health issues.

Christ, the one single thing that would improve my life is being less addicted to my phone. We’re literally all grooming young kids into an unhealthy lifelong screen addiction and poor work-life balance at the best, and allowing them access to some really dark and twisted material at the worst. We ought to all be reducing the use/need for smartphones generally - but it’s a huge profit centre so we’re all brainwashed into thinking we all must have it or be “socially isolated” blah blah.

Meanwhile, on other boards there are threads like “why do men suddenly think it’s okay to strangle and choke women violently during sex?” and “why are so many teenagers suffering from gender dysphoria or mental illness/anxiety/etc.?” It isn’t hard to connect the dots….

YouPrettyThings · 09/03/2022 19:27

Depends - our kids go to a middle school 5 miles away from Y5 and if they can't be driven they have a bus pass for a public bus. My son is Y4 now and has a phone in preparation for September i.e. phone won't be a novelty by then. I'd rather be didn't have one but what if something goes wrong on the bus or he misses it, how will I know? I've put family link on it so can track him and manage apps and check his messages daily - he knows this and is sensible with it.

Echobelly · 09/03/2022 19:28

I think they don't 'need' them at primary age. Will be giving youngest one when he starts secondary, although there's no smartphones allowed in schools, but I think it's become clear through my oldest that they're a social must-have. We were going to hold off one for them until Y8 or so, but then COVID hit mid Y7 and I went out and bought one straight away so they could keep in touch with new friends.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 09/03/2022 19:31

My compromise on this was DS had an iPod touch for his birthday at the end of y5. It’s essentially an iPhone but it’ll only work on wifi. I set up strict parental controls on it and we also have controls on the wifi. It meant he could have contact with a small group of friends and iMessage his grandparents etc.

I got him a cheap as chips PAYG dumb phone at the same time for walking to and from school.

I find the controls on Apple devices really good. I can limit the time he spends on any app so he can still text his Nan or whatever but he can’t get back on his game after an hour of using it.

Technology is an ever increasing presence in our lives and I think it’s important that we teach our kids to use it responsibly rather than keep them away from it.

veevee04 · 09/03/2022 19:32

My DD has one it's heavily restricted , has a timer on her phone. MIL likes to face time her and it stops her ringing me and having to facilitate the calls. It works for me !!

Bitofachinwag · 09/03/2022 19:33

@YouPrettyThings

Depends - our kids go to a middle school 5 miles away from Y5 and if they can't be driven they have a bus pass for a public bus. My son is Y4 now and has a phone in preparation for September i.e. phone won't be a novelty by then. I'd rather be didn't have one but what if something goes wrong on the bus or he misses it, how will I know? I've put family link on it so can track him and manage apps and check his messages daily - he knows this and is sensible with it.
If something went wrong he would speak to the bus driver. It's really important to teach children what to do if they lose their phone/leave it behind/ it gets stolen.
DaisyWaldron · 09/03/2022 19:33

When I was a child, I didn't have a mobile phone, but there were payphones all over the place. If I missed the bus, or got a puncture, or was invited to a friend's house, or was scared, or got an after-school detention, I could call for help/permission.

That's not really an option without a mobile phone these days.

Horst · 09/03/2022 19:33

I think in year 6 it’s about getting used to the phone and the novelty of it wearing off before they actually need it for secondary school or at least that’s why I gave mine his in year 6 and my next will get hers for year six as well.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 09/03/2022 19:35

Towards the end of Y6 is my preference. They'll want to swap numbers with friends, especially those going to different schools and they can start making plans during the summer holidays.

LadyRoughDiamond · 09/03/2022 19:42

My child is also inY6. We’ve just bought him a phone because it was his birthday present. I’m a teacher and, have seen plenty of Y7s brandishing their new phones, only to get them confiscated.I was keen to get it now so that the novelty could wear off before September as his new school has an On Site, Out of Sight policy.

Oblomov22 · 09/03/2022 19:43

Year 6 is a good time to give dc a phone. Of course they don't need one, but that isn't really the point. They will need one for secondary.

YouPrettyThings · 09/03/2022 19:45

Absolutely agree - but what if the bus breaks down? The bus driver isn't going to call me - it's a public bus and the school won't have a clue because local authority has removed funding for a dedicated school bus. I don't want my 9yo hanging around the street waiting for another bus - he needs to be able to contact me on those occasions. Long gone are the days of reverse charge phone calls to home.

Bitofachinwag · 09/03/2022 19:46

@YouPrettyThings

Absolutely agree - but what if the bus breaks down? The bus driver isn't going to call me - it's a public bus and the school won't have a clue because local authority has removed funding for a dedicated school bus. I don't want my 9yo hanging around the street waiting for another bus - he needs to be able to contact me on those occasions. Long gone are the days of reverse charge phone calls to home.
Well, you can still make reverse charge calls, but you will probably find it difficult to find a phone to make one from!
YouPrettyThings · 09/03/2022 19:46

@YouPrettyThings

Absolutely agree - but what if the bus breaks down? The bus driver isn't going to call me - it's a public bus and the school won't have a clue because local authority has removed funding for a dedicated school bus. I don't want my 9yo hanging around the street waiting for another bus - he needs to be able to contact me on those occasions. Long gone are the days of reverse charge phone calls to home.
Just realised you said what to do if the phone is lost - doh!
BogRollBOGOF · 09/03/2022 19:46

DS got one for his 11th birthday- my contract updated at that time anyway so he has my old handset.
He doesn't need it yet, but he is familiarising how to use it. He's dabbling with walking home from school, but we live that near, it's quicker to run home than look up a phone number so there's no point in taking it at this point.

I think half the class had them in y5, but when he's home alone, we have the landline and he's not been out on his own yet.

I authorise the apps and have been clear about checking the phone. It is charged in my room overnight.
He's been using a tablet for years and I've always talked to the DCs and told them to tell me if they see something upsetting or worrying, even if they did something silly as it's better to know and sort it out. Will I prevent all issues? Unlikely, but hopefully it can mitigate.

Blanketpolicy · 09/03/2022 19:49

Nobody needs a phone, doesn't mean there are not reasons why a primary school childs parents might want them to have one. Do what is right for you, doesnt matter what others decide.

Ds had one in primary, the summer before P6/Yr5 because he would play out all day or use it to make arrangements to meet up with friends, it meant we could find him when needed or he could let me know if he was having dinner/lunch at a friends house.

Rewis · 09/03/2022 19:49

I guess it depends what age the child walk to and/or from school. When they start being home and if there is a landline and when they start going out with their friends without adult supervision.

SpecialDay · 09/03/2022 19:51

As a parent of younger DC, can I ask what are the parent controls everyone talks about? How do you actually monitor your child's phone and ensure that they are safeguarded?

Foolsrule · 09/03/2022 19:53

I’m getting this from my yr5. Most of the other kids do have phones. Like a PP, some parents don’t monitor a thing. They’re let loose on TikTok and all sorts without any kind of supervision. I may concede to a phone for yr6 but it will be strictly monitored!