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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell in laws when baby is coming and....

59 replies

1namechanged · 07/03/2022 14:06

We already have 2 DC, MIL & FIL hardly bother with them. Last time they came was October I think neither work or have any responsibilities. Don't ring or text asking about them at all.

It was recently my birthday and they didn't even text so I know MIL is in a mood with us as FIL has never missed a birthday text in 7 years and she pulls the strings when she is around.

AIBU to not tell them when DC3 is going to be born / tell them when I'm ready? (Planned c-section)

Also what does everyone think about them coming round to see the baby? My opinion is if they can't bother with the 2 we already have why do they need to cuddle the baby Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
1namechanged · 07/03/2022 18:26

@DogsAndGin DH is on the same page luckily but he suffers with mental health problems, his mother is a trigger for him and it's hard trying to balance what I want/need and setting MIL off which then triggers poor DH Sad

OP posts:
chiangmai · 07/03/2022 18:31

i wouldnt be happy either ...they seem totally disinterested...is she someone who turns up hogs the baby , takes lots of photos pretending to be granny of the year and gets lots of posiitve comments via facebook. I would be clear with boundaries, she can visit for an hour on a set day and leave. I am upset and angry for you that she took your older baby and wouldnt hand them back and it took your DH finding you sobbing to step in...

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2022 18:44

@1namechanged

I didn't mean it as a bargaining chip I just meant in general don't come round ever again Blush especially if the only reason will be to get newborn cuddles.
Does your DH not want to know why his mother's got the hump?
Flubadubba · 07/03/2022 19:41

I am possibly biased, but that is because I didn't tell ANYONE my due date with DD1. Husband only told our parents I was in labour when it went a bit awry at 2am, and they weren't sure how it would end...

Do what you need to. If you are on the same page, and It's going to make things more stressful then I wouldn't tell her. She sounds like a nightmare.

Ionlydomassiveones · 07/03/2022 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
1namechanged · 07/03/2022 20:37

@Nanny0gg No he doesn't want to hear how awful we are and everything she hates about us Confused for them then to argue and fall out for how ever long!

OP posts:
Original poster
1namechanged · 07/03/2022 20:39

@Ionlydomassiveones we don't bother with them, if they ring or text DH will reply but we don't make effort to see or speak to them but obviously I know what MIL is like and when the due date approaches we will get more calls and texts and maybe even a visit Hmm

OP posts:
ohCARP · 07/03/2022 20:40

Do they know which month you're due? Could you put it back a month to give yourself some breathing space? I never tell anyone my exact due date either because I don't want to be hassled.

Chely · 07/03/2022 20:44

We didn't tell my inlaws when my last c-section was booked for, only told my parents as my mum was looking after the older ones. Baby decided to come a day earlier anyway. On the visiting front they can come if and when you feel up to it, if they do come dh has to make sure they do not outstay their welcome.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/03/2022 20:46

Personally I would wait until she asks if the dc had arrived...

justamumseekingadvice · 07/03/2022 20:46

@1namechanged if you’re saying they aren’t allowed to hold the baby because of you getting to grips with BF and recovering then I REALLY hope your family aren’t allowed to hold the baby either - it needs to be fair on both sides.

justamumseekingadvice · 07/03/2022 20:47

@1namechanged honestly your reasons sound very pathetic and tit-for-tat and controlling over your new baby - it’s very sad that your baby isn’t even here yet and the only relationship they will have with that set of GP, you’re already trying to destroy. Very petty.

mrdarcyfan · 07/03/2022 20:58

You should let your in-laws see the baby once it's born.It is their grandchild.Then it is up to them if they want to be more involved.If they don't change the level of support and interest they currently show at least you know you did your best.My MIL had virtually no interest in my children although her daughters children were the centre of the universe.She was blatant in her favouritism.Now,she has lost out because she barely sees them.You reap what you sow.

Original poster
1namechanged · 07/03/2022 21:02

@justamumseekingadvice no one will be coming round in the first few days thank you.

They will obviously be allowed to hold the baby WHEN they are invited to come round if they decide to show up without warning then no they won't, I'm sure the baby won't remember the one visit they do make when he is born Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
1namechanged · 07/03/2022 21:03

@mrdarcyfan they don't bother with SIL DC either, actually they are even worse and only contact their daughter when they want something from her Confused

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ButtockUp · 07/03/2022 21:10

You clearly don't have much of a relationship with them as you've said that you don't think that either of them work or have any responsibilities.
Why don't you know if they even work?

That being said, if you're not close enough to them to know if they even work, then you don't really owe them anything.
Just invite them to the Christening.

billy1966 · 07/03/2022 21:18

If they are triggering for your husbands MH, why have anything to do with them?

Your children need a well father.

Stay clear of them.

Helendee · 07/03/2022 21:26

How much effort do you make with them?
Maybe they don’t bother much these days for a reason?
Only you know that I guess.

Babyboomtastic · 07/03/2022 21:28

So from your perspective, they hardly bother with your family, and when they do, are intrusive and don't give you adequate warning.

From their perspective, you both don't bother with them at all, and they have to do all the running (ie you'll respond you texts/calls but won't contact them first).

You both sound as bad as eachother and totally uninterested in having a decent relationship with eachother.

Given you and your husband (and it's on him really as he is their son) don't ever contact them, of course they aren't going to be involved grandparents.

SpaceFarce · 07/03/2022 21:39

I had a planned c section and didn’t tell my in-laws. Let them know when she was here; I think she was a couple of hours old. They’d have made it all about them anyway.

Original poster
1namechanged · 08/03/2022 09:50

@ButtockUp it should have been

Last time they came was October I think, neither work or have any responsibilities.

OP posts:
Original poster
1namechanged · 08/03/2022 09:59

@billy1966 we do stay away as much as possible which can be months at a time.

@Helendee in the beginning we used to go round a lot, we lived round the corner and they never came to us. When MIL went away for some time FIL came frequently and text DH a lot more, as soon as she returned it stopped.

@Babyboomtastic our eldest DC used to ring them frequently and then they started ignoring the calls / never rang back so we stopped her contacting them because of this, they obviously didn't want to be bothered and as I've previously said MIL will have arguments with DH in front of the children so unless the children ask to go round when we are in the area we avoid it.

@SpaceFarce Yes MIL would ring constantly until we sent pics over Hmm

OP posts:
Dentistlakes · 08/03/2022 10:08

Treat everyone the same. Any other approach breeds resentment and never ends well. I treat my parent abs ILs the same. My PIL are not my parents but they are equal to them in terms of their relationship with their grandchildren. How they choose to develop their relationship with their grandchildren is up to them, but I never limit or manage their access if they do something I don’t like. The only exception to that would be if their behaviour was causing danger or harm to my children.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 08/03/2022 10:55

It all sounds very transactional. Keeping a note of who called when and who returned calls; rewarding your DM and DSIS with information and baby cuddles because they babysit.

There is no rule that says GPs have to be intimately involved in their GCs' lives. Weekly visits seem ott but you seem to have guilted your DF into committing to them. I think you have very unrealistic expectations and sound controlling.

Access to you and access to your DCs are two different things. They are different relationships. It's also not healthy to be spending so much time focusing on controlling that relationship and punishing them if they don't act the way you want, rather than focusing on your pregnancy. You're seeking out stress that you don't need.

BadgersBum · 08/03/2022 11:00

Seeing as they haven't phoned on your birthday or to ask about their other grandchildren, I'd probably just wait until they contact you rather than phoning them to tell them. If the baby is already here by the time they get round to it then so be it.