Hen do - Am I right to feel annoyed at bridesmaid?

[Poppymonty3]

My partners sister got married two years ago and I was surprised that I was not asked to be a bridesmaid for her as we get on well and her only sibling is my partner but I still helped out with wedding planning and attended hen do, etc. I asked her to be my bridesmaid despite this as I thought it was a nice thing to do for my partners family to get them involved and like I said we do get on well.

We get married in 3 months. We have been planning the hen do for a while and it was her idea that we should try bongo bingo as she has been before and completely sold the idea to me but the date are only realised 1 or 2 months before. We have been checking to see when it is available constantly. The dates are now available but she has planned to go on holiday for the entire month before our wedding so we can't have the hen do then. I gave her three dates the month before and she said she was busy for all three of them. She has arranged to go on a hen do on the Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the end of May in Manchester for a girl who has also asked her to be a bridesmaid. This girl has got several bridesmaids and my bridesmaid has only known her for a year. She is the girlfriend of the my bridesmaids partners friend and doesn't live anywhere near us so they rarely see each other, they aren't close and from what I gather they don't know each other that well, I may be jumping to conclusions but from what i can gather she has only been asked to be a bridesmaid as her partner us best man.

Anyway I am now having my hen do in Manchester the same weekend as it is the only date available. I told her and she said she might see me around. I was expecting her to try and find some middle ground and maybe spend a couple of days with her friend then meet up with us on the Sunday considering she will be in the same city? Her stance is that it is first come first serve and since her 'friend' planned her hen do first she will be spending the whole weekend with her. She said I should have arranged my hen do sooner but she knows that the dates for the bingo are only released a couple of months in advance. She hasn't apologised or even said she is sad that she will be missing my hen do.

Really I am gutted that she won't be there and I am upset that she seems unbothered about it or unwilling to try and work something out. I am so annoyed that I feel like telling her to not bothering being my bridesmaid as she has done nothing to contribute and doesn't seem bothered.

Am I being over the top? Should I be feeling this upset about it?

You have made your choices in life based on your own perceived rules of (family) etiquette.

Everyone else on the world (including your SIL-to-be) gets to make up their own rules too, which may be at odds with your choices.

Realistically, you need to learn to accept that you are not the Queen of everything and sometimes, you have to bend and compromise, if you want to get along with others.

In my rule book, accepting an invitation for an event on May 1st means I have committed to attending that event on May 1st. It’s unfortunate if my sister wants me to do something with her family on that date too, as I’m no longer free. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What is bongo bingo, is it a Northern activity.. Anyhow, I couldn't be bothered about all this bridesmaid stuff saga.

It’s called bingo lingo here. (Wales).

I think it's a shame what weddings have turned into... people seem more bothered about hen parties and bridesmaid politics than the actual marriage itself. The demands I see being placed on bridesmaids these days are ridiculous. It used to be you turned up for dress fittings, maybe helped with organising wedding favours and a few bits, and then you rocked up on the day, assisted the bride as necessary and that was it.

Hen-do's are, to me, my idea of utter hell. At the end of the day it's just a party and the woman in question is already otherwise committed. In the great scheme of things, it's hardly the end of the world. Come your wedding day it won't matter - your focus will be (or should be!) on your marriage and your future with your husband.

As long as she is there on the day of your wedding, suited and booted and ready to assist as required, then she has, in my view, fulfilled any obligation as a bridesmaid. If you consider she should be doing more, and has some contractual obligation to attend your hen-do, then either adjust your expectations or ask someone else to be bridesmaid.

PS. I've just looked up Bongo Bingo... bloody hell - there is a very very long list of things I would rather do before that, including gouging my eyes out with a red hot poker.

So she's basically your SIL?

I think that while you have a nice family friendship it's not necessarily a friendship without partners involved.

She's made it quite clear that she doesn't see it as close a friendship as you do from her behaviour now and in the past. But I wouldnt dwell on that tbh.

Sort your hen do for a time that suits you and do something you want to do. Don't be dictated by someone who isn't even making a big effort to come.

That being said, if she had those dates booked in she had them already booked didn't she? There's not much you can do. You certainly can't expect her to ditch the other bride!

Just get on with your plans and if she makes it great. If not, meh

1. You ‘expected’ to her bridesmaid? Why?

PS. I've just looked up Bongo Bingo... bloody hell - there is a very very long list of things I would rather do before that, including gouging my eyes out with a red hot poker

I just googled, I think I’d make sure I was busy too!

For the other innocents who also have no clue.

www.bongosbingo.co.uk/

Pretty unanimous that YABU.

No, she shouldn't cancel any of her prior commitments for your hen do. That includes the long holiday she has planned and the hen weekend she has previously agreed to.

Your wishes don't trump everything else. I'm also bewildered that you were surprised not to be her bridesmaid on the grounds that you were going out with her brother and get on fine.

I get on with my DHs sisters. I would never have asked either of them to be my bridesmaid, however. I have far closer friends than them. They are relatives that I get on with ok - but not close friends of mine.

