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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if these people would help if they didn’t have the opportunity to brag about it on social media

65 replies

ButtercupOfFlorin · 05/03/2022 21:28

I’m quite possibly being cynical but I’m seeing A LOT of these kind of posts on local Spotted pages lately

“Yesterday I took a man who collapsed on the street to A&E. I didn’t get his name but on the journey he told me he lives on Crook Street, is 84 in September and has a daughter called Sally. Does anybody know how he’s doing???”

“A lovely lady posted on a for sale page the other day saying she was desperate for food to feed her young family. I contacted her and took a week’s worth of food to her house. I’ve lost her contact details and wanted to see if she was OK”

“A lady tripped and broke her elbow at the shopping mall today, I stayed with her and bought her a coffee as I called the ambulance, but didn’t get her name or any details - I wanted to know if she was OK”

“Today a family were lost looking for the crematorium so I drove them there and dropped them at the door just in time for the funeral. Wanted to check they were ok? Been thinking about them.”

I just look at these posts and think “Yes it’s nice what you did but the desperation for adoring comments is palpable” and I wonder if half these good deeds would happen if they couldn’t then go on social media and humble brag about it. You’d think surely they’d have found another way to contact them if they were THAT desperate - who gets a street address and not a name? And if you call an ambulance presumably you do get a name? AIBU to think it’s just a way to get a pat on the back and people are probably thinking at the time how they’ll have to post on social media later?

OP posts:
NETSRIK · 05/03/2022 22:02

Their lives revolve around social media validation. They just seem like very sad individuals who are oblivious that people can see through their desperate attempts for likes.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2022 22:07

It's exactly the same on Mumsnet except the excuse to crow about it is normally, "I told a friend and they said I was BU, so now I'm doubting myself?"

Followed by lots of "YANBU, you sound like a lovely person OP", to give them a warm fuzzy glow Grin

Hibye23289 · 05/03/2022 22:09

I know what you mean! 😂 Can't be too outing but there was an incident in my village and an overly bubbly mum from down the school set up a go fund me page, she then did a personal status asking for items or what not and somebody commented saying 'local hero' and she replied 'I try 😊' and the original commentor said no try the local heroes page they may be able to help with items 🤣🤣

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2022 22:12

@WorraLiberty

It's exactly the same on Mumsnet except the excuse to crow about it is normally, "I told a friend and they said I was BU, so now I'm doubting myself?"

Followed by lots of "YANBU, you sound like a lovely person OP", to give them a warm fuzzy glow Grin

Yes as soon as I get to ‘I told a friend’ I am immediately thinking no you didn’t and this never happened.
Kendodd · 05/03/2022 22:16

Anyone remember that thread about the psychology around virtue signalling?
This thread reminds me of that.
It puzzles me more why people feel the need to throw stones at people trying to do a bit of good.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/03/2022 22:18

Yes, but see also:
“I found this credit card on the ground, anyone know a Mrs Elise Westerton-Smith? Ask her to PM me”

  1. Tear up the credit card and chuck it away / send it back to the bank
  2. The woman has a unique name, look her up on FB first!

Also I never get why people share posts from local stuff across the other side of the world. Ie “black dog lost in New Jersey” then you get “shared in Northampton, UK”. Is the dog likely to have made its way across the Atlantic?

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2022 22:21

@Kendodd

Anyone remember that thread about the psychology around virtue signalling? This thread reminds me of that. It puzzles me more why people feel the need to throw stones at people trying to do a bit of good.
It puzzles me more why people feel the need to throw stones at people trying to do a bit of good.

People doing a bit of good is a completely separate topic.

The OP is talking about the need to broadcast it and to look for praise.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2022 22:23

Also I never get why people share posts from local stuff across the other side of the world. Ie “black dog lost in New Jersey” then you get “shared in Northampton, UK”. Is the dog likely to have made its way across the Atlantic?

And a closer inspection reveals the original post was from 2014 😂

Crimeismymiddlename · 05/03/2022 22:26

Often I think these good deeds on sm are made up, the people showing off about them are generally not the sort of people who go out of their way for others.
I was taught that for a good deed to be a good deed you tell no one about it.

