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AIBU?

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Original poster

1st Birthday Parent can't make it.

67 replies

SteakChips · 04/03/2022 08:44

It's my first child birthday soon and I'm arranging a small gathering to a farm local to everyone. My parents don't drive and in there 70's, I have two older siblings all with children and drive. I'm also in a blinded family where my step children live with us. Bit of a back story - we had to under go IVF to get our baby. My brother I had three children. His last one was born the same day my baby was born. This was my first and only pregnancy for me, so I had to share the lime light etc. my parents have gone to every first bday to their grandchildren. I received a call to say that they won't be making it to mine, as the taxi will be expensive and don't want to get a train - however they do get trains to visit my sister who is 3 hours away and baby sit her children . I'm only a 30min drive from my parents. I don't really get on with my siblings but make the effort for my parents. My parents are going away for a week with my sister and her family the next day after the gathering for my little boys. This has upset me as I wanted to share the moment with my side of the family but sadly I won't be able to. I can't do the following weekend as it's my siblings birthday and I just wanted it to be about my boy. Am I over reacting??

OP posts:
ABitBesotted · 04/03/2022 09:58

Just been on a farm to walk my puppy. Filthy muddy, damp, cold and slippery.

Choppingonions · 04/03/2022 09:59

I would be upset

ABitBesotted · 04/03/2022 09:59

posted too soon...

I bet it is the idea of a farm your parents find a bit much. Not a snub to you.

TenoringBehind · 04/03/2022 10:02

You are over reacting.

Birthdays aren’t about the limelight, and first birthdays (maybe even second ones too) are a bit pointless imo.

Surely the sensible thing to do would just be to go and collect your parents if you want them there. Lots of people don’t want to use public transport at the moment.

Guineapigssweak · 04/03/2022 10:03

Can you pick them up it's only half an hour?

NerrSnerr · 04/03/2022 10:04

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

For a parent to say it’s too expensive to take a 30min taxi drive, unless they are financially really struggling I think is really crap of them. Yes you sound a little ott about the limelight and a whole day being about your child- but your parents aren’t showing any interest or effort- I’d be upset at that.
A 30 minute taxi ride would cost about £30 where I live. So the day will cost £60 without entrance fees, food etc.
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/03/2022 10:06

Well they’re affording to go on holiday- they’ve taken 3hr train rides to their other daughters.
Honestly they could say they were struggling but still want to come etc- they don’t want to go, it’s horrible

grapewines · 04/03/2022 10:07

Maybe pick them up to come around for a while after the farm trip? I'd wager that's part of it.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2022 10:13

I'm not sure a couple in their 70s are going to want to traipse around a farm, especially when they'll have stuff to sort for their holiday the next day.

If it were me, I'd probably pop round a few days beforehand with a gift and a card and spend some quality time with you and the baby.

The 'share the limelight' thing does make me think there might be more to this though.

BuyDirt · 04/03/2022 10:18

It’s a shame if they’ve made the effort for other grandchildren’s birthdays. Have the other birthdays been at similar venues? Maybe they don’t want to be walking around a farm, the cold weather maybe? Is your brother coming with his baby who will also be celebrating a birthday that day? If not, are they seeing him instead?

If they make an effort for your siblings and their children but not you and yours, fuck them. Just enjoy your baby and don’t let them spoil things for you.

MightyFishwife · 04/03/2022 10:24

Yet another MN thread where posters fixate on small details, and start to invent scenarios by reading between the lines.

OP, I'd be hurt too. Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything to be done in situations like this. Personally, I wouldn't bother telling them you were hurt by it - I doubt you'd feel much better if they came to the party only after having been told to.

The ideal situation would, of course, be them feeling they didn't want to miss it. That's not happened, so all you can do is lick your wounds and direct your energy towards people who care.

As a PP put it:

If they make an effort for your siblings and their children but not you and yours, fuck them. Just enjoy your baby and don’t let them spoil things for you.

Happy first birthday to your baby, and happy birth day to you too x

Fromthebirdsnest · 04/03/2022 10:54

I dont think your overreacting they 100% should be making an effort to come to your childs birthday! X

Landedonfeet · 04/03/2022 10:56

You lost me at
* so I had to share the lime light etc.*

Hellorhighwater · 04/03/2022 10:57

I don’t think the limelight comment is as much as people think. IVF is a horrible slog, even if it works and it’s natural to want to feel a bit special and fussed over. We had exactly the opposite, where my sister in law was failing ivf while I was pregnant, and everyone ignored the fact that I was pregnant as far as possible. Of course, I did too, it was awful for her. It’s valid that I felt bad for her, and also felt that I was missing out on being excited about the baby with the grandparents.

