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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is BU here, me or DP?

68 replies

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 10:28

I'm in an LDR, my DP and I started talking about moving in together last year. We agreed DP's place was too small for 2 to live comfortably in, plus he's not entirely happy there for other reasons, so started looking for a new place local to him.

We could (just about) afford to buy, but DP feels the housing market is about to tank, and this isn't a good time. So we have been looking for a rental place since the summer.

Unfortunately we've not been successful in obtaining anywhere. The market is crazy in his area, on FB there are people constantly posting looking for properties to rent. We've looked in all the usual places - Rightmove, Open rent, on social media etc and applied for everything suitable. However there's a lot of competition for every place - usually at last 5 other applicants and sometimes as many as 10 or 20. We never get a reason why we've not been selected but reading between the lines I think it's been either because we're not already living together, we're not a family (a lot of places we've viewed have had other applicants with children), or we're not renting through the same agent. One place last week we got down to the final 2 we were asked how quickly we could move in. As DP can only give his notice on the 1st of the month we said 3-4 weeks as then DP would still be paying a month overlap - ie giving notice on 1 April and moving out on 1 May, but new tenancy starting late March/ early April - and we got rejected for that one, I guess because the other applicant said 'immediately'. We've had another couple of applications where the agents came back with questions like why I lived in another part of the country, whether I/we worked from home, and I think that's probably been reasons to reject us - likewise a couple of times we've asked if basic repairs (think cupboards hanging off, holes in carpets), repainting flaking or chipped paint and so on would be done, and again heard no more.

There's not really any more we can do as far as I can see. Our finances are ok, we have good credit and secure jobs, we pass the affordibility criteria. There's no obvious reason to reject us other than there's just so much demand.

The upshot of it all is DP is fed up, thinks it's completely pointless, and we need to stop looking. He said it's a waste of time, he's sick of going to viewings (this falls to him as I'm too far away) and we're never going to get anywhere if we haven't in the last 9 months so what's the point?

I see where he's coming from but equally if we stop looking we definitely won't find anything will we? He thinks we just have to make do as we are, and possibly next year the situation will change. I find that quite frustrating, and want to keep on with it, because surely at some point we will get somewhere, other people do so why not us?

So who's BU, or do we both have a point?

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 15:19

@Hidingin

YABU because he’s not bothered about moving in with you and you haven’t noticed

He doesn’t want to buy a house
And he doesn’t want to rent a house
So…
There’s your answer

You’ve been together 8 years and not moved in together before now.
You don’t want to/ say you can’t move into his place together.
And you’re saying you’re going to wait 2-3 years until house prices drop, before you buy? So you save money? How much do you think they’re going to drop? What if they don’t? How much will you have saved when you factor in 3 years of rent instead of 3 years paying your own mortgage?

this
DragonSnapCrimson · 09/03/2022 15:33

@girlmom21 Yes, of course. It just sounds to me that its more likely a case of he's sick of the disappointment and hassle without results and could do with a break. OP already seems upset and stressed out (as to be expected) with all this and the last thing she probably needs is strangers online telling her he's not serious with her and that they'd be leaving him over this 🤷🏻‍♀️

DragonSnapCrimson · 09/03/2022 15:35

And I think the house buying depends on the area. My brother is in the process now with his girlfriend and they're ripping their hair out over it. The stories they've told me about being messed about left right and centre are just completely insane.

Brefugee · 09/03/2022 15:36

you need to save up to cover the double rent period and tell the prospective landlord you can move in immediately.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 15:39

@DragonSnapCrimson

And I think the house buying depends on the area. My brother is in the process now with his girlfriend and they're ripping their hair out over it. The stories they've told me about being messed about left right and centre are just completely insane.
Yeah to be fair our first buyer went awol then pulled out and our first seller went awol too.

Now we've got a buyer who's selling to a first time buyer and we've found a house with no onward chain.

We've got helpful solicitors and estate agents too so we're probably very lucky

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 15:40

We're looking in a radius of about 30-45 minutes from where DP lives, so not a specific small area, but it's mostly villages and small towns as a whole so there's not 100s of houses to choose from. Anywhere further afield and too rural is also a risk that the broadband isn't good enough for work as well. We're not only looking in 1 town or anything. DP originally moved back here for family reasons and needs to be relatively local still for that.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 15:45

@j89vsd

We're looking in a radius of about 30-45 minutes from where DP lives, so not a specific small area, but it's mostly villages and small towns as a whole so there's not 100s of houses to choose from. Anywhere further afield and too rural is also a risk that the broadband isn't good enough for work as well. We're not only looking in 1 town or anything. DP originally moved back here for family reasons and needs to be relatively local still for that.
Is there anything further afield that's easily commutable? You've probably already looked but we've found places we'd initially written off are actually much more accessible than we expected.

