To keep this to myself if it burdens someone else by telling?

[TheRawPrawn]

My mother in law died 8 years ago after a five year battle with cancer. My husband really loved his Mum, and he was heartbroken. My PIL were married for 35 years, FIL can be a bit of jerk and they didn’t have the nicest relationship in my opinion.
About 6 months later, FIL started dating her close friend who had worked for them in their business. At the time, it did feel quite soon, but he was really happy and we liked this lady as a person. They broke up suddenly and bitterly a couple of years ago, FIL was very evasive about the reasons.
The relationship between FIL and my husband has deteriorated. FIL has made several upsetting decisions, had callings out with family members and is just generally a difficult person to get along with. But he is still my husband’s Dad, and our children’s only grandparent. He lives quite far away, we haven’t seen him since the pandemic started, we can’t have him stay (he’s an anti-vaxxer and being isolated together in a house if someone got covid would be a nightmare). But we’ve offered to put him up in a hotel on our road and do activities out of doors. He hasn’t taken us up on it, his proposed anti vaxxer position is he won’t get vaxxed and he won’t travel.
I’m just setting the scene that relationships aren’t at their best.
I was talking to my sister in law on the phone recently, and she told me (more assumed I knew) that FIL’s relationship had started when my MIL was alive and in palliative care. My husband’s grandmother saw them together. I suspected that it had started earlier than the official story, but not while she was actually alive.
I know if my husband knew, he’d probably cut him off. I tell my husband everything and I’ve known this for a few months and haven’t told him. I feel like I’m lying to him.
But what help would it be for him to know? It would just cause him pain and a falling out.

What should I do? Should I tell him?

U - tell him
NU - keep to yourself

I would just say ‘I was chatting to your sister on the phone yesterday and she said something to me as if I knew about it. I didn’t, but I think I need to tell you, as other members of the family seem to know. That is your father’s relationship with xxx began before we though it did.’

Then he might say he already knew or he might say what do you mean. Then you just relay what you know as a headline and point him to phone his sister for details.

The grandmother saw them together (albeit not in the act), driving in a car on a day he was supposed to be at work. We were all staying at the house for MIL’s final weeks. He never mentioned meeting with her.

When my husband was dying, there are people who would have seen me with a male friend, on some of the rare occasions that I was able to leave the house.
It's churning my stomach right now, that anyone might have been thinking (never mind telling my family) that I was having a relationship with him while my DH was dying. He was, and still is, just a good and supportive friend.

The fact that FIL did have a relationship with this woman afterwards, does NOT mean that he was then, so no, you do NOT pass this gossip on to your DH as if it was truth.
Maybe, back then (just as in my case) at the worst of times, your FIL had a friend he could lean on for support. What she became later does not enter into your dilemma.

Seriously, this OP has really bothered me. It would be the worst possible thing for anyone to have gossiped about me and passed that onto my kids.

If you don't want to tell him then don't, his mum's dead, the relationship is over and it's basically gossip. If he finds out in the future and finds out that you had been told then just tell him you considered it gossip (unless the evidence was more than just 'seeing them together') and so didn't think there was anything to tell.

However if this is going to cause you worry and upset then just tell him, there's no point putting yourself through that for other people's secrets, especially when those people aren't very nice anyway. As for worrying about destroying his relationship with his father - will it doesn't sound like there's much to destroy to be honest.

I think you need to reframe this information in your mind from “I know FIL was having an affair before MIL died” to “I know that FIL was seen out and about with affair partner before MIL died and people are speculating the affair started before MIL died.”

If I have understood your information correctly the second version is the truth of what you know. Tell your husband if you want to, or don’t but be clear to yourself and him that all you know and all you are telling him is gossip.

I.e. I wanted to let you know that so and so saw your dad travelling in the car with other woman before MIL died. It might have been innocent but your brother thinks the relationship stated before MIL died. I don’t want to upset you but I don’t want you to be in the dark about what people are saying.

As you say MIL fought a 5 year battle with cancer I think the family should perhaps show a little discretion to FIL and let sleeping dogs lie. There but for the grace of god.

I don't think this sounds like conclusive evidence at all I'm afraid. I'd be saying to my husband something like 'just to let you know, bil and sil said that fil was seen driving around with mil's friend once before mil died when he said he was at work so they think that later relationship may have started by then. Obviously it's not conclusive but I wanted to be aware as it seems to be common knowledge about them being seen together.'

But seriously this is a MASSIVE reach from in car together to affair.

It sounds like gossip, and will do no good to anyone passing it on. You didn’t see it yourself so saying it will just cause upset.
Sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

It’s speculation and gossip.

