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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner financial buffer

83 replies

Moneyfun12 · 03/03/2022 19:12

So, I’m happy to be told IABU or otherwise as genuinely not sure.

I earn good money, and my partner has an okay salary at circa 30k. We live together in a rented property. I do own a property separately but we don’t live in it due to location/we live in London for work and who can afford a shoebox even in London central. I also have other savings/investments which are circa 80k

My partner expressed concerns about 1 year ago about not having a financial buffer and as I work in finance I know how important this is.

So instead of paying their % of salary share of the rent and bills I said ‘save for your buffer first’ which we agreed would be circa 4 months salary for them (8k) and then we can do a % of salary as a bills split. Its now been a year and they have had ample time to save this buffer. However they seem a bit annoyed that I’ve suggested that we now go to a % of income bills approach and my assets/earning are a point of contention!

AIBU? Should I just continue to cover it because I can, or should they fairly and proportional to salary contribute?

OP posts:

latetothefisting · 03/03/2022 22:27

@TheRealityCheque

Man earns more than woman:

Man need to pay more to joint finances to ensure both have the same 'personal money' left other or man is financial abusive.

Woman earns more than man:

They should pay the same amount into joint finances and he should have less personal money. He's her partner, she's not financially responsible for him.

This place is so unbelievably sexist, it's unreal.
Welcome to Mumsnet, lol.

Except OP isn't saying they should pay the same. She's saying they should pay the same proportionally to their wages. She will still be paying much more, as she earns more. Which on all the similar threads I've seen, has been suggested as the best solution whatever the sex of the higher earning partner.

So you're talking shit. And are also homophobic, seeing as at no point OP has said her partner is male.

OP your partner is deluded that they should be able to live for £500 contributions in London. If you were subsidising them because they were on maternity leave or studying full time fair enough. Subsidising them because they want to have more disposable income and "it isn't fair" some careers get paid more than theirs (which presumably nobody forced them into!), when you've already paid all their outgoings for a year, is ridiculous, and only a selfish twat would ask you to.

Ask them how much they'd have left over for fun/investments if you broke up and they had to go back to flatsharing with randoms/covering all bills themselves. Certainly less than £1.5k

Kite22 · 03/03/2022 22:34

@TheRealityCheque

Man earns more than woman:

Man need to pay more to joint finances to ensure both have the same 'personal money' left other or man is financial abusive.

Woman earns more than man:

They should pay the same amount into joint finances and he should have less personal money. He's her partner, she's not financially responsible for him.

This place is so unbelievably sexist, it's unreal.
Welcome to Mumsnet, lol.

I don't agree. If people have made a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together and have dc together, then money becomes family money.

The OP says they have been together 2 years. They are not married. There are no dc. For a whole year, the partner has paid nothing. They are renting. There is no commitment. At this point, you work out if both people pay proportionately to income, or if they split 50:50 or what. It doesn't matter is it is 2 men, 2 women, 1 man and 1 woman, and who is the higher earner.

Lou98 · 03/03/2022 22:45

I agree investments are different.

If they contribute their share of £750 a month, that still leaves them £1250 - what are they spending all of that on that they can't invest/save some?

YANBU OP. You have been together for 2 years and for one year of that they haven't been contributing anything towards bills - when did you move in together? Have they ever paid towards bills? If they've gotten used to having their full salary to keep they won't want to give that up. To be honest, id be questioning if they even saved their buffer

HollowTalk · 03/03/2022 22:49

The thing is, you might as well have just given your partner the cash. They are now totally reliant on you. I would personally hate that.

Sassbott · 04/03/2022 12:49

But the partner isn’t reliant on the OP remotely actually. If what the OP has said has happened, he’s lived off her in order to build his own personal buffer / investment. If they break up tomorrow the OP is essentially out of pocket personally whilst he is considerably better off having lived off and pocketed the proceeds of such. Technically he’s more independent (certainly in the short term) as he now has a cash reserve built up.

What exactly does he have to hate about this situation? He’s quids in and has benefitted from the OP’s immense generosity.

Lou98 · 04/03/2022 13:04

@HollowTalk

The thing is, you might as well have just given your partner the cash. They are now totally reliant on you. I would personally hate that.

How are they totally reliant on the OP?

They have been together 2 years, for one year of that the Partner hasn't paid any bills so that they can save up a buffer of £8k - that is theirs in their savings, if they were to split they have their buffer (if they actually saved it that is).

The OP wants them to split bills proportionately to their earnings which would mean the partner paying £750 a month - the OP has said they have take home pay of £2K a month - that is £1250 they would be left with in their pockets each month. What exactly is it you would hate?

Gardenista · 04/03/2022 14:36

@Moneyfun12 - your partner is financially abusing you. My ex husband did the same to me, very quickly expected to have an equal lifestyle to mine . I had spent years in higher education and working as a professional. He hadn’t.
I enabled his financial abuse of me.
I posted on mumsnet at the time and was told how it would end - as it did with a divorce, him taking some of my assets and we now have a child he doesn’t take any responsibility for - no maintenance and very little contact. Why would he need to bother? I’m so competent he knows our child is well cared for.
I think you are better off alone than in such an unequal “partnership “.
That he feel entitled to have the same opportunity to invest as you , but is earning a very mediocre wage (at London rates) should tell you all you need to - you are a meal ticket to him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 14:42

They are now totally reliant on you

I wouldn't say reliant exactly - after all they must have lived somewhere else before and presumably could do so again - but it certainly sounds as if they're enjoying this cushy number and resent the idea of contributing properly

But then who wouldn't enjoy a London pad for just £500 a month, with everything thrown in and sex on tap?

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