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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU here, me or DP?

68 replies

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 10:28

I'm in an LDR, my DP and I started talking about moving in together last year. We agreed DP's place was too small for 2 to live comfortably in, plus he's not entirely happy there for other reasons, so started looking for a new place local to him.

We could (just about) afford to buy, but DP feels the housing market is about to tank, and this isn't a good time. So we have been looking for a rental place since the summer.

Unfortunately we've not been successful in obtaining anywhere. The market is crazy in his area, on FB there are people constantly posting looking for properties to rent. We've looked in all the usual places - Rightmove, Open rent, on social media etc and applied for everything suitable. However there's a lot of competition for every place - usually at last 5 other applicants and sometimes as many as 10 or 20. We never get a reason why we've not been selected but reading between the lines I think it's been either because we're not already living together, we're not a family (a lot of places we've viewed have had other applicants with children), or we're not renting through the same agent. One place last week we got down to the final 2 we were asked how quickly we could move in. As DP can only give his notice on the 1st of the month we said 3-4 weeks as then DP would still be paying a month overlap - ie giving notice on 1 April and moving out on 1 May, but new tenancy starting late March/ early April - and we got rejected for that one, I guess because the other applicant said 'immediately'. We've had another couple of applications where the agents came back with questions like why I lived in another part of the country, whether I/we worked from home, and I think that's probably been reasons to reject us - likewise a couple of times we've asked if basic repairs (think cupboards hanging off, holes in carpets), repainting flaking or chipped paint and so on would be done, and again heard no more.

There's not really any more we can do as far as I can see. Our finances are ok, we have good credit and secure jobs, we pass the affordibility criteria. There's no obvious reason to reject us other than there's just so much demand.

The upshot of it all is DP is fed up, thinks it's completely pointless, and we need to stop looking. He said it's a waste of time, he's sick of going to viewings (this falls to him as I'm too far away) and we're never going to get anywhere if we haven't in the last 9 months so what's the point?

I see where he's coming from but equally if we stop looking we definitely won't find anything will we? He thinks we just have to make do as we are, and possibly next year the situation will change. I find that quite frustrating, and want to keep on with it, because surely at some point we will get somewhere, other people do so why not us?

So who's BU, or do we both have a point?

OP posts:

WouldIwasShookspeared · 09/03/2022 11:35

Oh, I saw the workplace calls thing.
Does he not work outside the home? There's no way you could do your hours while he's out?

2DogsOnMySofa · 09/03/2022 11:44

It can be soul destroying viewing so many houses and not being successful. Maybe give it a few months and then start again.

Original poster

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 12:32

I think DP expects prices not to fall per se, but in real terms - so for example a friend of mine is buying a house which costs 7x her salary; 20 years ago the same house would have been 2x her equivalent salary. That multiplier can't keep increasing indefinitely I don't think?

DP does also work from home most of the time so working while he's out isn't really an option.

Obviously as he's the one doing the viewings if he doesn't want to do any more for the foreseeable I'll have to accept that. But I'm just not sure how anything will be any different in a few months, the reasons for rejecting us as tenants, or preferring others, will be the same then.

OP posts:

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/03/2022 12:55

Why does he think it’s about to tank? Is he an expert?

Original poster

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 13:01

He's quite up on financial matters, watches/ listens to a lot of stuff suggesting that a recession/ house price crash, or at least a drop in real terms, is coming. There's a thread on here now saying the same, so I do think it's a view shared by a lot of people.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 13:04

How long are you willing to wait before you move in with him?

Because if there's no massive change in 2/3 years what happens then?

Ragruggers · 09/03/2022 13:05

If you are first time buyers ,look at shared ownership in his area surely better to buy even a basic 2 bed than rent at least you are on the ladder for the future.Do you have a decent deposit?Can’t see why you would rent if there is a choice.

needingpeace · 09/03/2022 13:09

Just rent a workspace or work from one of those places that got set up during Covid - the work from home office collectives. Cheaper than all the travelling. Put bulk of stuff into storage until ready to buy

PeacefulPrune · 09/03/2022 13:15

Why don't you just move in with him until you find a place? ...I suspect that he doesn't want that though, as he's not showing many signs of prioritising you two living together.

HollowTalk · 09/03/2022 13:19

@PeacefulPrune

Why don't you just move in with him until you find a place? ...I suspect that he doesn't want that though, as he's not showing many signs of prioritising you two living together.

Because she can't work from his home!

nearlyspringyay · 09/03/2022 13:20

House prices wont tank imo, you'll be waiting forever. If anything they'll go up as the pool gets smaller. People (including us) have decided not to move for the moment as I know we can manage the price rises in this house, if we go to a bigger house now I'd be shitting myself.

