To ask if anyone else feels like this? Overwhelmed with it all?

[Getonwithit2022]

I don't even know if that's the right phrase for how I feel, but I'll try and explain. And yes I know this is probably a First World problem, and I should think myself lucky I'm not in Kyiv or similar. But anyhow.

2 years ago I was doing well. Healthy weight for the first time in 20 years, fit (gym x 4 per week), good job, relationship in a good place after some previous issues. Eldest child working in a job they enjoyed, youngest had finished college and planning to go travelling. Only downside was my house and garden (big reno project) needed quite a bit of work - majority of it well beyond me, so tradesmen needed. But other than that all in the metaphorical garden pretty rosy.

I've been fully working from home for 2 years now. Have only seen 4 of my colleagues face to face since then. Every day I walk 20 steps from my bed to my desk and sit there for 8 hours. I'm productive for about 10% of that time, being generous. I rarely see friends outside the house. My relationship is at a low ebb. My eldest lost their job and is struggling to find another. Youngest never travelled, never got a job and basically lives in their room like a hermit. I've gained 5 stone, did lose some last year but couldn't stick to it, did restart exercising, was doing an hour a day on the treadmill but have given that up the last fee weeks too. I look awful - I always wore make up every day without fail, I don't now. Washed my hair every day, now its twice a week.

My house is still unfinished, and though I did manage a massive declutter, its a mess. I'm the only one who does housework, which is fine, but when I don't do it the house is a shit tip. Not that my kids ever complain. I've given up cooking proper dinners in recent weeks, it just all feels too much. I have horrendous insomnia, because I do nothing with my day but work (sort of), piss about on social media, play solitaire, occasionally read, and watch endless shite on Netflix. Currently I'm averaging about 4 hours sleep a night.

The whole thing just feels broken. It feels like a game where I've gone too far off the path and basically just need to start again. Except I can't can I? We are where we are, I can't undo 2 years and redo it differently. I'm 50 soon and every aspect of my life just feels not as good as it should be.

The only positive I can think of is aside from the declutter I've mastered motorway driving thanks to the roads being emptier during lockdown. But its not much to show really.

And I don't know where to go from here, AIBU not to know how I improve things?

I feel the same OP, like my life has been derailed and I can’t seem to get back on track. Things bother me now that before lockdown I was able to cope with and I get anxious over absolutely nothing. The house pisses me off and the husband drives me mental. Sometimes I sit and grind my teeth in frustration but don’t know what to do to change it. I haven’t any advice really because I am in the same position. Like you say it’s first world problems but it is still miserable.

My first thought is that peri-menopause is wreaking havoc on your life and body. Muddled thoughts, insomnia, weight gain, depression/anxiety, extreme fatigue, etc. I think peri may be massively at play here. Add on the pandemic, family issues and a huge reno, it's a recipe for disaster. I would be asking for HRT if I were you.

Is going back into the office an option or getting a job where you have to “go”to work again just to get that routine back?

I was going to suggest this.

I'm another who deliberately applied for a job with 3 days in the office. Otherwise I'd be either working at home or managing a 3 year old at home, 7 days a week, going stir crazy.

@Aquamarine1029 I am going through peri menopause as well. I second HRT. It does help but I think in my case I need to get back into a routine

I'm glad but not that I'm not alone in feeling like this. It is miserable.

We're returning to the office 1 day a month soon, we have limited office space so going in much more often would be tricky, Once a fortnight could be doable. I'm dreading going back in though. Not through fear of Covid just because my world has become so tiny.

I didn't think my GP (who is very difficult) would give HRT as I don't appear menopausal, I don't have any hot flushes, night sweats, etc, my periods are still annoyingly present. But if how I feel could be related to that I will ask about it.

Eldest DC is job hunting, no luck as yet though going to interviews, hopefully only a matter of time. Younger is the worry though. No plans of any kind. He had some MH issues at college (and didn't go in for the last term) because the people got too much for him. And now his life like mine is stuck in these 4 walls. It feels too late almost to change any of it.

Can you get back to the office? I’ve been back once a week for 18 months and it’s made a huge difference. Only a handful there but we have developed a good bond. The rest of the team starts to return next week and I really think it’s going to do many of them a lot of good. Only 2 days a week minimum but a good work life balance. We have been fully working - I’ve never been busier, but if your current job isn’t a challenge anymore why not look for something else? The only person who can change it is you, get out there and get a new challenge

There's an app called 'fabulous', there's a free trial but it does cost (something like 50 quid for 6 months I think) but oh my god its a game changer. I was totally overwhelmed, like you, and just didn't know where the hell to start and it really really helped. It's slow, doesn't overload you with habits and has motivational elements to it and nice tick box / reward satisfaction. It walks you through slowly adding good habits. I swear I don't work for the app 😆 but I can't recommend it highly enough.

I’d be giving your youngest a deadline to get a job as that’s not healthy and also not good he/she isn’t contributing to the family pot

I slowly went down hill until end Nov last year when I finally cracked. I was off sick for seven weeks. I knew when I was ready to go back to work. I've changed my hours around a bit, make sure I go into the office for two full days a week and make a real effort to get out and about meeting colleagues. I'm feeling much better now. Can you do anything to change things up a bit at work?

I quit my job OP as I’d lost a lot of my motivation Wfh. I’m the same age as you.

I am now feeling much more energised being back in the workplace in a new job. Maybe you need to shake things up a bit.

