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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner financial buffer

83 replies

Moneyfun12 · 03/03/2022 19:12

So, I’m happy to be told IABU or otherwise as genuinely not sure.

I earn good money, and my partner has an okay salary at circa 30k. We live together in a rented property. I do own a property separately but we don’t live in it due to location/we live in London for work and who can afford a shoebox even in London central. I also have other savings/investments which are circa 80k

My partner expressed concerns about 1 year ago about not having a financial buffer and as I work in finance I know how important this is.

So instead of paying their % of salary share of the rent and bills I said ‘save for your buffer first’ which we agreed would be circa 4 months salary for them (8k) and then we can do a % of salary as a bills split. Its now been a year and they have had ample time to save this buffer. However they seem a bit annoyed that I’ve suggested that we now go to a % of income bills approach and my assets/earning are a point of contention!

AIBU? Should I just continue to cover it because I can, or should they fairly and proportional to salary contribute?

OP posts:

foobio · 03/03/2022 20:29

I think context is important here; how long have you been together, how old are you , what life stage, what career stage, where do you see things going in future (marriage, kids, pets, moving out of London etc), does your partner have the opportunity or ladder to improve career salary, are they persueing a dream low paid career over a better paid job they would be equally qualified for?

My answer is very different if you are graduates 5 years into a job vs 10 year relationship expecting to settle together Vs in a 20 year relationship nearing retirement!

foobio · 03/03/2022 20:30

GAH cross post!

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2022 20:31

you've let this person live with you for a year and pay nothing? they must think they've won the lottery!

Stop enabling this CF! You gave him an inch and he’s decided to take the piss. He is reneging on an agreement because it suits his pocket, his lack of self respect is only matched by his lack of respect of you.

This is who he is, I personally wouldn’t waste my breath expecting him to be different. Throw this one back.

man clearly has no self respect

TheRealityCheque · 03/03/2022 20:37

Man earns more than woman:

Man need to pay more to joint finances to ensure both have the same 'personal money' left other or man is financial abusive.

Woman earns more than man:

They should pay the same amount into joint finances and he should have less personal money. He's her partner, she's not financially responsible for him.

This place is so unbelievably sexist, it's unreal.
Welcome to Mumsnet, lol.

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/03/2022 20:38

And whatever you do, please don't marry him! Sounds like he's way too interested in YOUR finances. After only 2 years together, that would worry me.

TracyMosby · 03/03/2022 20:38

@TheRealityCheque

Man earns more than woman:

Man need to pay more to joint finances to ensure both have the same 'personal money' left other or man is financial abusive.

Woman earns more than man:

They should pay the same amount into joint finances and he should have less personal money. He's her partner, she's not financially responsible for him.

This place is so unbelievably sexist, it's unreal.
Welcome to Mumsnet, lol.

How do you know the partner is male? Have i missed a post?

Nightlystroll · 03/03/2022 20:39

I read on here all the time women being told that they and their higher earning partners should pool their wages and have the same disposable income each because its a partnership. How is this different?
If you're planning to settle down together, surely you need some equality? If it all stays your money and his money, he's never going to able to afford things and holidays that you can. And won't that lead to resentment?

AnathemaPulsifer · 03/03/2022 20:39

You’ve been more than generous. Going forward you should pay bills proportional to salary. He’s still getting a great deal only 2 years in.

ItsDinah · 03/03/2022 20:40

Well, if £500 is all they can afford/want to pay for rent and bills, I guess you have to move somewhere £500 will cover half of the rent and bills. How about a bedsit in Dorking? If he is not on track to earn a much higher salary soon, I'd argue that London is not for him. If you live centrally to suit your career/earnings rather than him, I can see an argument for you making such a big subsidy of the rent ( but not other costs). If it is to suit him/of equal benefit then it really should be 50/50. As costs are going up,he should be offering to pay in more.

Clymene · 03/03/2022 20:40

You've got yourself a cocklodger sweetheart

Nightlystroll · 03/03/2022 20:42

Apologies, you could both be women, but my argument would be still be the same, just substitute 'she' for 'he'.

