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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep this to myself if it burdens someone else by telling?

78 replies

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 03:08

My mother in law died 8 years ago after a five year battle with cancer. My husband really loved his Mum, and he was heartbroken. My PIL were married for 35 years, FIL can be a bit of jerk and they didn’t have the nicest relationship in my opinion.
About 6 months later, FIL started dating her close friend who had worked for them in their business. At the time, it did feel quite soon, but he was really happy and we liked this lady as a person. They broke up suddenly and bitterly a couple of years ago, FIL was very evasive about the reasons.
The relationship between FIL and my husband has deteriorated. FIL has made several upsetting decisions, had callings out with family members and is just generally a difficult person to get along with. But he is still my husband’s Dad, and our children’s only grandparent. He lives quite far away, we haven’t seen him since the pandemic started, we can’t have him stay (he’s an anti-vaxxer and being isolated together in a house if someone got covid would be a nightmare). But we’ve offered to put him up in a hotel on our road and do activities out of doors. He hasn’t taken us up on it, his proposed anti vaxxer position is he won’t get vaxxed and he won’t travel.
I’m just setting the scene that relationships aren’t at their best.
I was talking to my sister in law on the phone recently, and she told me (more assumed I knew) that FIL’s relationship had started when my MIL was alive and in palliative care. My husband’s grandmother saw them together. I suspected that it had started earlier than the official story, but not while she was actually alive.
I know if my husband knew, he’d probably cut him off. I tell my husband everything and I’ve known this for a few months and haven’t told him. I feel like I’m lying to him.
But what help would it be for him to know? It would just cause him pain and a falling out.

What should I do? Should I tell him?

U - tell him
NU - keep to yourself

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 03:11

Also, I think multiple family members already know obviously, and least Grandmother and BIL and SIL. Maybe more. So husband is in the dark about common knowledge.

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 05/03/2022 03:12

The relationship has split up? Where's the point in raising it with anyone now?

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 03:15

And FIL is no longer together with this woman. So it’s more like a past wrong than a current concern.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 03:16

Yes that’s it.
What I’m more worried is it will come out and also come out that I knew and didn’t say anything.

OP posts:

Rodion · 05/03/2022 03:17

I think the most painful thing would be if he ever found out that you knew and didn't tell him, so on that basis I'd tell him. But it's horrible have info like this where it's lose lose so you have my sympathies.

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 03:27

It feels very lose-lose.

OP posts:

Frannibananni · 05/03/2022 04:01

If it’s common knowledge he will find out and unfortunately there is a chance he will find out you knew. How is he likely to react to that?

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 04:13

I’m not the greatest fan of my FIL. But I keep it to myself and am always polite to and about him. I don’t want to influence opinions either way, bringing this up out of the blue feels like that a bit, like it’s sort of: “your Dad’s a jerk and here’s another reason why”. I don’t want to be someone who gets involved and sways husband’s feelings, I want to leave their relationship to them.

If the topic came up, I could say it then. If it’s assumed general knowledge maybe someone else will inadvertently tell him.

I wish I didn’t know, and I wish it hadn’t happened. I don’t want my husband to have no parents.

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 05/03/2022 04:26

Maybe your Husband knows this already, and can't bring himself to talk about the past, because he was very fond of his Mother, and he just would rather think of the memories of his Mother , instead of anything that taints the memories he has of her.

3luckystars · 05/03/2022 04:29

You don’t know for sure, you didn’t see anything with your own eyes, so just keep out of it, things are bad enough!
He sounds like hard work, at least you don’t have to live near him. All the best.

StormyWindow · 05/03/2022 04:33

I think the potential for damage to your marriage is probably more important than the damage to his already distant relationship with his dad tbh. Enough people know that it's likely to come out and at least if you tell him he will have you by his side for support. If he finds out you knew and didn't tell him that leaves him feeling betrayed and with no one he feels is on his side. You're not responsible for what his dad has done and 'protecting' DH from the truth has the potential to do far more damage imo.

Nandocushion · 05/03/2022 04:55

Is there any way to get one of the family to tell him instead?

Monty27 · 05/03/2022 05:02

For one thing your fil wasn't necessarily in anything other than a work relationship but got close to his colleague who supported him through the worst of his DWs passing.
Who's judging who.
Leave them alone.
Tell your DP what exactly?

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 05:37

That’s true, and possible. However, she didn’t work for them by that time (had left about a year earlier), was definitely MIL’s friend versus his, and he was meeting up with her secretly. The grandmother saw them together (albeit not in the act), driving in a car on a day he was supposed to be at work. We were all staying at the house for MIL’s final weeks. He never mentioned meeting with her.

This is too much like gossipy detail. But it’s what my SIL told me. BIL and SIL didn’t like this woman, and we’re very anti the relationship, and we didn’t understand why. But this turned out to be the reason, SIL explained. She thought I knew, they thought we were oddly accepting of the relationship and resented us for that.
She’s a genuinely nice lady and we liked her.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 05:39

I think while both in the wrong, FIL much more in the wrong obviously. But they don’t see it that way. I think my husband would be very hurt and feel betrayed for his Mum.

OP posts:

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 05:43

Speak to which ever in law is his sibling and ask them if DH knows and if not could they please tell him or you'll have to.

PercyPiginaWig · 05/03/2022 05:48

Who is your DH's actual sibling?
If they thought he was oddly accepting of the relationship why didn't they mention it to him. And when you explained that you/he didn't know why was it not discussed with your DH then.

I'd find a way to bring it up andxtell him that some family members believe the father was in a relationship prior to the mother's death and of course you can't know if it's true but they might ask his opinion on the matter at some point. Maybe your DH suspected anyway.

MintyFreshBreath · 05/03/2022 05:50

Keep it to yourself. What good is it going to do? It’s shit but FIL will only deny it (assuming your DH doesn’t already know) so I’d just leave it.

ANUsernam · 05/03/2022 06:20

You have to tell him imo. If it were something only you knew, or no-one knew you knew, you could keep it to yourself. But as pp have said the potential for damage to your relationship is too great if he finds out - and finds out you knew.

Your sil mentioned it to you assuming you knew, so there's a high probability of it being mentioned to your DH with them being even more likely to think he knows more they know you know.

Chikapu · 05/03/2022 06:31

So they were seen in a car together and he never mentioned it? Based on that ludicrously flimsy 'evidence' I wouldn't say anything. You'd just be passing on gossip.

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 06:35

I wish I didn’t know, and I wish it hadn’t happened. I don’t want my husband to have no parents.

It’s really not that big a deal, OP. MIL is sadly no longer alive and FIL has split with her best friend now. Your DH may not be heartbroken as you think, just tell him.

Summerfun54321 · 05/03/2022 07:16

Your FIL was seen in a car with his wife’s friend who was also a work colleague of both of theirs? Who knows when the romantic relationship started but I wouldn’t assume it was then. Being in a car together is a million miles away from a romantic meal or date. They could have easily formed a close bond united by grief, that turned into something more when your MIL died.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 07:22

I’m usually in the ‘tell’ camp but wouldn’t say anything as it’s essentially just gossip.

It sounds like your H has decided to be low contact with his father, himself and with respect to your DC. Would respect that and not interfere.

Staryflight445 · 05/03/2022 07:23

You can’t keep that from him op.
Any fall out from it wouldn’t be your fault, he’d find out eventually and imagine if he finds out from someone else and they told him you knew.

Its disrespectful to withhold that info from him imo.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 07:24

Also, an affair might well not have been the worst thing FIL did: you’ve implied he wasn’t good to MIL for years.

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