I am exactly the same op, although blaming some of mine on the menopause.
I packed my job in 6 weeks ago without another to go to after 2 years of working from home and not seeing anyone. Finding it harder than I imagined to find another and am just performing really badly at interviews, worse then I have ever done in my life. I have zero motivation to lose weight ( have about eight stone to lose) and actually don't want to work at all, but do have some small jobs lined up. Constant worry about my kids/ young adults. I manage to walk the dogs each day and plan a meal but that's about it. DH doesn't really understand this total exhaustion/ lack of motivation.

I really wouldn't have the confidence to look for another job now. I've worked for my employer for 12 years, my current very niche role is one I basically created about 7 years ago. I have lots to do, but rather than working at top speed as I always have, I am now permanently in 2nd gear. I say to myself every evening that I'll work harder or achieve more tomorrow, and I never do. I have lost the will for it somehow. And my role wouldn't exist elsewhere. I would have to go back to people management (did that before current role', hated it) or directly dealing with clients which I am good at but haven't done for more than 12 years so all my knowledge is massively outdated. I actually don't know what I'd do which given my current role will probably cease to exist in 2-3 years is a worry. I need to be thinking how to upskill myself now to be able to move on when I am inevitably made redundant but just replying to basic emails feels like an effort or imposition.

Yep, peri menopause.
You don’t t need to jump onto HRT, but reading around it might help explain why you are feeling the way you are.

I totally get that op. But plodding on to retirement does not sound like an option - for a number of reasons - so maybe time to look around.

I didn't think my GP (who is very difficult) would give HRT as I don't appear menopausal, I don't have any hot flushes, night sweats, etc, my periods are still annoyingly present. But if how I feel could be related to that I will ask about it.

Forget your GP. Most of them are useless. Go to a private peri/menopause clinic. Well worth it.

Ah @Babyroobs this is my fear...that if I left I'd find it impossible to get anything else. I've not been at an interview since 2010! Tbh I've always been bad at interviews, the only feedback I ever used to get was that they thought I'd know more or come across better. And that was when things were good. I hope something turns up for you soon.

Also, you in no way have to, or should, wait to start HRT only when you are officially in menopause. The benefits are needed now whilst in peri, for your heart, bones, and general well-being.

Reading your list the good thing is all of those things are fixable, improveable. It just sounds like you lost motivation.

I let everything slip, I wrote a long post on another thread on what I did to get back on track.

I think the lynch pin for me is that I can't work from home 100% of the time. I vary it between the office now its open, friends, pub and coffee shop.

Anyway it is the small things - the social interaction, change of scenery that makes it ALL much easier, easier to deal with the bigger plans and questions.

@Getonwithit2022

I'm glad but not that I'm not alone in feeling like this. It is miserable.

We're returning to the office 1 day a month soon, we have limited office space so going in much more often would be tricky, Once a fortnight could be doable. I'm dreading going back in though. Not through fear of Covid just because my world has become so tiny.

I didn't think my GP (who is very difficult) would give HRT as I don't appear menopausal, I don't have any hot flushes, night sweats, etc, my periods are still annoyingly present. But if how I feel could be related to that I will ask about it.

Eldest DC is job hunting, no luck as yet though going to interviews, hopefully only a matter of time. Younger is the worry though. No plans of any kind. He had some MH issues at college (and didn't go in for the last term) because the people got too much for him. And now his life like mine is stuck in these 4 walls. It feels too late almost to change any of it.

I really feel for you. I had these worries about adult dcs too. Thankfully ds1 is in a new job he should enjoy (just starting) and shy ds2 is in the navy. I'm worried about that obviously but he's much more confident now. I've had so much worry about them so can totally empathise.

How old are dss? I hope you find a way to motivate ds2. It's like pushing a huge rock up a cliff though. So frustrating.

Can you try and get out for little walks? Or to meet a friend regularly?

Oh and see a different dr about hrt. I was your age regular periods and went on it for peri.

Do you think you've got yourself into bad habits? You're at the computer 8hrs a day. You're not cooking healthy and then you're back at the screen again for something different, solitaire and Netflix! You can't go back the last two years but you can change what happens next. Lots of screen time has proven to be bad for sleep.

Get your family members to help with house Work. You shouldn't do it all yourself. Including cooking.
Start getting out for walks/gym again.

@Getonwithit2022

Ah *@Babyroobs* this is my fear...that if I left I'd find it impossible to get anything else. I've not been at an interview since 2010! Tbh I've always been bad at interviews, the only feedback I ever used to get was that they thought I'd know more or come across better. And that was when things were good. I hope something turns up for you soon.

I do have job offers for part time jobs so may need to juggle a couple of part time jobs, I just feel they are not the jobs I really wanted. I have given up asking for feedback now as I just know where I've gone wrong. I have been for about nine interviews in the last few weeks. I went for one the other day and couldn't even answer the first question despite having learnt stuff relating to it. It is just as if my brain has gone to mush. I really am not surprised I'm getting no-where. I should not have walked out on my last job. Whilst everything wasn't perfect, I did love it and was good at it but it was quite niche and I have burnt all my bridges in my area to find a similar role.

DC are 20 and 23.

I don't really have any friends locally, what the last 2 years has shown is I don't really have friends full stop. Acquaintances more than friends. DP lives in another part of the country so is only around about 1 week in 3 at most

I think the HRT seems a strong recommendation. I know I need to find the will to change stuff myself but hopefully this will help too.