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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep this to myself if it burdens someone else by telling?

78 replies

TheRawPrawn · 05/03/2022 03:08

My mother in law died 8 years ago after a five year battle with cancer. My husband really loved his Mum, and he was heartbroken. My PIL were married for 35 years, FIL can be a bit of jerk and they didn’t have the nicest relationship in my opinion.
About 6 months later, FIL started dating her close friend who had worked for them in their business. At the time, it did feel quite soon, but he was really happy and we liked this lady as a person. They broke up suddenly and bitterly a couple of years ago, FIL was very evasive about the reasons.
The relationship between FIL and my husband has deteriorated. FIL has made several upsetting decisions, had callings out with family members and is just generally a difficult person to get along with. But he is still my husband’s Dad, and our children’s only grandparent. He lives quite far away, we haven’t seen him since the pandemic started, we can’t have him stay (he’s an anti-vaxxer and being isolated together in a house if someone got covid would be a nightmare). But we’ve offered to put him up in a hotel on our road and do activities out of doors. He hasn’t taken us up on it, his proposed anti vaxxer position is he won’t get vaxxed and he won’t travel.
I’m just setting the scene that relationships aren’t at their best.
I was talking to my sister in law on the phone recently, and she told me (more assumed I knew) that FIL’s relationship had started when my MIL was alive and in palliative care. My husband’s grandmother saw them together. I suspected that it had started earlier than the official story, but not while she was actually alive.
I know if my husband knew, he’d probably cut him off. I tell my husband everything and I’ve known this for a few months and haven’t told him. I feel like I’m lying to him.
But what help would it be for him to know? It would just cause him pain and a falling out.

What should I do? Should I tell him?

U - tell him
NU - keep to yourself

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 05/03/2022 07:27

You don't actually know anything though, do you?

Sparticuscaticus · 05/03/2022 07:27

It may be what Summer has suggested. It may be something more.

It isn't about your DHs relationship with his dad, it's about yours with DH. He will eventually hear this rumour- this will gossip/ belief/being seen in car etc come out sometime to DHs ears followed by a version of "yes we said to Prawn ages ago that we thought you strangely accepting of the relationship given that ..."

Talk to him, that it may be something or nothing and that you're here for him.

Sparticuscaticus · 05/03/2022 07:30

What I expect from my partner is honesty. We are a team.

I would be angry if he kept secrets "for my own good "

And if they were about my family, not even his, I would be beyond livid. That would be the bigger betrayal and I think that's the overriding issue here

Crazykefir · 05/03/2022 07:31

You husband hasn't seen this man for 2 years and the relationship is over.
Is sil his sibling? Or sil she should be sharing this info with you tbh.

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 07:31

@TheRawPrawn

That’s true, and possible. However, she didn’t work for them by that time (had left about a year earlier), was definitely MIL’s friend versus his, and he was meeting up with her secretly. The grandmother saw them together (albeit not in the act), driving in a car on a day he was supposed to be at work. We were all staying at the house for MIL’s final weeks. He never mentioned meeting with her.

This is too much like gossipy detail. But it’s what my SIL told me. BIL and SIL didn’t like this woman, and we’re very anti the relationship, and we didn’t understand why. But this turned out to be the reason, SIL explained. She thought I knew, they thought we were oddly accepting of the relationship and resented us for that.
She’s a genuinely nice lady and we liked her.

In that case can you ask SIL/BIL (whichever DH is related to) to clear the air with him and explain why, very soon so you're not keeping it from DH long?
Crazykefir · 05/03/2022 07:32

Sorry she should be telling her brother

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 07:36

What’s to tell?

‘X says that Y saw your father and his ex in a car together at Z time. X also says that A and B said that your father and the woman were in a relationship while your mum was unwell.’

Fair enough, but simple gossip.

JellybabyGina87 · 05/03/2022 07:37

Keep out of it if you don't want to stir up drama. It's none of your business. His wife was dying and he grew close to another woman. Who knows what people do in those circumstances to help them cope. She may have been a support for him. I wouldn't judge someone if I didn't know the whole story and you don't really know much.

notanothertakeaway · 05/03/2022 07:43

He was seen in a car? Doesn't necessarily imply in a relationship. I wouldn't sir gossip which may be unfounded

wingscrow · 05/03/2022 07:44

It will come out anyway as too many people already know.

Tell your partner. He will be angry if he hears about it on the grapevine and realises he was the only person not to know...

Your FIL sounds like he is is not nice person anyway and this new piece of information might actually help your partner see him for who he really is.

My toxic parents told me a lot of lies, the truth eventually came out one way or another. Nothing good ever come from keeping secrets.

Teenytinyflowers · 05/03/2022 07:46

On my own recent experience I would say tell him yourself because someone will tell him and its much better coming from you. We have had a situation in the family where two people knew something kept it hidden…inevitably it came out and people in our community mentioned it to us and caught our family really unaware. When it came out that two family members knew all about it there was a family meeting and lots of angry tears.There is a HUGE amount of anger, mistrust and resentment towards the people that knew now…they aren’t trusted with anything.There was no blow out row about it but relationships are definitely damaged with the people who kept it to themselves.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 05/03/2022 07:52

what's to tell?
It's not the tidbit that 'he was in the car with her' (and who knows, maybe it was other things too. People are not idiots and intuition about who is sleeping together is often correct).

