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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row with friend over male/female friendships.

66 replies

downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:10

Myself and friend work in office and a very attractive young early 20s girl works with us. The guys obviously like her and believe me this thread is not about jealously-more about perspectives and boundaries.

Anyway a young male colleague the same age as her joined soon after her and she started inviting him out to bars 1 on 1 and to hang out with him. This lead to him trying to kiss her and she rejected it which lead to a row between them as he became clingy to her.

Anyway colleague who I am mates with told me and I pointed out that perhaps it was a bad idea for her to be asking him out 1 on 1 as he'd likely get the wrong idea. I pointed out that if a man were to ask me out for drinks 1 and 1 etc that I'd think he fancied me and that many people would take this idea regardless of gender.

Colleague got mad with me and said I was sexist etc. I said I wasn't and that I'd say the same for both genders. I am not saying men and women can't be friends but I know I will get roasted for saying this but she's a very attractive young women so of course a man would likely want more from her if she was asking him out 1 on 1 to cinema etc. I would say the exact same btw if it was an attractive man asking women out 1 on 1 to bars etc-that many women would get the idea he fancied her and would want more if she was accepted. So please don't start this into a sexist thread when I apply it to both genders.

Friend/colleague didn't take it well but just back story is that friend has lead men on before by going on holiday or away for wkends away with men 1 on 1 she knows who like her but she tells me she has no interest in sleeping with them or having anything romantic with them.

I don't find that appropriate as I would not go away for wkends with a man that I know fancies me when I have no interest in him as it's giving him false hope. AIBU here or what?

OP posts:
Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:12

I would say the exact same btw if it was an attractive man asking women out 1 on 1 to bars etc-that many women would get the idea he fancied her and would want more if she was accepted

If she accepted the offer to go out with him.

OP posts:
blacksax · 06/03/2022 16:14

YABU if only for unnecessary overuse of the term '1 on 1'.

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:15

I wanted to emphasise this so people would know it wasn't as a group which greatly changes the dynamics.

OP posts:
Susu49 · 06/03/2022 16:15

Huh? It's not inappropriate for two colleagues or friends to hang out together, whether for lunch, coffee or a few drinks.

This is true even if one or both of them look like models!

I wouldn't knowingly lead someone on if I knew they fancied me but it doesn't sound like this is any of your business.

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:19

Huh? It's not inappropriate for two colleagues or friends to hang out together, whether for lunch, coffee or a few drinks

ok so would you be so liberal if a young female colleague was asking your dh out for drinks? There actually have been several threads about this recently where the poster felt uncomfortable and anxious over her dh and a younger female colleague...

OP posts:
Susu49 · 06/03/2022 16:22

It depends on the context.

Asking someone 'out' for drinks is clearly a date. But colleagues, especially in the city, often grab a glass of wine or two together before heading home. Or gone for lunch and a catch up.

Natty13 · 06/03/2022 16:24

So you can only be friends with the opposite gender if you are ugly. Got it.

Its 2022 for fuck's sake.

MichelleScarn · 06/03/2022 16:25

would say the exact same btw if it was an attractive man asking women out 1 on 1 to bars etc-that many women would get the idea he fancied her and would want more if she was accepted so if they're not "attractive' then it's OK?

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:27

So you can only be friends with the opposite gender if you are ugly. Got it

oh let's be honest-youth and beauty are desired. I'd feel alot more threatened by dh going for drinks with an attractive and toned 22 year old than with a 50 year old average looking post menopause woman. Who wouldn't?

Its 2022 for fuck's sake

don't see what the relevance is.

OP posts:
Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:28

so if they're not "attractive' then it's OK

not at all but them being attractive changes the stakes.

OP posts:
SunnySideUp2020 · 06/03/2022 16:29

You can get to know people by going out with them. It might or it might not evolve into something else.. the girl just didn't fancy the young colleague. He made his move it didn't work. No big deal.

I think it's a matter of making it clear from the start, what you are after potentially- or not.

My DH doesn't need a 20 something old friend to go out with... he has his own friends and not that much free time. Also technically not much would be gained from this friendship, not nothing in common, diff age & lifestyle, commitments etc... and yes I would be uncomfortable. Ofc.

But i have a male friend I used to go out with without DH, just the 2 of us. We are friends from school so a long time before DH. Nothing weird between us.

