To really dislike DD's father?

[bexxboo]

When I first met 'Pete' I was so in love, we had a really passionate first couple of months. Then the abuse started, trauma bond established, you know the story.

After 5 years of emotional abuse, I've really grown to hate this man. To the point I don't even want to look at him or be around him.

I ended it a couple of years ago but there have been occasions were we have slept together and it's almost been like we are back together. It's like my brain tricks me into thinking things will be ok & that I love him.

His behaviour hasn't changed in the years I've known him. He is a compulsive liar, gaslighter, a pure bully. He has a very nasty soul. Prior to all the shit I saw the goodness and honestly thought we would marry etc, hence why I had his child.

It's almost like he thinks like he owns me, he's absolutely fucking vile to me but insists he loves me. I never knew people like him even existed!!

The worst part is he doesn't see any of his behaviour as abusive, he honestly thinks he hasn't really done anything wrong. He simply cannot see. If I ever bring anything up with him he will deflect it back onto me.

I just want rid of him, I want him to leave me alone. But every time I try I either get abusive messages or he makes me miserable, so I just play ball for a peaceful life.

It's almost like his aura is black, he makes me feel something I can't describe whenever I'm near him. He has put me through absolute hell, yet won't take any responsibility for it. I could write a trilogy on this bloke. He really is a nasty nasty person. Anger issues, mental issues, drug abuse, anti social, thinks the law doesn't apply to him.

What can I do to get him to understand there will not be a future for us? Because he seems to think there will be despite him treating me like dog shit. It's awful because I've let him do this, it's like I'm too weak to stand up to him because I fear the consequences outweigh the benefits of defending myself.

The only good thing is unfortunately the sex is amazing. It's the only time I ever feel loved and valued. So maybe once a month we sleep together...I know it needs to stop!! I hate myself for allowing this to go on. I just feel like I have no power when it comes to him because of his reaction.

oh look OP, I've done this to myself too. But you do have agency. He doesn't find a way in through your armour - you let him in. You don't need to see the MIL, you can go grey rock. This is down to you, not him. Stop sleeping with him!

He does hate you, you know. Look at what he does, how he treats you, rather than what he says. I knew a man with an ex like you. He treated her so badly, and she kept going back for more. It got worse. He said to me that he knew she would always come back to him. He was horrible about her. This isn't love.

You talk like you have no power over your life, no way to change anything, like the only way he could possibly leave your life would be if he chose to walk away.

That's not true.

What about your choices? What about you making the choice to walk away? Can you not see that you have choices here? You are not at his mercy with no option but to go along with him and wait for him to choose to leave you alone.

Stop fixating on his choices and why he is abusive. Focus on the choices you can make to achieve the changes you say you want.

Trauma bonding means it temporarily hurts more to walk away, it doesn't mean you can't choose to walk away.

Every time you continue contact with him you are making a choice.

Every time you have sex with him you are making a choice.

Every time you nod along with a therapist but make no changes to your behaviour you are making a choice. Therapy only works if you put the work in to apply it to your life and make changes, it's not a magic spell.

Every time you post about how awful he is to you but continue to have him in your life you are making a choice.

You're not helpless and powerless. You have choices that you can make to change things.

You can choose to say no to them decorating / interfering with the move.

You can choose not to engage with him.

You can choose not to see him.

You can choose to do the Freedom Programme course.

You can choose to read the book you've ordered.

You can choose not to have sex with him.

You can choose to be kind and loving to yourself.

You can choose to seek advice from Women's Aid.

You can choose to act on that advice.

You can choose to live where you want.

You can choose who you build friendships with.

You can choose what you do with your life.

You can choose to stop throwing your hands up and saying you have no control over your own choices.

You have choices. Use them to make the changes you want to see.

He doesn't find a way in through your armour - you let him in.

This is exactly it. It's not that he's all powerful and there's nothing you can do about it - it's that you make a choice.

Make a different choice and things can change for the better. Keep making the same choices and things stay shit.

Kindly - if you hate him, why are you sleeping with him? Just stop and block him apart from communication re the child. You're not helping yourself here.

Read up on trauma bonds, everytime you have contact with him, you get rebonded. Stop sleeping with him, stop contact ( child contact away from the house, my ex picked dc up from school / child minder and they were returned similarly) and stop trying to understand why he does anything and accept he is an abusive arse and you will never be a happy family with him