To think if you work from home, you’ll have interruptions

[Positivelyperfect]

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

@busyeatingbiscuits
"
Why would you prioritise your adult DH's preferences over your 1 year old being tired and wanting to see his mum

A long day in nursery is tough for a small child, especially having to be one of the last to be picked up at the end of the day while staff are busy packing up and cleaning. So much nicer to be picked up after tea and go home.

I'd try to have a bit more empathy with the baby who has no choices in the situation that the grown man who wants everything his own way."

I wasn't prioritising the husband in this reply at all, I was basing it off how I feel. And I find it stressful trying to entertain/ keep our toddler quiet and it would be easier to have her in childcare whilst hubby was working. It would be a choice for me. For my sanity. ☺️

I’m not making dinner five nights a week and I am not sticking my 13 month old in the lounge on his own in front of CBeebies.

Then there's those ones. And that's just on this page. All impossible though, aren't they

Looks like the whole point of the post you quoted flew right over your head 😂

@Escargooooooo

There is no door between the kitchen and where DH is working so it effectively means the kitchen is off limits if I’m not going to have DS running into DH all the time.

Then he moves to somewhere where there is a door. Why is this such a difficult concept for you both?

Where would that be, and by the by, why are you being so rude, sarcastic and unpleasant?

[quote Kindfulness]@busyeatingbiscuits
"
Why would you prioritise your adult DH's preferences over your 1 year old being tired and wanting to see his mum

A long day in nursery is tough for a small child, especially having to be one of the last to be picked up at the end of the day while staff are busy packing up and cleaning. So much nicer to be picked up after tea and go home.

I'd try to have a bit more empathy with the baby who has no choices in the situation that the grown man who wants everything his own way."

I wasn't prioritising the husband in this reply at all, I was basing it off how I feel. And I find it stressful trying to entertain/ keep our toddler quiet and it would be easier to have her in childcare whilst hubby was working. It would be a choice for me. For my sanity. ☺️[/quote]
That's still prioritising the husband though - ignoring the child's needs, either keep them quiet or pack them off for long hours of childcare so the adults preference for working in the middle of the home isn't interfered with.

Of course it is stressful trying to keep a tired toddler quiet and out of the way. It's stressful for the child too.

@Positivelyperfect

I’m not making dinner five nights a week and I am not sticking my 13 month old in the lounge on his own in front of CBeebies.

Why. Can. Your. Husband. Not. Work. In. A Room. That. Has. A. Door?

All your excuses are based on your DH sat right in front of the boy in an open plan area.

Sorry, none of the rooms in your property have a door?

The OP a says she can’t do any of that because HER DH is expecting silence. Which as you said is impossible to do with any of the proposals.
THE DH is also the one who who doens’t want to do in the bedroom.

I don’t think OP has said her DH expects silence and no one has said she should keep DS silent, but even if he did want that he is the one choosing to WFH so he has to put up with it.

But there can be compromises - he can go into the office 2/3 days a week, if he can’t work in the bedroom they could get a baby gate so DS isn’t climbing on his dad and OP running after him constantly, they could get a playpen so OP can sit and have a coffee or make dinner etc.

If it was all day then he should absolutely go back to the office but him WFH will have lots of positives too.
so I don’t think it’s a case of she has to go out after work everyday vs he has to go back to the office FT.
A compromise can easily be found here.

Your dh can't expect silence and no interruptions, but equally you should be able to reduce the interruptions for an hour and a half. Can you feed your ds when he comes in from nursery? Or maybe use this time to bath him instead of before bed, a change in routine might be difficult for a few days but you could use a chunk of the 90 minutes to do something with your ds to keep interruptions to a minimum

@Escargooooooo

There is no door between the kitchen and where DH is working so it effectively means the kitchen is off limits if I’m not going to have DS running into DH all the time.

Then he moves to somewhere where there is a door. Why is this such a difficult concept for you both?

Its the DH that won't do this, not OP!

but him WFH will have lots of positives too.

Not for the OP. All ages getting is extra stress from his entitlement.

She's

I think this is one of the most frustrating threads I have ever read on MN and I've been here nearly 15 years.

Of course the OP isn't being unreasonable.

The people saying otherwise either haven't ever had to deal with post nursery pick up witching hours or have completely forgotten what that age group is actually like.

The utter sexism in suggesting that OP is somehow failing as a mother because she can't live up to the selfish and unreasonable demands of the child's father who has co-opted their home as a workplace is appalling.

He has a choice. He has made his choice and as a result has to deal with the shortcomings of it.

@Escargooooooo

Sorry, none of the rooms in your property have a door?

In my house, the whole downstairs is open plan….

DH is working in what is actually our living room/dining room which leads to the kitchen/loo downstairs and the stairs.

So no there are no doors to close. Is it really that unusual?

You could put a baby gate up

It doesn’t stop DS trying to get in and shouting and crying.

DH could work in another room
But he won’t

you could have a playpen whilst your chopping, put him in a high chair with a toy/snack etc.

While I make dinner like a good wifey 🤣 and again doesn’t stop him shouting and crying, does it?

