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AIBU?

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Original poster

1st Birthday Parent can't make it.

67 replies

SteakChips · 04/03/2022 08:44

It's my first child birthday soon and I'm arranging a small gathering to a farm local to everyone. My parents don't drive and in there 70's, I have two older siblings all with children and drive. I'm also in a blinded family where my step children live with us. Bit of a back story - we had to under go IVF to get our baby. My brother I had three children. His last one was born the same day my baby was born. This was my first and only pregnancy for me, so I had to share the lime light etc. my parents have gone to every first bday to their grandchildren. I received a call to say that they won't be making it to mine, as the taxi will be expensive and don't want to get a train - however they do get trains to visit my sister who is 3 hours away and baby sit her children . I'm only a 30min drive from my parents. I don't really get on with my siblings but make the effort for my parents. My parents are going away for a week with my sister and her family the next day after the gathering for my little boys. This has upset me as I wanted to share the moment with my side of the family but sadly I won't be able to. I can't do the following weekend as it's my siblings birthday and I just wanted it to be about my boy. Am I over reacting??

OP posts:
ChrissyPlummer · 04/03/2022 08:47

Kindly, yes. It’s just a day, your baby won’t remember. YABU to talk about the ‘limelight’, you had a baby, like probably 1000s of others that day. It’s amazing to you and DH, not so for everyone.

tobi21 · 04/03/2022 08:51

I disagree with PP, OP. I think your parents should want to be there for the baby's birthday especially if it is your first and possibly only child. Perhaps limelight is the wrong word for you to use but why should they make effort for all other grandchildren and leave your child out. Yes the baby will not remember but you will. I don't think you are overreacting I would be upset also.

Tlollj · 04/03/2022 08:53

Can’t someone give them a lift?

RedskyThisNight · 04/03/2022 08:54

Can't you go and collect them if they are only 30 minutes away?

cherryonthecakes · 04/03/2022 08:59

Yanbu to be upset that they make more of an effort for your siblings kids. I know it's a first birthday so your baby won't remember but this is clearly how things will be- especially as your brother's child shares the same birthday.

In your shoes I'd be thinking about whether or not I'd be continuing to fake a relationship with my siblings for my parents sake. That's messed up

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2022 09:01

Ignore anyone who’s angle is your baby won’t remember. It’s completely irrelevant. You haven’t said your baby will be disappointed. You’re disappointed and that’s completely fair enough! They’ve gone to all the other baby’s firsts and this is your chance to celebrate being a mum for a year, after what sounds like a big struggle, and it’s important. It’s also showing you the issues in your relationship with them where you don’t feel you’re treated equally to your siblings. I expect you don’t get on well with your siblings because you’re all suffering from the inequality in how you were brought up.

Having a child makes many people re-examine their childhood and their relationships with their parents, that can be painful. What you don’t want is for your child to suffer what you did by being treated as less by your parents.

Don’t offer them a lift. They can make the effort for other people but choose not to for you. That’s sad but all you can do is accept it and drastically lower your expectations of them in future.

Make the most of the day, it’s about you and your baby.

HeddaGarbled · 04/03/2022 09:06

I think you’re over-reacting about the birthday, yes.

Whether there is some favouritism going on or not, I’m not sure.

The sharing the limelight comment does sound a bit juvenile sibling rivalry which you really do need to grow out of now.

But if your parents regularly get trains to visit your sister but not you, that does sound like there might be some favouritism.

Possible reasons: they’re going away on holiday the next day so don’t want a day out that day; they hate the idea of the farm; they find the step-children hard work; they see you regularly so don’t normally need to take a train to see you whereas it’s the only way they get to see your sister and her family who live further away.

Are any of these likely, do you think?

RewildingAmbridge · 04/03/2022 09:06

Why don't you get along with your siblings? This seems like it's part of a wider story

BoodleBug51 · 04/03/2022 09:08

I've had to massively lower my expectations of my parents over the years. It really really hurt at first, because my sister is the golden child and gets 100% of their effort and attention.

Now I just focus on my own family (DH and our DC) because they never hurt me.

