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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should people tailor their conversation/volume if they know children are around!

97 replies

HalliWood · 04/03/2022 09:47

Went out with my DC last night for tea to a restaurant (not a pub).

DC 11, 8 and 2.

We were sat next to a couple very loudly discussing the situation in Ukraine. Lots of swearing and also things about how "all our faces will melt off when he bombs us" and other things like that. Things that could potentially be terrifying for a child.

You could hear every part of their conversation they were so loud and they knew about DC being there as they'd said hello to our toddler just moments before.

I ended up moving as one of our DC is quite sensitive and has already been asking questions about things they've heard in the playground about this and getting worried.

I think I'll probably be told by some that no one has to tailor their conversation for anyone else etc etc...

But AIBU to think you're s bit of a dick if you knowingly and loudly curse and talk about stuff like this when there are children right next to you?

Like just be a bit quieter about it? Obviously anyone can talk about anything they want but would you not just tone the volume down a bit in front of kids if you're sat there seriously suggesting everyone's faces are going to melt off and things like that?

I know I personally couldn't sit and have a loud conversation like that with kids around.

OP posts:
Original poster
HalliWood · 04/03/2022 10:22

To be absolutely clear I don't expect people not to be discussing Ukraine. I have no problem with people talking about that. I just thought the way they were talking about it (very graphic descriptions of what they thought would happen if/when a nuclear bomb goes off to everyone's bodies) was a bit thoughtless.

Of course it's my responsibility to move. And I did. I just wouldn't personally do that myself.

OP posts:
bangaverage · 04/03/2022 10:25

We should be scared of this stuff. It's terrifying. If they were talking about it perhaps it's because they're very worried and trying to make sense of the situation. That's normal. Radiation sickness is no joke.

People are allowed to have conversations between themselves without censorship. If they weren't being offensive I wouldn't have an issue with it.

A good lesson for your children not to eavesdrop, perhaps.

GrolliffetheDragon · 04/03/2022 10:26

I wouldn't say anything like that loudly in public regardless of if children were present. If I was saying it or anything similar I would be saying it quietly. I wouldn't assume anyone, regardless of age, is happy to hear about faces melting off while eating.

Joinedforthis22 · 04/03/2022 10:27

I agree with you OP and to be honest if the conversation is so loud at the next table I can hear every word they should lower their volume. No i don't want to talk about Ukraine or nuclear war while paying out for my dinner. The old adage of not to discuss religion, politics or money over dinner I think still stands. I can be concerned, worried and engaged with what's going on in the world without hearing the opinion of Joe Bloggs when I'm having a night out.

Original poster
HalliWood · 04/03/2022 10:27

A good lesson for your children not to eavesdrop, perhaps

No one was eavesdropping. You couldn't NOT hear them they were being very loud.

OP posts:
Livpool · 04/03/2022 10:28

YABU

My DS is very sensitive but if we are in a non-child setting then it is up to me as his parent

Original poster
HalliWood · 04/03/2022 10:29

@Livpool

YABU

My DS is very sensitive but if we are in a non-child setting then it is up to me as his parent

What is "non-child" about a family friendly chain restaurant at tea time?
OP posts:
theresAtablet4thatNow · 04/03/2022 10:32

It's impolite to be excessively loud, sweary, or shocking in your conversation in many public places, including restaurants, no matter the age of people around you. It's worse to knowingly do so around children, but most adults don't actually want to hear that, either. Save it for times when you're less likely to impose on the comfort of others.

Thereisnolight · 04/03/2022 10:35

We were on a plane during storm Eunice and the landing was a bit rough. A woman behind us started gasping God, save us all, etc, and screamed at one point.
Also we were told 2 years ago that most of us would possibly die of Covid.
So I remind my DC of those incidents whenever they say such and such in the playground says we’re all going to be nuked. Drama llamas everywhere.

slashlover · 04/03/2022 10:36

I ended up moving as one of our DC is quite sensitive and has already been asking questions about things they've heard in the playground about this and getting worried.

Are you taking the time to discuss it with them/show them Newsround etc? You should be able to tell them that the face melting stuff is nonsense and give them facts.

Spidey66 · 04/03/2022 10:38

@ohhooh

If I'm sat at a table with children, yes I'll tailor what I'm saying.

If children are in the vicinity? Nah, not my issue.

It also depends on the setting - am I in somewhere aimed at children (e.g soft play?) or somewhere not (like a restaurant?).

This.
Original poster
HalliWood · 04/03/2022 10:40

This place has a wacky warehouse inside it, it's not strictly soft play as you can just go for a meal, but it's definitely a family orientated restaurant. There were lots of children there.