I felt like this at Christmas. It was the first Christmas in my kid’s lifetime that my mother has chosen to spend in the UK and she chose to spend it with my aunt and her family, not me and her granddaughter. Then she asked me to do a ‘special Christmas just for us’ on another date. Not invited us to hers, but asked me to do it. I said no, Christmas was at Christmas and she could join us, or not. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but I’m not compensating for being her second choice. I’m still peeved that she thought her winter sun was more important than her only grandchild’s Christmas, and I’m sad for my daughter. Obviously, she’s entitled to make her choices, and I’m entitled to have my feelings about. I’m also entitled to protect my feelings by investing less in the relationship. She can’t have it both ways.

TolkiensFallow · 04/03/2022 11:02

I actually think first birthdays are a huge milestone for a parent! Parents wouldn’t say no to a Christening and it’s as important.

Ponoka7 · 04/03/2022 11:06

Have they done the train ride during the pandemic? How long ago were the other firsts and were did they take place? In your 70's you start to age quickly, even if you've been fit and well before. It might be a bit too much for them with going on holiday the next day. Going to a farm is quite different than going to a house/indoor party. Theirs reasoning might be that they won't really be missed and so have declined. I said on another thread that my sister, 60's and some of her peer group are starting to not cope with the noise in soft play. My DD is in another relationship and I've made it clear that if there's any more babies, I won't be as hands on. Likewise if my eldest DD has a baby I won't be as available as I've been for my other GC because I'm knackered and haven't got the patience anymore.

Chasingaftermidnight · 04/03/2022 11:12

I get it OP. I hate it when people on MN think they’re terribly cool by saying things like ‘your baby won’t remember’ or ‘first birthdays are just for the parents anyway’. No, they won’t remember. Yes, first birthdays are just for the parents. And that’s absolutely fine. As a parent I can’t imagine not making the effort to attend something 30 minutes away that I knew was really important to my daughter, especially if I’d travelled even further to do the same for my other children.

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/03/2022 11:16

For my baby's first birthday, we had a little party at Grandma's (MIL's) house. We were able to put up bunting and balloons out in the garden as it was August, which I appreciate isn't as feasible in March. It's a heck of a lot more convenient for everyone to gather together at one house, and the children enjoy just running around with their cousins, etc. You could have a joint celebration for your DB's baby. Double the joy for your parents...

There's obviously a less pleasant dynamic going on and I understand that, my DB is the golden child and his son the golden grandchild, it sucks - but rather than expecting people to travel a long way to be cold and uncomfortable, why not try to make it easier for everyone?

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/03/2022 11:20

I.m the same generation as your parents, I certainly didn't have a big firt birthday party for mine, it's a fairly recent thing, so they may be struggling to understand it's a big deal for you.

betwixtlives · 04/03/2022 11:27

YABU to complain about sharing the limelight Hmm

Landedonfeet · 04/03/2022 11:29

It is impossible to know whether being unreasonable because other than saying you don’t get on with your siblings you make no mention whatsoever re closeness of family relationships between you and you parents and your parents and siblings

Erinyes · 04/03/2022 11:35

I can’t get past the fact that you resent having had to ‘share the limelight’ when your brother’s third baby unfairly insisted on being born the same day as your first.

In the nicest possible way, grow up. Go and collect your parents if you want them to attend, and/or dial things down to a cup of tea and a birthday cake at home instead, if you think they’re not keen on trekking around a farm.

worriedmum2022 · 04/03/2022 11:39

Tell them to phone a taxi

bluedodecagon · 04/03/2022 11:41

Just go collect them.

Landedonfeet · 04/03/2022 11:42

@Erinyes

I can’t get past the fact that you resent having had to ‘share the limelight’ when your brother’s third baby unfairly insisted on being born the same day as your first.

In the nicest possible way, grow up. Go and collect your parents if you want them to attend, and/or dial things down to a cup of tea and a birthday cake at home instead, if you think they’re not keen on trekking around a farm.

Agree The resenting “sharing the lime light”. Rings alarm bells to me