Momijin · 09/03/2022 13:24

I would rent a house where he lives. Then either live separately but a lot closer until you decide to buy or maybe both of you use one property as your office and live together in the other property. Job done.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 13:39

@Momijin

The whole point of the thread is they can't find a house to rent

DragonSnapCrimson · 09/03/2022 13:47

I don't really understand the comments of "he doesn't sound like he's that into you" and "doesn't sound like he wants to take the next step"? It sounds to me like he's sick of going to viewings (alone) only to be rejected constantly and needs a break from it.

Do bear in mind that he also might be feeling a bit of pressure, as imagine he goes to a viewing, says "this is the one", you get it and then things go wrong - he may feel like it's his fault for "choosing the wrong place" (all of that is just a thought, something that I would probably feel in his position).

I'd stop looking for properties for 2 or 3 months, take a breather and then dive back in.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 13:48

@DragonSnapCrimson it's because he's also refusing to buy (it's not the right time) and won't look anywhere outside of his area

steff13 · 09/03/2022 13:50

I agree. The mental gymnastics required to make that leap are worthy of Simone BIles.

Cocomarine · 09/03/2022 13:58

@Momijin

“Job done” 🤣 Well thank goodness you showed up! Did you actually read the OP?

AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/03/2022 13:59

I think YABU tbh. He's right about the market. Both about how busy it is just now and that it's likely to dip. It's difficult to get a rental and your inability to make viewings and his inability to say he'll move immediately mean you're unlikely to make it to the top of the list. You need to change your tactics if you want a different outcome and it seems you are both unable or unwilling to do so. I don't blame him for being tired of it. There's a degree of emotional investment and instability in looking at properties all the time too.

Hidingin · 09/03/2022 14:04

YABU because he’s not bothered about moving in with you and you haven’t noticed

He doesn’t want to buy a house
And he doesn’t want to rent a house
So…
There’s your answer

You’ve been together 8 years and not moved in together before now.
You don’t want to/ say you can’t move into his place together.
And you’re saying you’re going to wait 2-3 years until house prices drop, before you buy? So you save money? How much do you think they’re going to drop? What if they don’t? How much will you have saved when you factor in 3 years of rent instead of 3 years paying your own mortgage?

ThackeryBinks · 09/03/2022 14:36

How about hiring a storage unit for the time being? You pretty much put all your stuff in and he puts whatever he needs to in to create an office space for you. This gives you the time to look for a decent place together. The way fuel prices are going a few trips up and down will pay for the unit rental!

Original poster

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 14:45

Having looked into the cost of an office space, it would be more expensive than renting a large home. A storage unit would cost about the same, but due to the size/layout unless we removed the sofa or bed it wouldn't really help.

and tbh my concern would be even if I could move in temporarily, we'd be living pretty cramped and not necessarily a great start, when at least we are both living comfortably albeit separately at the moment. Me not living at the same address or attending viewings might not be the clincher in terms of finding a place to rent either, so we could end up stuck like that for months. Given I work fully from home, I really value my surroundings, possessions, outside space, etc. Living out of a suitcase for months in a flat just sounds miserable. And honestly I don't think DP would want that either.

OP posts:

Original poster

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 14:50

Sorry, a larger home, not a large home.

Just to add, DP does want to move, but thinks we're banging our heads against a wall currently, and in say 6 months the rental demand may have calmed down so it will be easier. Or in a couple of years we'll see a fall in house prices although I'd prefer not to be waiting that long for anything to change for us housewise.

Financially moving in together would benefit DP more than me as the places we are looking at are only 25-30% more expensive than his place but I'd be covering 50% of the costs.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 15:03

Why does he think the rental demand will calm down? It won't.
If anything landlords are going to start selling off their rental properties with the cost of living going up so there'll be shortages of private rentals.

DragonSnapCrimson · 09/03/2022 15:11

@girlmom21 But there could be 100 reasons why he doesn't want to buy or look outside of his area - not loving the OP enough seems a rather drastic one to jump to immediately, certainly when we don't know the OP and her partner at all. I have friends trying to buy with their partners right now who are stressed out of their minds and not recommending any of our other friends to even think about buying right now, they also don't want to consider any other areas because their entire lives are in this place and they don't want to have to "start again" - these reasons seem the most obvious to me.

Steff big time hahahah

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 15:19

@DragonSnapCrimson I dunno - I think if your priority is living with your partner of 8 years who's willing to move 200 miles away to be with you you make sacrifices and will be willing to stretch your search perimeters by 20 or 30 miles.

I'm buying a house at the moment and it's pretty relaxed because we've gone in reasonably open-minded to find what works for us.

Naturally he might have really specific reasons he doesn't want to move further but OP hasn't said that so it's just as much of an assumption as people looking at it the other way round.

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