AIBU/ AITB? Housewife Woes

[noWay0ut]

Bit of background for context:

My husband has a great job, which he loves. He works 50-60 hours a week and earns lots of money.

I no longer work. Long story. Took a year out for health reasons and now can’t get back into the industry or income bracket I left.

Please note: I work freelance and part time. I also volunteer 3-4 days a week. And I have my own income.

AITB?

My husband does nothing around the house. No thing. I’m always surprised when he flushes the toilet for himself. If I ask him to take his cup into the Kitchen before bed or clean the sink after he has shaved he tells me “not my job”.

He throws a wobbly if I ask him to take the kitchen bin bag out to the dustbin or put his own clean pants in the drawer he is standing next to.

He tells me I lack attention to detail in my housekeeping. I tell him I am not “staff”.

He told me he finally wiped a small grubby mark off a wall at the weekend after waiting weeks to see if I’d do it.

I know. I know. I know. It all sounds so petty. There are people losing their lives and their homes in Ukraine. However- I can’t live like this for much longer.

P.S. I’m forbidden from hiring a Cleaner unless I return to working 40+ hours a week.

N.B. I have my own money. The house is perfectly clean and tidy, albeit “lived in”.

AIBU?

The relationship sounds unhealthy and controlling.

It's not unreasonable in itself, if one partner works outside the home much longer hours than the other, for that to be reflected in the allocation of domestic chores, but that doesn't mean your husband can expect you to wait on him hand and foot and meekly accept his 'appraisals' of your housekeeping.

Why would you put up with a man telling you that you are "forbidden" from doing something? Honestly, why? If you aren't relying on his income then what is the purpose of him? Has he a solid gold cock?

What was he like before you quit work? Was he on board with you doing so?

He works a lot, but no one is too busy to move their dirty cup. He doesn’t respect you at all.

He’s a wanking wanker. Do you own your house and how much money is there in equity? Can you afford to leave on your PT salary? Because I’d move heaven and earth to be single vs staying with someone like that.

‘I no longer work. Please note I work freelance and part time’
What?
You picked a shit bloke. You know you’re in a controlling marriage?

You must know you're NBU in any way other than putting up with it. He can't forbid you. He's not your boss and it's not your job to clean up after him. It's meant to be a partnership but clearly he's incapable of that. Fuck him. Push back and see where it leads. It can't go on like this. Even if he doesn't respect you, you need self-respect. Flushing his turds for him will not help with that.

Why on earth are you not already divorced? No reason to stay and be treated as vermin just to have a man. Enjoy your life instead of throw it away.

He's a wanker.

"Forbidden"??? Seriously LTB.

You do undertake paid work, thank goodness. The money from that can be your escape fund.

He's treating you like a cleaner he doesn't like and has no respect for. He's not treating you like an equal. Not cleaning up after himself is disgusting, but telling you it's your job is worse!

Has he always been like this?? Is he ever nice to you??

Get rid of him

I'd tell him to fuck off, and invoice him for your time as his housekeeper and nanny!

DH will be home before me tonight, he will have hoovered and laid the table ready for dinner (he won't have cooked because that's my domain) also put a wash on ready to be hung up after dinner. I'll bath the kids while he clears down after my cooking - and we will both sit down with a big sigh at around 8:30.

If he expected me to clean his sink after shaving or move his cup, well.....he wouldn't be my husband.

Why are you describing yourself as not working if you do actually both paid and volunteer work? You need to start viewing yourself with more value.

Absolute grade A fucking wanker.

He sees you as a maid he can have sex with. If you even do. I don't think I could shag a man like that. He would be a complete turn off.

I just wouldn't put up with this at all. I couldn't permanently live this way. It sounds miserable.

Have you got kids?

Why on earth are you with this Dick OP?

How much would you get in a divorce? Enough to afford a nice little place of your own, I suspect, leaving him to wallow in his own filth and self importance.

No DC?

Eurgh. This would kill any attraction stone dead for me.

Fair enough, you do more if you have more free time, but cleaning his hair off the sink? Does he expect you to scrub the bowl after he shits too?

What? Just what the absolute fuck?

Can you explain to us why you haven't divorced him op?

Because no one reading this is going to have a clue from what you've posted.

It isn't the who should do what that is relevant here. It's the appalling way he treats you.

Apologies. That should have read “I no longer work 40 hours a week”.

Also - “forbidden” is an emotive word. DH says it would be ridiculous and lazy of me to pay for a Cleaner.

I'm so glad I'm single.

I also don't understand why you're still with him

He treats you like you are a piece of shit only good for clearing up after him.

So - just to check I did actually read this - you ask him if he can rinse the sink after he’s shaved and his response is “not my job.”

Surely this can’t be for real?

I don’t really know what to say. Could you please explain why and how you are still with this individual - and how you came to be with him in the first place?

Was he always like this?

I mean, obviously, you need to leave him already.

Also - “forbidden” is an emotive word. DH says it would be ridiculous and lazy of me to pay for a Cleaner.

That doesn't make it any better. It's weird that of all the bigger issues, you focus on the semantics. He's still a twat regardless of whether he strictly forbids or belittles and disempowers you.