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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row with friend over male/female friendships.

66 replies

downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:10

Myself and friend work in office and a very attractive young early 20s girl works with us. The guys obviously like her and believe me this thread is not about jealously-more about perspectives and boundaries.

Anyway a young male colleague the same age as her joined soon after her and she started inviting him out to bars 1 on 1 and to hang out with him. This lead to him trying to kiss her and she rejected it which lead to a row between them as he became clingy to her.

Anyway colleague who I am mates with told me and I pointed out that perhaps it was a bad idea for her to be asking him out 1 on 1 as he'd likely get the wrong idea. I pointed out that if a man were to ask me out for drinks 1 and 1 etc that I'd think he fancied me and that many people would take this idea regardless of gender.

Colleague got mad with me and said I was sexist etc. I said I wasn't and that I'd say the same for both genders. I am not saying men and women can't be friends but I know I will get roasted for saying this but she's a very attractive young women so of course a man would likely want more from her if she was asking him out 1 on 1 to cinema etc. I would say the exact same btw if it was an attractive man asking women out 1 on 1 to bars etc-that many women would get the idea he fancied her and would want more if she was accepted. So please don't start this into a sexist thread when I apply it to both genders.

Friend/colleague didn't take it well but just back story is that friend has lead men on before by going on holiday or away for wkends away with men 1 on 1 she knows who like her but she tells me she has no interest in sleeping with them or having anything romantic with them.

I don't find that appropriate as I would not go away for wkends with a man that I know fancies me when I have no interest in him as it's giving him false hope. AIBU here or what?

OP posts:
Sumtimesiamgreen · 06/03/2022 16:58

In the real world, I where I live, I do not think you are being UR. but … of course being young and beautiful doesn’t mean you are leading someone on if you go out with someone to socialise. I learnt quickly, not that I was beautiful, that socialising with females did not have the same rules as socialising with males. Anyone who says ‘oh it makes no difference’ is being idealistic and not realistic.

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 16:58

*Then you shouldn't have gone.

If everything's laid on the line then it's down to you what you do about it*

of course that's correct thinking but love will make people act illogically. If somebody was interested in me and it was unrequited I'd defo cool the friendship and would not be going away for a wkend with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 17:00

Anyone who says ‘oh it makes no difference’ is being idealistic and not realistic

anybody who says it wouldn't say it if there dh was doing it.

OP posts:
MadForBurpees · 06/03/2022 17:06

I believe a man and woman CAN be platonic friends. But it's usually that way coz one fancies the other but it's not reciprocated.

Susu49 · 06/03/2022 17:08

@gobbynorthernbird

Are bisexual people allowed to leave the house?
🤣🤣
SpiderVersed · 06/03/2022 17:09

I don’t think she did anything wrong, I think she was naïve. I did the same at her age (not that I was gorgeous) and was horrified when he made a pass.

We’d chatted loads at work, got on very well, nothing flirty remotely, he knew I was seeing someone. We just had a shared interest we’d talk about in the break room, that kind of thing.

I thought he was a mate from work.

We were both going to be away from the office on different tasks in the city centre one afternoon and rather than swap notes back at the office I suggested grabbing a beer (straight after working hours).

Turns out we weren’t mates. Men really are relentlessly disappointing.

StarlightLady · 06/03/2022 17:10

So, if your colleague was bisexual, does this mean she is not entitled to any friendships at all?

Original poster
downthephone · 06/03/2022 17:10

I did the same at her age (not that I was gorgeous) and was horrified when he made a pass

how did he react and what was it like to work with him after?

OP posts:
michaelball · 06/03/2022 17:13

So, if your colleague was bisexual, does this mean she is not entitled to any friendships at all

Meh why must every mn thread go down a rabbit hole?

MichelleScarn · 06/03/2022 17:14

@downthephone

I went away for a weekend to a comic con style event with a guy from work who I knew had a bit of a thing for me, but I was clear with him we were just going as friends and that was it

I still don't think is right as he still has the hope. I know because I was in the guy's situation before and it was made clear to me but ultimately it didn't work and was just torture as if feelings are involved on 1 side going away together is a bad idea.

So basically before you do anything social with a work colleague now, you need to double double check that they don't like like you?...and if they do, you're the bad one despite making no moves or show of anything? 🤔
michaelball · 06/03/2022 17:17

So basically before you do anything social with a work colleague now, you need to double double check that they don't like like you?...and if they do, you're the bad one despite making no moves or show of anything

I have colleagues but I wouldn't invite any man out for drinks or to the cinema etc. I don't think many people would do that to colleagues for obvious reasons especially ones of the opposite sex.