Original poster
ButtercupOfFlorin · 05/03/2022 22:52

@ShirleyPhallus

Yes, but see also: “I found this credit card on the ground, anyone know a Mrs Elise Westerton-Smith? Ask her to PM me”
  1. Tear up the credit card and chuck it away / send it back to the bank
  2. The woman has a unique name, look her up on FB first!

Also I never get why people share posts from local stuff across the other side of the world. Ie “black dog lost in New Jersey” then you get “shared in Northampton, UK”. Is the dog likely to have made its way across the Atlantic?

🤣🤣one of my most favourite SM ‘wars’ was a cousin who lives in Cumbria who shared a post about a missing woman in Penrith (her nearest town). Until someone pointed out that it was Penrith Australia. Rather than admit it was a (easily made) mistake she argued for about 30 posts that she knew that but she was sharing just in case the woman DID come halfway across the world to hide in a pokey little market town Hmm Grin
OP posts:
EssexLioness · 05/03/2022 22:57

I agree. I read a horrible post on here earlier started by a virtue signalling OP that posted to say she donated to Ukraine and that she knew posting on here and telling people about it would motivate her. She admitted that without the knowledge that she was going to post on her, she probably wouldn’t have donated at all! The OP encourages other people to brag about their donations too. Ridiculous! I can’t believe that she needed to tell people about it in order to donate.

FOJN · 05/03/2022 23:03

I was taught that for a good deed to be a good deed you tell no one about it.

Me too. If you can't do a good turn without recognition you are a needy person not decent human being.

Theyulelog · 05/03/2022 23:09

The local towns community pages are the worst for this. Every damn day there are people seeking validation for their community good deeds.
One lady had 100 quid shoved in her letterbox for a good deed she did, she posted it on social media and kept updating the post with what she spent the money on ie I spent 20 quid on myself and the rest went on the local food bank.
Can’t help but feel if she was genuine about helping others, she wouldn’t need to broadcast it to the nation for more Facebook brownie points.
Doing good for doing is good is adequate and part of being a decent human being. You don’t need a round of applause.

I’ve had to leave some of the groups created to help Ukrainian refugees. The amount of people who say things for bloody validation.
Tonight people were looking for volunteers to help sort through donations and one woman wrote I would but I live too far away and don’t drive….why comment then!? Angry

Amnotamug · 05/03/2022 23:15

Sorry I disagree..virtue signalling is a MN expression ..have never heard that expression apart from MN ..think it is absolutely trashy.
Agree that people saying they are not sending Christmas Cards and donating to a charity are a PITA but sharing a charity donation etc is good publicity for the charity and increases social awareness !

foxy3 · 05/03/2022 23:17

Someone on a local fb community page asked where she could buy a badge showing the Ukraine flag and she got told she was virtue signalling a few times!
I keep seeing this phrase but hadn't heard of it before seeing it on mn

MurmuratingStarling · 05/03/2022 23:18

@EssexLioness

I agree. I read a horrible post on here earlier started by a virtue signalling OP that posted to say she donated to Ukraine and that she knew posting on here and telling people about it would motivate her. She admitted that without the knowledge that she was going to post on her, she probably wouldn’t have donated at all! The OP encourages other people to brag about their donations too. Ridiculous! I can’t believe that she needed to tell people about it in order to donate.
This. ^ There has been a lot of Ukraine bragging/virtue signalling on facebook on my small town facebook page. Literally dozens of people desperate for attention and validation. It's embarrassing to watch and read, and I have actually unfollowed the page a few days ago because it's getting so annoying.

One couple is constantly posting about how much they have done and how much they have collected, and keep posting photos of their little car bulging with boxes - fuck knows what's in them! Confused Literally 20 posts a day now. And it's the same car and the same boxes from different angles, with no word of where all this 'stuff' they allegedly have is going.

There was a thread on here a few days ago, saying 'AIBU to take in a Ukrainian refugee?' 🤣 Come ON, as if they were going to actually do this! And why ask this anyway? What a stupid AIBU! NO-ONE is going to say YABU! It was clearly a wind up, or plain and simple attention seeking.

I agree with a pp, it's not a good deed if you have to blab about it on social media, and/or to everyone you know. It's just a needy person trying to get attention, and likes and 'aww huns'. It's cringeworthy.

I also hate the hideous 'I'm not sending Christmas cards this year, I am donating money to charity' posts too. So irksome and attention seeking. No-one gives a shit 'hun!' D'ya want a medal?

