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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is BU here, me or DP?

68 replies

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 10:28

I'm in an LDR, my DP and I started talking about moving in together last year. We agreed DP's place was too small for 2 to live comfortably in, plus he's not entirely happy there for other reasons, so started looking for a new place local to him.

We could (just about) afford to buy, but DP feels the housing market is about to tank, and this isn't a good time. So we have been looking for a rental place since the summer.

Unfortunately we've not been successful in obtaining anywhere. The market is crazy in his area, on FB there are people constantly posting looking for properties to rent. We've looked in all the usual places - Rightmove, Open rent, on social media etc and applied for everything suitable. However there's a lot of competition for every place - usually at last 5 other applicants and sometimes as many as 10 or 20. We never get a reason why we've not been selected but reading between the lines I think it's been either because we're not already living together, we're not a family (a lot of places we've viewed have had other applicants with children), or we're not renting through the same agent. One place last week we got down to the final 2 we were asked how quickly we could move in. As DP can only give his notice on the 1st of the month we said 3-4 weeks as then DP would still be paying a month overlap - ie giving notice on 1 April and moving out on 1 May, but new tenancy starting late March/ early April - and we got rejected for that one, I guess because the other applicant said 'immediately'. We've had another couple of applications where the agents came back with questions like why I lived in another part of the country, whether I/we worked from home, and I think that's probably been reasons to reject us - likewise a couple of times we've asked if basic repairs (think cupboards hanging off, holes in carpets), repainting flaking or chipped paint and so on would be done, and again heard no more.

There's not really any more we can do as far as I can see. Our finances are ok, we have good credit and secure jobs, we pass the affordibility criteria. There's no obvious reason to reject us other than there's just so much demand.

The upshot of it all is DP is fed up, thinks it's completely pointless, and we need to stop looking. He said it's a waste of time, he's sick of going to viewings (this falls to him as I'm too far away) and we're never going to get anywhere if we haven't in the last 9 months so what's the point?

I see where he's coming from but equally if we stop looking we definitely won't find anything will we? He thinks we just have to make do as we are, and possibly next year the situation will change. I find that quite frustrating, and want to keep on with it, because surely at some point we will get somewhere, other people do so why not us?

So who's BU, or do we both have a point?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/03/2022 10:33

I think his heart isn’t in it and he doesn’t want to change his lifestyle.

I’d walk away.

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 10:34

YANBU, you have to be in to win it, to quote a cliche.

You say the viewings fall to him, but are you taking on your share of the other work (finding suitable properties. filling in applications etc).

I found that we were more successful when we showed up the estate agents together, and spoke to them directly. The agent sad we were the ideal tenants. Have you tried that?

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 10:45

I do all the searching and applications myself. I go to viewings if they coincide with a visit to DP, but I live a few hundred miles away so I can't just pop up for viewings when they come up, especially as often they're only at 24-48 hours notice (and you have to go on the dates offered because you tend to only get 1 chance - we've lost out on a few properties because DP was up here on the only viewing day, and couldn't get back in time).

I can't tell if his heart isn't in it, or if he's just totally hacked off with the process. He's rented on his own for 10 years and never had any trouble finding a place before.

OP posts:
j89vsd · 09/03/2022 10:48

Of all the viewings we've had, I've been to 4 (out of 20 or so).

OP posts:
Arabellla · 09/03/2022 10:51

YANBU again then. I'd be speaking to him about his intentions in that case, as you can't move forward if in LDR.

Cocomarine · 09/03/2022 10:58

Well he’s not that unhappy in his place, is he? Or regardless of the pita that is the rental process, he would carry on.

Can you really not share his existing home, for a period of say 6 months? It doesn’t have to be ideal, just do-able.

If it doesn’t work out, he isn’t stuck in a place he chose for a couple.

I wouldn’t be changing my rental in current climate for an untested LDR!

inheritancetrack · 09/03/2022 11:00

It is very disheartening to look at properties non stop and get nothing. I think cut him some slack and have a break, then look again. It could be he could look a little outside the area.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 11:02

Why are you only looking in his area?

He wants you to do all the legwork and just tell him when you're moving.

I wouldn't move in with him.

JustLyra · 09/03/2022 11:05

You’ve posted this before haven’t you?

You can’t make him look. If he’s not interested then your choices are to do it all yourself, including the viewings, move into his place or not move at all.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 09/03/2022 11:06

I think when we were first looking to buy we went to 2 or 3 viewings every week for what felt like months (in hindsight it can't have been that many- maybe 1 or 2 every second week?) and I remember having a breakdown in a house crying when MIL started putting pressure on me to tell her why I liked the house I wanted to bid on- and in reality I didn't it was awful I was just so fed up of looking and looking and being outbid. The whole thing was exhausting. We had to start bringing one of our dm's with us to stop the inevitable bickering. But after that day we reevaluated. Realized we were in the wrong location, went back to what we really wanted and what we could leave and found our house

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 11:08

We've been together for over 8 years so it's not like it's a newish relationship. He used to live about an hour away but had to move away unavoidably a few years ago. Thanks to Covid I now work from home so can live anywhere.

