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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1st Birthday Parent can't make it.

67 replies

SteakChips · 04/03/2022 08:44

It's my first child birthday soon and I'm arranging a small gathering to a farm local to everyone. My parents don't drive and in there 70's, I have two older siblings all with children and drive. I'm also in a blinded family where my step children live with us. Bit of a back story - we had to under go IVF to get our baby. My brother I had three children. His last one was born the same day my baby was born. This was my first and only pregnancy for me, so I had to share the lime light etc. my parents have gone to every first bday to their grandchildren. I received a call to say that they won't be making it to mine, as the taxi will be expensive and don't want to get a train - however they do get trains to visit my sister who is 3 hours away and baby sit her children . I'm only a 30min drive from my parents. I don't really get on with my siblings but make the effort for my parents. My parents are going away for a week with my sister and her family the next day after the gathering for my little boys. This has upset me as I wanted to share the moment with my side of the family but sadly I won't be able to. I can't do the following weekend as it's my siblings birthday and I just wanted it to be about my boy. Am I over reacting??

OP posts:

FateHasRedesignedMost · 04/03/2022 12:46

Maybe a farm in early March doesn’t appeal to your parents, particularly if they have no transport and it would be taxis and trains just to get there.

They have lots of grandchildren already. I know yours is special to you to them he’s just another grandchild and they probably don’t see why he needs a big fuss for a first birthday. Tea and cake at home is the norm for a first birthday when they’re babies!

givethatbabyaname · 04/03/2022 12:54

Your parents are in their 70s, they’re leaving for a trip the day after this birthday (presumably arranged before your farm day), this is a first birthday with one or more babies who don’t do much and will require attention and logistics etc. It’s just not necessary for them to put themselves to the effort. Your baby is 1yo and will have no clue what’s going on or what a birthday is, and your parents know this. It’ll be a random trip to a farm for them. They can see your son any other time.

Perhaps if you’d invited them over to spend the day, and at some point brought out a cake for the baby and a couple of gifts, it would have been appealing. Less tiring and more time with their grandchild. I don’t think I could be bothered to traipse around a farm with a baby….and I’m nowhere near 70!

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 12:59

Offer them a lift. If my parents didn’t drive I wouldn’t choose somewhere I couldn’t get them to myself or they couldn’t get to easily - and a 30-minute taxi each way is expensive.

I’m sure you’re not unreasonable to feel overlooked and it may be they favour other siblings and I’m really sorry if that’s the case.

But if you want them there make it easy for them if you can.

cate16 · 04/03/2022 13:22

I love my grandchildren dearly... but a first birthday group visit to farm and I would be seriously trying to find a way out of it! Sorry.

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 13:37

is there a backstory op in that your parents have always put your siblings first? And at the point of finally getting your one and only dc you hoped for some ‘being first’ … I know jealousy isn’t a nice emotion but it’s a human one. After Ivf, and knowing it’s your only 1, I can see why you would like to be centre of attention and not share! You didn’t get that and now they are not doing the first birthday either. The farm might be the reason , maybe go later in day and ask your parents to come earlier for a cuddle and cake? Only you know how they treat you overall and if this is a long line of coming last you might want to rethink how you interact with your family

Original poster

SteakChips · 04/03/2022 14:32

Thank you all for your opinions. I do normally drive my parents to appointments etc, did/do their food shop for them in lockdown and even now. this is the only time I won't be able to pick them up. Also my little flat isn't big enough to house many people. The sharing of lime light was to share my pregnancy with my brother GF - yes maybe sounding childish but I can't have anymore children and wanted to made a fuss over. I've always rearranged my plans to accommodate everyone and I just thought be nice to go somewhere local and share that memory of my Baby first birthday. As for the sibling issues - my sister and brother are really close, I've just kept myself to myself.

OP posts:

Landedonfeet · 04/03/2022 14:36

If you’re being truthful

What were you like with your brothers first and second child?

AskingforaBaskin · 04/03/2022 16:21

It sound like a lovely birthday for your little family but not so much for some in their 70s.

Are your siblings better at accommodating to your parents needs?

WomblingWilma · 04/03/2022 16:32

That’s awful OP. I’d be really upset in that situation too.

Are you sure your brothers child isn’t having a birthday party on the same day as your little one as you said they share the same birthday? Are your brother and sister coming to your child’s birthday?

Surely someone can pick them up so they don’t need to get a train if that’s the only reason they are saying they can’t come?

Calmdown14 · 04/03/2022 17:13

Can't you just have a first birthday celebration at your flat with them a day or so earlier?
A farm is likely to be awkward to get to and will presumably be with all your friends they don't know.
Much easier on everyone if they make their fuss another time. Just but a tiny cake and have a nice afternoon with them instead.
Is the party on the birthday itself or nearest weekend?

Genzymoo · 04/03/2022 17:26

Putting questions of reasonableness aside, as I think we all have different opinions on how we want others to treat us when pregnant/new parents (I didn't really want a fuss made of me, and shunned any limelight), surely the issue is that you feel put out by it and want your parents there.

Surely you tell your parents how you feel, that you would like them to be there if possible; and ask if there is anything you could do/arrange to help them get there, or suggest a smaller and separate gathering in the evening/another day when they can come over and give DC gifts/have some cake?

PinkSyCo · 04/03/2022 17:27

I 100% agree with this. Only people who could easily jump in their car would be arsed to travel to a muddy farm on a (more than likely) cold, wet day to basically just make up the numbers.

IsabelHerna · 09/03/2022 18:38

Personally I would drive and pick them up, or have another member of my family give them a lift.

Also, the day you're giving birth it is supposed to be your child's limelight not yours... This is the day you bring a human being into this world, this day will be their day, their birthday hopefully for many many many years to come.

FairyCakeWings · 09/03/2022 18:43

Are you siblings and nieces and nephews going to the farm with you OP? Just wondering why they wouldn’t drive your parents to the party?

Hugasauras · 09/03/2022 18:43

Can you just have a small birthday tea for them to come to? That's what we did.

OverByYer · 09/03/2022 18:49

Im only 50 and I could not be bothered to catch a train and a taxi to hang around muddy cold farm the day before I was going on holiday.
Can't you have a little tea party at your flat and invite them to that?

VerveClique · 09/03/2022 18:53

My DPs would have hated struggling to get to a farm when it’s cold and possibly wet to traipse around as part of a big group with a baby who probably is barely aware of what’s going on.

I strongly recommend tea, cake and balloons at your flat when they get back from holidays. You’ll get loads of lovely pictures, it’ll be less stressful for everyone and they will be able to spend easy quality time with your DC too. Don’t sweat it!!

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