Susu49 · 06/03/2022 16:30

@downthephone

so if they're not "attractive' then it's OK

not at all but them being attractive changes the stakes.

Depends how much you trust yourself partner I suppose.

I try to choose partners who have some self control.

Susu49 · 06/03/2022 16:30

*your

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:33

But i have a male friend I used to go out with without DH, just the 2 of us. We are friends from school so a long time before DH. Nothing weird between us

yes but different between life long friends and new faces. I'm not ruling out friendships but I'd feel fine with dh going out with women he knew for years, if it was an attractive new face from the office or indeed any new woman I wouldn't like it but I admit I'd dislike it more if she was attractive.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 06/03/2022 16:33

@downthephone

So you can only be friends with the opposite gender if you are ugly. Got it

oh let's be honest-youth and beauty are desired. I'd feel alot more threatened by dh going for drinks with an attractive and toned 22 year old than with a 50 year old average looking post menopause woman. Who wouldn't?

Its 2022 for fuck's sake

don't see what the relevance is.

That you sound like an absolute dinosaur.

Friendship is not black and white. Can men and women be friends if one is old or ugly? What about of one is gay? Or one only dates inside of their religipn/culture and the other is outside of it? What if one wants to get to know the other a bit better in hopes of setting them up with a friend they could be perfect for? People (even young and beautiful people) can be friends with whoever they like without the assumption of anything other than friendship.

FWIW my husband does have some younger and more beautiful (than me) friends from tennis or work and I don't give it a second thought.

Globaluser · 06/03/2022 16:34

OP, I knew after reading your post a lot of posters would say your opinions are very outdated.
But I agree with you 100%

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:35

FWIW my husband does have some younger and more beautiful (than me) friends from tennis or work and I don't give it a second thought

yea but do they go out together to the cinema, to bars?

OP posts:
ExtraCreamy · 06/03/2022 16:36

I went away for a weekend to a comic con style event with a guy from work who I knew had a bit of a thing for me, but I was clear with him we were just going as friends and that was it. We actually had a really good time. I'd hate to give a guy any false hope so I made things clear before we went. Maybe the girl didn't realise the guy liked her in that way? She might have just thought it was a couple of drinks to chill after work.

konasana · 06/03/2022 16:40

Going against the grain here but as a woman I would not go out socially with a male colleague, just the two of us, regardless of how attractive either of us was. There's always a risk that they would think I wanted more (which I don't as happily married). The exception is if we were both travelling for work together and had to eat/drink together. But that's work, not social!

gobbynorthernbird · 06/03/2022 16:40

Are bisexual people allowed to leave the house?

DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 16:45

It depends on the context. I've often suggested drinks at lunch or straight after work with a male colleague. I've had some wonderfully supportive and productive work friendships that way. However, I think it's always been clear to them from our conversation and my body language that they were professional relationships bordering on friendship, with no room for ambiguity over anything else.

Drinks and drunkeness with inevitable flirting late into the evening give a whole different message and for all I'd love to believe male/female friendships like this exist, in my 40 years of work I've never seen one that didn't either end in tears or an affair (or both).

DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 16:48

Oh and BTW the friendships that turned into affairs are just as likely to be between ordinary looking middle aged people as model types.

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:50

I went away for a weekend to a comic con style event with a guy from work who I knew had a bit of a thing for me, but I was clear with him we were just going as friends and that was it

I still don't think is right as he still has the hope. I know because I was in the guy's situation before and it was made clear to me but ultimately it didn't work and was just torture as if feelings are involved on 1 side going away together is a bad idea.

OP posts:
SauvignonGrower · 06/03/2022 16:54

Mixed feelings about this. In my personal experience, opposite sex close friendships usually drift into one or the other wanting something more. I wish it wasn't like this, but I've reached the point in life where i try to avoid them.

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2022 16:55

@downthephone

I went away for a weekend to a comic con style event with a guy from work who I knew had a bit of a thing for me, but I was clear with him we were just going as friends and that was it

I still don't think is right as he still has the hope. I know because I was in the guy's situation before and it was made clear to me but ultimately it didn't work and was just torture as if feelings are involved on 1 side going away together is a bad idea.

Then you shouldn't have gone.

If everything's laid on the line then it's down to you what you do about it

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