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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do - Am I right to feel annoyed at bridesmaid?

81 replies

Poppymonty3 · 06/03/2022 14:57

My partners sister got married two years ago and I was surprised that I was not asked to be a bridesmaid for her as we get on well and her only sibling is my partner but I still helped out with wedding planning and attended hen do, etc. I asked her to be my bridesmaid despite this as I thought it was a nice thing to do for my partners family to get them involved and like I said we do get on well.

We get married in 3 months. We have been planning the hen do for a while and it was her idea that we should try bongo bingo as she has been before and completely sold the idea to me but the date are only realised 1 or 2 months before. We have been checking to see when it is available constantly. The dates are now available but she has planned to go on holiday for the entire month before our wedding so we can't have the hen do then. I gave her three dates the month before and she said she was busy for all three of them. She has arranged to go on a hen do on the Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the end of May in Manchester for a girl who has also asked her to be a bridesmaid. This girl has got several bridesmaids and my bridesmaid has only known her for a year. She is the girlfriend of the my bridesmaids partners friend and doesn't live anywhere near us so they rarely see each other, they aren't close and from what I gather they don't know each other that well, I may be jumping to conclusions but from what i can gather she has only been asked to be a bridesmaid as her partner us best man.

Anyway I am now having my hen do in Manchester the same weekend as it is the only date available. I told her and she said she might see me around. I was expecting her to try and find some middle ground and maybe spend a couple of days with her friend then meet up with us on the Sunday considering she will be in the same city? Her stance is that it is first come first serve and since her 'friend' planned her hen do first she will be spending the whole weekend with her. She said I should have arranged my hen do sooner but she knows that the dates for the bingo are only released a couple of months in advance. She hasn't apologised or even said she is sad that she will be missing my hen do.

Really I am gutted that she won't be there and I am upset that she seems unbothered about it or unwilling to try and work something out. I am so annoyed that I feel like telling her to not bothering being my bridesmaid as she has done nothing to contribute and doesn't seem bothered.

Am I being over the top? Should I be feeling this upset about it?

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 06/03/2022 15:31

Do you have any close friends who could be a bridesmaid instead? I think I would find someone who is more interested.

KateMiddletonsBodyDouble · 06/03/2022 15:32

She could go on her friends hen do on the Friday and Saturday and meet up with us on the Sunday?

Seriously OP, it is beyond unreasonable to expect this. She's a bridesmaid and you want her to leave that hen do early to join yours??

If she's your only bridesmaid how on earth did you end up with a hen do date that she couldn't make?? It sounds like you're organising your own hen do, which would normally be the job of the bridesmaids?

Hankunamatata · 06/03/2022 15:32

Bit weird that you expected to be asked to be her bridesmaid - you weren't close to future sil or even married to her brother at that point.
You need to realise she isnt your sister or even really a friend, she just happens to be your future sil.
You need to back off massively

MischievousBiscuits · 06/03/2022 15:35

I think yabu. You're blaming her for not having suitable dates for something she suggested, but the choice was yours and if the dates didn't work you could have picked something else.

Original poster
Poppymonty3 · 06/03/2022 15:35

There was 4 dates that I could do that month and she could not do any of them. I booked the date I originally wanted and it worked out that it was on the same day in the same city, I didn't realise until after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppymonty3 · 06/03/2022 15:37

I have organised it myself because she has not. I wanted to do it the month before my wedding in May but she booked the whole month to go on holiday. I gave her four dates I could do in April and she was busy for all four so had no choice but to book a day she was busy for as she was busy for every day.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 06/03/2022 15:38

Traditionally bridesmaids are on the brides side of the family. There was no need to ask her to be one.

Plus, generally it’s the bridesmaids job to help you get dressed in the morning - it’s only recently there’s been an ‘expectation’ to plan/organise/attend additional stuff in recent years.

Let her rock up in a frock and do the job she’s supposed to do!

SolasAnla · 06/03/2022 15:40

@Poppymonty3

It's not that, I have no issue with her being bridesmaid to someone else.

I do think family should be a priority over someone you don't know that well though. She could go on her friends hen do on the Friday and Saturday and meet up with us on the Sunday? I don't understand why this hasn't crossed her mind. I suppose people are different. I gave her multiple dates but there is always something more important to do.

Its hen or an excuse to have a party. Wedding tradition is that your family celebrate with you, his with him.

You are making drama with your SIL's over a social get together. His family will side with her not you on this.

Start off as you mean to go on. Respect that she has boundaries about how far she will reorganise her life to accommodate her brother / brothers wife. She has said no, accept her decision not to attend your party.

LottyD32 · 06/03/2022 15:40

@Poppymonty3

My partners sister got married two years ago and I was surprised that I was not asked to be a bridesmaid for her as we get on well and her only sibling is my partner but I still helped out with wedding planning and attended hen do, etc. I asked her to be my bridesmaid despite this as I thought it was a nice thing to do for my partners family to get them involved and like I said we do get on well.