OP posts:
Original poster
HalliWood · 04/03/2022 10:41

Basically it's not somewhere I can imagine you'd go if you wanted to have "adult only time".

OP posts:
TooManyPJs · 04/03/2022 10:47

No one has to tailor their conversation to your children I'm afraid. If you don't like what's being discussed and don't think it's appropriate you need to leave or move.

mbosnz · 04/03/2022 10:49

I think that speaking so loudly that you are likely to disturb, annoy, or upset other patrons with your volume, let alone content, is bad manners. I have a daughter who unfortunately has the default volume of a foghorn, and a husband who is an equal boomer, with a penchant for swearing to boot, and I regularly remind them to tone it down. It's unnecessary, and it's not fair to disturb other people just trying to enjoy their meal in peace.

Also, it's not only children that would be potentially upset by that conversation.

cherryonthecakes · 04/03/2022 10:51

Loud conversations are annoying but it's part of being out in public. Adults don't want to hear kids conversations eg Minecraft as much as kids don't want to hear about current events eg nuclear war but we sadly can't mute other people's conversations.

Yanbu to move seats

sillysmiles · 04/03/2022 10:53

It would never occur to me to alter my conversations to suit strangers at another table.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 04/03/2022 10:56

I hate loud talking in restaurants whatever the topic. I am always saying ' mum I am sat opposite you, I can hear you, there is no need to shout'.

I don't see what the issue is though - you asked to move.

Should they have not gone out?

cheeseismydownfall · 04/03/2022 10:56

@theresAtablet4thatNow

It's impolite to be excessively loud, sweary, or shocking in your conversation in many public places, including restaurants, no matter the age of people around you. It's worse to knowingly do so around children, but most adults don't actually want to hear that, either. Save it for times when you're less likely to impose on the comfort of others.
I completely agree with this. I am really shocked by the "tough shit" attitude of so many posters.

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Being considerate of other people is absolutely fundamental to good manners.

Tabitha005 · 04/03/2022 10:57

I love a bit of a swear-up and a lively, heated discussion/debate, but there's a time and a place for them, imho.

Conversely, I get annoyed when people swear constantly in loud public conversations and especially in situations where I have to be within earshot of it - restaurants, public transport, for example.

Many people have no social filter and say/do whatever the fuck they like, whenever the fuck they want to do it. Others would probably be mortified to think those around were in any way shocked or offended or whatever, I don't actually buy into the whole 'offended' thing - loud public swearing doesn't 'offend' me, per se, I just think it can end up becoming the focus of your attention if you're sitting in a restaurant and the people next to you are effing and jeffing indiscriminately and constantly.

I'd find racist, sexist or homophobic language more of an 'offence' than swearing any day, though.

My real ire is saved for big groups of loud, sweary, intimidating blokes in pubs who think they own the place, make inappropriate comments to the bar staff, swagger about with the misplaced confidence that they're some sort of local celebrity, take drugs in the loos, openly talk about doing drugs, drive their trades vehicles/prick-extension sports cars like absolute twats and treat their wives/girlfriends like shit. There was a group like this exactly as I've described in my old local pub and they were horrible. They didn't so much offend me as make me utterly furious at their complete lack of self-awareness and how their behaviour affected other people. They were the types who use expletives as punctuation. That's the public use of swearing that winds me up the most, I think!

Lavender24 · 04/03/2022 10:58

Agree with PP who says depends on time and location. Me and my friends were once told off for discussing "inappropriate topics" in Wetherspoons as someone with kids had complained. It was 9pm on a Friday.

Itsbackagain · 04/03/2022 11:00

Apart from the swearing being unnecessary, no I wouldn't tailor my conversation, your kids shouldn't be listening anyway.

Thewindwhispers · 04/03/2022 11:24

Yanbu, they were dicks.

Walked past a bus stop of rather scary looking teenage hoodies who were drunk and swearing loudly, the other day on the way home. Had dc with me. The teenagers told each other to stop swearing because “there’re little kids there!” They went quiet until we’d passed and moved away.

Interesting that the drunk teenagers had more kindness and manners towards young children than so many posters on a site called mumsnet 😕

DysmalRadius · 04/03/2022 11:34

I made my kids whisper when we did Wordle in public recently as I didn't want to ruin it for anyone that hasn't already completed it! I think it's reasonable to consider those around you volume and content - wise regardless of where you are.

SquirrelFan · 04/03/2022 11:42

Yes. If you are in public, the onus is on you to moderate your behaviour to the setting. It was unacceptable for them to speak on those topics at that volume in that setting.