I wouldn’t say anything for that reason alone. And especially because it would make your husband so upset on his Mum’s behalf.

So he was seen in a car with someone he later had a relationship with.

It doesn’t mean that the relationship started before your mil died.

But I’d tell your Dh what your BIL & SIL think but imo it can only ever be unsubstantiated gossip. And I’d only tell him in case he found out later that I knew.

Just say you dismissed it as gossip as no evidence so didn’t see the point in upsetting him?

It is secondhand hearsay, really. It just makes a lot of sense looking back.
It’s not as though FIL told me himself.
I think previous posters are correct, I don’t know-know anything, all I know is what other family members THINK.

I do think I will explain that’s why they didn’t like the other woman, because that’s what they think happened. That’s not stating hearsay as facts.

Why are they telling you this anyway? Sounds like a bit of shit stirring to me, either way it puts you in an awkward position.

SIL had called to complain about FIL who was staying with them at the time. She has a long list of grievances, this was just one of them. I don’t think it’s shit-stirring per se.

And I was saying that I missed the GF because FIL was much easier to deal with when she was around as she was really nice and kind of kept him in line. That prompted her to say what she said.

I think as this is hearsay you shouldn't say anything. You risk upsetting him deeply for something that you have no proof of

The grandmother saw them together (albeit not in the act), driving in a car on a day he was supposed to be at work.
But they worked together. We don't know why they were in the car together, business meeting, go collect an office item that needed 2 people to carry, she wanted a lift to the shops while he went to the bank or whatever. Normal for people that work in the same building to say 'I'm going to supermarket/corner shop/bank, anyone want a lift or can I get you something?'
Does not follow they were having a relationship then.

It seems you're in a lose-lose either way. Personally, I'd lean towards not saying anything. All it will do is hurt your DH, and achieve nothing positive.

I was in a similar position... After my dad died very suddenly, planning his funeral, I went onto his computer to research a poem. And long story short, it turned out he'd been googling a suicide method.

Then only person I ever told was my dad's older brother, and together we made the decision we wouldn't ever tell anyone else in the family, and certainly not my mum. It would achieve nothing but causing pain. So we'll carry that secret to the grave, to save others from unnecessary hurt.

@Cherryana

I would just say ‘I was chatting to your sister on the phone yesterday and she said something to me as if I knew about it. I didn’t, but I think I need to tell you, as other members of the family seem to know. That is your father’s relationship with xxx began before we though it did.’

Then he might say he already knew or he might say what do you mean. Then you just relay what you know as a headline and point him to phone his sister for details.

This almost word for word how I would approach this tbh

@feministqueen

I think as this is hearsay you shouldn't say anything. You risk upsetting him deeply for something that you have no proof of

But wouldnt he be more upst when he does find out and SIL drops OP in the shit by telling him that OP knew ages ago.

@TheRawPrawn

SIL had called to complain about FIL who was staying with them at the time. She has a long list of grievances, this was just one of them. I don’t think it’s shit-stirring per se.

No, but she is putting you in an awkward position by telling you something that may or may not be true.

Whilst they were seen in the car together does NOT mean they had started an affair. They might have done, or they might not. Really don't think passing that nugget on would help in any way whatsoever.

Such a shame but if others.know it would be safe to assume they think you and your DH know so?only a matter of time to someone else says something. Would your DH accept why you didn't tell him? If not then yes you probably do have to tell him.

Tell him because the worst case scenario is that he finds out that you knew.

That said I think you need to be careful about how you present it. It doesn’t seem clear that he did start the relationship and even if he did I’m not sure I could judge. Relationships often start from awful circumstances.

@Chikapu

So they were seen in a car together and he never mentioned it? Based on that ludicrously flimsy 'evidence' I wouldn't say anything. You'd just be passing on gossip.

This exactly!! Could they have been going to make a funeral flower selection or something? You could imagine how it would happen... he could say to MIL best friend.... I have to do XYZ and she could say, could I help you?

I thought the evidence was going to be something more substantial like OW said it was so or they were seen out for a romantic meal.

Also I get the impression he is not generally likeable... so are they definitely being fair?

The sitting in a car together is a red herring. That’s all MIL saw but doesn’t mean there is no further evidence.

Actually I think that unfortunately, starting a new relationship with a mutual friend whilst a partner is still living is quite common. It’s also quite common for the dying person to become quite emotionally removed as they prepare to die. So whilst not excusing FIL or the friend it’s quite complex.

I think OP you need to say something as suggested before along the lines of, ‘I’ve heard this and don’t know if it’s true but I don’t want you to find out later and feel you were the only one who didn’t know.’ He might want to confront his DF or put it out of his mind.