We get married in 3 months. We have been planning the hen do for a while and it was her idea that we should try bongo bingo as she has been before and completely sold the idea to me but the date are only realised 1 or 2 months before. We have been checking to see when it is available constantly. The dates are now available but she has planned to go on holiday for the entire month before our wedding so we can't have the hen do then. I gave her three dates the month before and she said she was busy for all three of them. She has arranged to go on a hen do on the Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the end of May in Manchester for a girl who has also asked her to be a bridesmaid. This girl has got several bridesmaids and my bridesmaid has only known her for a year. She is the girlfriend of the my bridesmaids partners friend and doesn't live anywhere near us so they rarely see each other, they aren't close and from what I gather they don't know each other that well, I may be jumping to conclusions but from what i can gather she has only been asked to be a bridesmaid as her partner us best man.

Anyway I am now having my hen do in Manchester the same weekend as it is the only date available. I told her and she said she might see me around. I was expecting her to try and find some middle ground and maybe spend a couple of days with her friend then meet up with us on the Sunday considering she will be in the same city? Her stance is that it is first come first serve and since her 'friend' planned her hen do first she will be spending the whole weekend with her. She said I should have arranged my hen do sooner but she knows that the dates for the bingo are only released a couple of months in advance. She hasn't apologised or even said she is sad that she will be missing my hen do.

Really I am gutted that she won't be there and I am upset that she seems unbothered about it or unwilling to try and work something out. I am so annoyed that I feel like telling her to not bothering being my bridesmaid as she has done nothing to contribute and doesn't seem bothered.

Am I being over the top? Should I be feeling this upset about it?

Get a new bridesmaid.

Cavagirl · 06/03/2022 15:40

@Poppymonty3

I have organised it myself because she has not. I wanted to do it the month before my wedding in May but she booked the whole month to go on holiday. I gave her four dates I could do in April and she was busy for all four so had no choice but to book a day she was busy for as she was busy for every day.
YABU in expecting her to ditch the other hen but in all honesty it sounds like she's not a good friend and not a good bridesmaid. She's not that into you, as PP said. I'd get rid and have a rethink who you really want there, supporting you on the day.
TheLeadbetterLife · 06/03/2022 15:41

What this sounds like is that you’re having an intimate wedding, so family plus a few friends, but you also want a proper hen do, so you have asked the only eligible woman who is going to the wedding to be a bridesmaid, in order to pad out the hen.

You don’t really have a bridesmaid-type relationship with this woman, and she knows this perfectly well.

Toottooot · 06/03/2022 15:44

I feel sorry for her.

oviraptor21 · 06/03/2022 15:56

I would also choose a different bridesmaid. If she can't make time to be there for a hen do (ie not being able to make any weekend in the preceding two months) then she's clearly not going to be much of a support to you. Plus the bad feeling on the day will tarnish it.
Just say you made an error of judgement, you thought the relationship was closer than it is, and choose someone else - or no-one else, just go with the one you have.

zoemum2006 · 06/03/2022 16:00

Hun I been there. It’s all such a stress isn’t it?

If I were you I’d organise something really low key the week before the wedding (just a nice cocktail bar and some hen veils/ sashes etc). . Grab a few mates, have a few laughs and remember that the best bit is you’re marrying your lovely husband soon.

LindyLou2020 · 06/03/2022 16:02

Sorry to digress - but am I the only naive soul on this thread who doesn't know what "bongo bingo" is?
My imagination is running riot...…😳😳😳

Hawkins001 · 06/03/2022 16:03

All the best op

Mouldyfeet · 06/03/2022 16:04

I find it bizarre that you didn’t ask a friend to be bridesmaid. She’s your future SIL.

You’re expecting way too much from someone that only knows you due to her brother going out with you.

DicklessWonder · 06/03/2022 16:05

This is bonkers. I didn’t even have my own sister as a bridesmaid, just my best friend as Best Woman. If someone can’t make the hen, so what? It’s all made up over-expectation.

The marriage is the important bit. Everything else is frippery. Stop measuring your self worth by who shows up at a party.

TenoringBehind · 06/03/2022 16:12

@LindyLou2020

Sorry to digress - but am I the only naive soul on this thread who doesn't know what "bongo bingo" is? My imagination is running riot...…😳😳😳
No, you’re not the only one…..
KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 16:13

Do you need a Bridesmaid? Could one of your friends or relatives help you get ready?

Squirrelblanket · 06/03/2022 16:14

It sounds like you see the relationship between you very differently. It comes across that you feel she is obligated to be your bridesmaid because it's 'family' whereas she sees you just as her brothers partner. She probably felt like she couldn't say no to being your bridesmaid whereas you feel like you've bestowed a great honour on her.

I think you just need to let it go.

JudgeRindersMinder · 06/03/2022 16:16

This is Bongo Bingo aka my idea of hell 😂 www.bongosbingo.co.uk/

Oh and OP, grow up and get over yourself

BoredZelda · 06/03/2022 16:17

I do think family should be a priority over someone you don't know that well though.

Then you should do that. It’s not up to you to decide what someone else’s priorities should be.

She made it clear at her wedding that she doesn’t think potential sister in laws are priority for bridesmaids. You decided to force the issue and have discovered she still doesn’t feel the same.

CousinQuandary · 06/03/2022 16:17

It sounds like you aren’t friends but are trying to force things because you have an idea it’ll be all cosy and lovely and, I suspect, to please your fiancé, at least to some extent. She’s going along with it, out of politeness, but is clearly not that into you. Just chill out and leave the poor girl alone!

Jvg33 · 06/03/2022 16:23

Sack her as bridesmaid. She doesn't feel she has to do it as she is 'family'