No one has said you need to do this in silence as that’s impossible but you can’t keep making excuses up as to why you can’t do things.

Not in silence but I can’t have DS crying (and he would if stuck in a playpen and ignored while I do my wifely duties.)

There's those ones.

Put the boy in his high chair.

For ninety minutes?

Give him some food. Give him a bath

For ninety minutes?

Read to him. Put the TV on. Get some toys out. Give him a drink.

I do. These aren’t quiet activities with a toddler.

Or, I know this is impossible, but instead of having DH not behind a closed door and sat ten feet away from where the boy can just waddle too...he could, you know, go in a room and close the door

Yes, he does, but the point is DS knows he is there and gravitates there constantly.

Happy? Because I am not. I feel pretty shit.

Do you know how I feel? I feel that despite working full time, my only existence is really to cook, clean and do childcare. Fine if i had chosen that but I didn’t. I work fucking hard. I shouldn’t have to cook dinner five nights a week.

@Positivelyperfect

i would simply have the child in childcare for longer, you have an hour to yourself at the end of the day to relax, do some bits around the house... collect child at 5/5:30 and then by the time you're home it's almost time for your husband to finish work!

Aside from the obvious point that the real loser in this scenario is a extremely young child who is spending 730-530 5 days a week in childcare, none of those things apply. I would leave work at 4, return at 430 and because of peak traffic have approximately fifteen minutes “relaxing” before having to go out again, get DS and then drive through peak traffic so what should be a ten minute journey is probably closer to thirty.

Being at home is only valuable if you’re doung valuable things with him. Seems not if he just spends 2 hours scrambling to get his dad. Doing 7:30 - 5-6 is far far better for a toddler than to be constantly rejected / ignored by a parent for nearly 2 hours. This is why kids who went to nursery while their parents worked from home during the Lockdown did far better development wise than kids who didn’t. I’m not talking about academic development here either, but social and physical development. The 2-3 year olds who start nursery now often haven’t even picked up a crayon

If your Dh has the option of going to an office then that's what he should do. I intensely dislike the way that homes have become workplaces and that people, big and small, have to tiptoe around in order to facilitate that. It's a home not an office.

In terms of compromise I think him working in the bedroom with the door tightly closed and him trying not to be 'booming' is the only solution. Is he able to start earlier and finish earlier? If your child can't see or hear him he will be a bit easier to distract. Maybe put him straight in the bath after nursery, a bit of splashing and some toys? Or a snack in the kitchen with you chatting to him?

Given your set up there doesn't really seem to be a solution, but I totally agree that you and your child staying out for an extra hour every night isn't it!

Ok it's worth noting that all toddlers are different dd1 at that age would be told no and stop (I thought I was mother of the year) then I had dd2 who I told no and she would laugh and say no as she was doing the prohibited act.

Any way, could your dp alter his hours? Start at 7 and finish at 4/5? Doing his core bourse but earlier?

Why. Can. Your. Husband. Not. Work. In. A.Room. That. Has. A. Door?

That’s a question for the DH, not the OP.
But clearly he likes his desk rather than the bedroom and doesn’t want to move?
Is that the OP’s fault too?

@Positivelyperfect

Yes, he could work at the office but he prefers wfh.

Well then your DH will need to accept that his preference to WFH because it's easier for him, means that he will need to compromise on the noise and interruptions that occur from 430pm due to his toddler using the house for its actual function.

Expecting you to take a 1 year old out for 90 minutes, at dinner time, every evening, after nursery, so that he can not be inconvenienced in the slightest, is entirely unreasonable.

He needs to move to the bedroom, close the door, speak more quietly on the phone (with a proper headset), and you and DS have the run of the rest of the house, and you can put on some music in the kitchen/living room so DS is less likely to hear his dad and get upset.

Your DH is being very selfish.

He’s needs to go upstairs for the last 90 minutes. It’s really not a big deal. Noise wise he’ll have to get over it. Use ear plugs or ear phones.

Plus it's so hard to advise without knowing type of house / area etc

I am rural with a large house and big garden but in the middle of no where so costa isn't an option but other room / summer house is

If you are in a city there may be easy places for your dp to work from

@Positivelyperfect

I have a DH wfh and a toddler. I pick the toddler up at around 4, home for 430. DH finishes at 6, which leaves an hour and a half or so of time where DS is constantly trying to get to DH, crying and having tantrums.

DH ‘solution’ to this is take DS out but tbh I really don’t think I should have to do this five days a week!

If you have a large garden, can you convert a shed or build an office cabin ?

Op it sounds like an impossible situation in a home with no upstairs. I was lucky when I worked from home as I worked upstairs when kids were 11 months and 2 and a half. We were able to put a stair gate up.

Can you possibly move to somewhere with an upstairs? Or just a better lay out?

I don’t really want advice. I was simply wondering what the consensus was re being unreasonable or not and it is that I am not being unreasonable, but a minority of very vocal and unpleasant posters have made me feel pretty shit, as if my only purpose in life is to be silent so my husband can do the important things, and I am now wondering if he sees me in a similar light.