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2022 20:42

@Nightlystroll

I read on here all the time women being told that they and their higher earning partners should pool their wages and have the same disposable income each because its a partnership. How is this different? If you're planning to settle down together, surely you need some equality? If it all stays your money and his money, he's never going to able to afford things and holidays that you can. And won't that lead to resentment?

If you’re married. People advise to have equal disposal income if you’re married with DC. That’s how it’s different.

DogsAndGin · 03/03/2022 20:45

How the heck can someone on 25k take home, save £8k in one year?! In London, too!

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 20:52

@Moneyfun12

Okay so as requested; Age both 34 Income - mine is 80k. Partners 30k Relationship ‘status’ together two years Gender - Not sure why relevant but I’m female Plans - not sure what the question is?

If you are planning on being life partners, then leaving your partner unable to save up for their own property, so they have some security of homeownership like you have, seems quite uncomfortable to me, as they will always feel insecure. Unless you get married. Perhaps they need that security that they are not going to be renting forever.

PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 20:55

Also, it's no fun being in a relationship with someone where you can't afford to keep up with the social spending of the other person because they earn so much more than you.

So it depends whether you see a long-term future with this person, or whether this is just a casual relationship you're still undecided on.

cuno · 03/03/2022 20:56

Am I really in the minority here who thinks contributions should be proportional to take home income? So take home is roughly 24k to 55k. So I think he should pay around a third and you two thirds of rent and bills. You're partners not roommates after all.

SausagePourHomme · 03/03/2022 20:58

essentially whats happened is you've given him 8 grand. and he wants more.

SausagePourHomme · 03/03/2022 20:59

"Am I really in the minority here who thinks contributions should be proportional to take home income? So take home is roughly 24k to 55k. So I think he should pay around a third and you two thirds of rent and bills. You're partners not roommates after all."

if you're married. Not a boyfriend.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 03/03/2022 21:00

Wow, he’s proper taken you for a mug. How cringe. He’s just using you. Only two years in and you’re paying for it.

DillyDilly · 03/03/2022 21:00

You were only with your partner for a year when you agreed you would cover his share of rent and bills, so he could save. You are being a mug.

PS did he actually save the amount he would have paid in rent/bills ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2022 21:03

@Moneyfun12

It's relevant because the pay gap tends to get worse as you age. So two 22 years olds of different sexes may earn the same but that may change with children and age. Women are much more likely to be poor in old age.

Plans is if you are engaged and plan to marry in a year, that's different to dating two years.

In your case I'd definitely expect contributions. Two years, partners not married? Yeah, closer to 50:50.

cuno · 03/03/2022 21:04

@SausagePourHomme

if you're married. Not a boyfriend.

Well I disagree. If you choose to live with a romantic partner then that's what they are, not a housemate.

Ifeelgoodgoodgood · 03/03/2022 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AskingforaBaskin · 03/03/2022 21:08

@mrsm43s

Surely you should pool all money as "family money" and split the remainder so that you have equal spends? That's certainly what would be suggested if the woman was the lower earner. This is assuming, obviously, that you are in a fully committed relationship.

Given that you have a property and a huge amount of savings and a high income, and your DP has a relatively low income, surely the financial gap between you would be really uncomfortable, and you'd have completely different lifestyles if you don't pool your money and then split it equally. Surely you don't want your DP scrabbling around to make ends meet while you live in luxury?

They aren't family. And no I would think a woman were sponging if her suggestion was that she save all her money but live off her partners.

Nordicwannabe · 03/03/2022 21:09

it's no fun being in a relationship with someone where you can't afford to keep up with the social spending of the other person because they earn so much more than you.

This. If you split dinners out, holidays etc 50/50 (which most people do) then is your joint lifestyle a £30k or an £80k lifestyle?

You probably do need to think about whether you're building a life together or whether this is still just having fun together. Long-term, if you're building a life together, then the higher earner is inevitably going to subsidise the lower earner one way or another (whether by paying more into rent/bills or by paying more of the 'lifestyle' costs like socialising and holidays). You just need to find a way to do it which you're both happy with.

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