Won't eat. I've broken my toddlers.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Gah.

Hating myself right now. Toddlers are such shitty eaters and it's all my fault.

Today they've had some toast for breakfast, bit of fruit toast for lunch, mainly licking the cheese pancakes and spitting them out for tea.

If course they'd eat chocolate or cake or anything like that, but that's not the point is it.

They won't even eat frigging baked beans, the last bastion of anyone desperate to say their kid eats a vegetable.

They have milk at nap and bed time and I feel like that's the only decent nutrients they get and even then it's only cows milk.

Used to eat pasta great but have started leaving that too.

Yoghurt is fine

I'm going to end up with malnourished children who have life long issues with food and I don't know how to fix it.

@Brightandyoung exactly. Mine weren’t overly fussy but could be on occasion. However, they have always really loved flavourful food (spicy tasty, not spicy hot necessarily). I think the food we give our babies/toddlers in this country is really boring and bland compared to some places and I have sometimes wondered if this is part of the problem, lots of kids seem to be very fussy eaters. I do get the control thing though, that is definitely a thing!
@SleepingStandingUp, you have nothing to lose by stirring a bit of garam masala into some baked beans - see what happens!

Keep offering good food, but try not to worry. My eldest was a dreadful eater, she survived on eggs, yogurts and the occasional kiwi. She only ate tiny amounts too, and was underweight throughout her childhood. She had my heart broken. She is grown up now and fit as a fiddle, she eats everything, well everything except meat.

@picklemewalnuts

And, it's often nicer off someone else's plate! Never underestimate the power of tasting Mummy's special snack!

I'm so done eating when they're around for this reason. Maybe I should fake eat so it annoys me left when I've got two big two year olds squashing on my lap to poke my food 😂

When they don't eat, what do you do?
Do you ask them to? they're asked to sit back down and eat
Do you tell them they have to? no
Do you promise them pudding if they do? no, they get yoghurt regardless
Do you tell them 'x more mouthfuls'? no
Do you get upset? Do you get cross? Do you threaten them with consequences? no, I have a 6 Yr old with sensory and medical issues around eating. Tried every bribe going and have accepted years ago it doesn't work.
Do you try and spoon feed them? not a chance
Do you distract them with technology? they have telly on because afore-mentioned child eats better when he's got something else to focus on.
Do you make them something else, and when they don't eat that, something else? only on rare days so I make weetabix instead, but they always get yoghhrt
Do you let them have endless snacks instead? I probably am guilty of over snacking to make up for lack of eating, I'm trying to control that but it would be more around lunch than dinner
Do you fill them up on milk 'so they don't go to bed hungry'? they have milk at bed time. They still cwake up in the night for a drinl
Do you worry and stress and tell them they won't grow strong they're two

In my defense they get no drama from me. DS is partly tube fed, big sensory issues, short list of food. I've done all my begging and bribing, I do fundamentally know I can't make them eat. That's what's so frigging annoying lol because I know I can't do it.

I will check out the instragram page, and go through the ideas on here more thoroughly once they're asleep. Thank you everyojne

Mum told me that from the age of 1 to 2 I took in nothing but full-strength Ribera and milk (separately). I'm now 63 and it doesn't seem to have done me much lasting damage.

My DS was a rubbish eater. He's now 31, fit and well, and a better eater - not fantastic but definitely eats more than his toddler staples of nuggets and bread.

I also beat myself up, felt like a bad mum etc.

Advice that wasn't true for me:

"He'll eat if he's hungry". Turns out he has the appetite of a bird so rarely got hungry. And actually, he wouldn't eat what he hated even if he was a bit hungry.

"make it fun". Nope. Many hours I spent doing aeroplanes, cutting sandwiches into fun shapes etc, all wasted.

"get him involved". Nope. Not interested, and didn't work.

What would have worked better:

Eat the same as him and eat at the same time
Don't push, stress or fuss or show any emotion
Don't panic and give him fillers because he must be hungry etc. Stand firm.
Have some clear boundaries (lots of complicated guilt/relationship stuff going on that overspilled into my parenting)

One thing that did work:
When he was old enough we had a deal that we stuck to: if he tried something new he got rewarded, even if he didn't like it. Key was to make this safe: just one bite/taste and if he liked it great, if he didn't we left it. ALSO in this if he did like it we emphasised how great it was for his own pleasure to find something new and nice to eat (ie not that he'd pleased us but that there was something in it for him).

