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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About feeling resentful re volunteering?

68 replies

UltraLightfly · 04/03/2022 10:00

About a year ago, a small, local charity were advertising that they were in desperate need of admin support/ Charity Secretary. I had some spare time and thought I'd offer some help.

All fine, the current charity secretary was retiring after 15 years doing it, so we met up and she gave me a handover and all of the documents etc I'd need, great.

Except more and more is now being asked of me, since starting with the volunteering, I have started a new job and it is so much more intense than my old one.

We have two meetings a month, each 2.5 hours long and I don't get home til 10pm. I then have to type up all the minutes from said meetings.

There are only 7 of us in this charity and they like to run 5 fundraising events each year, it's becoming increasingly clear that my attendance at all these events is required, on top of helping to organise them and the other general admin.

It's just too much and the last event we had, I went for 2 hours in the morning to help set up and 2 hours in the afternoon to help take down/ clear up but I was the only one out of the whole committee not to stay for the entire day/event. I couldn't, I had things to do.

Noone has ever said I would be required to attend all the events, if that had been said to me at the beginning then I wouldn't have agreed to do the admin.

These other members all live and breathe this charity, they're retired and so have the time for this! I'm getting a lot of hostility sent my way because we're due to put another 2 events on soon and I have no interest in or inclination to want to stand around all day at them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 04/03/2022 12:57

If it’s making you miserable stop doing it.

HairyScaryMonster · 04/03/2022 13:03

Either be clear with your boundaries on what you can offer or resign.

Arabellla · 04/03/2022 13:05

Leave and give them constructive feedback on how to treat future volunteers.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 13:13

Whoaaahhh - they don't get to aim "hostility" at volunteers, even though many forget this

I've run community projects all my adult life, but for this alone I'd hand the tasks back to them and suggest they find someone else with more time. As PPs have said you simply can't do it all and the key word is "volunteer"

dottydodah · 04/03/2022 13:15

This happened to me some time ago .I was to be assisting someone in their role . Then they left and I was to assume full duties on my own! Im afraid I simply didnt return . Similar with a friend of mine in the Charity Shop .She was feeling more and more under pressure .If they want people to carry on volunteering, they need to sort out proper roles ,or otherwise few people will want stress for little financial gain! I am not wealthy but tend to give small amounts here and there financially now.

VenusClapTrap · 04/03/2022 13:18

I was to be assisting someone in their role . Then they left and I was to assume full duties on my own!

This is the situation I’m in.

Original poster
UltraLightfly · 04/03/2022 13:19

I think I’m just going to give it up, I feel bad but I’ve got a lot on right now and the pressure from them is ever mounting. I’m also beginning to see why other people, locally, don’t believe much in this charity/ cause and refuse to help out.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 04/03/2022 13:26

It's obviously causing you a lot of stress. This is the problem about giving time free. Slightly different but a school mum years ago asked me to collect her child from school one day a week and keep him at my house for half an hour. I agreed thinking it was only half an hour after all.
How wrong was I!! The half an hour gradually increased week by week until i still had This kid here till bloody 6pm. They lived on the same estate so the 3rd time I saw her car drive past ours at 4pm and not stop to pick the kid up
(Then drive off the estate again 15 mins later without stopping to pick the kid up) I told he I wasn't able to act as a free babysitter any more!!

Twinkle19 · 04/03/2022 13:30

Lol love this what did she say. Can’t believe she even had you looking after him when she was there to do it.

FourChimneys · 04/03/2022 13:31

I do some work for a charity and made my boundaries crystal clear at the start. Nobody expects me to do any extra.

DH volunteers for a couple of charities and is exactly the same. He might do something extra if he has time or really wants to do it but is brilliant at saying he can't. I think people really respect that attitude.

2bazookas · 04/03/2022 13:34

you might have considerably underestimated the time commitment some volunteers give to charity work.

What matters, is that it's more than you intended or want to do; so you need to tell them so and decide whether you want to stay involved in a smaller way .

It won't be new to The Committee. I'm afraid it's often the case that whenever a charity finds a new helper who is highly organised/efficient/ energetic they ask more and more until they finally overstep the mark and cause resentment and a resignation.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 04/03/2022 13:37

Tell them you have been glad to be able to help them get through when their secretary retired, but due to changes in your circumstances no longer have the time to do so much as can offer this much time only. You trust they understand but will also be quite understanding if they feel it better to get someone to do all of the admin etc.

FinallyHere · 04/03/2022 13:37

if that had been said to me at the beginning then I wouldn't have agreed to do the admin.

