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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell in laws when baby is coming and....

59 replies

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 14:06

We already have 2 DC, MIL & FIL hardly bother with them. Last time they came was October I think neither work or have any responsibilities. Don't ring or text asking about them at all.

It was recently my birthday and they didn't even text so I know MIL is in a mood with us as FIL has never missed a birthday text in 7 years and she pulls the strings when she is around.

AIBU to not tell them when DC3 is going to be born / tell them when I'm ready? (Planned c-section)

Also what does everyone think about them coming round to see the baby? My opinion is if they can't bother with the 2 we already have why do they need to cuddle the baby

OP posts:

Adm1010 · 07/03/2022 14:12

It sounds like a difficult relationship , but your baby is not a commodity to bargain or punish with . I’d let your DH lead with what he wants .

GreenTeaMom · 07/03/2022 14:13

No you don’t have to tell anyone before the baby is born, but yes you would be unreasonable to stop them meeting the baby.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/03/2022 14:16

@Adm1010

It sounds like a difficult relationship , but your baby is not a commodity to bargain or punish with . I’d let your DH lead with what he wants .

Agree with this.

Sparticuscaticus · 07/03/2022 14:33

It's up to you and DH who you tell the date of c section etc and if or when you tell people that your 3rd baby is born. And then who visits when ...

You sound fed up with your PILs. I'd focus on yourself, your lovely family and exciting baby in the way and decide what you feel at the time.

Realitydawning98 · 07/03/2022 16:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Porcupineintherough · 07/03/2022 16:12

You dont have to volunteer any info but I'd answer if asked rather than make it "a big deal". I think YABU about meeting the new baby (although I dont think they need to be round immediately). If they are pretty disengaged then very occasional meetings for particularly big events (like a new baby) might be the extent of their relationship with their grandchildren . Why cut them (grandchildren) off from the little bit of attention they do get? They wont mind that they dont see their grandparents lots, or that they arent involved in their daily lives, as that's not what they know.

RoseAndRose · 07/03/2022 16:31

You need not tell anyone the exact date, unless they're going to be involved in caring for your older DC. Birth is always better announced when it's happened, not whilst the process is underway.

Leave it to DH to announce the birth. Then wait to see what happens.

PP is correct that the baby is a person who will have his or her relationship with wider family and is not a punishment or bargaining chip

babyjellyfish · 07/03/2022 16:45

Your baby is not a bargaining chip, OP.

And if your in laws are as disinterested as you say, s/he wouldn't be a very good bargaining chip anyway.

You don't have to tell them the date of your C-section. If you weren't having one then nobody would know the date in advance anyway, including you.

But when the baby is born you and your husband should both announce the birth to your parents, and invite both sets of grandparents to come and meet the baby (I'm assuming your parents are in the picture here) once you are feeling up to having visitors.

JustLyra · 07/03/2022 16:47

What does your DH want to do?

Original poster

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 16:49

I didn't mean it as a bargaining chip I just meant in general don't come round ever again especially if the only reason will be to get newborn cuddles.

OP posts:

Laiste · 07/03/2022 16:51

DH and i didn't tell either sets of parents when i went into be induced. We weren't going to tell them if/when i'd gone into labour either.

There's enough pressure and weirdness when you're having a baby without knowing everyone is sitting waiting for updates.

PLUS we didn't want everyone gearing up for rushing round to visit the second we got home.

It's up to you two who to tell and when.

Original poster

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 16:52

@JustLyra

What does your DH want to do?

DH said he doesn't care about anyone else and will let them know when I'm ready, I said probably the day I get home.

MIL has a tendency to either throw a fit or show up uninvited, so would prefer that to be when I'm home and comfortable!

She cried when DC1 was born because we didn't tell her I was in labour even though DH rang her the second she was born and had an argument on the phone whilst the doctors were helping me, she did not care I was bleeding

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/03/2022 16:54

We didn’t tell the in-laws because they always make everything about them. Then we went low contact.

Original poster

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 16:57

@babyjellyfish

Your baby is not a bargaining chip, OP.

