Page 3 | About feeling resentful re volunteering?

Angryvolunteer · 04/03/2022 17:08

Delurking to say I feel everybody’s pain.

My experience has been that the smaller the org the worse this tends to be.

I’m a non-exec, unpaid director of a large legal charity. It takes up a huge amount of time but I love it. The role was tightly defined and is supported by paid staff; any requests to take on new tasks come with no expectation to say yes; almost all the directors have other jobs so meetings don’t overrun. Most importantly the charity is so grateful to its volunteers. I don’t do it for praise but it’s invaluable to know you’re appreciated.

Recently I got involved in local politics and it’s been devilled by every issue that previous posters have mentioned. They are incredibly welcoming on an individual level, and want you to be involved - but therein lies the problem!

I was flattered to be elected to what I thought was a post with defined responsibilities. It quickly morphed into an expectation that I’d get involved in (meaning take control of and execute) any pet project that someone had wanted but never quite got around to.

The one big task I knew was mine (too outing to say precisely, but think along the lines of designing their member database) was important but they’d taken no steps towards it for literally years. As soon as I got involved it became super urgent, and their expectations ridiculous. I keep saying we are a small membership organisation with no budget for this task, and we are entirely dependent on volunteer work (i.e. me!). But still they feel they are entitled to, and I ought to provide, a product you’d pay an expert creator 50 grand for.

The active members are really passionate about it - which is great, and local politics depends on their passion, but they don’t understand that this is not the only thing I want to spend my time doing (the many members who are retired understand this even less). There are too many meetings, they always overrun, there’s a lot chat without much action, and people don’t contribute the help they said they would provide. Always, always there is the barely concealed hope that because I am efficient and willing and capable, I will be mummy and pick up the slack. Now I’ve started to say no there is increasingly an undertone of resentment.

Most extraordinarily of all, when I said I didn’t have the tech skills to perform one part of my big task (skills I had always been clear I didn’t have, and which another volunteer had promised but not delivered), the chair suggested I do a course! Fuck that. I’m not expending more of my time to acquire a skill that has no personal or professional benefit to me in order to do yet more work for your org for free.

The upshot is I wish I’d never got involved, and I’m no longer even doing the bit I really enjoyed (canvassing) because I’ll have to be with those who are always on at me to do more. I pulled back majorly and although I find this hard, I am working to rule and doing the minimum. I won’t be standing for re-election.

Mary46 · 04/03/2022 17:25

Op to be fair you did your stint. Nobody should be bullied into doing more. While I help at my daughter school I stopped once she went to secondary. Sometimes these roles are too time consuming to be honest..

Askingforfriend · 04/03/2022 17:27

Yeah I would tell them that you can do the admin work but not the fundraising/event work as your paid job takes up too much time to do both. That you will understand if they decide they need to look for a volunteer who can do both. In the meantime though you will not be available to help or attend event A or B.

BlusteryLake · 04/03/2022 17:31

I have learned through bitter experience with volunteering that the more you give, the more people expect. You need really firm boundaries and a hard exit when it's time for you to move on.

Original poster

UltraLightfly · 04/03/2022 18:38

Classic example. 18.30, I get a Whatsapp asking me to do something urgently for tomorrow morning. WTF?! It’s 6.30 on a Friday evening, I’m not out tonight but usually am on a Friday and the fact they think I’ll just drop everything to do something urgently for them for tomorrow morning

The more they do stuff like this the less guilty I’ll feel about resigning.

OP posts:

hauntedbillybass · 04/03/2022 18:43

@UltraLightfly

Classic example. 18.30, I get a Whatsapp asking me to do something urgently for tomorrow morning. WTF?! It’s 6.30 on a Friday evening, I’m not out tonight but usually am on a Friday and the fact they think I’ll just drop everything to do something urgently for them for tomorrow morning

The more they do stuff like this the less guilty I’ll feel about resigning.

Respond and say you can't, you won't be home until midnight.

LastFirstEverything · 04/03/2022 18:53

Please resign, as they are being very unreasonable but I do think you should say why you're going. I used to volunteer for a charity that would routinely exploit the good nature of some of their volunteers. People left all the time but the core volunteers and manager of the barnch never could understand why. They thought they were perfectly reasonable and couldn't see why anyone would leave except to be lazy or thought theyd found a better place to volunteer.

The charity you're with need to understand that their way of working is wrong and exploitative. They might not agree with this, but probably at least one person there will recognise the truth in what you tell them, and things may change...

rookiemere · 04/03/2022 18:58

It's really unfortunate that this happens with volunteering. I used to be the secretary for the scout executive group, but each meeting there was an expectation that those sitting round the table would also be available to support fairs and other activities. My view was that I was already spending about 5-6 hrs a month and other DPs could help out at the events.
I'd maybe give them one last chance doing the original duties only for a month.