MrsWinters · 06/03/2022 17:19

Difficult to answer because it depends totally on the vibe. Some people like to be the ‘hot one’ in the office and will often flirt or lead people on because they like to have a trail of admirers. So if she was giving out signals then she’s totally in the wrong.
But I would regularly go out for lunch or dinner with a male colleague and we both know where we stand- very good mates and nothing more.

ExtraCreamy · 06/03/2022 17:21

@downthephone

I went away for a weekend to a comic con style event with a guy from work who I knew had a bit of a thing for me, but I was clear with him we were just going as friends and that was it

I still don't think is right as he still has the hope. I know because I was in the guy's situation before and it was made clear to me but ultimately it didn't work and was just torture as if feelings are involved on 1 side going away together is a bad idea.

I disagree. He might have had the hope, but he'd also had me telling him that we were just going as friends. We still had a great time. It's a shame that you had the opposite experience, but you can't apply that to everyone.
EmpressCixi · 06/03/2022 17:22

I agree it’s a risk that if you go out as a pair then one might start to fancy the other. But it’s only a risk, it isn’t a definite going to happen thing. For that reason, I think it’s best to mind your own business and not come off so judgemental.

michaelball · 06/03/2022 17:23

Some people like to be the ‘hot one’ in the office and will often flirt or lead people on because they like to have a trail of admirers. So if she was giving out signals then she’s totally in the wrong

Attractive people always know they are attractive, it's not rocket Science when you look like a young Meg Ryan to be aware that you are attractive and get plenty of attention.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 06/03/2022 17:24

@ExtraCreamy

I went away for a weekend to a comic con style event with a guy from work who I knew had a bit of a thing for me, but I was clear with him we were just going as friends and that was it. We actually had a really good time. I'd hate to give a guy any false hope so I made things clear before we went. Maybe the girl didn't realise the guy liked her in that way? She might have just thought it was a couple of drinks to chill after work.
I have no doubt that you ‘made it clear’

However he would still have shagged you if you’d let him.

Darbs76 · 06/03/2022 17:26

I see what you’re saying.

michaelball · 06/03/2022 17:26

*I have no doubt that you ‘made it clear’

However he would still have shagged you if you’d let him*

This. I can imagine the reaction on here if a poster came on saying the man made it clear he wasn't interested in her but still took her away for a weekend. He'd be called all sorts.

Clumsyvolcano · 06/03/2022 17:32

If a male work colleague asked me to the cinema or drinks on our own then yes, I would think he fancied me and so would most people if that happened to them. I think people are just deliberately disagreeing for the sake of debate. I know exactly what you mean OP.

Monsterjam · 06/03/2022 17:37

It drives me mad to read this… why should women deny themselves friendship with men who fancy is in case we lead them on? Men can and should be in charge of their own emotions and it isn’t for women to stop having friendships or a nice time because a man might feel lead on… fuck that

DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 17:46

@Monsterjam

It drives me mad to read this… why should women deny themselves friendship with men who fancy is in case we lead them on? Men can and should be in charge of their own emotions and it isn’t for women to stop having friendships or a nice time because a man might feel lead on… fuck that
It would be just as unreasonable for a man to carry on a friendship with a woman he knew wanted more. In fact, I had a thread a while back about a friend in exactly this position and opinions on the man were very low.
weinerdog · 06/03/2022 17:59

@Monsterjam

It drives me mad to read this… why should women deny themselves friendship with men who fancy is in case we lead them on? Men can and should be in charge of their own emotions and it isn’t for women to stop having friendships or a nice time because a man might feel lead on… fuck that

You can but I'm not sure why you'd want to if you knew the man liked you. It's awkward of you don't like them back. It's a nice ego boost and that's about it, not an ideal situation really

weinerdog · 06/03/2022 18:01

Assuming you're single anyway. If you're in a relationship it's pretty childish to seek validation from male 'friends' who like you- and I've definitely done that in the past so I know

ExtraCreamy · 06/03/2022 18:13

In my case I did actually like him as a person and we got on well, so I was happy to go with him. If he'd decided not to go because he wasn't going to get any action from me then I'd probably have thought less of him. Thankfully he's a better person than that. I actually think it's unkind to stop speaking to someone just because they like you in that way. It's not as if they've done anything wrong.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/03/2022 18:18

I have been to the cinema a few times with blokes from work, every single time it was because we both happened to want to see a film that others in our respective friendship circles didn't. We have also grabbed a bite to eat before or after the film. Nothing untoward has ever happened