Alternatively, have you tried Facebook marketplace or asked on local community pages? If you're willing to deal directly with a landlord they might be worth a try. You'll also be able to hear about houses that might be becoming vacant before they're advertised

Arucanafeather · 09/03/2022 15:48

Personally, if you haven’t lived together then renting together first for at least a year is better than buying together irrespective of how long you’ve been together. It’s a big step change in a relationship. It sounds as thought you’re doing the rightmove search to find places, have you checked local papers and also put on local Facebook pages that you’re looking to rent? I know people who’ve got houses that way.
I know that renting office space is more expensive but if you can swallow that cost, I would consider that for now. Depends on why the move to live together after 8 years.

AlternativePerspective · 09/03/2022 15:50

“He’s not that into you” is a mn favourite.

At the moment he’s doing all the legwork running round to properties doing viewing (and no, ringing up estate agents and arranging viewings isn’t comparable. Going to viewing after viewing after viewing is soul destroying, especially when you’re in competition for the houses anyway.

A PP just said that “if anything landlords will be selling off their houses meaning there will be a shortage of rentals,” that’s as maybe, but if there is a shortage of rentals due to properties being sold, then there will be an increase in properties to buy, so it’s a win win either way.

WRT buying, wrt we’re in a seller’s market. It’s virtually impossible to buy right now because as soon as houses come on to the market they’re snapped up. I know quite a few people who have sold their own properties, only to find they’re unable to proceed because all the houses they want to view drop off the market under offer before they’ve even had a chance to view them.

As you’ve been together for 8 years waiting a few months for a rental to come up really isn’t that big a deal. Besides which moving etc in the current financial climate really isn’t advisable given we currently have no idea what is going to happen with the cost of living, recession, potential for job losses etc.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 15:53

A PP just said that “if anything landlords will be selling off their houses meaning there will be a shortage of rentals,” that’s as maybe, but if there is a shortage of rentals due to properties being sold, then there will be an increase in properties to buy, so it’s a win win either way.

It's not the number of properties to buy that's the problem. He doesn't want to pay the current going rate for a property, which will almost certainly not cost more then he's paying in rent

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 16:00

The same people are posting on local facebook pages week after week, and never get any responses other than to try letting agents (who are just the same ones as on Rightmove). I've not put a post on there yet but it doesn't seem very successful judging by them. We do look on Open rent too but there's only been a handful on there since last year.

The reason for doing it now is because pre Covid I worked local to here, so needed to live in this area (and DP needed to live where he is for family). We'd originally planned to live together a few years ago, before DP needed to move. Then it was on hold until I could find a similar job in DPs local area and then move. But before I found one Covid intervened and now I'm working from home and can live anywhere, which made the move possible now.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/03/2022 16:02

Can you not just continue as you are without moving? Honestly it sounds like you have a nice stable relationship. And this has rocked the boat.

If not financially viable then just don't do it.

You don't HAVE to live together.

j89vsd · 09/03/2022 16:11

Financially DP pays £500 rent. We're looking at places for £700-800 per month. Our mortgage would be for about £150-170k, so repayments probably wouldn't be much different to that higher rent. Some of the houses currently for sale in our to buy budget (up to £200k), were sold for £160k or less a couple of years ago.

We can of course stay as we are indefinitely. I was just looking forward to the possibility of a joint place. But we can put that on hold for 6-12 months.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 09/03/2022 16:12

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Can you not just continue as you are without moving? Honestly it sounds like you have a nice stable relationship. And this has rocked the boat.

If not financially viable then just don't do it.

You don't HAVE to live together.

Would you be happy not living with your partner after 8 years? If not, why advise OP to do this?
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/03/2022 16:42

Totally happy with it thanks.

Planning on getting married this year and maintaining separate homes. It works for us. Not planning on moving in at all.

Appreciate it doesn't work for everyone else, but neither does the 'Oh what's wrong with you if you don't move in together after a couple of years?' mentality.

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 16:43

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Totally happy with it thanks.

Planning on getting married this year and maintaining separate homes. It works for us. Not planning on moving in at all.

Appreciate it doesn't work for everyone else, but neither does the 'Oh what's wrong with you if you don't move in together after a couple of years?' mentality.

Are you also hours away from your partner?
TheCatterall · 09/03/2022 21:40

The rental market has been grim for over a year. I had a lodger looking for his own place - had a deposit, could move in same week, references, good job etc etc. It took him over 6 months to find a 1 bed flat. I have friends that have taken the leap and bought a house as it was easier to buy than rent!! We rent 8 properties out and the amount of enquiries I have to deal with is unreal. I haven’t seen anything like this in the 15 years I’ve dealt with the properties.

Let him have a break. The constant rejections and visits must be stressful. Pick it up again in the summer?

j89vsd · 10/03/2022 12:43

We're going to leave it a few months at least. Possibly not much will have changed by then but at least hopefully DP will feel less fatigued by the process.

OP posts:
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