And if your in laws are as disinterested as you say, s/he wouldn't be a very good bargaining chip anyway.

You don't have to tell them the date of your C-section. If you weren't having one then nobody would know the date in advance anyway, including you.

My mum will know when the c-section is as she has offered to come and help with the house and DC2 once we are home and my Dsis will have the children so she will know obviously.

I just can't be bothered with the fall out from MIL again!

OP posts:

JustLyra · 07/03/2022 16:57

Given your DH is fine with that (I was NC with my parents so I’m always wary on here when people are trying to push more contact with their in laws against their partners wishes - it’s bizarre how often it happens) then do that.

I’d just message when you message everyone else.

Maybe add a clear visiting window to their text if you want to try and limit them just appearing.

JudgeRindersMinder · 07/03/2022 17:00

No wonder people have bad relationships with extended family members when they engage in this tit for tat behaviour. All this does is sows the seeds for more bad feeling in a family. Life’s too short to carry on like this

Laiste · 07/03/2022 17:10

You can call it ''tit for tat'' or you can call it protecting yourself from what some folk have to put up with from their extended family.

When you've been burned a few times you learn to keep fire at arm's length.

Eightiesfan · 07/03/2022 17:10

You don’t really speak to them so just tell them when you are ready, whether that is the day you come home or after. Personally, I can’t think of anything worse than having PIL visit the day I come out of hospital. I would make them wait a couple of weeks.

Ottolin3 · 07/03/2022 17:28

@Laiste

You can call it ''tit for tat'' or you can call it protecting yourself from what some folk have to put up with from their extended family.

When you've been burned a few times you learn to keep fire at arm's length.

Totally agree with this, I keep toxic behaviour at an arms length, my MIL being one… focus on yourself, sounds like it’s going to be difficult either way…

Original poster

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 17:29

@JudgeRindersMinder that isn't the case at all we have tried over the years with these people and nothing is ever good enough.

Example
"You can come and see DC when ever you like please just let us know in advance"

Not good enough they want to show up out of the blue when ever they want to OR we should go to them all the time!

MIL likes to cause arguments with DH and doesn't care if the children are there.

OP posts:

Original poster

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 17:32

@Eightiesfan oh they definitely won't be visiting for a few days / until I'm ready and if they do decide to they won't be holding the baby! I'll be in bed recovering with my boobs out trying to get to grips with breastfeeding after being cut open!

I have trauma for DC1 after MIL over stayed her welcome and wouldn't give the baby back I cried in the bathroom until DH found me and shipped her off! Never ever again.

OP posts:

Fernandina · 07/03/2022 17:37

Just announce the arrival once it has happened.

JudgeRindersMinder · 07/03/2022 17:45

[quote 1namechanged]@JudgeRindersMinder that isn't the case at all we have tried over the years with these people and nothing is ever good enough.

Example
"You can come and see DC when ever you like please just let us know in advance"

Not good enough they want to show up out of the blue when ever they want to OR we should go to them all the time!

MIL likes to cause arguments with DH and doesn't care if the children are there.[/quote]
It’s obviously your relationship and you know all the ins and outs, I obviously have a few years on you, have different experiences and have no surviving parents or in-laws and with the experiences I’ve lived through, it’s not a hill I would die on.

DogsAndGin · 07/03/2022 17:58

@Adm1010

It sounds like a difficult relationship , but your baby is not a commodity to bargain or punish with . I’d let your DH lead with what he wants .

I think it’s also important to consider what the mother wants - she’s just birthed a baby, it’s not just for the father to decide when she’s ready for visitors. I’d say, YOU are the one who should lead this, and I don’t think UABU to not bother with mil and fil.

Original poster

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 18:24

@JudgeRindersMinder I grew up with 1 grandparent, I always wanted my DC to have grandparents but not if that means having to put in all the effort and have our mental health effected, my own dad wasn't putting the work in and we had a short fall out over Christmas the difference is I told him he wasn't making an effort and he listened, he now comes once a week to see the DC, if you try and have an adult conversation with MIL she stops speaking for 6 months +

OP posts:

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