However I can't work from his current place as even if we somehow squeezed in my clothes and other belongings which would be hard enough, there isn't space for my work equipment, or anywhere I can deal with confidential calls etc, I really need a separate room to work in. We did look into renting a workspace but that worked out to be quite a lot more expensive than just renting a bigger home.

He has a few niggles about his current place, not so bad that he is desperate to move, but he'd be happy to leave if there was a better alternative. Problem is currently there's no alternative!

OP posts:
NameGoesHere · 09/03/2022 11:10

I don’t think he’s that into you and doesnt want to make the next step.

Suzi888 · 09/03/2022 11:11

I think you both have fair points. I also think he’s right regarding the housing market.
I’d wait and buy instead.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 11:11

Does he travel to you as much as you travel to him?

It sounds like he's always got an excuse. He doesn't want to buy. No houses are good enough to rent. He doesn't want to look anymore.

lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 11:12

He doesnt want to move in with you and is making excuses.

KylieCharlene · 09/03/2022 11:13

If I was renting out a house the fact that you currently live so far away would make me worry you might return there short-notice and try and get out of the tenancy and leave your DP to try and afford it alone (which may not be possible)- or take DP with you, potentially causing me to chase you or fight legally for rent.
I'd worry your relationship wasn't stable and again, I'd be left with potential financial fallout.
I'd also be thinking there's a good chance you only want to let short-term and ideally I'd be looking for a family, who for eg, have dc at a local school, who would be looking to rent long-term.
Just my musings.

KylieCharlene · 09/03/2022 11:14

I'm not sure though that his heart is in it.

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 11:16

We take the travelling in turns, so that is pretty equal, and if anything he comes to me slightly more.

I do think he probably is right that now isn't a good time to buy (prices have gone up by about 25% in the area in the last 2 years which can't be sustainable) but I do wonder how long it will take to drop, probably more like 2-3 years at least, which feels a long time to wait.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 09/03/2022 11:16

@girlmom21 the OP is hardly doing on the leg work when her partner has done over 75% of the viewings alone. He's done about 16 viewings without her. At least with doing applications you can sit at home in your pjs and do them at your convenience. With viewings he will be having to fit in with the estate agent timings, maybe rearranging work etc. The OP is in the easier position here

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 11:17

[quote user1471457751]@girlmom21 the OP is hardly doing on the leg work when her partner has done over 75% of the viewings alone. He's done about 16 viewings without her. At least with doing applications you can sit at home in your pjs and do them at your convenience. With viewings he will be having to fit in with the estate agent timings, maybe rearranging work etc. The OP is in the easier position here[/quote]
Applications, communicating with estate agents and all of the admin are massively more time consuming than viewing properties

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 11:19

OP do you rent or own?

If you rent could you not give notice then say you're available to move immediately and just manage in his small property short-term, or work in a library or similar?

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 11:20

@KylieCharlene

If I was renting out a house the fact that you currently live so far away would make me worry you might return there short-notice and try and get out of the tenancy and leave your DP to try and afford it alone (which may not be possible)- or take DP with you, potentially causing me to chase you or fight legally for rent. I'd worry your relationship wasn't stable and again, I'd be left with potential financial fallout. I'd also be thinking there's a good chance you only want to let short-term and ideally I'd be looking for a family, who for eg, have dc at a local school, who would be looking to rent long-term. Just my musings.
Yes, on the short term point we think we'll be there for 2-3 years (waiting for house prices to drop so we can buy) and normally say if asked 2-3 years, or long term. But of course if another applicant says 10 years I'm sure that's who a landlord would go with.

I could also understand a landlord being concerned about us not living together, but I can't really see a way round that as things stand.

OP posts:
McScreamysGhostPants · 09/03/2022 11:20

@j89vsd

We take the travelling in turns, so that is pretty equal, and if anything he comes to me slightly more.

I do think he probably is right that now isn't a good time to buy (prices have gone up by about 25% in the area in the last 2 years which can't be sustainable) but I do wonder how long it will take to drop, probably more like 2-3 years at least, which feels a long time to wait.

Why can't it be sustainable? There is a shortage of housing..... that's what creates the market. We have a housing shortage crisis. That's not going to magically disappear.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 11:23

OP house prices have been rising for the last 30 years.
Houses that cost £250,000 now won't cost £180,000 in 2 years time.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 09/03/2022 11:33

If you really want to live together where he is then why not move into his place and carry on looking from there?

That way you'll be living together, in the area, you'll be settled work wise etc etc and if they are indeed reasons you aren't finding anywhere to rent, that issue will be solved.yes you'll have to make do for a bit but it's an option.

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