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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner financial buffer

83 replies

Moneyfun12 · 03/03/2022 19:12

So, I’m happy to be told IABU or otherwise as genuinely not sure.

I earn good money, and my partner has an okay salary at circa 30k. We live together in a rented property. I do own a property separately but we don’t live in it due to location/we live in London for work and who can afford a shoebox even in London central. I also have other savings/investments which are circa 80k

My partner expressed concerns about 1 year ago about not having a financial buffer and as I work in finance I know how important this is.

So instead of paying their % of salary share of the rent and bills I said ‘save for your buffer first’ which we agreed would be circa 4 months salary for them (8k) and then we can do a % of salary as a bills split. Its now been a year and they have had ample time to save this buffer. However they seem a bit annoyed that I’ve suggested that we now go to a % of income bills approach and my assets/earning are a point of contention!

AIBU? Should I just continue to cover it because I can, or should they fairly and proportional to salary contribute?

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/03/2022 21:09

What are you on about @PearPickingPorky? She's not his mum! She's already given him a year off contributing to anything and it's not enough? Good grief

LizzieSiddal · 03/03/2022 21:09

You earn nearly 3 times that of your partner.
If this is a long term commitment, in your situation, I personally would put in the extra 250 without any second thought.

DontBeMean · 03/03/2022 21:16

So they waited for you to bring this up and would have been happy to keep quiet and sponge off you indefinitely. That should tell,you a lot about their character. If the tables had been turned I bet you wouldn't have stayed quiet.

Ifeelgoodgoodgood · 03/03/2022 21:18

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ErickBroch · 03/03/2022 21:19

I said it on the first page that you're not being unreasonable, you have been incredibly generous. My partner and I are not yet married - we deposit a proportionate amount into the joint account each month and it's worked fine for 4 years! We have already said when we are married this year we will change it around.

Partner and I have always split about 60/40, he still has more disposable income than me but he puts in more and earns more, so doesn't bother me. He needs to pay the full, fair proportion. Don't accept less.

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 21:19

@Clymene

What are you on about *@PearPickingPorky*? She's not his mum! She's already given him a year off contributing to anything and it's not enough? Good grief
I think it very much depends what the end goal is: a life together as a team, or just two people having fun, living together, but not intending for it to be a long-term commitment.
ErickBroch · 03/03/2022 21:21

People saying posters are hypocrytical... er, no. Huge differences: not married & only been together two years. They shouldn't be pooling all their money at this point if they don't want to.

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 21:24

@ErickBroch

People saying posters are hypocrytical... er, no. Huge differences: not married & only been together two years. They shouldn't be pooling all their money at this point if they don't want to.
DH and I pooled money as soon as we moved in together (after 9 months), because we wanted to make long-term plans and goals.
cuno · 03/03/2022 21:26

@ErickBroch

People saying posters are hypocrytical... er, no. Huge differences: not married & only been together two years. They shouldn't be pooling all their money at this point if they don't want to.
Well they can still contribute proportional to income without pooling money together.
ErickBroch · 03/03/2022 21:30

@cuno yes that's exactly my point? He should pay in proportionately?

@PearPickingPorky I am glad that works for you but it's not for everyone and OP doesn't need to make that decision if she doesn't want to. I earn less than my DP and we pay things as a proportion and it works fine. We are going to pool when we get married this year. Just works for us. My point is, just because OP isn't giving in to this person already doesn't mean she isn't a good partner. Especially when she's let them live without contributing fuck all for a year.

cuno · 03/03/2022 21:35

@ErickBroch
50:50 isn't proportional to income though. I would say more like 35:65 in their instance. However I don't think the OP should have given him a free year either! It started the whole thing on unusual footing.

nomoneytree · 03/03/2022 21:35

Where did they live before they moved in with you. Did they used to earn more. I couldn't be with someone that saw my salary as their way of achieving a financial buffer.

MayMorris · 03/03/2022 21:36

@Moneyfun12

They’ve now suggested to put in £500 per month, which isn’t a total proportional split and they think anymore is unfair on them due to needing the other 1.5k of their salary.

As a proportional split their contribution would be £750 but to be totally honest I could cover the £250 without issue. I just worry that I’ve set a crap precedent here for our relationship and I shouldn’t have to ask for a fair contribution 😕

Nope proportional. Don’t set precedents. You’re not married to give you legal backup if he walks off after you’ve effectively “saved” for him. That’s what you’re doing…giving him £250 a month to go into his saving pots.
Ifeelgoodgoodgood · 03/03/2022 21:39

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Nightlystroll · 03/03/2022 21:40

If you’re married. People advise to have equal disposal income if you’re married with DC. That’s how it’s different.