My DS is, I strongly suspect, high-functioning autistic and definitely has a very acute sense of taste.

Most importantly BREATHE and don't let it spoil your life with your babies.

If it helps, OP, my 2yo doesn't eat any vegetables. That's a lie - he will sometimes lick a red pepper and he'll dip chips in homemade "ketchup" (hidden veg tomato sauce), but that's it. By all accounts, he's been an 'adventurous' eater and will try most things... he still doesn't eat veg, though.

I don't worry about it. I have well and truly checked out of caring. I eat every meal with DS, we eat a healthy mostly balanced diet and he's offered veg at least once a day. We do 'safe foods' but we don't offer alternatives if he refuses dinner (unless he's unwell or extremely over tired, but I usually preempt this and offer something easy instead of having the power struggle).

I was a very picky eater as a child, and by the age of 9 or 10 I ate absolutely anything and still will (and FWIW my parents absolutely pandered to my palate and did all the things that we're told not to do; snacks, giving me alternative dinners, ASKING ME WHAT I WANTED, letting me eat alone in front of tv, etc).

From your update, it sounds like you're doing the right thing (besides the snacking, but I know how easy that can be to slip in to!) - and with the history of your older child it is understandable why you don't feel you can just check out of caring like I have. Check out Solid Starts on instagram (they have a website too that sells guides specifically around picky eating - the founder's 6yo is an extremely picky eater in recovery and her twins are v adventurous eaters), and Kids Eat in Color on fb/insta. Both help me a lot when I have a wobble.

Solid starts on instagram is amazing too, they echo a lot of the advice youve had here

Thanks.

My twins are awesome and funny and just the most gorgeous things ever but they just seem to be not doing so much god damn stuff it just turns into a circle of anxiety.

DgodD sat in the coffee shop earing chopped fruit and then said poo when she'd done a wee. She's 18 months.
Mine would have emptied the fruit out and then tried to decant whatever was in my cup unto their bowl (except I need caffeine and they're 13 years away from having it!!) and def don't tell me when they need to poo. They talk more in twin babble than English and so don't tell ne it's yuk or they're full or hungry (they'll walk me to the kitchen and intuit where the snack box is though). They don't sleep through, they wake at least once for a drink. They no longer go down to sleep without me touching them.

It just feels like a long list of things they CAN'T do because the stuff they can do (quack convincingly, howl like a wolf, spend ten minutes just kissing me, take off shoes faster than I can put them on) isn't on anyone's tick list.

@SleepingStandingUp so you have particular special circumstances so most of what other people do isn't relevant.

Biggest take home is, they will eventually eat. All you need to do- and all you can do- is encourage them (one way or another) to try lots of things. Sooner or later they'll find things they like.

Re them sitting in your lap to steal off your plate- use it! Put the food you want them to have on your plate. Settle in to 'eat' it, while they snaffle it. Have yours later! I know it's not relaxing, but what actually matters is that they'll be eating stuff.

Rename food in ways that will appeal to them.
'Hey, I saw some dinosaur steaks I the supermarket and I thought you might want to try them!'
'Did you know this is super Mario's favourite food?'
'Have you seen these miniature trees? I call them brocoltrees'. They're really tasty!'

And twins add an extra dimension of excitement to everything.

You could be describing my two year old to a T.

Solid Starts has great advice (backed up by scientific research and medical professionals) - solidstarts.com/10-steps-to-prevent-or-reverse-picky-eating/ is a great starting point. Their Instagram has lots more resources

Ellyn Satter’s books made a huge difference to us. She advocates the division of responsibility in feeding, where you decide the what, where and when (so 3 meals and 1 or 2 snacks, all sit down together with no distractions for these, so they start to learn when they’re coming. You offer a range of foods- including things they like. And then you let them decide the ‘whether and how much’ so if they don’t want it, it’s up to them, if they eat only one thing, they can. You eat with them, tuck in yourself, and let them get on with it, not making a big deal about what they eat or how much. If they don’t eat, they don’t get anything in between times- they just get told there’s another meal or snack coming at X time and they can have something then.

You can have meals to cater for everyone, so we used to have chicken fajitas a lot- me and smaller kids would eat the lot but DD (the reason I started the process) would have a wrap with cheese- but it still was like we were eating the same meal. Over time she tried some chicken and gradually started trying more foods. It’s been an absolute game changer for our fussy DD, started when she was 4. Sounds like you’re not making a big deal out of their eating anyway, but the structure of sitting down at set (ish) times could help?