I think you have some unusual assumptions which mean that you feel annoyed that other people (understandably in my view) don't share your views.

1. You expected to be her bridesmaid and were surprised not to be asked? Why?! You were her brother’s girlfriend and that is the only link between you. You didn’t choose each other as friends. For all she knew, you and her brother might not even have ended up staying together. Why would she ask you to be bridesmaid?

1. You asked her to be a bridesmaid even though she didn’t ask you, and she was polite enough to agree even though you clearly don’t have a very close relationship. Why didn’t you just ask a friend instead? You’re acting as if you were doing her a favour by asking her to be bridesmaid, but in fact for her it’s probably more like a slightly awkward chore.

1. Why would you think you, a woman who just happens to be a relationship with her brother, should take precedence over her actual friends? Why should you be the priority?

1. It’s not her fault you want the hen do on a weekend when she was already committed to another event.

I’m not sure there’s any need to slag off the chosen activity, the SIL was up for it before it was booked.

Still think you’re being unreasonable though OP don’t have a bridesmaid out of duty

What is Bongo Bingo anyways .??????

It’s not up to you who she prioritises though.. if she wants to prioritise this other friend then that’s up to her. I think you need to stop letting this stress you out and just enjoy your hen do and wedding, I’m sure your other bridesmaids are your friends and will help you to celebrate?

I can see both sides but if she agreed to be your only bridesmaid she should have had some role in planning the hen do. Otherwise she should have said she was too busy to be the bridesmaid. For her to wait and wait and then suddenly say, oh sorry I can't do a hen do any date for the two months before your wedding is a bit shit. If she was starting to get booked up she should have said, 'right we need to pick a date and maybe not do bongo bingo if it's not available on the save the date.'

If she was one of 6 bridesmaids it would be a bit different, but she's the only one and hasn't bothered at all to try and be there to help you plan.

That being said you could have also decided not to do bongo bingo and mail down a date - it was always a risk that some people wouldn't be able to make it without the date saved.

I would ask another friend to be bridesmaid alongside her so that you feel supported on the day.

Do you have any friends op, strange to only have sil. It's also seems strange you were surprised she didn't ask you to be bm but you asked her. You are only friends by association because your in a relationship with her brother, if you split I suspect you would know longer see her. She sees you or holidays with you by default because your with her brother. You don't have a friendship outside of that. She had prioritised her other friendships.

Why did you ask her to be Bridesmaid?

Im cringing.

She got married recently and you were not BM so why ask her to return the favour?

She has only said yes to be polite but she wants no part in it

Let it go. Have a fun hen without her

I Agee with you op , you went with the bongo bingo idea because she suggested it but now can’t go even through she knows very well it’s a possibility of your hen weekend but has made plans which is fine but the reason you put it off was due to her suggestion.
Like others say she’s made her mind up have the hen weekend without her . Can’t you organise a meal at home for those that couldn’t make the weekend away . I’ve know brides to do that .

I've been twice to bongos and it's canny!
Good fun but you have to get involved (ie dance on your chair, participate etc or you get humiliated).

@Poppymonty3

It's not that, I have no issue with her being bridesmaid to someone else.

I do think family should be a priority over someone you don't know that well though. She could go on her friends hen do on the Friday and Saturday and meet up with us on the Sunday? I don't understand why this hasn't crossed her mind. I suppose people are different. I gave her multiple dates but there is always something more important to do.

Because she is more than likely going to be hanging out of her arse and need to go to bed 🤷‍♀️

You have posted twice on this forum about members of your partner’s family not doing what you want them to. Are you sure you want to be legally bound to them?

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

I've been twice to bongos and it's canny! Good fun but you have to get involved (ie dance on your chair, participate etc or you get humiliated).

Oh god 😩

There was 4 dates that I could do that month and she could not do any of them. I booked the date I originally wanted and it worked out that it was on the same day in the same city, I didn't realise until after
I call bullshit on this.

Sorry but she’s just not that into you. She didn’t keep any dates free for your hen? That’s because she doesn’t want to go. Stop doing the pick me dance.

I think it would've been better to keep your friends and soon to be family separate for the hen do. She doesn't seem to bothered to upset you as you are her brothers partner so knows she won't really lose that friendship. However her other friend is a friend and she could end up losing her as a friend if she last minute cancels on her

Bongos Bingo is rave bingo…dancing on chairs, dance offs and max prizes. Not for the faint hearted 😂 but loads of fun. Would be a great hen party.

None of my SIL to be came to my hen do and I get on great with 2 out of the 3 of them and reasonably well with the other. Your wedding and hen do are only a priority TO YOU! She has every right to decide to go with her friend rather than you if that's what she wants. The time someone has been in your life means nothing, it's how much they've shown they're their for you that's important so you saying 'she's only known her for a year' is irrelevant here.

This is so bonkers it reads like a reverse!

You sound like to want to pull rank and force her to ‘choose’ you over her actual friends!

Have you not got friends of your own to be your bridesmaids??