Amnotamug · 05/03/2022 23:21

@ButtercupOfFlorin..to be fair I am a ridiculous dog lover and I do share any dogs lost on FB and yes I don’t necessarily look at the original post. Think you are being very harsh …sorry.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2022 23:32

@Amnotamug

Sorry I disagree..virtue signalling is a MN expression ..have never heard that expression apart from MN ..think it is absolutely trashy. Agree that people saying they are not sending Christmas Cards and donating to a charity are a PITA but sharing a charity donation etc is good publicity for the charity and increases social awareness !
It's really not just an MN expression

But even before the phrase was coined, virtue signalling was always a thing, it was probably just called something else.

MurmuratingStarling · 05/03/2022 23:39

@Amnotamug @WorraLiberty is correct. 'virtue signalling' is not a mumsnet phrase. It's been used for most of this century, but moreso in the last decade. It is definitely not just used on mumsnet. And the ones who are offended by the term are usually the ones who are guilty of it!

MurmuratingStarling · 05/03/2022 23:39

Agree with a pp about people posting 'found this debit card' with a photo of it (with the card number blocked out.) Just take it to the bank it belongs to or cut it up, and bin it, because there is 99.5% chance the person has cancelled it already and ordered a new one! I see this 3 or 4 times a WEEK on my town's facebook page (well before I unfollowed it a few days ago!) Drives me mad! In most cases, the person doesn't respond (coz they don't have facebook,) OR they respond and say, 'just bin it please, I have a new one on the way.'

Also, the bloody 'abandoned cat' ones get me. 3 or 4 times a week 'hey folks, does anyone know who this lovely torti belongs to, very friendly but seems lost. been feeding it, so it doesn't starve.'

NEWSFLASH!!! Cats roam! And 99% of the time it's not bloody lost. And stop feeding it. DON'T feed other peoples pets FFS!

Original poster
ButtercupOfFlorin · 05/03/2022 23:43

@MurmuratingStarling yes re cats!! Our neighbours have a cat and she had to post on our village page “My cat is not lost stop feeding her and posting it on here”. She puts collars on her but the rip-off ones so they come off all the time and people assume a chubby, healthy cat just be a stray 🙄

OP posts:
MurmuratingStarling · 05/03/2022 23:54

[quote ButtercupOfFlorin]@MurmuratingStarling yes re cats!! Our neighbours have a cat and she had to post on our village page “My cat is not lost stop feeding her and posting it on here”. She puts collars on her but the rip-off ones so they come off all the time and people assume a chubby, healthy cat just be a stray 🙄[/quote]
Yeah it's maddening! All of that happens on my page too!

Also, there have been a few cases of people saying 'I found this poor dear skinny malnourished cat today, I gave it some food, lots of meat, and milk... Contacting the RSPCA later as it's been badly neglected.'

Cue a seriously angry and upset owner, who says her cat is 18, and has diabetes, and struggles to gain weight, and is on meds, and special dry food. And he is NOT neglected. Bloody nosey gits. Threatening her with the RSPCA, trying to shame the owner on facebook so a witch hunt will ensue, and the cat is not neglected but very much loved. He is just a bit old and skinny and has a health condition for which he is being given meds and the right food for him!

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 06/03/2022 00:00

Ha. I saw someone post on fb the other day telling off strangers who took a photo of them helping a homeless man who had fallen/been assaulted as it “wasn’t a photo opportunity, I was just going about my day, doing something that I would always do”. As expected, a flurry of comments on their post “you sound lovely hun/awe your the best/your an angle” etc Hmm

sst1234 · 06/03/2022 00:05

Everyone’s full of empathy nowadays donchano? Never let a chance slip to make it all about themselves, how they feel, how it’s affecting them, etc.

sst1234 · 06/03/2022 00:14

@MurmuratingStarling

To these people, refugees are like a new hobby or an exotic pets. Wonder what they’ve ever done about refugees living in camps for decades in Jordan, Pakistan or countries neighbouring Sudan. These people are like poverty tourists, who go along to poor countries to gawp at slums and make ‘films’ or take a few bags of toys to give to children. Yeah, they really need toys when they don’t have running water.
They just want a hobby and recognition to go with it. Vacuous, self centred and embarrassing.