AIBU/ AITB? Housewife Woes

[noWay0ut]

Bit of background for context:

My husband has a great job, which he loves. He works 50-60 hours a week and earns lots of money.

I no longer work. Long story. Took a year out for health reasons and now can’t get back into the industry or income bracket I left.

Please note: I work freelance and part time. I also volunteer 3-4 days a week. And I have my own income.

AITB?

My husband does nothing around the house. No thing. I’m always surprised when he flushes the toilet for himself. If I ask him to take his cup into the Kitchen before bed or clean the sink after he has shaved he tells me “not my job”.

He throws a wobbly if I ask him to take the kitchen bin bag out to the dustbin or put his own clean pants in the drawer he is standing next to.

He tells me I lack attention to detail in my housekeeping. I tell him I am not “staff”.

He told me he finally wiped a small grubby mark off a wall at the weekend after waiting weeks to see if I’d do it.

I know. I know. I know. It all sounds so petty. There are people losing their lives and their homes in Ukraine. However- I can’t live like this for much longer.

P.S. I’m forbidden from hiring a Cleaner unless I return to working 40+ hours a week.

N.B. I have my own money. The house is perfectly clean and tidy, albeit “lived in”.

AIBU?

Totally dependent on him.

But you have your own income. And sound smart and capable and like you're doing everything so really he's depending on you, not vice versa. I get that the thought of starting over is overwhelming but you'll feel so much better when you're free of his deadweight dragging you down and you can move back to where you feel wanted and secure and start over one step at a time. Don't think of a big scary insurmountable start over. Focus on the first step and the very positive one of releasing yourself from this abusive drudgery.

I assume he has some redeeming features?

@starfishmummy

I assume he has some redeeming features?

Can you see redeeming features in a many who tries to trip his wife up about not having cleaned up a stain? FFS. He's a sadist.

OP I think you need to get some counselling. For whatever reason you seem unable to move past the fear of leaving and I think that's understandable but you must work on this. In no conceivable scenario could leaving him be worse than staying with him. You just need to get comfortable with it.

you say starting over again makes you want to vomit but surely living in a bedsit by yourself is preferable than living with this absolute cunt? I know what I'd choose.

OP, I'm so sorry.

You deserve to be in a healthy relationship (if you want one) with someone who cares about you.

This is not that.

@noWay0ut

I thought it was for my best interests. Now I think differently. I really wonder if this was where he wanted me. At home. No longer in a “career”. Living a long way from family and friends. Totally dependent on him.

Lots of people asking why I stay. The thought of starting over again makes me want to vomit.

When you're in a coercive or controlling relationship it can seem almost impossible to leave. That is part of the dynamic. That is an effect of someone abusing you. One can be 'beaten down', gaslighted, undermined and disorientated to such an extent that we lose faith in our ability to look after ourselves.

OP you are so much stronger than you believe you are. And it's never too late.

And this is exactly why so many women love living on their own, unaccountable to no one.
l would hire a cleaner and not tell him.

It is specularly unsexy of a man to be sooooo lazy.

While I wouldn't expect him to do 50/50 housework I would expect him to do a proportionate amount.

He needs a task to be fully in charge of. In my house DH is responsible for the bathroom. I refuse to touch it. If it's not clean then that's on him.

A psychologist I worked with said women find it problematic to have a sexual relationship with someone they are also parenting, for obvious reasons. Men really ought to know about that more. I’m sure it would help them step up their game.

I just booked one and gave her a key. If he wanted to think I was lazy etc, he can think it. It’s my time. I’d just agree I was spending my time on other more valuable stuff and move on.

He has zero respect for you and makes it pretty obvious, no wonder you don't want to be intimate with him!
Write down your pros and cons for leaving/ staying and start making plans

You may be at home doing the lions share but you are in no way responsible for picking up after another adult. He needs telling that.

Personally I think you have bigger problems than the housekeeping though.

How many hours do you actually work? Also, why does it matter that you have your own money? Should a wife do more housework if she comes from a poor family? 🤔

Your husband sounds like a dick though.

The thought of starting over again makes me want to vomit

But surely the thought of staying is even worse.

Do you want this for the rest of your life?

Move back near your family and friend. They will support you with a fresh start, away from that piece of shit.

If I knew someone I loved was living this life, I'd be doing everything I could to get them back home.

OP, which makes you want to vomit more? Leaving and starting all over again or spending the rest of your life being treated like this and always feeling the way you do now?

You deserve happiness and to feel loved amd respected, and you will not find that here. In fact I think this will get worse as time goes on.
Being reluctant to leave is all part of being in a relationship like this. Please find the strength to consider leaving.

"The thought of starting over again makes me want to vomit"

More than the thought of living the rest of your life as a miserable, lonely, extremely sad domestic appliance?

Change is scary op, but the first step is the hardest.

I will bet my house (and I love my house) on the fact that if you leave him, you will be happier in the end (and probably far far quicker than you think) than if you stay.

When I divorced my ex, and he was no where near as big an arsehole as yours, within two weeks I realised I was free, the load was off my shoulders, and I just started skipping down the street.

Unreasonble to not be allowed a cleaner. Why not.

“ If I ask him to take his cup into the Kitchen before bed or clean the sink after he has shaved he tells me “not my job”. ”

I’d have decked him there and then.

Lots of people asking why I stay. The thought of starting over again makes me want to vomit.

That’s weird because the the thought of being a slave to a pig of a husband makes me want to vomit! OP you don’t need a man for anything. Free yourself and LTB.

It doesn't sound petty to me - I couldn't stand to live like this . YANBU . LTB

He sounds like a nasty piece of shit. You need to value yoursekf more. He clearly does not see you as human, let alone his equal.

He sounds abusive and controlling. Sounds like he has no respect for you. LTB

He's a controlling wanker. Work on qualifying to get back into well paid work and dump him.

Staying with him would make me want to vomit far more than working

If he earns silly money then a cleaner is insignificant! What does he spend it on?