To really dislike DD's father?

[bexxboo]

When I first met 'Pete' I was so in love, we had a really passionate first couple of months. Then the abuse started, trauma bond established, you know the story.

After 5 years of emotional abuse, I've really grown to hate this man. To the point I don't even want to look at him or be around him.

I ended it a couple of years ago but there have been occasions were we have slept together and it's almost been like we are back together. It's like my brain tricks me into thinking things will be ok & that I love him.

His behaviour hasn't changed in the years I've known him. He is a compulsive liar, gaslighter, a pure bully. He has a very nasty soul. Prior to all the shit I saw the goodness and honestly thought we would marry etc, hence why I had his child.

It's almost like he thinks like he owns me, he's absolutely fucking vile to me but insists he loves me. I never knew people like him even existed!!

The worst part is he doesn't see any of his behaviour as abusive, he honestly thinks he hasn't really done anything wrong. He simply cannot see. If I ever bring anything up with him he will deflect it back onto me.

I just want rid of him, I want him to leave me alone. But every time I try I either get abusive messages or he makes me miserable, so I just play ball for a peaceful life.

It's almost like his aura is black, he makes me feel something I can't describe whenever I'm near him. He has put me through absolute hell, yet won't take any responsibility for it. I could write a trilogy on this bloke. He really is a nasty nasty person. Anger issues, mental issues, drug abuse, anti social, thinks the law doesn't apply to him.

What can I do to get him to understand there will not be a future for us? Because he seems to think there will be despite him treating me like dog shit. It's awful because I've let him do this, it's like I'm too weak to stand up to him because I fear the consequences outweigh the benefits of defending myself.

The only good thing is unfortunately the sex is amazing. It's the only time I ever feel loved and valued. So maybe once a month we sleep together...I know it needs to stop!! I hate myself for allowing this to go on. I just feel like I have no power when it comes to him because of his reaction.

You block him on everything apart from a pay as you go SIM card that is for communication about your child only which you turn on at set times. Anything not relating to your child is ignored.

You arrange for handover to be done in a public place, preferably by someone else or if that's not possible you say nothing and you leave as soon as he has your child.

He does not love you. Sex is not love and this horrible power dynamic is preventing you from moving on.

Do the Women's Aid Freedom Programme and read Lundy Buncroft "why does he do that".

You can break this cycle.

What can I do to get him to understand there will not be a future for us? Because he seems to think there will be despite him treating me like dog shit

He does know this, but he knows you're there to be picked up when he fancies a shag and what to say so you'll keep doing it. This is not a man who cares about you or thinks there is a relationship. That's not what he wants no matter what he says.

If this is real then you need to block him, you can arrange child contact through a third party...

^“What can I do to get him to understand there will not be a future for us?”*
You can’t make him understand that. Echoing other posters’ suggestions about the freedom programme etc to make YOU understand that there’s no future for this relationship and learn how to put your own boundaries in place. He’ll never ‘get it’ -he should he? He doesn’t see that there’s a problem with the status quo.

It’s up to you to move away and save yourself (and dd) because he never will.

Stop sleeping with him, limit communication to essential stuff about your child and arrange for someone else to be present at handovers.

What can I do to get him to understand there will not be a future for us?

1. Stop having sex with him.

1. Stop engaging with him.

1. Access domestic abuse support services, do the Freedom Programme, undertake trauma therapy with an appropriately qualified and experienced professional.

Do you live together?

It's takes time to heal from an abusive person. It isn't like a "normal" relationship.

You just have to go low (as you have a child it can't be no contact) contact. Maybe set up a separate phone for contact with him. Or use email.

If he is disordered, narcisstic or sociopath he will eventually lose interest if you grey rock him.

Start a journal and read books on abuse. YouTube has lots of resources.

I've had therapy, been on all different types of anti depressants, sleeping tablets, tablets for panic attacks. None of these problems existed before I met him.

I moved out when DD was 5 months into a flat so no we don't live together. He made my life hell when I lived with him, and when I moved out.

I'm due to move again, this time to a different town. I'm worried as his mother has said she wants to help me decorate...she is (was) a big part of the problem too. She thinks the sun shines out of his arse, and apparently his family have never seen him so miserable than when he got with me! The ex MIL is also a toxic character - she will do something really lovely but counteract it with something really nasty, and then play victim.

I have a tie to these toxic people for like because I have they're child/granddaughter. This move isn't something I want them involved in but they have offered help and ex has offered to help buy a car and a tv etc.

I don't have a mother (she was an addict) & my dad left the country 5 years ago & is living his life, we have grown apart since. Close with sister though, she is my lifeline.

So very backed into a corner all the time as I have to stand on my own.

Wanna know a secret op? No, THE secret. He DOES know he is abusive. Heck, he intends to be abusive. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

It's a trick, a trap. To make you think he doesn't see. But he does see. He just doesn't care about hurting you. And he wants you to drive yourself crazy thinking he doesn't understand.