I realise that I am projecting here. I have recently had to resign from a committee. The original brief did not cover the one aspect of the work, which ended up taking the giant's share of the time required.

I resigned, saying exactly your words. If I had realised, I would not have volunteered.

You really don't have to go to and further meetings. Just send your resignation letter to the Chair and you are sorted. You can offer to hand over to their replacements, I'd be sure to be clear that this is one handover to one replacement.

In my experience, many people who volunteer do so because they enjoy the process, the meetings and decisions. Now, I leave them to it.

twilightcafe · 04/03/2022 13:40

Something a trainer at a school governor induction session has stayed with me for years.
He said it's important to make your boundaries clear when you are volunteering. Some governors are retired and have lots of spare time. If you have other commitments, don't compare yourself with them. Do what you can with the time you have.

ApathyMartha · 04/03/2022 13:41

@goteam I had the same where I wasn’t thanked for the many many hours I’d given up and I won’t bother again.

OP look up ‘volunteer burnout’. Not worth it making you feel like this at all.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/03/2022 13:55

give it up - but do give them honest feedback that it's because the requirement to attend events that wasn't outlined at the start that has become more onerous.
they might learn from that in recruiting someone new.

Worriedmama32 · 04/03/2022 13:55

I know how you feel OP. I’ve just managed to pass a similar role over to someone else and the relief is immense!

Even when my baby was born I was getting queries when baby was only a week old. Like you I’ve just started a professional course for a qualification that will take around 8 months and plenty of intense study each week so I just said enough.

I felt like I didn’t want to let people down after agreeing to do the role or leave it for someone else to deal with but DH made me realise no one minded putting pressure on me and actually once I said I needed to quit the other members have completely ignored me so I don’t feel bad about leaving anymore tbh.

You have to do what’s best for you

dottydodah · 04/03/2022 14:02

VenusClapTrap Well as I said ,I just didnt go back! TBH I think so many things are like this now .Someone answers a call for help and gets left with the whole lot . Just walk away! If they contact you explain you cant do it any longer ,No need for apologies /explanations (Or you run the risk of being found something else to do!) Like I say I had done it for a few years and feel I have done my bit now.I try and give something here and there instead financially

dottydodah · 04/03/2022 14:03

when I can

AlisonDonut · 04/03/2022 14:17

A friend of mine resigned from a job because the manager refused to send the volunteers Christmas cards.

Such a small thing, but a reminder of how volunteers are viewed by some.

JungleRed · 04/03/2022 14:28

You've given a year of your life to helping out. That's more than some do in a lifetime. If they are disgruntled and ungrateful then that's a toxic environment. This isn't a job and you are free to leave whenever you like, knowing you did a good thing. Time to be more charitable to yourself Smile

Ariela · 04/03/2022 14:29

Wait - why on earth are you not tackling the minutes on your laptop at the meeting? I do this - have all the headers typed in, any points to be covered are already there from the agenda etc, so just the actions to be added in. Takes all of 15 mins maximum to finish off and send to all.

But I agree, give notice you're leaving. And leave.

cakewench · 04/03/2022 14:36

Submit your resignation. You can give them loads of time for it, whatever you like (2 months notice? or more? Just put it in writing, however much it is). You can give a reason: work training, whatever, if you don't feel confident telling them you just can't deal with having to be present at all events. Tell them if they can't fill the position in that time that they will have to find someone temporarily, that you'll do a proper handover whenever they do finally find someone as your final job for them, but do not sit there and wait for them to find someone because they won't. They'll keep you as long as you sit there.

Take this advice from someone who enjoys a charity committee and has been treasurer on a few. I understand the situation, and empathise greatly. These things often just run their course. You just need to take the step and officially tell them you're done. They might guilt you a bit but you will feel much better once you've got that done.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 14:37

If (the real workload) had been said to me at the beginning then I wouldn't have agreed to do the admin

If as you suggest they're struggling for volunteers, that could be why they weren't frank.
I imagine we've all heard the infamous "It'll only take 5 minutes" and "Could you just ..." but that's no reason to make their problems yours - especially, as said, with the way they're behaving over this

MysteryFog60 · 04/03/2022 14:39

Interesting, I gave up volunteering as just felt you got landed with more and more. The thing that gets on my nerves is all the others are happy to take the credit, while they never offer to help with the workload. On top of this, we had a new volunteer start who ' knew it all' after being in the door five minutes. I left and have never went back to volunteering. In my opinion I have never found an organisation where I wanted to stay. I don't know if I ever would go back to volunteering, my experience put me off and some people are on a pure p* take.

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