RishiRich · 04/03/2022 19:46

@UltraLightfly

Classic example. 18.30, I get a Whatsapp asking me to do something urgently for tomorrow morning. WTF?! It’s 6.30 on a Friday evening, I’m not out tonight but usually am on a Friday and the fact they think I’ll just drop everything to do something urgently for them for tomorrow morning

The more they do stuff like this the less guilty I’ll feel about resigning.

Just reply, 'No, I don't have time this evening.'

RishiRich · 04/03/2022 19:49

I found local politics the absolute worst. Meetings were held at a working men's-type social club late on school nights. They kept asking if meeting times were convenient for everyone and I kept saying I'm a single mum with infant school-age children, but they always, always made it at a time convenient for the older men instead. I left once it became clear that they only cared about the kind of 'woman' that tells women like me to suck their dick.

RobotValkyrie · 04/03/2022 19:55

YABU for "feeling resentful".
You're a volunteer, not a slave. You have full agency. You can assert your boundaries and leave whenever you like.
You offered your help willingly. Now it's time to withdraw it freely, as your circumstances have changed, and the position isn't a good fit anyway.

Don't be passive. Any work you end up doing, you're doing because you've accepted it. You can quit whenever you want. There's nothing to "resent". Just say no.

Hesma · 04/03/2022 20:06

So just quit!

twoshedsjackson · 04/03/2022 20:06

This is exactly how my good friend's DM got put off volunteering. She had a particular skill she could offer, and a certain amount of time to offer as her DD's became more self-reliant. She was assured that it would only be for a specific amount of time each week, which she could fit in with her other commitments.
As soon as she had "signed on the dotted line", the extras started coming in, and when she politely demurred, the guilt tripping began. It had exactly the opposite effect to the one they were after; she withdrew completely.
Not the first time I've seen it happen.

frostedfruit · 04/03/2022 20:16

They clearly need more volunteers to spread the load during events. Perhaps you could offer to do the admin for advertising and recruiting "events volunteers' instead of doing the events? Win - win

Beamur · 04/03/2022 20:19

Either resign or get a tonne more assertive!
The WhatsApp message? Simply reply that you can't do it tonight. No apologies, no explanation.
Next meeting - make it clear you won't be attending any more fundraisers as your availability has reduced. It's admin or nothing. If they grumble, point out they're actually being extremely rude and disrespectful of your contribution.

Hawkins001 · 04/03/2022 20:23

@UltraLightfly

About a year ago, a small, local charity were advertising that they were in desperate need of admin support/ Charity Secretary. I had some spare time and thought I'd offer some help.

All fine, the current charity secretary was retiring after 15 years doing it, so we met up and she gave me a handover and all of the documents etc I'd need, great.

Except more and more is now being asked of me, since starting with the volunteering, I have started a new job and it is so much more intense than my old one.

We have two meetings a month, each 2.5 hours long and I don't get home til 10pm. I then have to type up all the minutes from said meetings.

There are only 7 of us in this charity and they like to run 5 fundraising events each year, it's becoming increasingly clear that my attendance at all these events is required, on top of helping to organise them and the other general admin.

It's just too much and the last event we had, I went for 2 hours in the morning to help set up and 2 hours in the afternoon to help take down/ clear up but I was the only one out of the whole committee not to stay for the entire day/event. I couldn't, I had things to do.

Noone has ever said I would be required to attend all the events, if that had been said to me at the beginning then I wouldn't have agreed to do the admin.

These other members all live and breathe this charity, they're retired and so have the time for this! I'm getting a lot of hostility sent my way because we're due to put another 2 events on soon and I have no interest in or inclination to want to stand around all day at them.

AIBU?

What about reducing your activities at the moment then say when you have more time, you'll be back to normal ?

melj1213 · 04/03/2022 21:24

@UltraLightfly

Classic example. 18.30, I get a Whatsapp asking me to do something urgently for tomorrow morning. WTF?! It’s 6.30 on a Friday evening, I’m not out tonight but usually am on a Friday and the fact they think I’ll just drop everything to do something urgently for them for tomorrow morning

The more they do stuff like this the less guilty I’ll feel about resigning.

"Unfortunately I have plans to sit and watch TV with a glass of wine this evening that I cannot change so your request will not be possible at such short notice."

Kite22 · 04/03/2022 22:49

I don't really know how to vote, as obviously YANBU to resign if you 'resent' the work you are doing.
YANBU to resign if you aren't enjoying even.
YANBU to resign even if you have enjoyed it, but are finding it too much with your current work.

However you need to work on setting boundaries.

I do quite a bit of volunteering. I have in my e-mail signature a bit that says "Please remember we are all volunteers and you may not hear back immediately". Very often there are events that happen that I can't get to. I say, "Sorry, no, I can't make that".

It seems a shame that you are going to stop doing anything for this group, because you haven't been willing to say "no, I am happy to be the minutes secretary, but I am not able to attend the events".

As an aside, why don't you take the minutes on a laptop whilst at the meeting, rather than writing them out and then typing them up later ?