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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About feeling resentful re volunteering?

68 replies

UltraLightfly · 04/03/2022 10:00

About a year ago, a small, local charity were advertising that they were in desperate need of admin support/ Charity Secretary. I had some spare time and thought I'd offer some help.

All fine, the current charity secretary was retiring after 15 years doing it, so we met up and she gave me a handover and all of the documents etc I'd need, great.

Except more and more is now being asked of me, since starting with the volunteering, I have started a new job and it is so much more intense than my old one.

We have two meetings a month, each 2.5 hours long and I don't get home til 10pm. I then have to type up all the minutes from said meetings.

There are only 7 of us in this charity and they like to run 5 fundraising events each year, it's becoming increasingly clear that my attendance at all these events is required, on top of helping to organise them and the other general admin.

It's just too much and the last event we had, I went for 2 hours in the morning to help set up and 2 hours in the afternoon to help take down/ clear up but I was the only one out of the whole committee not to stay for the entire day/event. I couldn't, I had things to do.

Noone has ever said I would be required to attend all the events, if that had been said to me at the beginning then I wouldn't have agreed to do the admin.

These other members all live and breathe this charity, they're retired and so have the time for this! I'm getting a lot of hostility sent my way because we're due to put another 2 events on soon and I have no interest in or inclination to want to stand around all day at them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ElsieLappin · 04/03/2022 10:02

You've tried but it's time to hand over the reins, you can't do everything

Supersimkin2 · 04/03/2022 10:05

They need someone retired to do this. You’ve given them a lot already - too much? And it’s time for some new blood.

Original poster
UltraLightfly · 04/03/2022 10:12

I feel bad giving it up, I don't mind doing the admin but I don't want to be attending events. Saying that to the other 6 in a meeting though won't go down well at all and I tend to be a bit meek/ dislike confrontation. I'm due to start a professional course for work soon which genuinely will take up a few evenings a week so I'm thinking that could be my get out Blush

They really struggle to get volunteers and now I know why. It's because they expect the earth!

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 10:13

Give your notice to them. You’re too busy in your own life for it.

SatinHeart · 04/03/2022 10:16

You've started a new job and you've got a professional course coming up - that's your get out right there. You can't offer the charity the level of commitment they need so it's only fair to step aside. Sounds like you're not getting much out of doing this role, so walk away. The others are all retired, can't one of them do it?

Whitney168 · 04/03/2022 10:19

Surely it doesn't necessarily need to be all or nothing - why not have a conversation with them, tell them what you are prepared/able to give, and give them the opportunity to take or leave it?

If they are happy with that approach, then be firm with your boundaries.

Brefugee · 04/03/2022 10:23

Don't feel bad, you gave it a good shot but it doesn't work. You might want to recommend to them when they recruit your replacement that they are realistic about the number of hours they need

MintJulia · 04/03/2022 10:26

You've helped them out but you need to make it clear to them that you have other obligations and you won't attend events.

If they don't like it, resign. Life's too short.

Wilkolampshade · 04/03/2022 10:28

I do a fair bit of volunteering OP and you always know when it's time to go. Don't feel bad, better to leave whilst you 're still on good terms. The new job conditions are an honest 'out'.

couldhave · 04/03/2022 10:32

resign

LittleOwl153 · 04/03/2022 10:32

I've done similar. But on the finances side of a small charity. The workload increased and increased and noone was prepared to support - other than paying the paid worker extra hours to do some bits... (!)

In the end I put a note on the end of my finance report that gets emailed around that I would be finishing at the end of the current financial year (giving about 4 months notice) as I have other commitments and need to work more hours.

They are unimpressed and I am getting constant emails about recruiting a replacement, training someone to do the role who has no finance experience etc. Frankly if I had the time to do any of that...

couldhave · 04/03/2022 10:33

... don't be resentful, it's not their fault, just politely resign asap

AtLeastPretendToCare · 04/03/2022 10:34

You simply tell them with your new job and starting new professional qualification unfortunately you aren’t going to be able to continue in your role after the end of the month. That you’ve enjoyed doing it. That you’re happy to do a handover to whomever will take over your role. That you wish them well in the important work the charity does.