I suggest you stop meeting him entirely. Have someone else pick up and drop off the kid if possible.

Unfortunately you are IMO the cause of your own misery. You have had therapy, you have described this mans actions above yet you still continue to follow to involve yourself with this man and his family.

You can completely disengage and detach. You can do this by going v v low contact.

You are also setting your daughter up in a way that shows her how a relationship should be. You are role modelling this to her whether you realise it or not. You are showing her where boundary lines are and how much she should sacrifice her own self in order to be with a man.

Of course your actions are not intentional but you have not moved on from this man (despite your physical boundaries) you are very much emotionally entangled. Unless you extract yourself mentally you will remain in limbo!

So don't accept their help. His mother has no need to know where you live. Hire a van (and removal folk) to move stuff. Have your sister help you decorate.

You are only backed into a corner because you choose to be. He can facilitate time for your DD with his parents on his time. That is not your responsibility.

@Pinkbonbon but WHY does he want to hurt me and make me hate myself? I'm the mother of his child.

[quote bexxboo]@Pinkbonbon but WHY does he want to hurt me and make me hate myself? I'm the mother of his child.[/quote]
Because he is an abusive person.

Do not accept his mum or his help with the move. It's a trap so that they know your address.

Drop your dd off with her dad or meet him at a public place for drop off.

He has no incentive to change because he doesn't want to and you're still under his spell and doing what he wants for a peaceful life. You can protect yourself from him by taking steps to block him.

You can't change what he does. You can only change what you do. Block him. Stop having sex with him. Only communicate for arrangements for your child. And the freedom programme sounds like a good idea.

You need to stop asking ‘why’ he’s like this and stop trying to ‘understanding’ him and just accept that this is who he is. He is not a victim, he doesn’t need rescuing by you.

[quote bexxboo]@Pinkbonbon but WHY does he want to hurt me and make me hate myself? I'm the mother of his child.[/quote]
He doesn't care about your feelings. If you were happy and had good self esteem then you'd go onto a better life and he doesn't want that for you. He wants you miserable so that he can control you.

I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult

He does not give a shit about you or his child. He likes having sex with you, and you keep having sex with him, so nothing will change. Why would it?

Sorry, wrong thread!

@bexxboo

I've had therapy, been on all different types of anti depressants, sleeping tablets, tablets for panic attacks. None of these problems existed before I met him.

I moved out when DD was 5 months into a flat so no we don't live together. He made my life hell when I lived with him, and when I moved out.

I'm due to move again, this time to a different town. I'm worried as his mother has said she wants to help me decorate...she is (was) a big part of the problem too. She thinks the sun shines out of his arse, and apparently his family have never seen him so miserable than when he got with me! The ex MIL is also a toxic character - she will do something really lovely but counteract it with something really nasty, and then play victim.

I have a tie to these toxic people for like because I have they're child/granddaughter. This move isn't something I want them involved in but they have offered help and ex has offered to help buy a car and a tv etc.

I don't have a mother (she was an addict) & my dad left the country 5 years ago & is living his life, we have grown apart since. Close with sister though, she is my lifeline.

So very backed into a corner all the time as I have to stand on my own.

Stop letting these people buy their way into your life. Dont tell them your new address. Move yourself and do not accept anything from them except child maintenance.

Stop sleeping with him. Block his number. Only communicate via email about your child.
You have to accept some responsibility for what has happened too.
You don’t need him.

The only good thing is unfortunately the sex is amazing. It's the only time I ever feel loved and valued.

This move isn't something I want them involved in but they have offered help and ex has offered to help buy a car and a tv etc.

Your child comes first. Not your vag and not material goods. What sort of example are you setting your daughter? That it's OK to have toxic people in your life if they can provide money and sex?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but seriously, this cannot continue. You're unhappy and your daughter will end up unhappy if you carry on like this.

You need to stop for your DD.

[quote bexxboo]@Pinkbonbon but WHY does he want to hurt me and make me hate myself? I'm the mother of his child.[/quote]
Because he is a monster. And he hates you. He hates you - because he is a a monster.

Monsters like him hate people who are truly human, who can feel love and empathy for other people and who can find happiness and contentment in life without. They don't have that ability and it drives them into such a rage. They want to destroy all that is good in the world. To burn down your castles and spit on the ashes. Because they are horrible, empty voids that want everyone else to be as broken as they are.

He hates you and he means you harm.

And the thing is - you know it.

You'll never understand him because you are nothing like him. In fanciful terms - you are off the light and he is of the darkness. He is a predator and you are prey. You are good and he is evil.

Dont hang around trying to understand why evil people do what they do. Just see it for what it is and protect yourself.

Your baseline is goodness, kindness and morality. But not everyone has that baseline. There are monsters in this world. And the sooner tou see them for what they are and run for the bloody hills the better. Because if you stand about trying to to out why or how they can be so monstrous, you'll get yourself all eaten up.