What you are telling is this: who knows if it is true or not but there is a belief in your family that the relationship started while your mum was alive still.

As pps have said, it's going to come out at some point, and also that you knew, and that could fracture your relationship with your husband.

AlternativePerspective · 05/03/2022 07:52

It’s gossip. They were seen together. Yet she was your MIL’s friend. it might have been innocent and a relationship might have started out of mutual support, or they might have got together while MIL was in palliative care which tbh isn’t unusual. Often when someone has a terminal illness the partner has already done their real grieving by the time the person dies, and often support will lead to more because the relationship as was has to all intents and purposes been over for a while anyway.

It’s not very palatable but it’s reality.

I would stay out of it.

lightand · 05/03/2022 07:53

Your relationship with your husband is built on you telling him things.
If I were you I would be more comcerned about your relationship with your husband, than anything else.

So tell him.

RewildingAmbridge · 05/03/2022 07:53

I would tell my husband, it's his family and it wouldn't feel right to know something he didn't about them and it could cause damage to your relationship and his trust of you if he finds out you knew and didn't tell him.
When we first knew each other there was lots of tension between DH and MIL, resentment in part from his childhood that she hadn't told his biological father he existed, in DHs mind denying the chance of them having a relationship. He also felt other things didn't add up.
Due to the work I was doing at the time MIL told me that DH had been born in a women's refuge, that's why the town on his BC wasn't the hospital local to their hometown. I asked if that's why she hadn't told his bio dad she was pregnant and that DH would understand that, she then dropped the bombshell that she had but the dad had refused to have anything to do with the baby because it turned out he had another partner also pregnant, who thirty years later he is married to and still with. There was no way I was keeping that secret. I told her I thought she should tell him, she refused. I told DH he ought to ask his mum directly about some of the questions she'd evaded in the past, she refused to answer him made up more lies that contradicted what she'd told him before which further escalated the issues and damaged their relationship. I had to tell him everything she'd said to me. After that they did work on their relationship and MIL had counselling, she's also had a rough childhood and experienced a lot of trauma that had led to a pattern of secrecy. They are now really close and whilst MIL can still be a bit emotional she's now open about why.
DH still has really strong feelings about people who lie to him, due to his learned behaviour and experiences over so many years. If I had kept it from him I would've been part of the problem.

MissMaple82 · 05/03/2022 07:53

Bloody hell, say nothing obviously.

HabitsDieHard · 05/03/2022 07:54

I'd be so upset if my husband kept a secret like this from me. I think you need to tell him and go from there.

ldontWanna · 05/03/2022 07:54

You can either ask his siblings to tell him themselves or you do it.

There was nothing to tell up until now as all you had were suspicions because of the timing. If you really think he'll take it badly, it'll be even worse if he realises that everyone knew,including you and you all kept him in the dark. In his eyes that will be another betrayal.

It's not out of the blue either, just say SIL rang you and this is what she said. Tbh it's a normal conversation to have after such a phone call . It sucks, but it is what it is.

IamMaz · 05/03/2022 08:00

I wouldn't say anything. From your point of view it's just speculation anyway. If your DH ever questions you about it, that's what you could say.

bigred22 · 05/03/2022 08:01

I think he should know, but how are you going to broach that after knowing for a few months?

RampantIvy · 05/03/2022 08:06

Get your SIL to tell him.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 05/03/2022 08:12

@Sparticuscaticus

What I expect from my partner is honesty. We are a team.

I would be angry if he kept secrets "for my own good "

And if they were about my family, not even his, I would be beyond livid. That would be the bigger betrayal and I think that's the overriding issue here

I agree. If the relationship with FIL is virtually broken anyway it would be a shame for yours to suffer because your DH couldn't trust you.

You keeping it from him is a betrayal of trust IMO.

MoonBat · 05/03/2022 08:13

I think in this particular situation, there is an important difference between you "knowing" as in seeing something happen at the time, and "being told" something happened years later by someone else.
Not that I'm saying it's not true, nobody can know that. But, trying to put myself in your husband's situation here, I think I'd be more hurt if my partner KNEW something had happened and didn't tell me. If they were told, I would wonder why the person hadn't told me rather than my partner.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 05/03/2022 08:17

@bigred22

I think he should know, but how are you going to broach that after knowing for a few months?
I might say I'd been worrying about it to an extent, but that I'd found out 'recently'....

Recently is a suitably relative term to use to gloss over the period of time. If he asks for specifics it's bad luck but you'd have to be honest, or play the 'not sure' card and make it a little smaller than it actually is.

romdowa · 05/03/2022 08:19

It seems this secret is common and your husband will find out eventually, if he finds out you knew and didn't tell him, how will he react? If I were your husband I would be deeply Hurt that my wife didn't tell me. It would be a double betrayal.