Of course both should be contributing but it's according to your ability and income. I don't see what marriage has to do with it. If you're in a committed relationship that you're planning to be long term, the same applies. What is the point of a relationship if one has no money and the other has lots. How will that ever work out? And actually it's even more important outside marriage. If you divorce, you have some chance to rebalanced the situation through splitting the estate. But if you're not married, the poorer one, who has been covering 50% of the living expenses, will have no automatic claim after breaking up and will have to start again with nothing.
DC are a red herring. Surely you're looking at equality within a relationship and that's not influenced by or dependent on DC. Childless people are not less worthy or less in need of finsncial equality and security within a relationship.

cuno · 03/03/2022 21:43

@Nightlystroll

If you’re married. People advise to have equal disposal income if you’re married with DC. That’s how it’s different.

Of course both should be contributing but it's according to your ability and income. I don't see what marriage has to do with it. If you're in a committed relationship that you're planning to be long term, the same applies. What is the point of a relationship if one has no money and the other has lots. How will that ever work out? And actually it's even more important outside marriage. If you divorce, you have some chance to rebalanced the situation through splitting the estate. But if you're not married, the poorer one, who has been covering 50% of the living expenses, will have no automatic claim after breaking up and will have to start again with nothing.
DC are a red herring. Surely you're looking at equality within a relationship and that's not influenced by or dependent on DC. Childless people are not less worthy or less in need of finsncial equality and security within a relationship.

That's summed up my thoughts on this too.
FirewomanSam · 03/03/2022 21:45

How the heck can someone on 25k take home, save £8k in one year?! In London, too!

Pretty easily if they’re not paying any rent or bills.

LuaDipa · 03/03/2022 21:45

@TheRealityCheque

Man earns more than woman:

Man need to pay more to joint finances to ensure both have the same 'personal money' left other or man is financial abusive.

Woman earns more than man:

They should pay the same amount into joint finances and he should have less personal money. He's her partner, she's not financially responsible for him.

This place is so unbelievably sexist, it's unreal.
Welcome to Mumsnet, lol.

When they are married with kids, not after a short term relationship! Op has already been more than generous but £500 per month with no dependents on a £30k salary is taking the piss.
Acheyknees · 03/03/2022 21:50

So they want to save their money and spend yours because you earn more basically. Its a no from me
If they want to save they need to earn more. Simple.

Sassbott · 03/03/2022 21:58

Do you know that he built his buffer while you essentially subsidised him?

Sorry but you do realise this is essentially you handing over your hard earned cash into his bank account right? That’s if he saved vs spent.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2022 22:05

Their view is that investing is important and they should be able to start investing too now (as I have in the past) to create a more equitable future

Since you've already offered a "contributions break" so they could save (have they done this?) the translation seems to be that they just want to keep most of their money for themselves
Worse still, from your timescale, it looks as if they came up with this wheeze not long after moving in

Possibly they're thinking "Well she can afford it" since you earn nearly three times as much, but for me that wouldn't be acceptable and I'd be thinking "cocklodger"

Eggs2022 · 03/03/2022 22:06

@Moneyfun12

Their view is that investing is important and they should be able to start investing too now (as I have in the past) to create a more equitable future. I do think it would be good for them to be able to invest too but I just think this is on them to find money for from disposable income. I was happy to subsidise a buffer, makes sense and no one wants to see someone they love concerned and anxious about money and feeling like they have no savings.

Investments feels like another story to me and one they need to fund.

He’s comparing what you’ve done on a much higher salary to what he can do with a lower one… not everyone has a right to have investments etc! Maybe it’s your wording but he sounds as though he’s resentful, as if you having them stopped him somehow (if he covered bills etc and now it’s his turn which obvs isn’t the case). Maybe he needs to have a bit of realism as to what he can achieve on his salary independent of what you managed with yours
Luredbyapomegranate · 03/03/2022 22:14

@Moneyfun12

They’ve now suggested to put in £500 per month, which isn’t a total proportional split and they think anymore is unfair on them due to needing the other 1.5k of their salary.

As a proportional split their contribution would be £750 but to be totally honest I could cover the £250 without issue. I just worry that I’ve set a crap precedent here for our relationship and I shouldn’t have to ask for a fair contribution 😕

You aren’t married. It should be proportional at the very least. Many people would insist on 50/50. £750 is very low for London living. I wouldn’t be making any deeper commitment to this person.
Bunty55 · 03/03/2022 22:24

@DogsAndGin

How the heck can someone on 25k take home, save £8k in one year?! In London, too!
Easy when you let someone else pay all the bills
SallyMcNally · 03/03/2022 22:25

I think the question around lifestyle is relevant as I know I've found it difficult trying to keep up with a much higher earning partner who wanted to eat out/have expensive holidays all the time which left me struggling.

Of course I was only struggling because I was trying to pay my way though...

I'd say at the stage of life you are in proportional contributions are fair- unless you are insisting on staying in a fancy z1 flat that he wouldn't be able to afford though. If he wants to save why not suggest that you increase the total amount contributed and set up a savings/investment fund together that can go towards if you do eventually buy a house/have a baby etc. I would talk to an advisor to ensure contributions are divided proportionately if you do split up though.