To really dislike DD's father?

[bexxboo]

When I first met 'Pete' I was so in love, we had a really passionate first couple of months. Then the abuse started, trauma bond established, you know the story.

After 5 years of emotional abuse, I've really grown to hate this man. To the point I don't even want to look at him or be around him.

I ended it a couple of years ago but there have been occasions were we have slept together and it's almost been like we are back together. It's like my brain tricks me into thinking things will be ok & that I love him.

His behaviour hasn't changed in the years I've known him. He is a compulsive liar, gaslighter, a pure bully. He has a very nasty soul. Prior to all the shit I saw the goodness and honestly thought we would marry etc, hence why I had his child.

It's almost like he thinks like he owns me, he's absolutely fucking vile to me but insists he loves me. I never knew people like him even existed!!

The worst part is he doesn't see any of his behaviour as abusive, he honestly thinks he hasn't really done anything wrong. He simply cannot see. If I ever bring anything up with him he will deflect it back onto me.

I just want rid of him, I want him to leave me alone. But every time I try I either get abusive messages or he makes me miserable, so I just play ball for a peaceful life.

It's almost like his aura is black, he makes me feel something I can't describe whenever I'm near him. He has put me through absolute hell, yet won't take any responsibility for it. I could write a trilogy on this bloke. He really is a nasty nasty person. Anger issues, mental issues, drug abuse, anti social, thinks the law doesn't apply to him.

What can I do to get him to understand there will not be a future for us? Because he seems to think there will be despite him treating me like dog shit. It's awful because I've let him do this, it's like I'm too weak to stand up to him because I fear the consequences outweigh the benefits of defending myself.

The only good thing is unfortunately the sex is amazing. It's the only time I ever feel loved and valued. So maybe once a month we sleep together...I know it needs to stop!! I hate myself for allowing this to go on. I just feel like I have no power when it comes to him because of his reaction.

Why do you let him hurt you and make you hate yourself? You are a mother. Your responsibility is to your child. Stop wasting your time asking why he does this and ask yourself why you let him. You don't need to wait for him to stop it.

You will never be free of him when you're having sex with him every month!

I have tried with every sweat blood and tear to get this man out my life, but it's like he finds a chink in the armour every single time without fail. I literally sit there sometimes thinking HOW have I let this happen again?!?
I'm infuriated with myself, I could build a hundred foot steel wall around me and he would find a way to climb over. I swear that's exactly how it feels when I try to distance from him. He simply doesn't understand or see. I want to shake him and scream in his face LOOK AT EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. He honestly can't for the life of him work out why I won't commit to him.

On a lighter note I've just spent £11.99 on Lundy Bancrofts 'why does he do that'.

“I just want to be rid of him”, “I can’t stand to be around him or look at him” and “I still regularly have great sex with him” are not compatible statements.

The reason he thinks he is still entitled to involvement in your life is because YOU ARE SHAGGING HIM. Of course he thinks you still want him around. Why wouldn’t he think that when you’ve never stopped having sex with him?

There's no point building a hundred foot wall if you lower the drawbridge every time he gets his dick out.

Stopping having sex with him should be your first step.

If the only way to stop yourself doing it is do handovers in public then do that.

@bexxboo

I have tried with every sweat blood and tear to get this man out my life, but it's like he finds a chink in the armour every single time without fail. I literally sit there sometimes thinking HOW have I let this happen again?!? I'm infuriated with myself, I could build a hundred foot steel wall around me and he would find a way to climb over. I swear that's exactly how it feels when I try to distance from him. He simply doesn't understand or see. I want to shake him and scream in his face LOOK AT EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. He honestly can't for the life of him work out why I won't commit to him.

That's what abusers do, they know your weaknesses and exploit them. You can only escape this by forcing space and keeping your armour on.

He knows what he's doing so there's no point wishing he'd be more aware of his actions and stop. Creating space and praying he loses interest in you and meets a new woman is your best bet. It won't guarantee that he leaves you alone but it sometimes help as his focus will go elsewhere.

He keeps on coming back because you will shag him and it's easier to nag you to do it than go out and put the effort into charming some one else

@bexxboo

On a lighter note I've just spent £11.99 on Lundy Bancrofts 'why does he do that'.

Ooft, dunno if that's a 'lighter' note. Its pretty heavy going xD

A good read though. But just remember he worked with the most violent and abusive sorts. And that obviously abusers don't all have to be 'as bad' to be abusive.

Oh and, he does see. Again, he just doesn't want you to see that he sees. It's gaslighting. He wants you to feel like you don't have a right to/are completely unreasonable to not take him back.

He knows what he is doing. He just wants to invalidate your sense of right and wrong. To make you wonder if you are overreacting not to take him back. All one big trap.

[quote bexxboo]@Pinkbonbon but WHY does he want to hurt me and make me hate myself? I'm the mother of his child.[/quote]
Because he’s abusive and because he can. Each time you engage with him you give him the opportunity. He takes that, twists and turns it to mess your head as much as he likes.
You stop engaging. You say his mother is toxic and yet she should be involved because she’s your DD’s grandmother. No she doesn’t need to be involved.
Get a separate phone, or separate email and deal only with your child’s father through this. You only discuss childcare.
Do NOT let him buy things for you car/tv/ whatever. This is done purely to manipulate you.
Hand over your child in a public place and have someone with you.
You will only recover and become you again when you ditch him completely emotionally. You don’t need him or his family in your life.

