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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep sister away from daughters birthday

52 replies

Feelingsicky · 03/03/2022 20:58

My daughters 6th birthday is in 2 days. I have OCD and covid has been an enormous challenge for me and triggered a lot. Family aware of this. I have sought therapy and am now doing really well.

Throughout the whole pandemic I have been consistent with family, who tend to bend the rules re covid restrictions/isolation or play ignorant. E.g my mum defending her partners multiple ‘social bubbles’ by telling me she doesn’t think he knows what it means. He’s an engineer for crying out loud. I have told family, if you’re having contact with me and my children, just follow the advice/rules before you visit, otherwise do what you like, I’m not here to police them.

Anyway, upcoming daughters birthday. My sister has gone to see her covid positive bf within the last few days, more than once, they don’t live together. Stating ‘the rules have lifted’, well things only changed about 5 minutes ago and the advice is still to isolate it’s just not a legal requirement anymore.

I’m not comfortable with her coming to the house now, and my mum is sending me messages asking if she can. I even said to her before she saw him, I won’t feel comfortable her coming to my house within a few days of seeing him while he’s positive and she did it anyway.

I also have a baby at home. I know my OCD will play a role in how I follow the advice re covid, but I’m literally asking them to just follow the advice before they see us, nothing more. One way I look at it, is if he had flu, would she see him and then come here, where there’s a baby, no.

AIBU to say she can’t come?

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 03/03/2022 21:01

If you have a baby at home i can understand you being careful, although your 6yo will be mixing with schoolfriend who have covid positive family at home.
Do you or your dsis have any test kits left?

Original poster
Feelingsicky · 03/03/2022 21:07

@ANameChangeAgain

She tells me that her lateral flow is negative.

(She also lied to me saying they only had a socially distanced walk around the park when actually she went over to his house, which my mum danced around until I directly asked, but I won’t say she can’t come because of that as then it’s out of anger/spite)

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 03/03/2022 21:29

Is the lying / avoiding the truth to stop you worrying?
I think we all have our own boundaries with covid. Because my family have already had it and we've been vaccinated I tend to not worry about it any more, but I wouldn't be visiting anyone whilst they are covid positive, just the same as I would keep away from someone with a bad cold, flu, tummy bug. I think she's irresponsible.

Stressedout1009 · 03/03/2022 21:34

Is your 6yo going to school? If so then yabvu, because how are you ok with that?

luckylavender · 03/03/2022 21:35

[quote Feelingsicky]@ANameChangeAgain

She tells me that her lateral flow is negative.

(She also lied to me saying they only had a socially distanced walk around the park when actually she went over to his house, which my mum danced around until I directly asked, but I won’t say she can’t come because of that as then it’s out of anger/spite)[/quote]
I understand your caution but your sister is doing nothing wrong. She is allowed to visit her BF. The rules have changed.

Mummy1608 · 03/03/2022 21:39

Yanbu to invite who you want, and not invite who you don't want, into your home. You don't want to invite your sister, so don't

Outhouse71421 · 03/03/2022 22:09

Just say no if you're uncomfortable. It doesn't matter what anyone else at all thinks, either her or your mum.

Lovemylittlebear · 04/03/2022 05:10

Actually no I wouldn’t be happy with that - rules or no rules atm I wouldn’t want a friend or family member to come round that had been a close contact with Covid. For me school is different because my children need to go to school and I can’t control whether children are sent in when there is Covid at home but I can control who I choose to meet up with. In all fairness I think we should all respect each other’s boundaries. I have friends that wouldn’t mind but because they know my boundaries and I there’s we have rearranged coffee catch ups etc if one has been a close contact. X

secretsqizzle · 04/03/2022 05:26

Lucky lavender
*
I understand your caution but your sister is doing nothing wrong. She is allowed to visit her BF. The rules have changed.*

Completely irrelevant ! Rules changed for political reasons. Johnson was/is in the shit for partygate. Needed a good news story. Not related to public health.

Would I go and visit a person with an INFECTIOUS DISEASE -ANY infectious disease - and then go round to a home with a baby ? Ummmm NO ! Because I am not a self absorbed arse that needs a 'law' to tell me what is basic common sense.

The 'school' argument is bollox. We cannot control what we don't know. HUGE difference between that and visiting someone you KNOW to be infected.

Your OCD isn't in play here - except by those that want to blame and manipulate you for not agreeing with their selfish behaviour.
Deliberately bring an infectious disease into my home and to my baby ? No. Just No

SpiderVersed · 04/03/2022 05:29

It’s your house, set whatever rules suit you and your family.

MintJulia · 04/03/2022 06:08

Your house, your baby and your rules. If your family can't be trusted to tell you the truth then how do you know your dsis isn't positive too.

Yanbu. Whatever keeps you safe, calm and happy.

frazzledasarock · 04/03/2022 06:31

No YANBU.

Your sister most likely has got it. We were all double jabbed and still got covid I’ve had it twice now I had it worse the second time.

As per a pp, I would not go visit an person with an infectious disease several times then go to a party.

People want to pretend covid is over, but a little common sense will make life so much easier for everyone. Everyone reacts differently to covid, I wouldn’t want to knowingly infect people.

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 07:03

I have OCD and I don't think your OCD is relevant - you have every right OCD or not to ask someone to be sensitive to your opinions on Covid. You were clear on the boundaries and now you should enforce them. Comparing your sister to kids in school is not the same - she is exchanging body fluids with a positive covid case and it takes a few days at least for covid to show up. Keep to your line in the sand and say something like we'll look forward to seeing her next family catch up but I was clear and I don't feel comfortable.