Enjoy your baby's milestone.... and put them to their back of your mind. It truly is their loss, not yours.

genie10 · 04/03/2022 09:16

I understand that you are disapointed but your parents are in their seventies and ,whilst they often take trains, they may feel it's too much to travel the day before their holiday. An afternoon at a farm may be tiring enough to them.
If they live only 30mins drive away, would anyone be able to pick them up as this maybe easier for them? Otherwise, invite them later for a quiet visit.

grapewines · 04/03/2022 09:20

they may feel it's too much to travel the day before their holiday. An afternoon at a farm may be tiring enough to them.

This was my first thought.

MrsMariaReynolds · 04/03/2022 09:26

I think if I really wanted them there and knew they were limited with transportation options, I'd just go and pick them up and bring them along to the party.

I grew up as an only child with my only living grandparent (who didn't drive) living about 30 mins away. I have fond memories of "collecting Grammy" in the car for our special family events.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 09:28

It's a long day for them OP.
How's their relationship with your stepchildren and partner?

Can you or your DP collect them if you want them there?

MajesticallyAwkward · 04/03/2022 09:29

A 30 minute drive could be an hour or more train journey, if they are going on holiday the day after it could all be too much- obviously only you and your parents know that for sure.

It does sound like there could be some favouritism on their part if they are prioritising your siblings and their dc. Maybe time to step back and focus on your family unit, its your parents loss if they're willing to miss out on a relationship with you and your dc but trying to force it will only hurt you.

your 'limelight' comments are a bit odd, acting like your dc is the saviour is a quick way to alienate family IME especially with another baby born on the same day making out that they are less worthy because they have siblings.

TravellingFrom · 04/03/2022 09:36

I can see where you are coming from.
It’s not the fact it’s going to spoil your dc birthday. But the fact they are not making an effort for you when they do for your dsis or the other grand children.

Jvg33 · 04/03/2022 09:36

I would tell them how you feel. They are your parents after all

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2022 09:40

It is unfair and it sounds like there’s some favouritism going on BUT the fact that you had IVF to get your baby and that you had to “share the limelight “ mean that I think you are being a bit dramatic here.
You are (rightly) disappointed but your baby won’t care and an afternoon at a farm for a 1 year old is a bit pointless to be honest.

Hankunamatata · 04/03/2022 09:41

I would have picked them up and dropped them home. Any chance siblings kids ar generally a bit older so easier to deal with

Yamalt · 04/03/2022 09:43

Your feelings are valid and you’re entitled to have them.

What you can’t do is change other people. Only your reaction to them and their behaviour.

Your parents have made their priorities clear, so you can choose to call them out on it and perhaps they will realise they have made a misstep, or else they will stick to their decision and in that you will know where you stand.

What won’t help you in the long run is bending yourself in a thousand different ways to appease people to validate you (i.e. your parents) if they don’t really care / care enough.

Think about what’s best for you and your immediate family and invite the people who truly want to be there. That’s what will bring you joy in the long run.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/03/2022 09:44

For a parent to say it’s too expensive to take a 30min taxi drive, unless they are financially really struggling I think is really crap of them.
Yes you sound a little ott about the limelight and a whole day being about your child- but your parents aren’t showing any interest or effort- I’d be upset at that.

JovialNickname · 04/03/2022 09:47

Could it be the day out at the farm that's the issue for them? They might be happy enough to come to your house for a little party and to watch him blow out his candle, but trudging round a muddy farm in the freezing wet and cold might feel like a bit much for elderly parents. Could they come to visit him at yours maybe before or after instead? I hope they do get to see him on his birthday.

Lou98 · 04/03/2022 09:48

30min in a taxi where I am would be expensive and they would need to do it there and back.

30min drive could also be more on a train, how long is the train journey? Is it just one direct train and the station near to their house and yours?
Do you have anywhere for them to stay or would they need to do the journey back after the party?

I think if it's only 30mins, I would personally drive to pick them up and then take them home again that night.

You're not U to feel disappointed but equally I don't think they're U to not want to pay a fortune for taxi's or do two train journeys for one day either

PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2022 09:50

This was my first and only pregnancy for me, so I had to share the lime light etc

Share the limelight? Your Ivf was successful and you were bothered about sharing the limelight? Hmm

BeeDavis · 04/03/2022 09:53

“I had to share the limelight” tells us everything we need to know. You say that like anyone really has a say on what day their child is born 🙈 (c-sections aside obviously)

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/03/2022 09:55

MN is very anti first birthdays OP- no ones allowed to want to celebrate anything on here: baby showers, hen dos, weddings that aren’t open to every person and child and around the corner from your house get frowned on

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