Why does he want to hurt you?

Because its fun.

I remember when I first started dating him, he was so abusive toward his mother. Obviously I didn't see this to be a red flag, I just couldn't imagine him ever treating me like that. 5 years one child later, he treats me exactly the same if not worse.
In the beginning I was so ridiculously in love and obsessed with him I just believed everything he told me to be true.

The lying is really bad, he lies to everyone about things that don't even need lying about. He will make up a scenario to just make conversation with someone, I've heard him do it, even to his best friend.

Yes I know I need to stop sleeping with him, I have ventured out about a year ago I slept with a couple of people / dated and the result of that was not even worth it. I got so much abusive and shit for it, he still brings it up now. Im actually scared to date anyone. No one in my town will go near me because he's basically warned people off me, I've heard he's threatened a couple of people what would happen if they tried anything with me.

@Pinkbonbon a lot of what your saying hits home. Sorry to assume but have you been through something similar?

I've been recommended the book a few times now so think it worth a read.

This move isn't something I want them involved in but they have offered help and ex has offered to help buy a car and a tv etc

You know you don't have to accept offers, don't you?

It might sound harsh but he plays on your low self esteem OP and controls you by pushing the buttons knowing you will fall into his trap.

Please stop having sex with him - each time you do this it’s a “win” for him and a humiliation for you. He gains power over you every time.

He will never love or respect you - stop trying to get his approval of who you are.

You’re a mum now and you really need to focus on your child. Do you want her to grow up around him? What happens when he talks to her like shit too?

Please cut ties with him family too, don’t accept any help from them. Have you got any friends that can help you instead? Did you try Woman’s Aid?
www.womensaid.org.uk/

I think you do need to take some responsibility, yes I have been in this situation and it’s why I stopped letting my ex in my house, he is not allowed in, if he doesn’t come in your house you can’t sleep with him so stop letting him in. Get some boundaries.

Your destiny is in your own hands. You can stop this abusive treatment, it’s up to you to stop it. Yes you have a child together but don’t accept any help from either him or his mother, if you do they’ll expect payment in one way or another.
As for the ‘amazing’ sex, is it really worth it it? He’s using you. Another way of abusing you.

You need to stop all unnecessary contact and don’t tell him your new address. Handovers on neutral ground, take your sister or a friend with you for support. Respond only to communication about your child, ignore anything else he says. He will only stop hurting you when he realises he has no power over you any more and the only way you can show him that is to completely disengage. Keep evidence of any threats or abusive behaviour even if it’s just a written diary, you can apply to court to have his access limited or even stopped if he’s being abusive.

He has no power over you except what you chose to give him. Neither does his mother. Stop wondering what makes him tick and start working out what makes you tick. Learn to say "no".

Try internal family systems therapy. There is a self help book by jay early, and a good forum on Reddit, if you can't avoid a therapist right now.

Because of trauma, you have parts of you that want him and parts that really really don't. That's why he can always find a chink. Learning to connect with those parts, and heal them, will help you be consistent rather than feeling like you're sabotaging yourself.

[quote bexxboo]@Pinkbonbon a lot of what your saying hits home. Sorry to assume but have you been through something similar?

I've been recommended the book a few times now so think it worth a read. [/quote]
Glad it's ringing some bells ( well, maybe not "glad"tbf as it sucks of course). I've had various experiences. My grandmother was one...and she really, really did not like me. And I recognise that that in turn led me to have a few relationships that were similarly toxic. Until luckily i learned about npd. And how to spot these abusers. So I could break the cycle.

And I've spent the last 10 years learning about them, ran group projects to help raise awareness and think I was once something like the 2nd or 3rd biggest reddit poster on how to spot the bastards. Currently working on a book myself :) so maybe some good will come of it all in the end. Figured, I always get drawn back to these forums and trying to raise awareness so maybe its what I'm supposed to do. If I can ever bloody finish the thing xD because as passionate as I am about it...I'm also a lazy git xD

Lundy is excellent. But it's very hard hitting. Not an easy read. Might be worthwhile doing the freedom programme online if you get a chance too! Think it's only 12 quid.

Maybe read up on 'trauma bonding' too if no one has suggested it.

But yeah, cold turkey is the best approach op. You gotta set boundaries - for yourself.

The last thing you need to be doing right now is worrying about dating or having sex with someone else. You will fall right into another abusive relationship because you've not learned how to stop this one yet!

Stop dramatising your feelings. Make a decision to take some of the advice regarding handovers, cutting communication etc and stick to it. Be responsible for your own actions and stop blaming him for the decisions you make.

Focus on you and DD in your lovely new home where only those who love and protect you are allowed. That does not include him, his family, or his friends.

Wanna know a secret op? No, THE secret. He DOES know he is abusive. Heck, he intends to be abusive. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

It's a trick, a trap. To make you think he doesn't see. But he does see. He just doesn't care about hurting you. And he wants you to drive yourself crazy thinking he doesn't understand.

This 👆👆👆

As my grandma used to say “keep your hand on your ha’penny”

What are the chances of getting pregnant by him again?

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Like pp have said. Stop asking why. You can't fix him, he won't change. Stop having anything to do with any of them. The only contact you need is via text for child arrangements, stick to the point, be formal. Stop the addiction you have for him.
Keep going with the support, you can do this!

Stopping sleeping with him would be a really good start