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 07:07

And also - by highlighting your OCD you are in a way apologising for being oversensitive. You are not being oversensitive and do not need to apologise. So I would drop the OCD from any explanations with your family of why your sister can't come. She can't come because you had a rule in place and she broke it. If you feel you need to justify your rule to your family then you are putting yourself in a position of weakness.
Good luck on your OCD journey - things can and do get better. You do though need to watch your daughter for signs and if she has any get her help when she is young child as a teen with OCD is so much harder to help.

balalake · 04/03/2022 07:10

Your house, your choice. Arrange/agree for your sister to visit a few days later. Your DD being aware that sometimes things cannot go to plan and sometimes someone cannot always visit on their birthday may be a useful life lesson in any case.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/03/2022 07:44

Trying to police your family's behaviour around Covid is a stressful waste of time. They do what they like and they aren't even honest about it. So you have two choices:

  • invite them and take the risk that they might have Covid.
  • tell them that you aren't inviting family for DD's birthday this year.

At the moment the risk of catching Covid is still fairly high but the danger is low, so I'd probably do the first. But the second is reasonable too, and I would certainly do that if there was a more dangerous variant than Omicron going round.

I would choose to not invite "family" rather than just "your sister" because your mother is too deeply involved as well, she doesn't respect your wishes and she shouldn't be trying to persuade you to invite your sister either.

Either way, don't bother trying to tell them what to do about Covid. They wont do it and you'll just get into long arguments and stress yourself out.

needhelp34 · 04/03/2022 08:28

YANBU. Your house, your rules.

We declined a wedding invitation and felt bad leading up to it (it was a few weeks ago) but the entire wedding party came down with Covid. I went out for the first time in 6 months last week, just for a meal, and I now have Covid.

The rules have changed but it hasn’t gone anywhere.

TheOccupier · 04/03/2022 09:44

If you have a 6yo in school it is ridiculous to make an issue of your sister's behaviour, the schools are full of covid! Greet her at the door with a lateral flow test if it makes you feel better.

Original poster
Feelingsicky · 04/03/2022 09:50

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Particularly @secretsqizzle and @ittakes2 for your comments re OCD, it is difficult to know is how much of a role it is playing sometimes.

I agree school is different, my daughter does go and that is not something I can control. But anyone who I planned to meet up with for example, that then has a covid positive family member in the house, we have rearranged. I apply the same boundaries to everyone. Family (my mum and sister) are leaning towards blaming it on the OCD, with my sister basically yelling at me ‘we can’t all live like you’. Even though my OCD is barely noticeable anymore.

I try to keep the OCD from daughter as much possible and she is reason sought help in the first place. Before that it was just part of daily life.

Thanks again, I will be keeping firm with her not coming and clear that it is not related to OCD, just common sense and thinking about others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsicky · 04/03/2022 09:53

@TheOccupier, I think if you just read @secretsqizzle ‘s post 👍

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 04/03/2022 12:10

Not sure what the passive-aggressive thumbs-up is meant to signify? Sorry if this triggers you but we do KNOW that primary schools are full of Covid - certainly where I live they are! There's no way that one visit from your sister is a greater risk to your 9-month old baby than daily contact with a 5yo, especially if you make her test before coming into the house.

Original poster
Feelingsicky · 04/03/2022 13:41

@TheOccupier I disagree as do most others apparently. My sister is kissing/hugging someone covid positive and then coming to my house, where I’ve been clear with my boundaries. This is completely different to my DD possibly having contact at school with another kid whose family member may or may not have covid. There are things I can’t control but that doesn’t mean I’m going to invite covid into my home. Not going to school would be extremely detrimental to DD, not seeing your covid positive bf for a few days is not, or seeing her auntie a few days after her birthday. I’m increasing the chance of baby or any of us getting covid if I just think, we’ll she’s at school so sod it. This would also be going above and beyond what current advice is. All I’m asking family to do is follow advice IF seeing us.

When she’s isn’t having contact with me I have no issue with what she does, I don’t judge or tell her what she should do.

The thumbs up was ‘passively aggressively’ telling you to move along.

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 04/03/2022 13:46

How did you find out your sister had gone into the house, as opposed to walking round the park? Did you dig into your mum until she gave you the answer you want?

I think it's just much, much easier to accept everyone's stories on face value and if you can't, I would suggest that the OCD is playing a bigger part in this than you're acknowledging.

When it comes down to it, that's fine - your house, your rules - but I don't think your behaviour is coming across in quite the way you think it is.

HeckyPeck · 04/03/2022 13:53

@MaChienEstUnDick

How did you find out your sister had gone into the house, as opposed to walking round the park? Did you dig into your mum until she gave you the answer you want?

I think it's just much, much easier to accept everyone's stories on face value and if you can't, I would suggest that the OCD is playing a bigger part in this than you're acknowledging.

When it comes down to it, that's fine - your house, your rules - but I don't think your behaviour is coming across in quite the way you think it is.

I don't have OCD and if someone is obviously dancing around an answer as OP said, I wouldn't just pretend to believe them. I don't think her questioning someone who's being evasive has anything to do with her OCD at all.
HELLITHURT · 04/03/2022 13:58

The rules may have changed five minutes ago but they have changed.