@SuperSocks

When they don't eat, what do you do? Do you ask them to? Do you tell them they have to? Do you promise them pudding if they do? Do you tell them 'x more mouthfuls'? Do you get upset? Do you get cross? Do you threaten them with consequences? Do you try and spoon feed them? Do you distract them with technology? Do you make them something else, and when they don't eat that, something else? Do you let them have endless snacks instead? Do you fill them up on milk 'so they don't go to bed hungry'? Do you worry and stress and tell them they won't grow strong?

If so, please stop!! I can't tell you all the families I've come across in my years as a nanny who do this. They turn mealtimes into this massive drama and it's so unnecessary!! All you really need to do is:

Provide decent healthy food
Preferably sit down and eat the same thing at the same time
Stop talking about them eating or not eating, have relaxed happy chat instead
Promote good manners - they eat at the table and behave well. Spitting food out or throwing it is the end of that meal for them. Food is removed but they need to stay sitting until you've finished.
Provide lots of active outdoors play so they actually work up an appetite
Think to yourself 'If they eat, that's fine, if they don't eat, that's fine'
When you've finished, if they aren't going to eat any more they can get down too. Then that's it until the next meal, no snacks or milk or juice or anything.
Chill right out about the whole thing! Small children don't starve themselves to death. What they do do is test the limits to see what they can control and where they have power.

This And for older children, do what some French parents do - say "You don't like it because you haven't tried it enough yet." And insist on them trying a tiny bit...

Lots of good advice and tips from everyone here. My sister was very smug that her first born ate every type of healthy food and said my child was "fussy" and that it was my fault. How we laughed when her second would only eat processed ham, bread and nothing else - no veg, fruit, eggs - NOTHING ! Second child however, now eats normally, as do most of the world's population. Don't worry !!!

When my daughter was 2 she seemed to live on fresh air! I couldn't understand how she wasn't emaciated. She ate so little - a bit of yogurt, cheese scones, a bite of chicken now and then - very little else! I was always worried but the doctor said as long as she's thriving they don't worry. "Thriving" is defined as growing normally and having lots of energy. She's always been extremely energetic and tall! She's now 11 and the tallest in her class. As the years passed she gradually increased the number of foods she would eat. She has a really varied diet now. She is still a bit fussy but she'll try anything. If she goes to a friend's house she'll eat what she's given.

I just don't make an issue of meal times. They get what they're given and I sometimes give them a choice (I.e. one of two options). They eat what they eat. If they've done well then they can have something nice for afters if they want. If they haven't eaten much then snacks are limited to more boring things like rice cakes, yoghurt or fruit. Mine go through phases of eating well and then being fussy for a bit. I think it can depend on whether they're having a growth spurt though.

If you can, put them in a nursery for one or two days. Often seeing other children eat will help them.

6-24 months DS ate everything going and we congratulated ourselves on our expert parenting and BLW like previous posters have said.
Age 2-3 he wouldn’t eat a bloody thing, took against pasta which he’d previously loved. No interest in carbs at all, only protein. Continued to eat broccoli thank god, but no other veg.
3+ he’s back to eating everything and is even getting a taste for Spice. Interestingly he’s not keen on potatoes, as other posters have noted. He’ll try anything though and was even coaxing me to try honey the other day (I hate it).
So it’s probably a phase, like all parenting. I’m not assuming our DS will remain like this, though - that’d be too easy! I’m sure we’ve got more parental torture to come

This book is interesting on this subject.

I've come to the conclusion we often massively overestimate how much 2-3 year olds need to eat, we think they arent eating enough, so resort to all sorts of shit to get them to eat more.

Unless you have health concerns around their weight or height, I think all you can do is offer a healthy range of meals and snacks.

Btw people who have felt they have had success with Ellyn Satter....

Do you think it's actually the approach that's made your child eat a wider range of food, or is it really just that they've grown out of the worst of the picky eating?

I had a look at her stuff but it seemed like all it was doing was making me change my response to my child's eating, the timeframe I could apparently see my childs eating improve also basically coincided with said child out growing the age where fussy eating peaks

Eg it's like its main success is to make you give up trying/fighting while you wait for your child to grow up a bit more.

Not read any replies so forgive me if it's been suggested but could you offer a formula milk, even if one drink a day so they get added bits and mins?
I know it doesn't solve the eating but may make you feel a bit better?

Also a multi vitamin if they aren't already.