Hang firm if they get you to continue for a while longer - regretfully you can’t.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 04/03/2022 11:07

That’s the trouble with volunteering quite often. You take on something which escalates until you find your spending your own time and money on things that often, other people are being paid for.

I gave up one volunteering job, when I was asked to fill in a holiday rota and told I could only be away at certain times. Fine, if it’s paid employment, but not fine when you give your time and energy free.

Sheilablessus · 04/03/2022 11:12

By definition it is something that you fit in between main responsibilities.
They should understand the need to prioritise.
Thank You for what you have done for the people who benefit from the charity.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/03/2022 11:34

I always say to our volunteers that any time they can give is a bonus. Absolutely no commitment to turn up every time or stay the whole period when they do turn up. To my mind, "volunteering" means giving your time willingly, not accepting all the onerous conditions of a paid job, without the pay.

They need someone retired to do this. You’ve given them a lot already - too much? And it’s time for some new blood. I find it amusing that every organisation I'm involved in is trying to attract "new blood", by which they mean younger people. Yet it's the newly retired who have both the time and inclination to put the effort in. We really shouldn't be trying to discourage them.

RishiRich · 04/03/2022 11:37

This is why I don't do regular volunteering anymore. It starts off with 'one evening a week' and then it turns into something that you hate because it takes over your whole life. I've rarely felt such relief as I did when I left my last volunteering role. Never again.

It's ok to state your boundaries or it's ok to leave OP, whichever you want to do. You have done them a massive favour and they should be grateful.

BirdOnTheWire · 04/03/2022 11:42

Volunteering is almost always thankless.
Send in your resignation from now so you don't have to go to another meeting. The relief will be wonderful.

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 12:11

@BirdOnTheWire

Volunteering is almost always thankless. Send in your resignation from now so you don't have to go to another meeting. The relief will be wonderful.
This.

You did a good thing, but cannot continue.

Don't be apologetic or regretful.

You have huge demands on your time.
End of.

Don't procrastinate.
Just do it.

goteam · 04/03/2022 12:16

I have volunteered for several charities big and small for years at a time and when the time came to step down because I was busy with work (or in the most recent case because I was juggling homeschool and work in the 2020 lockdown) they have been really ungrateful and never thanked mr for the time I already gave. I'm not volunteering again. Not even when I retire in 20 years!

goteam · 04/03/2022 12:18

@BirdOnTheWire it really is thankless

VenusClapTrap · 04/03/2022 12:36

I feel your pain. I am currently up to my eyes in a local organisation and the stress is keeping me wide awake every night. I used to love being involved, when I just came to their events, but now I’ve come to hate it. If I leave now, the organisation will die - in its 200th year! I can’t let that happen on my watch. I have to see this hell through this Bicentenary year and then somehow disentangle myself. I will never volunteer for anything again.

Viviennemary · 04/03/2022 12:39

Just resign. Or say you can give two hours a week max if you don't want to cut ties. Puts me off volunteering for anything.

AlisonDonut · 04/03/2022 12:43

This is why I don't do volunteering any more. And I've taken early retirement so have plenty of time. The last time I offered the response back was so utterly rude I couldn't believe it. So step back, make the new course your excuse if you need one and let them find someone else to do it.

Isthisjustnormal · 04/03/2022 12:49

I think there are two options, depending on how much you want to continue to help:

  1. Be clear on what you can commit due to your change in work patterns and also that the role has expanded beyond what you agreed to. Don't be apologetic. For example, say you are happy to do the meetings but can't commit to fundraising events. Be clear that if they are going to find it difficult to accept that level of commitment, you need to step back as what you are offering is the MOST you can do. Be absolutely resolute in not getting dragged in in the future, and just say 'as we discussed, set up is not something I can get involved in, but I hope to be there on the day'
  2. Resign citing work pressure. This will probably mean they do the same thing to the next person but it's not honestly your problem.

If you believe in the charity still (you may not!!) 1 is a better thing to do, but it relies on you being able to carry through (& I really DO understand how hard that is!!)

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